Hi All,

I'm new here, although over the last week and a half I've read a lot of posts.

A week and a half my wife left me because she was unhappy. Unhappy with my jealousy of her friends, particularly other male friends. She is staying with a friend currently but has sorted out a place to live.

Firstly, I'm 25 and my Wife is 24. We've been living together for almost 6 years and got married four months ago.

Now let me explain my jealousy, I have very low self-esteem and also depression and anxiety. This has been going on for some time, however three weeks ago I began seeking help. I have explained to her that it's not that I don't trust her, it's that I felt like any guy she met was going to be better than me. I had an epiphany last week and my self-esteem is on the up again, which is good and she is pleased to see this.

Since we have split her mind has changed from "No way never" to "I'm falling in love with you again" back to "No way never" (after a fight) and to "I'm confused and I don't know what I want, give me space". We have been the most open and honest with each other we've ever been during this period also, it seems that both of us have been withholding our sexual fantasies for fear of scaring the other away, it turns out sexually, we're a perfect match. We have been "sexual" with each other but have not actually had sex. We have kissed and cuddled, and she has looked at me with the adoration that I used to see in her eyes.

I have seen her every day for commuting purposes since we parted ways. We have had some good discussions, and some bad ones. Some laughs and some sad times.

A week or so before we split, an old friend of hers (they went out on a date in high school once) contacted her on Facebook and they met for lunch. I got jealous of this and I think this was the straw that broke the camels back.

Today while commuting with her, I inquired about her plans for the weekend and she told me that she is seeing this guy for dinner on Saturday. Foolishly I said "I thought he may have something to do with this!" rather than "Oh cool, have fun". As my self-esteem increases I have gotten over my jealousy, but my emotions are a little raw right now and I explained this to her and she understood.

Do you think she is testing me?

We are going in to NC for 2 weeks as of tonight, as I have arranged an alternative way to commute to work.

This morning she also told me she still fantasizes about me sexually, and that she's sad about NC because she is going to miss me.

I've been so up and down over the last 10 days. The mixed signals are driving me insane, but I hope NC helps.

I really do want to share my life with this woman, and as she only married me four months ago, I find it difficult to believe that she has completely given up on us. I asked her if I could take her on a date after the period of NC and she just said "We'll see".

Any opinions?

Sorry you are here. Are you ok with your wife dating other men? That is exactly what she is doing. Don't let her spin the obvious. Next time she has a date why don't you tag along.

Here's the scoop. You are a doormat. She thinks she can do as she pleases and you'll just take it. ...and she is right.

Click the 180 link and live it. The Healing Heart: The 180

Read the following books:

No More Mr. Nice Guy
Not just Friends....
Married Mans Sex Life Primer

I promise you this, YOU WILL NOT NICE HER BACK!

Considering the amount of time you have been married I would see an attorney about an annulment. I know it is not what you want but in life shyt happens. You have poor boundaries. See a counselor for your grief and boundary issues.

Good Luck

 

Would your wife be OK with you having lunch with an old HS flame?

 

...
A week and a half my wife left me because she was unhappy.
Unhappy with my jealousy of her male friends. She is staying with a friend currently but has sorted out a place to live.

Ya, I think that is pretty understandable that you would be jealous, given the situation you are in. Why does your wife have multiple guy friends? That's not right at all. Who convinced you this is YOUR problem?

Is she staying with a man right now?

...
Firstly, I'm 25 and my Wife is 24. We've been living together for almost 6 years and got married four months ago.

.... We have been "sexual" with each other but have not actually had sex. We have kissed and cuddled

Umm...lived together for 6 years, married now for 4 months, never had sex?? Sounds more like a sister or roommate. That's not normal or common...the marriage has never ever been consummated.

...
A week or so before we split, an old friend of hers (they went out on a date in high school once) contacted her on Facebook and they met for lunch. I got jealous of this and I think this was the straw that broke the camels back.

Today while commuting with her, I inquired about her plans for the weekend and she told me that she is seeing this guy for dinner on Saturday. Foolishly I said "I thought he may have something to do with this!" rather than "Oh cool, have fun".

There was nothing foolish about getting jealous here....you'd be a fool to think this wasn't really a problem. She's dating someone else...any man would be pissed off.

So she has some how convinced you that YOU are the one with the problem?...because you get jealous that she won't have sex with you, her husband, but hangs out and goes on dates with other men?

SHE is the one with the problem. This is ridiculous and childish, and you guys shouldn't have gotten married. You both need to grow up....she is not worth your time, at all. You would spend the rest of your life playing this game of, "you're just jealous and controlling....he's just a friend".

You should get an annulment or divorce and cut all ties with this baby. You need to grow up too, and start dating other grown-ups who respect reasonable relationship boundaries.

Seriously, annulment, 180, and no more contact with the kid you married.

 

Umm...lived together for 6 years, married now for 4 months, never had sex?? Sounds more like a sister or roommate. That's not normal or common...the marriage has never ever been consummated.

Sorry - I meant we have been 'sexual' since the split but not had sex. Of course we've had sex in our relationship/marriage.

