[S4E]

S4E, understand what you are going through, a part of you died that day and you put forth the effort to try and rebuild and kept moving forward, though in the back of your mind there was that nagging feeling. Exactly!

The person that you had given your heart and all the trust to had betrayed you and disrespected you. Now you have taken this from others and left them out of your life but with your spouse you have tried to rebuild and basically ate your pain because you knew if you did not it would destroy this "New" marriage but this "New" marriage is not what you want and no matter what has been done it does not satisfy you internally. Once again...all true

Take your time, find a confident or couselor you can talk to about the + and -, maybe even write them out so you can actually see what your issues are this may help. Been there, done that! After finally being honest with myself about how much this really affected me, I went through more than 6 months of weekly therapy. Unfortunately facing it and learning the truth about what really happened, instead of the lies I told myself to try to accept it only intensified things for me...

You sound like the "Nice" guy who always put others needs before yourself and all that paying out is now catching up to you. Again, you hit the nail on the head!

Take care and good luck in whatever you decide.

Thank you!

 

[S4E]

SE4, did you just steal my login and started typing what was on my mind? I kid, but that is exactly the feelings I had for my WW and why the divorce will be finalized this summer.

After going through the emotional roller coaster of being embarrassed and emasculated, then having to pick up the pieces and try to forgive while at the same time try to keep a smile on your face for the kids, it just gets to the point where you're just numb. ...

I was numb for too long. Once I faced it I felt anger and sadness. Now I just feel bad for her. I know I shouldn't but I asked her to stay, she did, and all these years later I'm finally realizing I should have just ended it with her back then. I'm also feeling empty, and lonely, and almost wishing I was numb again.

She is none the wiser; she comes to give you a kiss you really don't want. She wants to spend time with you and you want nothing to do with her. Even when having sex with her, deep down you know that the sex you're having with her isn't even on the same scale with what she had with the OM and WILL NEVER BE. You go to the love bank and find that there are insufficient funds in the account....

My wife is very affectionate and she just wants to hold me, kiss me, and hug me. She will have sex with me at any time.... and yet I don't want it - not from her anyway. He had the same name as me so when I hear her call out my name in bed, my mind sometimes still goes there! I put off doing things i want to do because she will want to go with and I can no longer lead her on... The sad look in her face just kills me, and yet I check her phone, email, Facebook...I believe there is noone but me.

It's not that you're have some sort of revenge affair or anything. It comes to a point where you just stop caring; apathy. If she told you that she was leaving, you don't care. If she told you that you need to leave, you don't care. As long as the kids were being provided for, you simply DO NOT CARE.....

Agreed, I often think about her finding someone who will love her the way she deserves and needs to be loved, it's no longer in me. But because we have so many years and I still care and have love for her, I hate the thought of her hooking up with some loser and her having a ****ty life? I don't wish bad on her.

When you reach this point of numbness like I have, you simply have to suck it up and put the dog down like they did Ole Yeller. For each passing year comes more regret and time lost that could've been better spent improving one's life and perhaps even running into someone who would put more value into your life than the ex took away.

To me, staying in a marriage after an affair, while feeling this way, is just as destructive as the affair the wayward spouse had in the first place. You start off with low self-value and after time it simply morphs into self-hatred. You get to the point of hating the very person you see in the mirror every day. You start thinking of how defective I must be if she not only slept with another guy but no one finds you the least bit attractive to want to do the same. And even if someone did, because of you not wanting to break your vows, you kept to yourself. ...

All very true for me as well!

What did you get from her deciding to 'settle' with you, besides a stay of execution from family court? I hated myself for years for not leaving because I didn't have the finances to afford the whopping amount of child support and alimony it would cost, let alone having to start over again in terms of staying with relatives until I could get back on my feet. Sometimes, it would be so much to bear that I'd take days off just to wallow in my sorrows.

If you don't want this feeling, you have to be the bad guy and get the divorce done. There will be days of regret and reflection of what once was and could've been. But life goes on and waits for no one...

Thank you so much for sharing your story! I'm sorry for what happened to you, but I'm pretty sure we think the same way. I just really don't get how she can just act like everything is so great and we are this wonderful couple? People say "You 2 are so great together"..my mind goes straight to - "If you only had a clue"!

