[lordmayhem]

One of the downsides of your highly effective "go dark" approach (which is the only way you could have gone and cannot be second guessed in the least - it was the only option for your sanity) is that you do not have closure. And she is unlikely to serve up closure to you on a silver platter.

I think that sums it up in a nutshell. What he might be seeking by an admission of wrong doing is closure. I know exactly what that feels like. But you can move on without it.

 

[Shamwow]

Just stopped by the house...grab a few things from the basement. I'll be heading back on Sunday for more. Her gf was there, and there was some conversation, casual and pleasant, as per "usual" this week. Nothing much worth mentioning, but they were talking about the doctor being skeptical of how she got hurt (are you sure no one did this to you? How many drinks had you had before you fell on the stairs? etc). My wife said in passing "Hell, I figured it was just karma...". I said nothing, but her gf changed the subject right away.

Also, when I left I realised I forgot something, called her and said I had to stop back real quick. Her gf was gone by then. I grabbed what I forgot and started heading for the door, and she said "Is that all you came back for?" I said yeah, well see you on Sunday. I paused for a second though, as she seemed disappointed that's the only reason I came back. Gave her a chance to open her mouth. She chose not to. Little stuff to mess with my head. But I'll try not to let it get to me. It's Friday, right??

The recent posts on closure are dead on, I'm just letting things roll out I guess, not expecting jack. Doc gave me Xanax today. Hopefully that will tamp down the nights my mind is racing.
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[MEM2020]

Sham,
Let me help you here as subtext is my specialty and it is easy to be objective from the bleachers.

1. The karma comment was: I deserve this for behaving so badly
2. Is that all you came back for was an invitation which you rejected. Great move.

I really hope you do not reconcile - she is not trust worthy. That said this is going to escalate. She likely will give you a full blown apology before the dust settles. If you are wise you will accept it AND still move on.

Just stopped by the house...grab a few things from the basement. I'll be heading back on Sunday for more. Her gf was there, and there was some conversation, casual and pleasant, as per "usual" this week. Nothing much worth mentioning, but they were talking about the doctor being skeptical of how she got hurt (are you sure no one did this to you? How many drinks had you had before you fell on the stairs? etc). My wife said in passing "Hell, I figured it was just karma...". I said nothing, but her gf changed the subject right away.

Also, when I left I realised I forgot something, called her and said I had to stop back real quick. Her gf was gone by then. I grabbed what I forgot and started heading for the door, and she said "Is that all you came back for?" I said yeah, well see you on Sunday. I paused for a second though, as she seemed disappointed that's the only reason I came back. Gave her a chance to open her mouth. She chose not to. Little stuff to mess with my head. But I'll try not to let it get to me. It's Friday, right??

The recent posts on closure are dead on, I'm just letting things roll out I guess, not expecting jack. Doc gave me Xanax today. Hopefully that will tamp down the nights my mind is racing.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[krismimo]

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

[golfergirl]

Sham,
Let me help you here as subtext is my specialty and it is easy to be objective from the bleachers.

1. The karma comment was: I deserve this for behaving so badly
2. Is that all you came back for was an invitation which you rejected. Great move.

I really hope you do not reconcile - she is not trust worthy. That said this is going to escalate. She likely will give you a full blown apology before the dust settles. If you are wise you will accept it AND still move on.

I agree. It makes me angry that she is treating it lightly like she got caught doing something silly bad not gut wrenching, life-altering painful. Like a couple of cutesy comments can bring everything back to okay. Like she's so charming and wonderful and such a prize that a few dismissive comments like, 'oooo my bad' can erase everything. I swear I felt worse for scuffing H's rim and tearing his low-profile tire on a curb than she does for ruining both your lives.
It just makes me angry. If she was totally done with you, it would have been a cruel way to do it, but since she's showing interest again, it's even worse.
I'm sorry you're struggling and hurting.
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[seeking sanity]

Sham,

I really hope you do not reconcile - she is not trust worthy. That said this is going to escalate. She likely will give you a full blown apology before the dust settles. If you are wise you will accept it AND still move on.

I don't necessarily agree with this. All the drama you described is pretty normal (doesn't make it easy or right). Some marriages can get better after infidelity, some can't. The thing that it does do is open you up to understanding that relationships are no guarantee of security. People do all manner of hurtful, self destructive things. But that box has already been opened and you can't close it. Whether you deal with that in this marriage or the next.

I've noticed that women are much less likely to initially confess and do all the needed reconciliation things compared with men. I'm not sure why - maybe because men tend to be less emotionally invested. She seems to be coming out of the fog and I think MEM's right that you can expect a confession and some contrition.