She says he's just a friend and it isn't a date, and my jealousy is a problem - it's pretty much what drove a wedge between us. There's nothing wrong with a married woman having male friends.

She doesn't go on dates with men, she has a male friend who she dated once back in high school, she's adamant there is nothing between them, and I believe her. and I sometimes get paranoid that she might meet someone when she goes out drinking with her friends due to my self-esteem issues.

She is currently living with a female friend.

I'm going to tell her that if anything happens with anyone during our separation, then it's over because I won't be second best.

I am also seeking counselling to get over my self-esteem issues and we are starting no contact tonight.

I love this woman to death, I don't want to get an annulment, or a divorce.

 

Well, I hope you're wrong this time.

She only dated him once in HS to get back at an ex.

I'm not going to lie, my wife is quite selfish, and quite immature, but I love her despite flaws.

If I do find out something has happened with this guy, or any other guy, I will kick her to the curb. Until I have proof however, I have to believe she is innocent.

 

How will you find out? Do you expect her to tell you?

 

In all honesty, yes I do. She doesn't want to lead me on anymore than I want to be led on. I know how she feels about me and I am confident in that.

She needs to decide what she wants, and she needs to see that things can be different. I can show her that, no problem. I am sorting my life out, for me, not for her - if it doesn't work out with her, I'll get over it one day and be able to move on.

 

I don't think it's sexual. Honestly I don't.

I did provide for her yeah, I don't any more though. She provides for herself, and is doing okay at the moment but I think she'll struggle when she moves out of her friend's place.

 

Your jealousy may or may not be a problem but it sounds to me like she isn't ready to be married, and you can't force that. You can't force her to grow up on your timetable. She's still enjoying lots of male attention from her "friends"; don't know who she thinks she's kidding there. Be glad you found out now.
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She is very young, we met when we were 18 and within 3 months had moved in together. It was all very sudden.

She does want to recapture her teenage years and have a busy social calendar, but I know that she also loves me. This is why she is conflicted. She needs to see that she can have me, and friends, as long as they are nothing more.

 

I know you think your situation is different.

We all did. I can assure you it is not.

We veterans have seen this over and over again.

Let me ask you some questions.

1. Before your wife left, did you have access to her cell and could you read her text messages? Or was it passcode protected.

2. Do you have access to her cell records now? Can you see who she is texting and how much?

I already know the answer to question number 1, but I want you to tell me.

 

That would be a good start.:iagree:

 

Did you see the texts from her bff?

Can you see her texting records online?

 

If the texts are from iPhone to iPhone, they're sent as iMessages, and there's no record of them on a cell phone bill.

 

if he can get a hold of the iphone he could turn off imessage... its what i did

 

Tell you to go on the date with you.

 

Don't allow yourself to be cuckold'd by this woman. It's not okay. If you go along with it, you're just being a beta orbiter - waiting for her to find you desirable again. It seems you're already second place. She wants her separation to date other dudes.

Pull your head out of the sand. Put your big boy pants on and state your position. You will not get her back by accommodating her.

Go NC, stay NC. Stop supporting her trash. Start and maintain the 180 (remember, this isn't a ploy to get her back). Get your stuff together and stop making excuses for her.

HL

 

I wish you guys knew her - then you'd know, she just wants to be more socially active. I fully get that she doesn't quite realise what marriage is - she's not mature enough and I accept that. I shouldn't have married her, and more to the point she definitely shouldn't have married me as she's told me she had "doubts" about us but figured they'd pass. I still love this woman very much though and I want her in my life.

It's not just jealousy that was my problem, I pushed her away, rejected her compliments, and at times rejected her sexually because of my depression, which made her feel unwanted.

I know it's not all my fault and I've told her that - at the start of our relationship on two occasions she sought to make me jealous by chatting to other guys in bars and ignoring me all night. She told me some months later that she was "testing" me - I believe this is what she is doing now by going to dinner with this guy. She's as much to blame as I.

She also didn't communicate with me, she bottled everything up then snapped. Classic WAW.

We have started NC, for two weeks as of last night. I saw her to say "goodbye" (i got emotional...) and she pretty much told me that there is no chance of her ever getting back together with me, as it's "too late" - but as she said "You know that I love you" and that we'd see how she felt after a couple of weeks. She's hurt that I've been miserable even though we're newly wed - she doesn't seem to get that it's a sickness. I've been on medication for the past four weeks and have started counselling though.

This happened before 3 years ago, I got depressed and she left me, so this relapse has really driven her away - she says she doesn't believe in "third chances".

She's confusing the hell out of me. I'm not going to lie to you guys though, I hope this time apart makes her see what she's missing out on.

I've taken all of our wedding photos down, taken my wedding ring off and have been trying to occupy my mind so as not to dwell on it.

 

She's going to use this time apart to bang the other guy.

Let her go. Go to an attorney and file. You are both too young for marriage.

 

Too young for marriage at 25, the onset of middle age? Hardly. Prior to 200 years ago, a person of such an age could be expected to have 10 kids after 10 years of marriage.

