Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 953 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,824 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
This is my first posting and it will be long. So apologies but thanks for advice/feedback.

I'm 40, wife "Anna" is 33. Together 9 years, married for 6. Two kids, ages 5 and 3. I travel frequently for work, my wife occasionally. She works for national bank. We live in upstate NY. She is a great mom and wife, really wholesome so I never thought I'd be in this situation.

Her manager "Kurt" is 41, based in Cleveland. She has worked for him for 2-3 years. She has to go out there a few times per year, he comes out our way a few times a year. They've developed a friendship which didn't bother me. She has gone out with him and his girlfriend when she is in Cleveland in the past, seemed innocent. I believe he is divorced, I know he at least has a kid. In October the bank combined some positions and he lost his job.. I know it bothered her she was really stressed with "getting to know a new boss now when she had a good relationship with Kurt"

On November 13-14 she was out in Cleveland with her team to meet the new boss. She had told me she was going to meet Kurt out on the night of 11/14. She checked in with me a few times throughout the night both phone and texts.

Around 11:30 pm her iPad starts pinging. She didn't bring it with her, so the kids can play with it. I got up to shut the sound off, when I saw this exchange (edited for spelling only) the convo seems a bit jumbled - May be they were slow to respond to each other or that is how it came through on the iPad.

Anna: 11:36pm So you still owe me dinner next time!!! (They headed out around 5:00 but never ate- only bars)
Kurt: Agreed. and a drink. Or two.
Anna: Lol... Good on drinks :)
Kurt: Not yet, but close. You are good AP look me up when you in Clev (AP is a nickname I had for her that apparently he does too)
Kurt: had fun tonight. Hope you did too. Sorry for the awful pizza.
Anna: So Feb 6-7 I am back... save the date!
Anna: I had fun too
Kurt: I will... And dinner will be planned much better
Anna: :)
Kurt: drinks at "xxxx bar" maybe skip
Kurt: outside the lines- you are good- you will do well.
Kurt: next time you and I just hang.
Anna: outside the lines??
Kurt: of work. Of political correctness. Where I can tell you you are pretty and it is ok.
Anna: it was just you and I? (She is questioning because they were alone 5-10' then at 10 his girlfriend came out to drive him home, it was the three of them 10-11)
Kurt: yes - until you got hammered... Or until I did.
Anna: lol you did
Kurt: I got the delicious pizza for us. (Sarcasm - the pizza was terrible)
Anna: ok going to bed now
Kurt: next time we eat in your room. Easier to trust room service. :)
Kurt: Later AP
Anna: ;)
Anna: don't forget me because you are gone now!
Kurt: you're cute. Have a good night sweetie. Sorry I missed on dinner. Order at hotel. Next time in town let me know.
Kurt: I will do the same. I have some friends by you now. In "your town"
Anna: already in bed... No dinner tonight.
Kurt: And that is somehow hot. The dinner part my bad. But the bed part...
Kurt: it is early now that I see it. What do you sleep in?
Anna: seriously you are in the car with "girlfriend"
Kurt: Umm... I am home. I live 15 minutes away. You should come hang. I will cook dinner. (I do not know if he lives with girlfriend)
Anna: so it is "Albany College" pajama pants. Now that is TMI
Kurt: that is cute... And I liked holding your hand. Different, now but had fun. Hope you did too. I want to see.
Anna: to see?
Kurt: Albany College pants
Anna: I have to delete this conversation.
Kurt: I have heard that before. Usually it is from "boss" but glad it's u now
Anna: 12:05 am lol. Hope you are around when I am back here.

She then had to get to airport early for early flight home. There were exchanges that morning about how hung over they feel, need to eat etc. when she got back that morning I confronted her (next post)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,419 Posts
I can follow the conversation just fine the order it's in.

It sounds like Kurt got braver with distance and a lot of liquor in him.

Your wife didn't flat out tell him to stop because she was married, but I don't think Kurt flat out made it clear that he wanted to hookup for sex - at least he didn't say it in so many words.

Kurt, in his drunken state, felt that your wife was "open" to it. She wasn't.

What exchange took place the next day or days? Did Kurt apologize, did your wife tell him she would never consider cheating on you? Probably, I would guess.

Still, if I was in your shoes, I would not be comfortable with them meeting up again or staying in contact. Drunk or not, he made a pass at your wife.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,824 Posts
Discussion Starter #4 (Edited)
She could tell something was upsetting me. I told her how I saw the texts and she said she is sorry she made a really poor decision. Says they both had way too much to drink.

I asked about the handholding. She says as they were walking to a bar, he grabbed her hand but she says she immediately pulled away. I said it's just odd that if you immediately pulled away hours later he would text that he liked it.

She says she feels absolutely nothing for him. I asked how she felt - clearly he is coming on to you. She says it grossed her out. I said you didn't seem grossed out. She says she would never ever do anything to jeopardize our life, our marriage, or the family.

I said you have made plans to see him again. She says he is her friend. She says in February a third "female coworker" will also be with them so he couldn't try anything, and even if he did I need to trust that she would never ever do anything. I said I would rather you not see him at all.