For me, I'm happy that I reconciled because I put value in history and long time we've been together. That's important to me. And now that we are doing well, I'm happy.

But I do have kids (many) so it's a bit different. And we've been together much longer. There's really no wrong answer. Life is a hard road, no matter which one you take.

 

[MarriedTex]

Sham,
Let me help you here as subtext is my specialty and it is easy to be objective from the bleachers.

1. The karma comment was: I deserve this for behaving so badly
2. Is that all you came back for was an invitation which you rejected. Great move.

I really hope you do not reconcile - she is not trust worthy. That said this is going to escalate. She likely will give you a full blown apology before the dust settles. If you are wise you will accept it AND still move on.

Sham, not to be crass, but I don't care what you do. I just want you to do what's right for Sham. Not what's right for a bunch of Internet yahoos. Good luck.

 

[lordmayhem]

Nothing much worth mentioning, but they were talking about the doctor being skeptical of how she got hurt (are you sure no one did this to you? How many drinks had you had before you fell on the stairs? etc). My wife said in passing "Hell, I figured it was just karma...". I said nothing, but her gf changed the subject right away.

It's nice that you got that email from her asking for your help.

 

[morituri]

"I grabbed what I forgot and started heading for the door, and she said"Is that all you came back for?" I said yeah, well see you on Sunday. I paused for a second though, as she seemed disappointed that's the only reason I came back. Gave her a chance to open her mouth. She chose not to. Little stuff to mess with my head. But I'll try not to let it get to me. It's Friday, right??

Bravo SW! If she was remorseful and apologetic for what she has done (like my ex-wife was) then she could have answered you differently. But considering how prideful she is, it is better to let her realize that she is of no consequence in your new life.

A lot of women think that all we men think of is sexual intercourse and they are dead wrong. Yes we are attracted to the female form and how the woman shows her femininity (i.e. mannerisms, make up and clothing), but what we desire most in women is appreciation and respect.

 

[Hijo]

what we desire most in women is appreciation and respect.

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

[F-102]

It's nice that you got that email from her asking for your help.

Very good that he has it, but IMHO, if she was going to go the false accusation route, she would have done so long ago.

When I was in the Army, my W fell out of bed early in the morning, getting a cut and bruise above her eye. I took her to the hospital on base, and they patched her up, gave her the "how many fingers" tests, and sent us on our way. On the drive home, she asked me why they were asking her "strange" questions while there: "Are you and your H having problems? Has he ever hit you before? Does he drink?" (This was her first visit to a U.S. ER, and she comes from a country where if a woman gets a scratch on her, they do not form Frankenstein-style lynch mobs to go after her H). And, for the rest of the week, whenever we went out, and she was wearing that bandage on her eyebrow, everyone was looking at her with sadness, and at me with contempt. Fortunately, nothing ever came of it, but I've always wondered: what if that doc decided to report me to my commander? Those were the days of Bill Clinton's "Every military wife is married to an abuser" Army, and the story may have taken a very different turn.

 

[Catherine602]

A lot of women think that all we men think of is sexual intercourse and they are dead wrong. Yes we are attracted to the female form and how the woman shows her femininity (i.e. mannerisms, make up and clothing), but what we desire most in women is appreciation and respect.

Mori Yes and no - Many think, with derision, that you can lead a man around by his d**k, this the negative view of male sexuality and an attempt at naked manipulation. I don't know if Mrs S was trying this on because she thought that he was going to lead with his d**k or if she longed to be held by him and connect. That is also possible.

Women respect men who show control. Bravo Sham no matter what happens, her respect for you deepens with each encounter. P***y wiped men are most often viewed with contempt.
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[Shamwow]

Probably not worth posting, just feeling down and kinda empty today. This last week has taken a toll on Mk II. Everything is a struggle, I reluctantly agreed to go watch the football game with a buddy of mine. It was fun and I kept pretty casual, but I keep thinking about her. Now that the tsunami of anger has subsided, I'm back to just missing my wife, and my life (as I thought it was). Not healthy to dwell on it, trying not to, gym didn't even seem to help today. So now I'm down the street from my new apt at a pub by myself, seeing if a martini will help. Methinks it won't, but this may be one day where I give in to the loneliness and just let it roll over me.

W cancelled today for me coming by to clear out some stuff from the basement and straighten up what's left for house showing. She's been throwing up all day (hasn't been taking nausea meds the doc gave her last week), says she isn't up to going through things. Why does this make me sad? I'm not *supposed* to want to see her. But I guess I do. Can't get sucked back in, especially since she has given no real indication that she wants to suck me back in. Any responses from me have been Mk II, but in my mind I know I'm just pretending today.

