[InlandTXMM]

PLEASE, OP, for the love of all that's Holy, do NOT be one of these doormat, pushover Nice Guys who is afraid to put an end to your wife's nonsense.

Who cares if she's mad at you today, if she's in your home a year from now.

You put your foot down HARD today, or you will be finding out she's been banging the boss within weeks.

 

[InlandTXMM]

So, if you don't rug sweep and let her carry on with Kurt, the breakdown of the marriage will be your fault?

The idle threat of a cake eater, OP.

KURT is the wedge, not a man saving his marriage from a PUA predator.

 

[MovingAhead]

Your wife was starting an EA or loved the flirting... The OM the one who would bang your wife when she came into town and have no responsibilities of wrecking your family... If she so much as talks to him again, she is way over the line.

Do NOT rug-sweep this. This needs to be dealt with. She did a bad bad thing. She was looking for male gratification outside of her marriage.

If you are not enough for her, then your marriage is doomed and it is not your fault.

You got her flowers.
You cooked for her.
You let her go out.

What did she do for you? Sounds like a whole bunch of nothing.

Your marriage is more important than her job. Don't let her go out with friends, you take her out! She didn't marry her friends, she married you. She needs to invest in the marriage too.

Go to the gym, start working out. Build the muscles. You need to attract your mate. Eat right. I usually lift from 8:30-10 at night because in general, it's the only time I have available.

 

[PhillyGuy13]

We have iOS 7.0 iPhones and from everything I can tell none of that spyware is compatible yet believe me I've looked.

Not that I want to sound like I'm defending her but she didn't delete ANYTHING until after I confronted her. I don't think she would have picked and choosen what to delete before hand, she would have deleted the whole convo before she got home.

 

[Will_Kane]

We've actually begun to use one of the daycare aides as a babysitter. I've made suggestions to go away for a weekend or an overnight and she seems receptive we need to find a babysitter willing to do an overnight.

You need to start doing this. You will enjoy it, too. Even if it means driving 2-3 hours where your families live on a Friday night after work, dropping the kids, staying in a hotel Friday night and Saturday night, then picking up the kids and coming home Sunday morning. Maybe every 3 months or so.

Use the babysitter to go on a date with your wife every couple of weeks.

Everything everyone else is posting about her ending contact with other man is right on the money, too. She will be a lot more receptive after you do the romantic type things alone with her. Talking about and agreeing is one thing, actually doing is another, and makes a big difference in how much she will want to see other man and risk ruining what she has with you.

You should continue to hold firm, when the subject comes up, that seeing other man is not acceptable to you. Do not threaten any consequences unless you are willing to follow through.

 

[tom67]

The idle threat of a cake eater, OP.

KURT is the wedge, not a man saving his marriage from a PUA predator.

Plus sex 1 to 2 times a month aside from medical issues is not acceptable.
Who is this new boss?

 

[InlandTXMM]

Your wife is being played, OP. The fact that she's found herself so needy for a man's aggressive attention means you have to really step up your game.

You start by putting this whole fantasy thing she's got with Kurt to a quick death.

 

[PhillyGuy13]

New boss just started 2-3 weeks ago and is also based in Cleveland. I know nothing about him, other than he was out here last week for work reasons. I'm not concerned with him.

 

[MovingAhead]

We have iOS 7.0 iPhones and from everything I can tell none of that spyware is compatible yet believe me I've looked.

Not that I want to sound like I'm defending her but she didn't delete ANYTHING until after I confronted her. I don't think she would have picked and choosen what to delete before hand, she would have deleted the whole convo before she got home.

When my children were younger, one of them stole something and they would not tell me who did it. I took them in the basement and I threatened to use a paddle on them. I threatened them because what they did was pretty serious. I described in great detail how it would hurt and I went into great detail about how it would feel to get it. I talked to them about why it is not ok to do what was done. They were crying well before I used the paddle on any of them. (I didn't have to but I would have)

They knew stealing was wrong. The got a good idea of the consequences. My kids knew I would give them the paddle and they knew it would hurt bad.

I never had to. They got the idea if what they did could cause such a mess and bring so much pain, they would not do it.

The point is. I dealt with the immediate issue. I did not do it to fix what was wrong at that moment. I dealt with it to fix what was wrong period, not only then but for a long time to come.

