[weightlifter]

This is a post by doubletrouble that is the closest to posting what it feels like. IMHO a masterpiece.

Dude you have a chance. The reason you are getting so many posts is because we see the oncoming train and we are BEGGING YOU TO GET OFF THE TRACKS!

Credit below doubletrouble

>I can tell you a few things about that from a male BS standpoint.

Echoing what wl just said, you cannot say you're sorry often enough. Keep saying it. AND follow up with real change, real actions.

The mind movies of her being with another man are something that runs through my head EVERY DAY. Every day when I see the same model car, hear his name randomly on the radio or during my business day, and other triggers I won't go into for various reasons... they all put my mind back in that bed, with her naked and wet, him naked and hard, taking what was supposed to be mine. She gave it willingly, thoroughly, completely, and then wrote to him what it was like to be in such a realtionship where she loved him so much.

At that point with her I had NOTHING of what I thought I did. I was oblivious at the time, and she never told me. I had to find out. They did it in OUR bed, and since I was traveling at the time, I arrived the next day. His sperm wasn't even dead inside her before she accepted mine as well. That bites, in ways I can't even describe. It's the biggest betrayal, the biggest hit on my manhood and sexuality, as a provider and ALL the roles I take on as head of the family. That guy came in and stole it all... no, she gave it all to him in those moments.

And it's not just the moments of sex, which are bad enough. To know what was being said between the two of them, and knowing he was married anyway, so just grabbing a free piece of ass at MY expense -- it's utter destruction of my heart.

I could write on and on, because it goes on and on, but maybe that can give you a flavor of what you've done to your husband in those moments of gonad-driven stupidity and utter irresponsibility. You should be ashamed, you should be contrite, you should apologize over and over, and you must do all the heavy lifting because it was your CHOICE to spread 'em for some strange.

And I tell her: I hope it was worth it. <

 

[illwill]

Are you still with her??????

 

[MattMatt]

What is not wanted is your wife sobbing to you saying: "You were right! Kurt slipped something into my drink and he raped me!"

And Kurt would never do that, right? Yes Kurt bloody-well would. Because that's what Kurt is.

 

[BobSimmons]

I expect my wife to be pursued by other men. I expect her to be hit on. I expect other men to try and flirt with her. She is a beautiful, desirable woman. I do not get upset by other men chasing her - that is to be expected. It would be her inappropriate reaction or her action in response that would get me upset.

If my wife came to me and told me about a guy who would just not leave her alone - then I might have a "come to Jesus meeting" with him.

Absolutely. Flirting within reason is fine. Indeed many couples who have trust in each other,may have boundaries that other people would blush at, but they know nothing will ever happen because they won't ever take it past a certain point.

The question posed here is, have boundaries been established from the go? A man will test the waters, if allowed to do so, keep pushing and keep going further until he gets what he wants. The wife may have been "uncomfortable" but she didn't exactly lay the law down did she? In fact she encouraged him by framing the next time they meet..even after the man made it clear it would be just the two of them and possibly in a hotel room. Then she said she had to delete the conversation which most probably had been kept secret had OP not stumbled upon it.

On top of that she disconnected the phone from ipad.

Flirting ok. This is not flirting. This is two adults taking the conversation very slowly in a certain direction where the conclusion rests on one possibility. And it's not eating pizza.

So with this in mind, he needs to make it clear to her and the boss he won't stand for this.

 

[LongWalk]

Does she sleep in Albany College pajama pants with you? I would find them and chuck them out. Don't say a word.

 

[Satya]

Re: Re: Wife's texts while she was on the road.

DO NOT BE RDMU

Weightlifter, I truly appreciate the helpful advice you give BS's here, but this message is almost crossing the line into shaming from my viewpoint. I understand the level of involvement you had in his story and that your purpose has always been one of help and education.

There may be many, including you, that do not agree with RDMU's actions or choices (or the outcome), but the choices were his to make. Saying "don't be like this person" is not the kind of advice we should be offering.

Apologies for my derail, and no offense to anyone intended, especially you, Weightlifter. I hope you understand my feelings. I don't often have time to post as much as I'd like, but I very much support TAM as a place that has offered an eye opening, supportive stance on human nature in general.

 

[InlandTXMM]

My wife, even with unwanted attention, sometimes has a hard time shutting it down. She's in many ways the female equivalent of a Nice Guy.

That's why I advocate so strongly that the man step in and deal with it, swiftly and decisively. In many cases, the wives are in Dopamine-land and just don't knock it down hard enough for an "other man" to take the hint.

During the time my wife went ga-ga for her younger single co-worker, three other men she DIDN'T have interest in started texting her. She would politely decline invitations to go have drinks or dinner, and all these guys would do is ratchet up the effort.

It was only when I stepped in, and told each one, "Man to man, I know what you're doing. It's not innocent. Back the f*ck away from my family," they all immediately did so. None of them even gave a rebuttal or tried to profess their innocence.

 

[Hardtohandle]

Absolutely. Flirting within reason is fine. Indeed many couples who have trust in each other,may have boundaries that other people would blush at, but they know nothing will ever happen because they won't ever take it past a certain point.

The question posed here is, have boundaries been established from the go? A man will test the waters, if allowed to do so, keep pushing and keep going further until he gets what he wants. The wife may have been "uncomfortable" but she didn't exactly lay the law down did she? In fact she encouraged him by framing the next time they meet..even after the man made it clear it would be just the two of them and possibly in a hotel room. Then she said she had to delete the conversation which most probably had been kept secret had OP not stumbled upon it.

On top of that she disconnected the phone from ipad.