WEAK today. Probably for the best I don't see her, need to take some time to steel up again, get my head on straight, and ride the wave before I put myself in any position to damage my progress. So used to feeling in charge, today i just feel lonely, even though I'm currently surrounded by dozens of people. Guess the contact this last week has thrown me for a loop.

I know R is a hopeless cause, but I'm dreaming today I guess, the dream is that she lays it all out there and wants me back. Not worth my time to even entertain this fantasy, given the circumstances. This is the hardest day I've had in weeks. Just venting, I'll be okay. Maybe not till tomorrow though.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[joe kidd]

Everything is worth posting. Of course you miss her, did you think you wouldn't? R isn't possible as long as she thinks she did nothing wrong. Stay strong man. Hey my SO screwed around and I'm still with her. But..... she got down on her knees and dealt with me seeing another woman in the wake of her A. Begged every day for a while before I decided I wanted to stay. Not saying R is out of the question, just saying it should be on your terms.

 

[F-102]

Sham, you're only human, with human emotions. It is quite normal to miss her and the life you had. Go ahead and wallow in misery for awhile-eventually, you will no longer want to.

 

[morituri]

Hey it's ok to grieve for the woman who once loved you and was your real wife. A few months ago I also grieved when I learned that my ex-wife had been institutionalized in a psychiatric hospital by her family for suicidal tendencies. It's obviously sad but reassuring at the same time, to know that we can still feel love even for the women who hurt us like no other person has. It ain't easy being human.

 

[Shamwow]

I would prefer to be a machine today, human is no good.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Dadof3]

I would prefer to be a machine today, human is no good.
Posted via Mobile Device

Sham - I'm sorry to hear that you aren't doing well today. I debated bringing this up based on your first post for today - but this might help you steel up to Mk II again - then again, maybe not.

Is it possible that she could be pregnant from the affair? I just read where a woman's "morning sickness" peaks or is worst at the fifth to seventh week of pregnancy.

Speculation of course, and I'm not trying to get you down, but I think it is wise to have a dose of reality with this.

I've thought about your predicament a lot and wonder if you need to be "righteously" angry when dealing with your wife - or in other words, she needs to know how much her betrayal has hurt you ( I don't think it is unmanly to communicate your feelings) when she makes a come-on to you.

Time for me to shut up again.

Hang in there Sham. Our thoughts are with you.

 

[tacoma]

Stay strong Sham.

I can`t even imagine going through what you`ve been through the past month or so.

Let the pain and sadness roll through you tonight.

Tomorrow get up and read through some of those chat logs you got off the hard drive.
Maybe it`ll give you a bit of that righteous anger and help keep the sadness away for a time.

Stay busy and keep your mind occupied, it will pass and there will be better days.

 

[Shamwow]

Sham - I'm sorry to hear that you aren't doing well today. I debated bringing this up based on your first post for today - but this might help you steel up to Mk II again - then again, maybe not.

Is it possible that she could be pregnant from the affair? I just read where a woman's "morning sickness" peaks or is worst at the fifth to seventh week of pregnancy.

Speculation of course, and I'm not trying to get you down, but I think it is wise to have a dose of reality with this.

I've thought about your predicament a lot and wonder if you need to be "righteously" angry when dealing with your wife - or in other words, she needs to know how much her betrayal has hurt you ( I don't think it is unmanly to communicate your feelings) when she makes a come-on to you.

Time for me to shut up again.

Hang in there Sham. Our thoughts are with you.

Please don't shut up, you may speculate as you wish, I'm posting here for release and insight.

Anything is possible. She went off birth control for a few months while on her 10-wk trip thru the end of June. Far as I know she didn't go back on until a week before the last trip a week before Vegas in mid-August (I called her on this, as I had seen it sitting out all of a sudden...she said she was going back on for "when we got better"...just like the lingerie, etc). And it takes a few weeks to kick in. So it's possible. But...being she's on epilepsy medication, she'd definitely not have any child in such circumstances (almost guaranteed serious birth defects). OMW asked me about this possibility too, I told her that. If it were actually the case, I would hate to believe it, but I will believe almost anything at this point, particularly if it's the worst thing imaginable for me. (would put a smiley face in here for emphasis, but that wouldn't be funny right now).

But I don't fault you for bringing it up...I almost wanted to jokingly ask her if she was pregnant when she told me she was throwing up.

If she is...OM is staunchly pro-life and this would only cause more massive pain for everyone involved...again. In which case, well played, confused gods of karma. Keep it coming. How much more before the earth opens up and swallows the four of us for fun?