My wife of 18 years left 3-1/2 months ago and moved into her own tiny apartment, leaving me and our 11 year old daughter. Now she's looking for an apartment to move in with her AP. She kept me in limbo for 3 months, saying she needed more time to decide, but I now believe she was just doing that mainly because she was concerned for my well being and that I might do something foolish, although I did detect what I thought were genuine reservations about her decision. She's moving in with a man 16 years older than her (she's 43) who she met at work. He has been kicked out of his home by his wife after I anonymously exposed the affair. That may have been a mistake in retrospect since it may have hastened the two of them moving in together. Once I found out that they were getting a place together, I contacted a divorce lawyer and my wife agreed that we could try to get an uncontested divorce. She basically says she once loved me romantically but not anymore. I have stopped associating with her and have tried to keep communication to topics strictly related to our daughter, although I have slipped up and sent messages that expressed how hard this is and how much pain I'm in which probably isn't a good idea. Even though I plan on proceeding with the divorce, I want to reconcile even though the chances seem very slim. My questions are: should I not pursue the divorce right now and maybe wait a few months to see if the affair collapses? Has anyone who has been through this have any advice as to how to cope better? And has anyone been through a similar situation that has ended up in reconciliation?
maincourse99
- Status
Walk away wife moving in with AP
I think at this point your main focus needs to be what's best for you and your child. You moved out for three months and she is now moving in with this guy. It's time to serve divorce papers. I mean what are you going to wait around for? To see if the affair doesn't work out and if she feels the desire to come back to you?
See the divorce through. Especially if she is moving in with another man. Don't let her think she has an "option" when she is definitely not prioritizing you.
Repeat this to yourself, in fact you should print it and post it by your bed or bathroom mirror:
I AM NO ONE'S BACKUP PLAN
You need to move on. 97% of affair relationships fail after the APs have left their spouses. Reality will deal with them, because now it becomes a real relationship, with all the hardships that entails. No more lollipops and rainbows and living in affair land.
Never allow yourself to be her backup plan. And that's what she was doing to you prior to OM getting kicked out. What you did was still the right thing to do. Now your WW will have to pay your child support and OM will be paying his wife child support and possibly alimony. All this will be a huge stress on their relationship, add two angry betrayed spouses, angry children, and and friends and family. Yeah, the affair won't be so rosy when reality hits.
Why would you want to be her back up plan? Why do you want to have her back after all she's done to you, and being used for months/years by an OM? Have some respect for yourself and your child. This is a bad example you're setting for your daughter if you allow her to come back after you WW has had her fun in her affair. You would be upset if her husband was doing this to her that your WW is doing to you.
I AM NO ONE'S BACKUP PLAN
You need to move on. 97% of affair relationships fail after the APs have left their spouses. Reality will deal with them, because now it becomes a real relationship, with all the hardships that entails. No more lollipops and rainbows and living in affair land.
Never allow yourself to be her backup plan. And that's what she was doing to you prior to OM getting kicked out. What you did was still the right thing to do. Now your WW will have to pay your child support and OM will be paying his wife child support and possibly alimony. All this will be a huge stress on their relationship, add two angry betrayed spouses, angry children, and and friends and family. Yeah, the affair won't be so rosy when reality hits.
Why would you want to be her back up plan? Why do you want to have her back after all she's done to you, and being used for months/years by an OM? Have some respect for yourself and your child. This is a bad example you're setting for your daughter if you allow her to come back after you WW has had her fun in her affair. You would be upset if her husband was doing this to her that your WW is doing to you.
I wish my WW would have moved out and left me with the kids. Count yourself lucky. Divorce her now before she bamboozles you into taking her back.
Why? So she can come back to you because she has nothing better to go to? Absolutely not.
That should have been when you separated and she had her own place and said to herself "This isn't where I want to be. I am going to try to make my marriage work". Instead, she pushed it further apart by moving with the OM>
Thanks for the advice. I was fairly certain these were what the responses would be. I suppose that I'm still in love with her and that's clouding my thinking. As far as being a backup plan, I suppose that's what it is, but if she genuinely realized her mistake and wanted to return and repair things it would be hard for me to resist.
If she is willing to choose an old codger over you, why would you even want her around? Even if she should come back to you, how could you EVER trust her out of your sight?