This is merely mother nature at work, redirecting attraction to males with higher testosterone levels and greater attractiveness. OP knows his "sex rank" and he seems to think this is the best woman he's ever going to get. Once he gets his testosterone levels sorted out, he'll be able to get it together and move on.

 

The person who wants the relationship less has all the power. You say that if your wife slept with another man it would be over. Be honest, in your current state of neediness if she revealed that she had ONS and discovered that it was you she wanted, you'd probably reconcile. She knows this. To win respect you have walk away, file to annul. If she loves you, that will catch her attention. Discussion of depression and relationship will just sink you lower and lower in her eyes.
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You have been brainwashed by society to believe that women should be able to do whatever they want. If we question it we're jealous and controlling.

It's why men have such poor boundaries and why the divorce rate is so high.

Don't feel bad. All of us were brainwashed too. That's why we're here. Most of our stories sound a lot like yours.

Your wife flirts with other men in front of you. Now she's going on a date with an old BF. Of course you have low self esteem. A wife should be supportive of you. Instead she's doubling down on the behavior to make you feel worse.

She's a selfish cake-eater.

 

She's not testing you. She's done with the marriage.

I'm sorry, but you need to move on.

 

Agree with all the posters above. Your wife regrets marrying you. That seed of doubt has come so early on. Go dark on her. Only interact with regards to the annulment. She will be looking for you to return with the anxious look of a young dog desperate to mate. Deny her that predictability. On the day after the day that your exile ends have the goodbye papers in the registered post to her. Don't be at home if she returns. Come back late. Hang out with friends. Go to shooting range or theater.

Don't let her reject or pity you. You can do better than her.
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In this debate, and there are very few TAM women posters who engage or show interest in this subject, men feel strongly. My take is that long ago human societies that gave beta males a better shot a reproduction via a wife who was bound to him by moral stricture were more successful. Twelve men with spears who advanced as team beat the average super athletic alpha male warrior.

The men who participated in this scheme were not interested in having their leaders sleep with their wives. Marriage reduced strife (e.g., jealous murders). Population increased as a result. Agriculture and industry further magnified the success of the monogamous nuclear family.

As Mach points out all societies are primarily concerned with regulation of sexual and reproductive behavior. Even if some Islamic societies permit polygamy, the average Muslim family is probably closer to a Western nuclear family for economic reasons.

So, for men who marry in modern Western society, the desire of women switch partners is major shock. Women are looking for different DNA to create a new combination that increases the chances of their genes going on. Adulterous sex is often without a condom for good reason.

Are men net winners or losers? Is the current system, i.e., no fault divorce, this can be debated.

As far as ethics go. Yes, this is a matter of integrity.

By the way, an old buddy of mine (corporate IT middle manager) called to shot the breeze and wanted to express how frustrated he was because a smart beautiful woman who had just joined his team was flirting with him. “I think because I am one of the two senior persons in the group, she wants to be on my good side for the sake of job security.”

For him her flirting underlined the dullness and frustration his married life. He has two small sons and he and his wife and don’t have a good sex life anymore. He is quite a moral person. However, his family background – he was abandoned early on by his father to be raised as the only child of a nutty single mom – has left the sort of void and scars that create cheaters. I don’t think will try if for no other reason than the woman engaging him in flirtation but she is not in love with him and there is no LTR there to be had.

But it was torture to be paired with her at a team-building event that led to physical contact (modern work life in which companies undermine marriages by demanding emotional allegiance to colleagues). He could have sex with her after at that sort of event but it would probably blow up in his face and he knows it.

The moral difference between the cheaters and non-cheaters is not always so great as we might like to believe.

There is plenty of dull misery in marriages that have better and worse periods. Infidelity may give happiness to some when they get away with it but when it blows up the pain is rather raw.

 

So first day of No Contact is almost over, and she has already text me.

The text was just to let me know she'd taken care of a financial arrangement, that she had already told me she would do and thus a pointless text. It was in a light-hearted tone, and she tagged a "hope you're ok" on the end.

I haven't replied and nor am I going to. She needs to respect that I am strong, and this is how to show her.

I won't be second best to anyone, and I won't be her safety net. I deserve better than that. If NC gets her to come back, then great, if not, then great cause I'll still have me, and my friends.

 

She will test you and your resolve. Don't fold like a pup tent when she does.

What did you find out from the phone records?

How does she support herself financially? Do you help?

 

You are placing too much emphasis on surviving NC and hoping for a result from it. You need to change yourself and the dynamics of your relationship. That will take more time.

 

So, little update.

I've been keeping a journal of everything lately. A female friend (only a friend) had invited me to stay with her for a while. I wrote this in my journal.

Yesterday my wife decided to read my journal when she was moving her stuff out. She read about that and went crazy.

Now she tells me she's in bed lying next to her new man, and that she's moved on.

Obviously a rebound, but that **** can take a hike.

 

I'm so damn angry right now

She was the biggest mistake of my life.

 

Good you realized it now. Pick yourself up, walk away from her and start over.
You are young enough that someday you will find the right person an live a happy life.
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WWB,

Keep in mind, she was YOUR mistake.

Get right with you before you do it again.