 

[MattMatt]

I was numb for too long. Once I faced it I felt anger and sadness. Now I just feel bad for her. I know I shouldn't but I asked her to stay, she did, and all these years later I'm finally realizing I should have just ended it with her back then. I'm also feeling empty, and lonely, and almost wishing I was numb again.


My wife is very affectionate and she just wants to hold me, kiss me, and hug me. She will have sex with me at any time.... and yet I don't want it - not from her anyway. He had the same name as me so when I hear her call out my name in bed, my mind sometimes still goes there! I put off doing things i want to do because she will want to go with and I can no longer lead her on... The sad look in her face just kills me, and yet I check her phone, email, Facebook...I believe there is noone but me.


Agreed, I often think about her finding someone who will love her the way she deserves and needs to be loved, it's no longer in me. But because we have so many years and I still care and have love for her, I hate the thought of her hooking up with some loser and her having a ****ty life? I don't wish bad on her.



All very true for me as well!


Thank you so much for sharing your story! I'm sorry for what happened to you, but I'm pretty sure we think the same way. I just really don't get how she can just act like everything is so great and we are this wonderful couple? People say "You 2 are so great together"..my mind goes straight to - "If you only had a clue"!

I was told what a perfect couple we were. Right in the middle of ny wife's affair! I can smile at that irony now, but I saw no humour in it back then!
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[S4E]

I was told what a perfect couple we were. Right in the middle of ny wife's affair! I can smile at that irony now, but I saw no humour in it back then!
Posted via Mobile Device

Are you still together?
That has always been a problem for me, I thought we were good and we were that couple everyone always looked up to. I believe I was on a mission to prove the OM wouldn't win and our marriage was strong enough to get through this.. But what she did was too wrong and the cut was too deep! He was my best friend, and she did it right under my nose while i thought we were all good? I bought her a ring as a renewal of my love and commitment and a month or so later she was on a cruise with him? It was supposed to be with her sisters...money became a problem with them, she asked him for help (instead of me)..of course he did and his reward was she asked him to go with?!! Yeah..I call the ship to send flowers and find out she's rooming with this bast*rd who claimed he was away on business! I ask myself now how I could have ever stayed? I lied to myself and said he manipulated her, she was lost, he took advantage, I made her into a victim!?? The fact is, she wanted it and went after him! She says now it was the biggest mistake of her life and she'll regret it until the day she dies...I say it wasn't a mistake - a poor choice, hell yes! It kills me to divorce at this stage in the game, but I need closure..he's been in my head too damn long!

 

[cledus_snow]

sad story..... would be even more sad if you stay in this unhappy marriage for the rest of your life. you're just now realizing that her affair was a dealbreaker for you.

i say you need a change. go to it, m'man. stop wasting valuable time.

 

[Lovemytruck]

Are you still together?
That has always been a problem for me, I thought we were good and we were that couple everyone always looked up to. I believe I was on a mission to prove the OM wouldn't win and our marriage was strong enough to get through this.. But what she did was too wrong and the cut was too deep! He was my best friend, and she did it right under my nose while i thought we were all good? I bought her a ring as a renewal of my love and commitment and a month or so later she was on a cruise with him? It was supposed to be with her sisters...money became a problem with them, she asked him for help (instead of me)..of course he did and his reward was she asked him to go with?!! Yeah..I call the ship to send flowers and find out she's rooming with this bast*rd who claimed he was away on business! I ask myself now how I could have ever stayed? I lied to myself and said he manipulated her, she was lost, he took advantage, I made her into a victim!?? The fact is, she wanted it and went after him! She says now it was the biggest mistake of her life and she'll regret it until the day she dies...I say it wasn't a mistake - a poor choice, hell yes! It kills me to divorce at this stage in the game, but I need closure..he's been in my head too damn long!

Take some time to read some of the posts here on TAM from posters that are struggling for years. Just like you.

Realize that you can divorce for an affair regardless of the time spent trying to R.

Realize that you can divorce just because you don't want to be married even if there is not an affair.

Realize that your time is more valuable than your money.