So I've barely slept for two weeks. Two nights ago we are at her parents. It was still eating at me. Again I got the I would never jeopardize our family speech. I said then comply with my request and don't see him anymore. She said fine! But it's like you don't trust me!!

And she is right. I don't. I also travel for work and see how others act when away from home. And yes I've flirted too, but have never cheated. I don't think she did anything- jury still out on handholding- but I am afraid that she will next time she is in Cleveland. Certainly he will be looking for something when she is out there.

The first day home she immediately disabled the texts on her iPad so I won't be able to see her messages anymore. But the problem will be in Cleveland. I'm handcuffed to the kids out here when she is in Cleveland.

I subscribe to where there is smoke there is fire. The last contact at least from cell phone and texts were over a week ago, and seemed work related. I appreciate any feedback you folks can provide.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
For the most part looks like light flirting. The sweetie part from Kurt caught my eye though. Who calls one of their subordinates "sweetie"?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,824 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
She said the last time she talked to him he mentioned some job related stuff that he also talked about that night so her logic is "clearly he is drunk, and doesn't remember". I think he obviously still has the texts on his phone, whether he remembers or not
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,915 Posts
I would make sure your wife and Kurt are never together again. That exchange crossed the line. Drunk or not. Her boundaries and respect for you and your marriage dropped really low that night.

The comment about having to delete the convo is also disturbing. She knew what she was doing was inappropriate and she was telling him she would delete the evidence while making plans to meet him again in the future.

You also should find out who his "friends" in your town are. Where they discussing ways to communicate through "friends" so they would not leave an electronic trail that you might find?

Go with your gut. Something is not right here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,419 Posts
I believe your wife about the hand holding. Kurt was blasted and had a different perspective. Your wife is nice to Kurt, treats him as a friend, in his drunken state he wanted more and assumed more.

I don't think your wife would cheat on you, or I should say, I don't think she has any intention of cheating on you.

She thinks she can still just be friends, even though Kurt wants more.

Does she acknowledge that Kurt wants more?

No matter what, I don't want my wife going out with or even communicating any longer with any "friend" that wants to have sex with her. Third party along to "chaperone" or not.

Your wife has done nothing wrong, except her boundary is different than yours. She's not seeing it from your perspective.

Ask your wife if there was a woman you used to work with that you met with as friends, and she got drunk and made a pass at you, would your wife be comfortable with you continuing to be friends with the woman, still communicate with the woman, still go out with the woman, still naively say that the woman is just a friend?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
933 Posts
Brother, he made a pass at your wife.

There are two things you can do. You can ignore it and hope to God your wife doesn't develop feelings for him. Your wife is lying to you by the way. She enjoyed the attention. She was flattered. She was ASKING about his girlfriend being in the car... She was seeing if this girlfriend was a serious catch or not... She was testing the waters too.

Whenever she goes out to Cleveland, which she will, she will have the urge to 'hook up' with him and take it further. This is the truth.

Up until now, it was fairly harmless.

Men do not hang out with women as friends unless at least one of them is attracted to the other. Your wife might not have been attracted to 'sweetie' but it has now escalated.

There is no way she can ever contact him again without the possibility of an affair occurring. You do not tell a woman she is hot unless you want to see her naked.

I would seriously tell your wife that she did not respect the boundaries of your marriage. She should have cut him off immediately and forever with that pass. She should not speak to him any more and if she does, well maybe she should just move out there.

It sounds harsh, but she is your wife. I made the mistake of trusting my wife with male friends. I do not make that mistake any more.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
920 Posts
....
I said you have made plans to see him again. She says he is her friend. .... I got the I would never jeopardize our family speech. I said then comply with my request and don't see him anymore. She said fine! But it's like you don't trust me!!...
She doesn't deserve your trust. She didn't tell you what happened, you had to tell her why you were visibly upset...that's her lying by omission.

She mentioned having to delete the conversation...that's trying to hide her inappropriate behavior, so she knew it was inappropriate.

She immediately removed text from the Ipad so you can't see stuff in the future...that shows she plans to continue to hide, which shows she plans to pursue the inappropriate behavior.

She never turned the guy down about being in the hotel together for next time. She has shown the OM she doesn't have a boundary there.

She made plans to be with him again.

Even if she says she won't see him again, I wouldn't believe her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
920 Posts
...
I would seriously tell your wife that she did not respect the boundaries of your marriage. She should have cut him off immediately and forever with that pass. She should not speak to him any more and if she does, well maybe she should just move out there.
....
I agree. It's not like they work together any more, and he proved he's not out for her friendship.

She likes the attention...if it really made her sick, she wouldn't have made plans to see him again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,967 Posts
" Again I got the I would never jeopardize our family speech. I said then comply with my request and don't see him anymore. She said fine! But it's like you don't trust me!!

The first day home she immediately disabled the texts on her iPad"

These are red flags you need to pay attention to, cheaters script and actions.

Start reading this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,419 Posts
As others have pointed out, she definitely was being "flirty" with him and enjoying his attention.

Many times we have seen on this forum a cheating wife who says "I liked the attention and felt like I had to have sex with other man to keep the attention coming."

Not at all uncommon - trading sex for attention.

Even with guys who are way older or way younger and completely unattractive. It happens enough.
 
1 - 20 of 953 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top