Flirting ok. This is not flirting. This is two adults taking the conversation very slowly in a certain direction where the conclusion rests on one possibility. And it's not eating pizza.

So with this in mind, he needs to make it clear to her and the boss he won't stand for this.

I whole heartedly agree with this..

I think everyone expects the opposite sex to flirt with their significant other.. There is NOTHING you can do about it.. Someone is going to hit on your woman or man..
Welcome to Planet Earth..

But it matters what your significant other does or how they address this situation that really matters..

I don't think anyone would or should expect their S.O. to be some sort of crazy savage and just immediately rip off the other persons head. Even if we know it was wrong.

But I would expect a simple "Look I appreciate the complements and such, but you are crossing some lines here.. I would like to be friendly with you, but NEVER, EVER anything like your insinuating or asking.. So please stop it.. I am going chaulk it up to you being drunk and nothing more. We can talk tomorrow if you like, good night"

Now that saying/statement/line might not be perfect but I think everyone gets the point.. You don't need to go scorched earth on someone, but let them know they went over "That Line".

Now unless you have something more than just this.. You're lucky.. She had a slight poor judgement call and you hit her hard for it.

You need to punish but give someone a chance to atone.. I've seen some people post about still persecuting their spouses 3 years after the affair.

Philly, think about exactly what you want out of this.. Think of the future moments and give her clear directions on what you need to see this fixed..

Then fix this and move on with your lives and your marriage..

 

[lenzi]

I've thought about hiring a PI. I've thought about buying recorders to hide in her bag, but she will be gone for 2-3 days so the battery will die.

VARs only record when there's conversation. Get a good set of high powered batteries, they'll go the distance.

Not sure how you'd hide it in her bag without her finding it though. If she discovers them, she'll go ballistic. She doesn't think she's doing anything wrong.

 

[weightlifter]

Sat... OK point taken... a bit. and modded... a bit. Sometimes I am a bit terse. I changed one word.

I see the same road in this guys wife and it scares the pizz out of me.

We are begging him to 'get off the railroad tracks.'

BTW he would say the same thing. He does not get a do over. That first RDMU inappropriate was June 2011. This OP is at the equivalent of that date. I just don't want to see his marriage take the same path. This is an EA and it will shake him. It pales in comparison of a PA. For the great majority the pain is far worse if it takes that path.

 

[MrK]

Pizza is a typical sex fuel.

:scratchhead:

 

[aug]

What is not wanted is your wife sobbing to you saying: "You were right! Kurt slipped something into my drink and he raped me!"

And Kurt would never do that, right? Yes Kurt bloody-well would. Because that's what Kurt is.

Matt, if Kurt did that then it appears she's okay with that. And is going back for more.

 

[ironman]

Philly,

Your wife seems to have some serious boundary issues. Initially I felt you should be willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, but the more of her behavior you have revealed, the more I believe she is somewhat emotionally immature and/or not vested in protecting her marriage. In fact, she she's seems to be "shopping around" for some side-action.

As a few others have hinted, I believe your best course of action is to take charge and law down the law with her. Be very clear that her behavior is out of line for a married woman and will not be tolerated. You also need to be very clear that there are consequences for her behavior ... namely the loss of her marriage and family.

Now here's where many men go wrong ... you have to "mean it" and follow through with all of the above. In other words, you have to be "the man". If you are Mr. Nice Guy and not the kind of guy who wears the pants in the family then you are going to struggle with my suggestion and most likely she's going to cheat on you eventually anyway. If that's the case .. best of luck to you.

PS: Why the hell is she going out drinking with other men without you present? Seriously .. you're ok with that? Charity my ass.

 

[bfree]

This is a noteworthy statement. People can fall into this trap very easily. I can see her falling into an affair because she wants to feel like she felt when she was single. No responsibilites, no children, no husband. Be careful here.

 

[just got it 55]

This is a noteworthy statement. People can fall into this trap very easily. I can see her falling into an affair because she wants to feel like she felt when she was single. No responsibilites, no children, no husband. Be careful here.

:iagree:

I see this IRL with my niece and her husband they have 4 boys and a disgruntled MIL in the house.

Real trouble ahead

55

 

[shaung]

Your wife has been dating this guy, and doing so behind your back. She has been consciously covering her tracks and letting the other man know that she is doing so. They thought it was their little secret. He has been sexually suggestive to her and her response is to giggle...all in secret behind your back while you sit at home.

It's dating, pure and simple. End it.

 

[MattMatt]

Matt, if Kurt did that then it appears she's okay with that. And is going back for more.

I think she might be playing games with Kurt. But Kurt might not be playing the same games as she is.

But she is the author of her own destruction and the destruction of her marriage.

 

[CouldItBeSo]

I wonder if he's Kurt Wagner?

 

[BobSimmons]

I think she might be playing games with Kurt. But Kurt might not be playing the same games as she is.

But she is the author of her own destruction and the destruction of her marriage.

From the sentiment of the texts and the way OM is speaking, he's making it clear he's not playing games. They're fixing to meet up and have drinks alone then go to a hotel. That's not game playing or flirting. She's reciprocating his advances. She's very aware of what she's doing. Author of her own destruction she definitely is.

 

[Chaparral]

BrickHouse Security | Home Security Camera Systems | GPS Surveillance

Pen voice recorder 80 bucks. Posters that have used it say its great. Just drop in purse, really works as a pen too. Odds are most women will not see it in the bottom of a purse.

Cheaters love to talk in a car when they know no one can hear them. LOL that's why he needs to put one under her seat. They will general turn down the radio to talk on the phone.