Realize that a D is better than a sh!tty marriage.

This stuff sucks. I swear that limbo is worse than D. You are in limbo. My dear brother and my supervisor almost had to yell at me to end my bad marriage after my exWW's affair, and a long time in R (limbo).

I vote that you owe it to yourself to try something different. Your current path is not leading you to happiness.

If you like being married, at least try it with someone that you trust and love. Someone that returns the favor with love for you.

I did it. You can too.

 

[Thor]

He had the same name as me so when I hear her call out my name in bed, my mind sometimes still goes there!

I heard her moan a different name than mine. Don't know which is worse, hearing a different name or the OM having the same name.

 

[Horizon]

In my case, 30 years after the initial affair and several years after the reoccurrence of the affair, I filed for divorce. It'll be final by summer.

So was I living in a false R for almost 30 years? I have no idea. I made every attempt to make it work and thought it was real up to the point that the reoccurrence surfaced.

But it's a moot point now.

My God! I wish you a good life.:smthumbup:

 

[Horizon]

At 53 you will be in high demand with single women. Don't believe for a second you don't have options.
Posted via Mobile Device

really? - tell me more Thor!

 

[MattMatt]

Are you still together?
That has always been a problem for me, I thought we were good and we were that couple everyone always looked up to. I believe I was on a mission to prove the OM wouldn't win and our marriage was strong enough to get through this.. But what she did was too wrong and the cut was too deep! He was my best friend, and she did it right under my nose while i thought we were all good? I bought her a ring as a renewal of my love and commitment and a month or so later she was on a cruise with him? It was supposed to be with her sisters...money became a problem with them, she asked him for help (instead of me)..of course he did and his reward was she asked him to go with?!! Yeah..I call the ship to send flowers and find out she's rooming with this bast*rd who claimed he was away on business! I ask myself now how I could have ever stayed? I lied to myself and said he manipulated her, she was lost, he took advantage, I made her into a victim!?? The fact is, she wanted it and went after him! She says now it was the biggest mistake of her life and she'll regret it until the day she dies...I say it wasn't a mistake - a poor choice, hell yes! It kills me to divorce at this stage in the game, but I need closure..he's been in my head too damn long!

Yes we are still together 25th anniversary of us getting together!
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[aug]

really? - tell me more Thor!

I'll take a stab at it...

First, there are more women than men at this period of life.

Second, it's harder for the women to use what's left of their beauty to get men, so they need to have/develop their charming personality.

Third, even a 50+ y.o. person wants love. I doubt if the women at this stage had already given up on life.

Fourth, I dont think men at this age care to start a family. So, there are more likely to date and dump.

Fifth, 50 y.o. men are more likely interested in 30 or 40 y.o. women than 50 y.o. thereby leaving more of these older women available for dating.

Six, ...

 

[Pault]

S4E, When a partner does this to you and you find out the initial shock is one similar to sudden bereavement. The person who you honestly thought you knew, placed the most precious trust in has turned around and done something so painful as to throw those presious things back in your face. I suspect youve sat there many times and thought "who the heck has she become, where is this person from". The fact is you still have NOt got over the event. I suspect everytime you think about any part of the issue your adrenaline surges. When a loved one does this to you they literally destroy the most important link between you. The link for many will never reconnect again properly as you will always wonder why, and when next. Its not about not forgiving its about putting the issue behind you and if it doesnt stay in the far distant past the you will fell like this all the time. It might be that the link you had was really destroyed (it seems so) If you continue to wonder why and when next then its most certainly not a healed connection. Any partner who causes the trust to be questioned either by thought or deed must expect that the hurt party will need to be able to heal, if not then the offender must except that they have opened pandoras box and take 100% responsibility for what happens. In your case youve not moved forward, youve not healed and by the tone of your post I suspect that youve started to considered a life in a different way. If being with a partner that has hurt you like this continue to hurt Im sorry there is only one way forward and that is to remove the source of the pain. No everyone can forgive and accept. tehre are many that, like you carry on hurting and wondering. Your W had the option of not going there, she did the opposite and went for it. You have time to heal and at 53 its going to be tough but not as tough as hurting for the next 10 years when the same thing might happen.