You do not sweep this under the rug. She did lots of bad things here. She allowed another man to flirt with her while she was away. She entertained bad thoughts. Make no doubt about it. She allowed for those trial balloons and did not just SHUT HIM down. She is NOT innocent in this. She is not a victim. She relished the attention.

She needs to know what it would be like to not be able to spend Christmas with her children as an example. She needs to understand that she is the one who caused all of this.

If there is something amiss in your marriage, you both need to own it and you both need to work on your parts. If she has some PPD, well she needs to deal with it.

 

[Janky]

She seemed pretty defensive in keeping her friendship with this guy.

Who in their right mind would risk marriage and family over some friend that lives so far away?

The biggest red flag for me was the immediate text disabling of the ipad after you confronted her.

 

[just got it 55]

:iagree:

She seemed pretty defensive in keeping her friendship with this guy.

Who in their right mind would risk marriage and family over some friend that lives so far away?

The biggest red flag for me was the immediate text disabling of the ipad after you confronted her.

:iagree:Completly

Stay in 007 mode

 

[Nujabes]

After done reading your situation, I'm really confused why are they going on DATES together to get pizza and getting drunk???

And the thing about holding the hand. She lied if she said she shrugged it off immediately. As you've said before, Kurt wouldn't have TEXT that he missed holding hands together, in other words she didn't shrugged it off "immediately" and they DID held hands together.

AND She "CONSCIOUSLY" knew what she is doing is wrong when she typed that she is going to delete "evidence".

ANDDDD if he doesn't work at the bank anymore WHY the F*** are they still in contact?!?!

Oh and a warning for you Philly, I know she's going to pull the "Just a Friend" line on you later down the road. So be prepared. Let yourself be immune to that line, because cheaters use that line a lot in EA's.

 

[LongWalk]

I don't see that wasn't already a PA. Could be. All the talk about underwear, way out of line. Pizza is a typical sex fuel.

In any event, get in shape. Build your self confidence. Clearly she is detached from you. She ought to be working to repair your marriage.

Is the sex you get duty sex? Was she always so LD?

Posted via Topify using iPhone/iPad

 

[sinnister]

I guess I'm one of the only ones who thinks the OP is jumping the gun.

It seems like your wife let him down easy multiple times in that convo and change the subject a couple times too.

He definitely wants more but I see nothing there that suggests your wife is remotely interested. It does suggest that she's afraid of how you would react if you saw the conversation.

OP: Have you accused her of cheating before this?

 

[InlandTXMM]

Oh and a warning for you Philly, I know she's going to pull the "Just a Friend" line on you later down the road. So be prepared. Let yourself be immune to that line, because cheaters use that line a lot in EA's.

Yep. Here's the Cheater's Script, abridged version.

"He's just a friend."
"Texts are just having fun. Nothing to worry about."
"We just held hands."
"He kissed me once but I told him to stop."
"We kissed a lot but that's all. I swear on the kids' lives."
"He touched my breast but I told him to stop. He was really aggressive about it. I won't see him anymore."
"He pulled out his P. I touched it for a second but stopped."
"It was only a little oral."
"We did it once. But I hated it and thought of you the whole time."
"We did it only three times. I swear on my mother's grave. And I promise, I broke it off."
"We did it like animals; I don't know how many times, it was unprotected and also really kinky. Oh and I realize now I love you but am not IN love with you."

 

[Anuvia]

She could tell something was upsetting me. I told her how I saw the texts and she said she is sorry she made a really poor decision. Says they both had way too much to drink.

I asked about the handholding. She says as they were walking to a bar, he grabbed her hand but she says she immediately pulled away. I said it's just odd that if you immediately pulled away hours later he would text that he liked it.

She says she feels absolutely nothing for him. I asked how she felt - clearly he is coming on to you. She says it grossed her out. I said you didn't seem grossed out. She says she would never ever do anything to jeopardize our life, our marriage, or the family.

I said you have made plans to see him again. She says he is her friend. She says in February a third "female coworker" will also be with them so he couldn't try anything, and even if he did I need to trust that she would never ever do anything. I said I would rather you not see him at all.

So I've barely slept for two weeks. Two nights ago we are at her parents. It was still eating at me. Again I got the I would never jeopardize our family speech. I said then comply with my request and don't see him anymore. She said fine! But it's like you don't trust me!!

And she is right. I don't. I also travel for work and see how others act when away from home. And yes I've flirted too, but have never cheated. I don't think she did anything- jury still out on handholding- but I am afraid that she will next times he is in Cleveland. Certainly I feel he will be looking for something when she is out there.

