[PhillyGuy13]

She could tell something was upsetting me. I told her how I saw the texts and she said she is sorry she made a really poor decision. Says they both had way too much to drink.

I asked about the handholding. She says as they were walking to a bar, he grabbed her hand but she says she immediately pulled away. I said it's just odd that if you immediately pulled away hours later he would text that he liked it.

She says she feels absolutely nothing for him. I asked how she felt - clearly he is coming on to you. She says it grossed her out. I said you didn't seem grossed out. She says she would never ever do anything to jeopardize our life, our marriage, or the family.

I said you have made plans to see him again. She says he is her friend. She says in February a third "female coworker" will also be with them so he couldn't try anything, and even if he did I need to trust that she would never ever do anything. I said I would rather you not see him at all.

So I've barely slept for two weeks. Two nights ago we are at her parents. It was still eating at me. Again I got the I would never jeopardize our family speech. I said then comply with my request and don't see him anymore. She said fine! But it's like you don't trust me!!

And she is right. I don't. I also travel for work and see how others act when away from home. And yes I've flirted too, but have never cheated. I don't think she did anything- jury still out on handholding- but I am afraid that she will next time she is in Cleveland. Certainly he will be looking for something when she is out there.

The first day home she immediately disabled the texts on her iPad so I won't be able to see her messages anymore. But the problem will be in Cleveland. I'm handcuffed to the kids out here when she is in Cleveland.

I subscribe to where there is smoke there is fire. The last contact at least from cell phone and texts were over a week ago, and seemed work related. I appreciate any feedback you folks can provide.

 

[PhillyGuy13]

She said the last time she talked to him he mentioned some job related stuff that he also talked about that night so her logic is "clearly he is drunk, and doesn't remember". I think he obviously still has the texts on his phone, whether he remembers or not

 

[PhillyGuy13]

No the convo wasn't deleted on the phone or iPad until after I confronted her. Then later that day the iPad was disabled.

Last week we were intimate twice. Usually we are intimate 1-2 a month. (I am willing just about any day and night). So it isn't like I'm a guy that doesn't want it.

This week when she found out I was still upset she tells me I need to drop it nothing would happen and it's going to drive a wedge between us. That was when I said I don't want her to see him again.

 

[PhillyGuy13]

I never confronted her about turning the iPad off. At this point I won't it's been two weeks, and I know if she turns it back on then she won't post anything worth while.

 

[PhillyGuy13]

I would make sure your wife and Kurt are never together again. That exchange crossed the line. Drunk or not. Her boundaries and respect for you and your marriage dropped really low that night.

The comment about having to delete the convo is also disturbing. She knew what she was doing was inappropriate and she was telling him she would delete the evidence while making plans to meet him again in the future.

You also should find out who his "friends" in your town are. Where they discussing ways to communicate through "friends" so they would not leave an electronic trail that you might find?

Go with your gut. Something is not right here.

He doesn't truly have friends here. That was a red flag for me. The friends referenced were an "Asian couple" that was at the bar he was at last time he was out here and they struck up a conversation with him. He also no longer works for the bank- so he'd have no legitimate reason to be out here. Again I can keep an eye out at home but not Cleveland.

 

[PhillyGuy13]

I also let her know that I was rereading the texts the other day, she got very angry that I kept a pic and insisted I delete them.

 

[PhillyGuy13]

@Will. Honestly you are right and this was a bit of a wake up call.

I try it initiate sex at least 1-2 a week but usually only get it 1-2 a month. She will often blame her weight issues, not losing all of the baby weight (which to me I don't care one bit about) We both agreed to try to make more time for each other. It is tough with two young kids at home to go out. Both of our families live 2-3 hours away. We've actually begun to use one of the daycare aides as a babysitter. Last week I got flowers one day, cooked dinner one night. She says I don't need to do these things that she loves me. I've made suggestions to go away for a weekend or an overnight and she seems receptive we need to find a babysitter willing to do an overnight.

Last week the new boss was in town. So several coworkers all went out as a group Monday and Wednesday night at the last minute. I made sure not to give her a hard time. She came home very tipsy Wednesday around 9:00 She told me she was appreciative that I let her go out. That she sometimes needed to feel like she felt before kids. Where for a few hours she doesn't have to worry about being a mother. Aside: she is a GREAT mom to the kids, and until last week NEVER goes out.

 

[PhillyGuy13]

We have iOS 7.0 iPhones and from everything I can tell none of that spyware is compatible yet believe me I've looked.

Not that I want to sound like I'm defending her but she didn't delete ANYTHING until after I confronted her. I don't think she would have picked and choosen what to delete before hand, she would have deleted the whole convo before she got home.

 

[PhillyGuy13]

New boss just started 2-3 weeks ago and is also based in Cleveland. I know nothing about him, other than he was out here last week for work reasons. I'm not concerned with him.

 

[PhillyGuy13]

I'm not sure I know what "another one of those threads" means.

This is the first time I've ever accused her of cheating- and haven't really done that here either.

The texts in and of themselves seem like she was trying to let him down easy. But who knows that is why I posted them they can be interpreted many ways.