Start living for you and your child and if you daughter wants to know where her mom is give her your cheating EX wife's number and let her tell it.
Start living for you and your child and if you daughter wants to know where her mom is give her your cheating EX wife's number and let her tell it.
That old guy must have some pretty good game.
But seriously, you need to let her go. If she does come back, it's only because you're her only OPTION.
It hurts now but you'll be better off in the long run without her.
But seriously, you need to let her go. If she does come back, it's only because you're her only OPTION.
It hurts now but you'll be better off in the long run without her.
Maincourse,
See the D through.
I have a friend whose wife cheated on him. He was blindsided big time.
His wife left him and his two young daughters multiple times over a course of 6-8 months. His girls were being affected by her horrible actions.
She finally moved back home but the damage was done. And she continued to contact the OM daily from their home. He saw this from the bill and by using a VAR.
Counselling was not working and his wife was emotionally messed up.
He filed for D. It was over in less than 100 days.
She moved across the street. She had given up their home and her job. All she could was watch the kids. She was a mess. Bitter and angry at him for moving the D so quickly.
He honestly had no choice.
Neither do you.
Your wife's relationship is doomed. Her head is in a bad place. And sadly, even when her A dies and she wants to R, there might not even be a whole person to R with?????
File for D. Worry about you and your family. Your WW is no longer part of your family by her own choice.
HM64
See the D through.
I have a friend whose wife cheated on him. He was blindsided big time.
His wife left him and his two young daughters multiple times over a course of 6-8 months. His girls were being affected by her horrible actions.
She finally moved back home but the damage was done. And she continued to contact the OM daily from their home. He saw this from the bill and by using a VAR.
Counselling was not working and his wife was emotionally messed up.
He filed for D. It was over in less than 100 days.
She moved across the street. She had given up their home and her job. All she could was watch the kids. She was a mess. Bitter and angry at him for moving the D so quickly.
He honestly had no choice.
Neither do you.
Your wife's relationship is doomed. Her head is in a bad place. And sadly, even when her A dies and she wants to R, there might not even be a whole person to R with?????
File for D. Worry about you and your family. Your WW is no longer part of your family by her own choice.
HM64
Hey Main Course---let her go, get your D., also know that eventually she is gonna regret for the rest of her life what she is doing
This guy who is almost 60, while she is 43, If they make it a few years together, he will be moving thru his 60's, on toward 70, and believe me, there is a whole lot of difference tween a last gasp 60 yr old, and a 70 yr old, who know matter what just isn't vibrant, and will more than likely have physical problems, and who really won't be appealing to a mid 50 yr old woman
If your wife thinks this guy will be appealing to her, as he gets on in years, she is "out of it"----eventually reality is gonna set in, and she will run screaming from her relationship with him
Nothing wrong with older people moving into their golden years together, they have faced life together, they are close in age, and they know how to tolerate and handle things, TOGETHER, cuz they have prepared for this, their whole married lives.
Your wife will not know how to deal with a man growing old before her, while she has still a little "feel good about her body," time left-------she has no clue to what she is getting into, hey but it is the bed she want's to sleep in, so let her be
You meanwhile will be free to enjoy what you have left of your life, and it won't be lived in misery, with an idiot for a wife, who can't see 3 feet in front of her, and who is willing to make her own child live in split homes, just so she can be with her lover, who has aided her in the homewrecking, and destruction of TWO FAMILIES-----just let her go, and wish her luck!!!!!!
This guy who is almost 60, while she is 43, If they make it a few years together, he will be moving thru his 60's, on toward 70, and believe me, there is a whole lot of difference tween a last gasp 60 yr old, and a 70 yr old, who know matter what just isn't vibrant, and will more than likely have physical problems, and who really won't be appealing to a mid 50 yr old woman
If your wife thinks this guy will be appealing to her, as he gets on in years, she is "out of it"----eventually reality is gonna set in, and she will run screaming from her relationship with him
Nothing wrong with older people moving into their golden years together, they have faced life together, they are close in age, and they know how to tolerate and handle things, TOGETHER, cuz they have prepared for this, their whole married lives.
