[Hardtohandle]

You're going to have distrust for a long while. You will need a strong woman who will deal with your sh1t and see the big picture.

I've pretty much called my G.F. a low moral Wh0re. Not in those words but pretty much that. She stood by me knowing it was the crazy in me..

I go to therapy every week sometimes twice. I talk with friends and co workers. Trust me you need therapy, unless your a stronger man than me for these things.

But without a doubt I am or was a very broken man. It has taken me sometime to settle in that the woman I am with loves me.

For me getting over my EX was dating. Plain and simple, having another woman gushing over you and your sexual prowess is good for the EGO..

You will come to discover woman 10 years younger than your Ex.. Making 10x more money than her. ( As I type this my G.F. tells me she get another 15 hours a week which equates to 1k more a month ).

For me that is my bar.. My reality now is love isn't everything. Money does matter some. You cannot live on love alone. Love don't pay the bills.

It took me 1 year after my Ex leaving to see I was better off without her. Its a shame. I would NEVER take her back. I would never have sex with her. She is dead to me. She is the person ( I wouldn't even call her a woman ) that pumped out 2 kids from that hole between her legs.

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR KIDS SO EASILY......

I foolishly at first thought I was going down the normal route of Ex wife takes kids and I pay child support. It didn't end up that way though. I have the kids and she doesn't.. Granted yours are younger but you just never know..

Keep posting and keep venting. Do what Walkonmars tells you.. Do the 180..

 

[tryingpatience]

I'm using the employee service program at work to talk to counsellors and get legal advice. My boss doesn't know what's going on.

I'm not giving up the kids. I love them. If I could get full custody I would but right now it will be shared.

My 180 is pretty strong now. The time away from the house has helped a lot. Today I was at the house to say goodnight to the kids and stbxw didn't say a word to me. Her ignoring me didn't effect me on any emotional level. That made me feel really good. It made me feel like I could get through this. I did wonder but there was no longer any attachment there.

 

[tryingpatience]

Feeling really lonely. Seeing anything that has to do with sex makes me feel horrible. Makes me think of the cheating.

 

[Fordsvt]

Get some IC and talk it out. It will get better. You don't want her back so move on. Do your 180 and become stronger with higher expectations for you and the kids.
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[OhGeesh]

Funny while I love "my wife" if we ever got divorced I fully plan on being single for eternity no more 1 woman for me!

Good luck

 

[86857]

One way past is to keep as busy as possible. Bury yourself in your work & remind yourself that your kids are depending on you when you start walking around aimlessly. You don't want to risk your job.

In the evenings if you can afford it when she has the kids take some evening classes, go out with friends, go to the gym & exhaust yourself - doesn't matter what. It will help with the loneliness. Sitting at home dwelling on it is will make you feel worse.

Human beings don't cope with change very well - part of your anguish is due to that. You weren't prepared for this dramatic and painful change - none of us BS were. Your life has been turned upsidedown.

Look around at your friends and work colleagues who are in happy marriages. Yes there is hope - there always is but you're not going to feel that right now. Accept the feelings you have rather than fight them. All BS on here know what you mean.

Most of all you need time to get past this. You won't feel the way you do now in 5 years, not even in 2 years, not even in 1 year or even in 6 months. You said it yourself - you can feel yourself detaching already - a great sign. You are already on the way. Hang in there and vent on here. Posters know what you are going through.

 

[Hardtohandle]

Feeling really lonely. Seeing anything that has to do with sex makes me feel horrible. Makes me think of the cheating.

I know there are times where you just can't be busy enough or have enough friends around you to support you.

Even with my kids at home, there were times I had to just go in my room, cry into a pillow, walk out into the bathroom wash my face and move on.. It was rough..

Unfortunately there are not magic spells or potions that can get you through this.. This is what will make you a different man at the end.

I've said this several times and I will say it again because I just heard it again and in some ways it hurts..

I really used to be a happy go lucky guy.. I was the goof off entertaining everyone.. I would make fun of myself to make you laugh..

Today, as a friend puts it.. I'm still the happy go lucky guy to some degree.

But he can tell I'm much serious and focused on things now.. I do less punch pulling when I need to tell someone something.. I'm more straight to the point..

You just realize that everything is not as right as rain, but I think it made me a better man. I'm still emotional, maybe in some ways even more.

For me I think it is what keeps my G.F. with me. That she can see I can cry no matter how much of a big macho guy I want to be sometimes.

It does get better. Trust me there were times I just really thought I couldn't live another day like this.. Even typing this out at times used to make me cry.. But like anything you EVENTUALLY learn to move on..

You just need to tough it out until EVENTUALLY arrives and it will trust me on this..

 

[RWB]

I haven't done any work this week in the office. I've been sitting in a fog at my desk. I keep getting out of my seat to walk around aimlessly. I have to start doing something soon, I've already missed a few deadlines.

TP,

Been right there. I few days after DD I contacted my work EAP. I was instructed to let my Boss know what was going on. Because I was seeking "treatment", my Boss was instructed by EAP to back off the deadlines and the general pressure tactics that were normally used.

It took me close to 6 months before I could concentrate for over an hour without losing it. Good luck. It will get better. I know those are shallow words right now, but time does lesson the blow that you have taken.

Last... Take the high road, stay true to yourself and children. It will not go without notice.