 

[ExisaWAW]

This is an interesting thread to me because when I found out about my xw's affair, we were divorced in a few months. I wanted to try counseling, to attempt reconciliation, etc. & she wanted the $$$ & a new life to pursue her MLC. So, I often wonder what might have happened if we did reconcile like the posters here.

I realize I would have to live with the thought that maybe my W couldn't be trusted. I wondered if I could really forgive AND forget. The lesson I learned is that marriage takes work. Not many ppl continue to keep a marriage fresh. In the awesome book The Road Less Traveled, the section on love is incredible! It talks about how real love begins after romantic love ends. The honeymoon always ends. Infidelity, etc. happens when one person puts their selfish needs in front of their partners needs.

So true. I would much rather work on keeping my marriage fresh than throw it away and start again, even after a betrayal. There are no guarantees that the new relationship will end up any better. Because enivitably, the new relationship's honeymoon will end, things will get regular/ boring, and someone may once again put their selfish needs in front if their partners. And the cycle continues. This is why the divorce rates go up after a previous divorce, not down!

People think that their spouse is the cause of their unhappiness. Really? Now if there's abuse, etc. I believe in ending the marriage, but most marriages can be saved, even after affairs. I guess if I had been given the chance to reconcile, I may have thought about the betrayal from time to time, but as long as we worked hard to create a lot of positive memories after the affair, the bad stuff would fade away.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[hopefulgirl]

I've found Shirley Glass' book Not Just Friends to be very helpful in explaining what we have to deal with. We have grief (loss of faith in our spouse, death of the old marriage) AND we're traumatized, similar to posttraumatic stress disorder (the reason it's technically not the same is because we haven't witnessed loss of life or experienced a threat of loss of our own life).

She also says that for most people, leaving the marriage is not the best answer. But for some it is. I think the questions that she has people ask themselves are helpful in sorting out which category you fall in.

Like any grief or any trauma, you can't undo the loss or the traumatic event(s) - time and healing are the only way to achieve some sense of peace in your life. Right now, with the separation, your WS isn't helping you with your healing, and with infidelity, the WS is always the key person when it comes to healing.

It would be nice if healing didn't require "work" but it does. It takes effort and compassion and the ability to see the big picture. A person is more than all the bad that they did during the affair - you have to be able to see and consider the other things that they have done, too. If the other stuff was decent and kind and fun and laudable and maybe even a little wonderful thrown in, you have to be able to weigh THAT in the balance too. The marriage has to be measured by more than just the affair as well.

If in your pain you let yourself lose sight of the whole person that your spouse is, you may decide to divorce the cheater in her without fully recognizing she's much more than that - this is more likely if you haven't given it your all when it comes to the hard healing work. (And boy, is it hard work.)

I think at the end of the day, before someone gets out of a marriage, it's good to know that you HAVE given it your all. That you've done your best, worked really hard to heal, to repair the marriage, to move forward, to live with compassion, to strive toward forgiveness and love. If you've done that, and it didn't work, then I think you can move on with a clear conscience.

 

[Lovemytruck]

I've found Shirley Glass' book Not Just Friends to be very helpful in explaining what we have to deal with. We have grief (loss of faith in our spouse, death of the old marriage) AND we're traumatized, similar to posttraumatic stress disorder (the reason it's technically not the same is because we haven't witnessed loss of life or experienced a threat of loss of our own life).

She also says that for most people, leaving the marriage is not the best answer. But for some it is. I think the questions that she has people ask themselves are helpful in sorting out which category you fall in.

Like any grief or any trauma, you can't undo the loss or the traumatic event(s) - time and healing are the only way to achieve some sense of peace in your life. Right now, with the separation, your WS isn't helping you with your healing, and with infidelity, the WS is always the key person when it comes to healing.

It would be nice if healing didn't require "work" but it does. It takes effort and compassion and the ability to see the big picture. A person is more than all the bad that they did during the affair - you have to be able to see and consider the other things that they have done, too. If the other stuff was decent and kind and fun and laudable and maybe even a little wonderful thrown in, you have to be able to weigh THAT in the balance too. The marriage has to be measured by more than just the affair as well.