Your wife will not know how to deal with a man growing old before her, while she has still a little "feel good about her body," time left-------she has no clue to what she is getting into, hey but it is the bed she want's to sleep in, so let her be
You meanwhile will be free to enjoy what you have left of your life, and it won't be lived in misery, with an idiot for a wife, who can't see 3 feet in front of her, and who is willing to make her own child live in split homes, just so she can be with her lover, who has aided her in the homewrecking, and destruction of TWO FAMILIES-----just let her go, and wish her luck!!!!!!
File for D
A few pointers; your wife is not your friend, do not treat her as such . I suggest you get a child exchange proccess in place and have minimum to no contact with your STBXW . She will know that you are willing to take her back and WILL play on that . Have your lawyer include in the D that your child is never to meet or be exposed to the OM, your paying the lawyers fee so ensure he follows your instructions.
Why do you doubt the exposure was wrong? what I read is your somewhat desperate to save your marriage yet are not prepared to wage war on the affaires to drive a wedge between them. Contact their HR department and let them know they are having an affair , a template is in the newbie thread.
Your child is going to depend on you and your resolve , playing nice with a wayward does not protect your child . Be smart and think though your decisions , learn to be selfish when it comes to your wife and go for custody and support payments.
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A few pointers; your wife is not your friend, do not treat her as such . I suggest you get a child exchange proccess in place and have minimum to no contact with your STBXW . She will know that you are willing to take her back and WILL play on that . Have your lawyer include in the D that your child is never to meet or be exposed to the OM, your paying the lawyers fee so ensure he follows your instructions.
Why do you doubt the exposure was wrong? what I read is your somewhat desperate to save your marriage yet are not prepared to wage war on the affaires to drive a wedge between them. Contact their HR department and let them know they are having an affair , a template is in the newbie thread.
Your child is going to depend on you and your resolve , playing nice with a wayward does not protect your child . Be smart and think though your decisions , learn to be selfish when it comes to your wife and go for custody and support payments.
Posted via Mobile Device
:iagree:
EliZor is right.
When a woman walks away from a child there is a maternal bond that is broken.
That to me is a true sign of just how far your wife is gone in her head.
Many women walk away from their spouses. Many women walk away from their marriages.
But very few women walk away from their children.
Stop being nice. Stop thinking she will come back. And have her legally bound for alimony and child support.
Your wayward wife will never respect you if you continue to act the way you are currently handling the split.
HM64
EliZor is right.
When a woman walks away from a child there is a maternal bond that is broken.
That to me is a true sign of just how far your wife is gone in her head.
Many women walk away from their spouses. Many women walk away from their marriages.
But very few women walk away from their children.
Stop being nice. Stop thinking she will come back. And have her legally bound for alimony and child support.
Your wayward wife will never respect you if you continue to act the way you are currently handling the split.
HM64
First, outside of having a kid together this is exactly what happened to me (in my case the OM was 19yrs older but also married). They signed a lease together on a house about a month or so after she moved out as well. My W told me the same things yours said to you.
Basically the less you want her, the more she will want you.
Give it about 3 months, that’s how long my W took before she couldn’t handle it anymore but it could take as long as 6 months.
Actually this was smart. The fastest way to end an A is to make it a real relationship. You did the right thing long term and that's what you need to keep in mind.
Stop this now, trying to make her feel guilty just weakens your position. How you handle yourself is very important so it’s got to look like from her point of view that you are just fine without her (or even better off). She ain’t going to come back because she feels sorry for you, she’ll want to come back when she sees how great you handled yourself and that you are strong enough to move on without her. She doesn’t want to think your happiness is tied to her.
Basically the less you want her, the more she will want you.
File now, you don’t have to go through with it but if you file you send a message that you are no longer waiting on her and that will give her another dose of reality. She knows you are her safety net if her A fails so she is willing to give it a shot (she has nothing to lose because she doesn’t think you’ll D her).
I'm 3 years in R with my W but I had 2 false Rs because I didn't play hardball. You need to look at this time as a vacation from your M and take advantage of it, do things you wouldn't normally do if you were still with her and even go on a date or two. Her relationship with the OM is doomed to failure but don’t be too quick to pick up the pieces when she comes crawling back. She has to earn her way back and you can’t make it too easy on her.
Give it about 3 months, that’s how long my W took before she couldn’t handle it anymore but it could take as long as 6 months.