 

[GusPolinski]

TP,

Been right there. I few days after DD I contacted my work EAP. I was instructed to let my Boss know what was going on. Because I was seeking "treatment", my Boss was instructed by EAP to back off the deadlines and the general pressure tactics that were normally used.

It took my close to 6 months before I could concentrate for over an hour without losing it. Good luck. It will get better. I know those are shallow words right now, but time does lesson the blow that you have taken.

Last... Take the high road, stay true to yourself and children. It will not go without notice.

Excellent advice! I probably should have done this back in 2012, as I missed more than a few deadlines myself. Thankfully my boss was pretty supportive. I explained some of what I was going through (though in very general terms) and he seemed to understand. I didn't pry but I got the impression that he had been through some of it himself.

Oh, and OP... Just in case you missed it...

DNA your kids. The affair may have started much sooner than your wife is willing to admit.

 

[X-B]

You will get through this difficult time. Just be the best dad in the world. Last year almost everything that could go wrong in my life came crashing down on me. There are still rough patches but I can sleep without tossing for 4 hours. When you emerge from the other side you will be stronger than you ever have. The support of friends and people here was and is a real lifesaver.

 

[tryingpatience]

Thanks for the boost all of you. I am staying true and trying to be the best dad I can. It's nice to hear that it won't go unnoticed because it's something I really want to believe. That's part of what's still motivating me.

Yes I am going to do a DNA test.

My family has been amazing for me during this time. The more I talk about to them the less it hurts. I do feel different from the week before

 

[tryingpatience]

I wonder if I'll find someone again like my stbxw. Not the person who cheated but the person I married and grew up with. I really miss the woman I married.

I know that things will never be the same, I'm moving forward no matter what. It just really hurts to see part of that person still there in her. The idea that I'll have to live the rest of my life seeing the shell of what may have been sucks. The family I wanted. For those who have kids. How did you cope? Full custody and never having to deal with her again would have been ideal.

 

[sammy3]

tryingpatience,

I'm a bit 3 yrs out. And amazingly so...Looking back, all I can tell you ********** hit it on the head.

You will view everything now so differently, and learning to be with the person you loved, & love, in a whole new light is ((was)) ..."trip in it's self."

This is the most difficult journey many of us find ourselves on, some do better than others, but either way, it changes you in profound ways.

-sammy

 

[badkarma2013]

As the writer Paul Theroux says , “It is very easy to plant a bomb in a peaceful, trusting place.” That is what the cheating spouse has done. Then detonated it.

And as a result OUR LIVES WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.....

 

[tryingpatience]

Had a little blow out with my stbxw yesterday. Texted her asking where she was at with the separation agreement because it's almost been 2 weeks since I've given her the final draft. She says that she finally received revisions from her lawyer and is looking it over.

Called her afterwards (was pissed at how long it was taking her) and basically told her to put this thing through as quickly as possible. She said that was what she wanted and is not slowing down the process. I proceeded to tell her that she's lucky that I didn't blow this thing up even more than I did. Couldn't hold in my anger. I didn't want to lose my cool in front of her.

I wish I came to TAM a year ago. I would have probably been able to bust this thing up earlier and proceeded to a real R instead of a fake one. But then I remember, she already cheated prior to that.

 

[Lon]

Legal sh!t takes a long time. Try patience. Does it really matter if the process takes 3 weeks vs a year? Just live your life the same way regardless.

 

[tryingpatience]

Legal sh!t takes a long time. Try patience. Does it really matter if the process takes 3 weeks vs a year? Just live your life the same way regardless.

You're right I know. But I feel that I need this to move on. Plus she is agreeable right now. I've heard that anything can happen with these things and she might not be so agreeable the longer this drags on. Who knows what the POSOM or her family is feeding her.

 

[Hardtohandle]

Whats been going on ? Hope all is well

 

[TimeHeals]

I wonder if I'll find someone again like my stbxw. Not the person who cheated but the person I married and grew up with.

Umm, dude. They're the same person. This thing you are doing is called splitting. It's a kind of displacement where you split a real person into two fictional people and attribute all the bad to one, all the good to the other..

If I were you, I would look into professional counseling.

This is tough crap, so there's no shame in getting a little help.

 

[MattMatt]

Some of you already know my story:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-relationship-discussion/190522-help-im-stuck-trying-reconcile-my-marriage.html

Basically I am moving towards divorce and the separation has already started. Wife had been cheating for 2 years with a co-worker during our marriage, but signs of trouble only started a year ago. I tried for a year but it was too late, she was in too deep. No remorse on her part when I uncovered it and she still tried to deny it. We have 2 small kids 4yr and 2yr.

Feeling two strong emotions right now.

Doubt, "What if". What if I paid more attention, what if I did this instead or been more romantic after the kids. I really did want to keep the family together.

Distrust. I look around and see a woman and think how can I ever trust anyone again. I'm not looking for a relationship. I know I'm not anywhere near ready. But I'm beginning to think loyalty and respect are the exception and that makes me depressed. People just want to get laid.

At this point in my life I expected things to grow into a phase of deep love and friendship. Something I thought we had. Is anyone interested in that anymore?

You have been shocked, hurt and damaged by the one person who you should have been able to trust with your life. It must be a little bit like realising that the soldier who is trying to kill you is one of your own side.

Individual counselling might be of benefit for you.