If in your pain you let yourself lose sight of the whole person that your spouse is, you may decide to divorce the cheater in her without fully recognizing she's much more than that - this is more likely if you haven't given it your all when it comes to the hard healing work. (And boy, is it hard work.)

I think at the end of the day, before someone gets out of a marriage, it's good to know that you HAVE given it your all. That you've done your best, worked really hard to heal, to repair the marriage, to move forward, to live with compassion, to strive toward forgiveness and love. If you've done that, and it didn't work, then I think you can move on with a clear conscience.

I generally agree with this, except the part that most would be better off staying in the marriage. Just my opinion, but I think R is probably harder than D for the majority. I think that has to do with the WS doing the "heavy lifting." Most don't. Most cover their tracks, and avoid any consequences.

The idea that you can move forward with a clear conscious has some validity. Not because there is a moral responsibility to attempt R, but because most of the BS need to know they are making the right choice to D.

Life is a gamble that we as individuals can't control. We might get cancer. We might get struck by lightning. We might marry a low committment partner. We might divorce and marry someone that is no better.

My argument is that if I know I am married to a person that will cheat on me, wouldn't the gamble to try again with a different person be worth it? What is the worst that happens? The new spouse also cheats? Lol! Toss your coin and pray for heads. At least with life's experience, we can make a wiser choice than we did the first time.

Resentment has much to do with it. I feel that I can start a new life with no resentment instead of dealing with a mountain of resentment for a WS that betrayed me. Betrayed not only with sexual infidelity, but with lying, deceipt, defaming, etc.

Is it fair for a BS to punish the WS for months or years? I think the WS should be free to pursue a relationship where they too can have a fresh start based on love without resentment. If you love them, set them free!

Not knocking those that are in R. I admire them greatly.

It also is admirable when you recognize defeat, and move onward to your next challenge. Limbo sucks for both the WS and the BS.

Just my opinion as a BS.

 

[Lovemytruck]

typo edit...

 

[phillybeffandswiss]

What do you do? You get over it as best you can.

S4E wants honest opinions not colored by his past. He is leaving out a very important part to his situation. His case is INSANELY different than many people giving him advice to tough it out. IMO, it isn't a true trigger, it is fresh in his mind for a reason.

 

[S4E]

This is an interesting thread to me because when I found out about my xw's affair, we were divorced in a few months. I wanted to try counseling, to attempt reconciliation, etc. & she wanted the $$$ & a new life to pursue her MLC. So, I often wonder what might have happened if we did reconcile like the posters here. Posted via Mobile Device

You may wonder but you will never know for sure.

I realize I would have to live with the thought that maybe my W couldn't be trusted. I wondered if I could really forgive AND forget. .[/B] Posted via Mobile Device

[Trust me and read all of the post - YOU NEVER FORGET!

The lesson I learned is that marriage takes work. Not many ppl continue to keep a marriage fresh. In the awesome book The Road Less Traveled, the section on love is incredible! It talks about how real love begins after romantic love ends. The honeymoon always ends. Infidelity, etc. happens when one person puts their selfish needs in front of their partners needs. .[/B] Posted via Mobile Device

We took lessons and went couples dancing regularly because she wanted too (This is how we met the OM). We went on motorcyle trips, we even went to Europe 2 times the year before this happened. We were the couple who always held hands and kissed. Sometimes while dancing the DJ would joke and say "come on guys, get a room"

So true. I would much rather work on keeping my marriage fresh than throw it away and start again, even after a betrayal. There are no guarantees that the new relationship will end up any better. Because enivitably, the new relationship's honeymoon will end, things will get regular/ boring, and someone may once again put their selfish needs in front if their partners. And the cycle continues. This is why the divorce rates go up after a previous divorce, not down!.[/B] Posted via Mobile Device

But there is the guarantee that the new woman you are with did not do this to you...some people are capable of affairs, and some would never consider it!