Really appreciate all the great advice. She is still trying to stay involved with our daughter, but i know she struggles with the emotional part of that. My wife is childhood abuse victim and has disowned her family, her faith, and now me. Just cut it all off. Have to say, her deciding to become a part time mother really surprised me, but seeing the road she's been on for years, I guess i shouldn't be.
Not good, has she gotten any pro help for this terrible thing that happened to her?
This women will have a very easy time in emotioanlly disconnecting, hell she has been doing it all her life...she's an expert at it.
This issue she has with abuse is working against you and her daughter hence the struggle you are witnessing from your wife.
Abuse victim has a mind set that they don't diserve good things and will sobatoge a good thing cuz its to good to be real...there just not used to having good thing and will run a way. IDK why but they just do.
The AP may be a PSO/loser and she could stay with him for a long time or he good be really good for her but then again she will distance her self from good things.
You really don't know were this new relationship is going or if she will ever address here abuse issues and learn the tools that will teach her that she does diserve good things, so it might be time to let her go and if and when she can address her abuse issue then you might have a chance later down the road.
Hope for the best but prepare for the worst...divorce!
This women will have a very easy time in emotioanlly disconnecting, hell she has been doing it all her life...she's an expert at it.
This issue she has with abuse is working against you and her daughter hence the struggle you are witnessing from your wife.
Abuse victim has a mind set that they don't diserve good things and will sobatoge a good thing cuz its to good to be real...there just not used to having good thing and will run a way. IDK why but they just do.
The AP may be a PSO/loser and she could stay with him for a long time or he good be really good for her but then again she will distance her self from good things.
You really don't know were this new relationship is going or if she will ever address here abuse issues and learn the tools that will teach her that she does diserve good things, so it might be time to let her go and if and when she can address her abuse issue then you might have a chance later down the road.
Hope for the best but prepare for the worst...divorce!
Whats scary is it might not be that hard to get the mojority of the costody for your daughter. I believe your WW doesn't believe she diserves good things, not cuz she is a bad parent, but as a young girl she grew up not having good things....she has a learned behavior that she doesn't diserve good things, it all falls back to her abuse.
Hence the effort to fight for any major part of her daughters costody.
Hence the effort to fight for any major part of her daughters costody.
I am so very sorry about all of this & your broken heart.
As a Mother, I am shocked that she left your daughter.
She is unfit as a Mother & wife. Please go through with the divorce asap as a way to protect your daugher & try to get custody.
Trust me, you should want your daughter to spend as LESS time as possible with the AP scumbag especially ALONE in their home when Mom goes to work, etc. He may be retired & home all day.
I don't want to scare you but what if he is a child abuser? How would you know unless he is a registered sex offender? You already know that he is of poor character.
Whew......sorry if I sound harsh but I feel so bad for your daughter.
As a Mother, I am shocked that she left your daughter.
She is unfit as a Mother & wife. Please go through with the divorce asap as a way to protect your daugher & try to get custody.
Trust me, you should want your daughter to spend as LESS time as possible with the AP scumbag especially ALONE in their home when Mom goes to work, etc. He may be retired & home all day.
I don't want to scare you but what if he is a child abuser? How would you know unless he is a registered sex offender? You already know that he is of poor character.
Whew......sorry if I sound harsh but I feel so bad for your daughter.
I appreciate your concern. My wife is a very selfish person, which actually is helping to lessen my feelings for her. What she has done is unspeakable. Right up to D day she was saying things like "I love our family", "it's you and me forever" and of course "I love you so much". All lies. So yes I will do everything to protect my daughter. In the state I live in, there is no contact with a non-related member of the opposite sex for the 70 days between filing and court date. She thinks I should let her break that rule. She's agreed to not fight for the house or custody, so as of now I'm in the drivers' seat.
Waive the 70 days, get your house and full custody and she can have the OM if she wants. Just getting custody of your daughter is worth that, have the lawyers draft it, ink it and run like crazy.
I also want to acknowledge your feelings that you do still love your wife & hope to reconcile. Many people do reconcile after affairs end; you can read about that on TAM. Some even reconcile after the divorce is final (you may change your mind in the future anyway) so R is always a possibility but you are dealing with a walk-away-mother here not just a wife.
Good luck.
Good luck.
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