What is more concern to me at this point is the anger when I asked her to stop seeing this "friend" she only supposedly sees 3-4 times a year for work reasons (that no longer exist as of two weeks ago) she got really defensive and i got the "you Don't trust me speech"

I've shared this situation with three friends- a guy and two girls. The guy - my best friend- is friends with both of us and is really concerned. The two girls chalked it up to eh she was just happy for the attention and not looking to do anything.

Is as inclined to agree until our conversation a few nights ago.

 

[PhillyGuy13]

I searched high and low for a burner and so far haven't found one. Last contact on her cell phone was a week ago Wednesday.

Kurt is now no longer with the bank. They had a group dinner with new boss in upstate NY, followed by a night at a country club where older coworker 65+ was bartender for a fund raiser. Kurt was not involved, but yes she did come home tipsy. This is unusual that she went out, but i chalked it up to the charity event. She was home at 9:00 and very affectionate. Almost never goes out after work.

I am assuming they didn't do anything ahead of time, since he only referenced hand holding. But maybe I'm being naive. His gf met them out at 10:00; they ordered a white pizza that was not good. This was referenced in the I'm so hungover posts the next morning.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[PhillyGuy13]

I'm here. Been reading from a distance periodically. Most of you have been very helpful.

It's been about 6 weeks since the trip to Cleveland. There has been no contact that I can see since I demanded she cut off all contact. I've checked our cell phone bill and her phone often - seems to be no contact. Of course she could talk to him on work line or work email and I wouldn't know. That said even when we were just dating she would always be "strictly professional" on her work phone and email. I also searched high and low for a "burner" came up empty. I found many email accounts that she had over the years - all just shopping related though. Searched the browser histories on her work computer, personal computer, iphone and ipad. Nothing on there.

We've both been trying to make more of an effort for each other, as best we can with a 3 yo and 5 yo at home. Dinner out, late night take-out, drinks. Our intimacy time is up to 1-2 a week over the past several weeks, up from 1-2 a month. I know conspiracy theorists may say this is part of her plan to throw me off the scent. We will see.

She has been apologetic, didn't mean to hurt me, etc etc. I am the only man she has had or wants, now and forever. Everyday is better for me at least. A month ago I wasn't sleeping. The test will be the next Cleveland trip. She has promised she wouldn't contact him. They no longer work together so have no reason to meet. Next Cleveland trip was supposed to be early Feb, so will be extra vigilent then.

 

[PhillyGuy13]

Thanks again folks happy holidays to all.

Yes she had given him save the dates and I do expect him to reach out to her. However the dates she gave him now are incorrect- company changed the meeting. So a good test will be when he reaches out to her. If he somehow knows the "new" dates- well that answers all my questions lol.

And others mentioned me c0ckblocking him. If/when he does reach out to her again, he will hear from me - very publicly.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[PhillyGuy13]

Wife got word yesterday from her job to schedule the Cleveland trip. She told me, I tensed up.

Got the "you need to trust me" speech.

I explained I want to trust you, but after the texts I need to be careful. More apologies, more statements that I am the only man she loves and wants to be with. The thought of being with another man makes her sick.

I said you promised not to contact him, and if he contacts you I am to be notified. She agreed. She then tried defending him again, that he was really drunk and doesn't even remember what he texted her. They had spoken for (supposedly) final time on the next week, work related. She says he told her about a job interview he was having, which was the same story he told her the week before, which proves he was really drunk since he doesn't remember telling her the first time. I said, listen, I have married guy friends, and while they are great friends (to me), most of them step out on their wives. One track minds. she said just because my friends are like that doesn't mean everyone is. I agree, but I think this guy is...

Anyway, I think I trust her. But seeing is believing. We will see what happens in Cleveland.

 

[PhillyGuy13]

Thanks Thummper, I think things are going to work out. I'm hoping this incident scared her as much as me. I've never been known for my patience and coupled with a bit of OCD it's all been driving me nuts.

There's a lot of good people on this site, many with situations much more horrible than mine. My story seems much more tame than most, so I appreciate everyone's support.

 

[PhillyGuy13]

Agreed. Told her I didn't want to hear it. And again stressed there is to be ZERO contact.

 

[PhillyGuy13]

I hope she gives me transparency as well, but I will also be creating my own transparency...

 

[PhillyGuy13]

And I explained to her how he is a predator, after one thing only. She agreed not to contact him, and report any contact he initiates. She still is upset about my trust issues. She says she would be able to handle him no matter what, so me forbidding her is me not trusting her. I said trust needs to be re-earned. So yes I have issues right now.

Luckily Hall and Oates will be chaperoning.

 

[PhillyGuy13]

I appreciate the perspective but forbidding her from going away for work isn't feasible. I'm not going into details of her job here, but she provides training to large groups of coworkers. If I forbid her from going I'm essentially asking her to throw her career away and she would resent me for that.

If a job change down the road is merited, so be it. Right now I have her word she isn't going to see him. Ball is in her court. She will behave or I'm out. Blowing up my family's home and finances before then isn't wise either.