People think that their spouse is the cause of their unhappiness. Really? Now if there's abuse, etc. I believe in ending the marriage, but most marriages can be saved, even after affairs. I guess if I had been given the chance to reconcile, I may have thought about the betrayal from time to time, but as long as we worked hard to create a lot of positive memories after the affair, the bad stuff would fade away.
Posted via Mobile Device

Again... it may fade, but it is always there lurking in the shadows and all it takes is the wrong song, line in a movie, food, etc... and it's there! Don't say "I may have thought about the betrayal from time to time" when you have no way of knowing. I kept silent for years and when she treated a friendship like I was having an affair and told me that what I put her through was every bit as bad, I snapped and everything I held inside for years came rushing to the surface. I told her I had a friend, someone who was supportive, it was never sexual, no lunch, breakfast, drinks, coffee, just a friend and nothing more. I said in 30+ years I have never even held another girls hand and you're gonna treat me like I'm cheating. (I wasn't) She actually called my new job and asked this person (my bosses assistant) "How long have you been farking my husband? I finally said "Until I stick my d!ck into someone else you have nothing to talk about". This person moved 2,000 miles away 2 years ago and I have by far gone through more over having this female friend than I ever put her through over her affair! Keep in mind she owns a hair salon and cuts men's hair all day, she is still free to go dancing.. Where I gave her trust, I got accusations. She started therapy and is trying now - but for me... it's over and just a matter of time!

 

[S4E]

I guess if I had been given the chance to reconcile, I may have thought about the betrayal from time to time, but as long as we worked hard to create a lot of positive memories after the affair, the bad stuff would fade away.
Posted via Mobile Device

Oh..and one more thing - It's easy for you to stand in judgement and say this when you don't really have a clue what you're talking about since your unfaithful wife did you the favor of leaving! Trust me, if it ever happens the bad stuff does not just fade away - you just have to learn to process it or tell yourself lies every time it comes up about how your wife was taken advantage of and manipulated by the OM... That works for awhile, maybe forever... but it's always there!

 

[S4E]

Like any grief or any trauma, you can't undo the loss or the traumatic event(s) - time and healing are the only way to achieve some sense of peace in your life. Right now, with the separation, your WS isn't helping you with your healing, and with infidelity, the WS is always the key person when it comes to healing..

My wife has cried about this and I caught her crying one morning when she thought I left for work and I came back for something. She was crying uncontrollably and said I'm so sorry i did this to you. But other than a few short burst of emotion, she generally says this happened many years ago, this is not who she is now, and she needs to move forward from it - the problem is, I'm stuck!

It would be nice if healing didn't require "work" but it does. It takes effort and compassion and the ability to see the big picture. A person is more than all the bad that they did during the affair - you have to be able to see and consider the other things that they have done, too. If the other stuff was decent and kind and fun and laudable and maybe even a little wonderful thrown in, you have to be able to weigh THAT in the balance too. The marriage has to be measured by more than just the affair as well...

I agree, but the cut was too deep. She has all of these qualities - including the wonderful, but if you read my story - the cut was too deep. I thought I could handle it but I can't and I no longer want to try. This has been a part of me for too long and I have to put it and her behind me! Sure she has done a lot of good and is a good person! But she's a good person who was effing me and my so called best friend at the same time. She would slow dance with me at night looking into my eyes making me feel like I was the most special guy in the world, give me a BJ on the way home from dancing (yes this happened more than once), go home and "make love" to me, and then do him the next morning on her way to work? Who does that kind of sh!t? Not someone I can trust or respect! Would she do it now? I seriosly believe NO - But I seriously believed NO back then too!

If in your pain you let yourself lose sight of the whole person that your spouse is, you may decide to divorce the cheater in her without fully recognizing she's much more than that - this is more likely if you haven't given it your all when it comes to the hard healing work. (And boy, is it hard work.) I think at the end of the day, before someone gets out of a marriage, it's good to know that you HAVE given it your all. That you've done your best, worked really hard to heal, to repair the marriage, to move forward, to live with compassion, to strive toward forgiveness and love. If you've done that, and it didn't work, then I think you can move on with a clear conscience.

My conscience will never be clear because I begged her to stay, she did, she held up her end of the bargain, and now I want to move on... I seriously thought over time it would fade. We've had some amazing times over these past 12 + years since her affair... But it's just always been there, and I'm tired of it and him and her...tired...sick and tired!