The first day home she immediately disabled the texts on her iPad. But I know how to turn them on without her knowing. I can also track her phone movements on iCloud. But the problem will be in Cleveland. I'm handcuffed to the kids out here when she is in Cleveland.

I've thought about hiring a PI. I've thought about buying recorders to hide in her bag, but she will be gone for 2-3 days so the battery will die.

I subscribe to where there is smoke there is fire. The last contact at least from cell phone and texts were over a week ago, and seemed work related. I appreciate any feedback you folks can provide.

Your wife is lying to you about that "never doing anything to jeopardize us" crap. She is full of shyt.

 

[Janky]

I guess I'm one of the only ones who thinks the OP is jumping the gun.

It seems like your wife let him down easy multiple times in that convo and change the subject a couple times too.

He definitely wants more but I see nothing there that suggests your wife is remotely interested. It does suggest that she's afraid of how you would react if you saw the conversation.

OP: Have you accused her of cheating before this?

I had the same feeling when reading through the text convo.

She didnt feed into the pickup although she didnt exactly tell him to stop.

The ipad was the main thing that raised my eyebrows.

If I were OP, I wouldn't say another word about it and start monitoring her activities. Better safe than sorry.

 

[BradWesley]

Why do I have the feeling this is another one of "those threads"!

 

[PhillyGuy13]

I'm not sure I know what "another one of those threads" means.

This is the first time I've ever accused her of cheating- and haven't really done that here either.

The texts in and of themselves seem like she was trying to let him down easy. But who knows that is why I posted them they can be interpreted many ways.

What is more concern to me at this point is the anger when I asked her to stop seeing this "friend" she only supposedly sees 3-4 times a year for work reasons (that no longer exist as of two weeks ago) she got really defensive and i got the "you Don't trust me speech"

I've shared this situation with three friends- a guy and two girls. The guy - my best friend- is friends with both of us and is really concerned. The two girls chalked it up to eh she was just happy for the attention and not looking to do anything.

Is as inclined to agree until our conversation a few nights ago.

 

[tulsy]

...If she so much as talks to him again, she is way over the line.

:iagree:

Do NOT rug-sweep this. This needs to be dealt with. She did a bad bad thing. She was looking for male gratification outside of her marriage.

If you are not enough for her, then your marriage is doomed and it is not your fault.

:iagree:

You got her flowers.
You cooked for her.
You let her go out.

What did she do for you? Sounds like a whole bunch of nothing.

...

Last week the new boss was in town. So several coworkers all went out as a group Monday and Wednesday night at the last minute. I made sure not to give her a hard time. She came home very tipsy Wednesday around 9:00 She told me she was appreciative that I let her go out. That she sometimes needed to feel like she felt before kids. Where for a few hours she doesn't have to worry about being a mother. Aside: she is a GREAT mom to the kids, and until last week NEVER goes out.

It sounds to me like she was eating the cake you baked her. She even used the opportunity to justify how some times she needs to act like she did before she had kids...you know, getting drunk with other dudes, flirting and doing stuff you won't know about....and deleting evidence by wiping out texts. Maybe she's buttering you up for the next time....be prepared, because when it happens again, you can expect your blow-up to be followed with more "I can't believe you don't trust me, you're spying on me, you caused this wedge because you're jealous, you can't tell me who I can be friends with..."

Is her work often a toxic environment? Lots of nights out for drinks? Not fun being married to someone who wants to shift their life in this direction, is it?

Your marriage is more important than her job. ... She didn't marry her friends, she married you. She needs to invest in the marriage too.

Go to the gym, start working out. Build the muscles. You need to attract your mate. Eat right. I usually lift from 8:30-10 at night because in general, it's the only time I have available.

:iagree:

We have iOS 7.0 iPhones and from everything I can tell none of that spyware is compatible yet believe me I've looked.

Not that I want to sound like I'm defending her but she didn't delete ANYTHING until after I confronted her. I don't think she would have picked and choosen what to delete before hand, she would have deleted the whole convo before she got home.

So what? That's not a good thing. It's defense...proof is that she got pissed at you for still having a copy and for not rug-sweeping it yet,

She seemed pretty defensive in keeping her friendship with this guy.

Who in their right mind would risk marriage and family over some friend that lives so far away?

The biggest red flag for me was the immediate text disabling of the ipad after you confronted her.

:iagree: