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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
So...been through Sex In Marriage, Coping With Infidelity, and now here I am. Divorce. One could say TAM has failed me and my marriage...but I know that couldnt be further from the truth...my W did that. My thread has been a roller coaster ride for almost a month now. And my life has been that for nearing three months. With the help of this forum, professionals and friends, I find myself serving my STBX papers coldly and calmly, as if it were easy.

But it isn't. As much as she has acted as a cold and heartless succubus with no conscience in these last few months, I know deep down that isn't true, as I loved her and took care of her for 8+ years, and received the same and more from her the entire time...before the change came. My friends and family have told me (pretty much ALL of them, separately) that they never would have expected her to do what she did to me these last few months (cheated, lied, denied, blameshifted, lied, cheated again, lied more, projected, lied, and guilted ME for it). They all told me how fiercely loyal she was...and I agreed, and pointed out how much I always loved that about her. She would punch Pacino in the d**k if he said anything bad about me (proverbially, of course...but seriously, she would have done it if necessary.)

A couple years of regular work travel, and one day it's all over. And now she is too, as are we. She became infatuated with some dou**e selling her a story of why I am not deserving of such a sexy, fantastic, fun-loving girl, actually fell in love with him over a few months of chronic texting, ph calls and video chat sex (and then PA) on the road, and handed over our marriage to him. I felt it, gathered evidence and tried to stop it, but she chose to continue and let it happen against my strongest wishes...testing my strength.

My strength, which I didn't remember I had, my friends and this forum have brought me here. I am gone, moved out, shocked that my months of overtures, pleas, then calm demands and demonstration of massive self-improvement for the sake of our marriage have gone essentially unnoticed and disrespected. She has no money (at the moment at least), no dogs (we've raised and loved two from pups over the last 7+ years) and now she has to maintain a house she can't easily afford by herself now that I've moved out.

Now I'm sending process servers to make the clock start ticking...because she is showing me she doesn't CARE that she f***ed some guy while married to me, her husband, lover, friend. She wants me to think it's my fault SHE did these things. The things I had to do to discover proof of this are "sick" to her.

And tonight I find myself knowing I'm doing the right thing...but also having a hard time blocking out all the good memories...there are so many. What do I do with them? Sell them on craigslist? Feel so strong about 95% of the time...then I accidentally run across a picture or two as I'm setting up my computer gear in my new apt, and I'm crying w my dogs for an hour. Grown man, in charge of the sitch, many steps ahead of her at this point in the D. But wish I could take that 5% and shove it up her *** for what she's done to my great memories. I want them all back so I can throw them away. But I can't. The good times were great, but she is gone now, and now so am I...all I hear from her now is how I'm a (insert your negative descriptor) for effing with people's lives, never anything about her months of planned adultery being wrong in any way.

Tomorrow is attempt number two for her to be served. Hope she answers the door this time. Let's get this ball rolling so I can feel good again. Different every day, forgive my apparent weakness for love lost...

My attorney tells me to put being "nice" right out of my head...does it get easier to do that, or am I in for months of method acting to end this (newly defined) sham of a marriage?

No pun intended. FML.
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What you are going through is all part of the process of grieving the loss of your marriage.

Dont worry about her not being served right away. Let your lawyer deal with it. Your wife is not the first to avoid being served.
 

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This is all too sad, I can't believe the bull sh!t women fall for. I've been around a long time now and have seen the low class guys and the lines women will go for. I've seen everything from older married women to newlyweds go for a line that that no one could possibly believe. I know what the dirt bags are thinking but for the women to buy into it is incomprehensible. And they have to know they are risking everything for someone who is just looking to get laid.

Good luck Sham, sure wish this had turned out differently..........

Chap
 

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But it isn't. As much as she has acted as a cold and heartless succubus with no conscience in these last few months, I know deep down that isn't true, as I loved her and took care of her for 8+ years, and received the same and more from her the entire time...before the change came. My friends and family have told me (pretty much ALL of them, separately) that they never would have expected her to do what she did to me these last few months (cheated, lied, denied, blameshifted, lied, cheated again, lied more, projected, lied, and guilted ME for it). They all told me how fiercely loyal she was...and I agreed, and pointed out how much I always loved that about her. She would punch Pacino in the d**k if he said anything bad about me (proverbially, of course...but seriously, she would have done it if necessary.)

You know, I didn't realize that this part of her existed. The loyal protector. So now you're dealing with the sudden realization that the last eight years were possibly just a lie, or at least that has to be a major thread in the mind's processing of what is going on. On top of that, you suddenly have to redefine Shamwow. Who is this new guy, who no longer has a devoted wife by his side, at least mentally?

I don't know if it can mean much now, but you pushed through the confrontation in a way that can truly start the process of re-defining yourself on a good foundation. A man that you can be proud of. Wouldn't it take a pretty shallow person to never grieve the loss of what seemed so pure until just recently? In order to let her go, you have to let yourself mourn. Soon though, you'll begin to see that you deserve happiness, and deserve something great, but you will want it on your terms, when you are ready for it.

I'm rooting for you.
 

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Good lord, Sham, you made me cry. You are a fine young man. And a gentleman. I'm glad you have TAM to help support you through this next unfortunate phase. It's really a privilege to follow along, and watch your strength and confidence build. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.
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By the way, the last 8 years were NOT a lie. She changed, but her love for you was real and the girl you cherished existed. I'm 1000% certain of it.
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Right, sham-get the "nice" out of your head. Like it or not, a state of war exists.

P.S.- Let's hope this thread doesn't grow like a 1950's B-grade horror flick atomic experiment gone wrong!:D

We're here for 'ya, bro!
 
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But it isn't. As much as she has acted as a cold and heartless succubus with no conscience in these last few months, I know deep down that isn't true, as I loved her and took care of her for 8+ years, and received the same and more from her the entire time...before the change came. My friends and family have told me (pretty much ALL of them, separately) that they never would have expected her to do what she did to me these last few months (cheated, lied, denied, blameshifted, lied, cheated again, lied more, projected, lied, and guilted ME for it). They all told me how fiercely loyal she was...and I agreed, and pointed out how much I always loved that about her. She would punch Pacino in the d**k if he said anything bad about me (proverbially, of course...but seriously, she would have done it if necessary.)
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As the news slowly began to trickle out about my pending divorce, many individuals in both mine and my ex-husband’s life were shocked.

Shamwow, you probably did not marry a horrible person. Somewhere along the line she become unhappy and chose selfish ways to find happiness. There are times when those choices cause damage to where the relationship it beyond repair.

A friend offered these consoling words to me while trying to recover from the emotional pain of my divorce, “Sometimes when an individual is not happy, they can behave in a very undesirable way. It doesn’t make them a bad person, just a person who made bad choices.”

Take care!
 

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Sham- You've very clearly described how I feel about my wife. Circumstances are different, but you and I both seem to be in the same place. We didn't marry a lie. We didn't marry bad people. We just didn't get to see how unhappy they had become, because they couldn't face it themselves. The irony in this is that the selfish things they have done to be happy will make them more unhappy with themselves in the long run. It is the only justice in the process. We are better off in all of this facing these feelings upfront. They have a much longer and harder road to travel.

You can't continue to be nice. They want that to make themselves feel better. Be an ass and do it because it is how you feel. They deserve it, right?

GearHead
 

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The irony in this is that the selfish things they have done to be happy will make them more unhappy with themselves in the long run. It is the only justice in the process. We are better off in all of this facing these feelings upfront. They have a much longer and harder road to travel.
GearHead

I believe this to be true, but what I don't agree with is that the suffering of our ex's is somehow justice we should enjoy. To me it's just more sad. Sure they've hurt us and we want to react to this pain, but during my various separations, I didn't once "enjoy" the suffering and pain my ex was going through.

I don't understand this sentiment.
 

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I believe this to be true, but what I don't agree with is that the suffering of our ex's is somehow justice we should enjoy. To me it's just more sad. Sure they've hurt us and we want to react to this pain, but during my various separations, I didn't once "enjoy" the suffering and pain my ex was going through.

I don't understand this sentiment.
I don't think it's enjoying their pain, it's justification that they are experiencing the results of their choices. The BS had no choice in their pain and is just seems like the karma train is evening things out a little.
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Sham, you have done yourself proud. You handled your wife the proper way. I went through a break up (not marriage) when I was very young where my girlfriend cheated on me and chose to leave. I handled it poorly. I begged and pleaded and was very weak. A few months later I was told by friends that if I had been strong, she probably would have come back to me. Many years (20 years) later this former girlfriend told me that she regrets that she cheated on me. I regret that I was weak.

For some reason, I feel that your wife is going to come back to you. She will wake up and regret what she has given up. It will be up to you to decide what your response to her will be.

One thing for sure, if she does come back and you decide to give the marriage another chance, she will know the consequences. She will know that infidelity really is a deal breaker. She will respect you for being a strong man. She will love you more.

I wish you the best. I admire your strength. I hope in the future that I never have to deal with what you did, but if I do, I will remember your story. It will give me strength just like it will do for many others who you have shared your story with.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
She done got served.

Phew...now we're officially moving forward. For some reason I was starting to fear she'd serve ME and file first if I dragged my feet any longer, not that I'd care really, but why lose the momentum I have on my side if I can avoid it?

Interesting, she texted to tell me the papers arrived, but they looked identical to what she already has - the Summary and Petition for Dissolution of Marriage that I signed and left on the table 2 weeks ago when I left. (I presume they are, they are just now officially delivered and the clock is now ticking on the 30 day response time she has). She said her attorney needs the Marital Termination Agreement to move forward. It's my understanding that is one of the LAST things we do before the divorce is final. Leads me to believe she truly did hire Lionel Hutz, or...just maybe...she doesn't actually have an attorney yet. My response was to ask her to have her attorney contact mine to clear up any confusion and move forward. Curious to hear from my guy if he actually hears from someone. Either way, tick, tick, tick.

Anyway, prob wasn't worth mentioning that, I've sent a note to my guy telling him all that. But since I feel like I'm in some kind of TV movie where things like this actually take place, I figured I'd share my mild amusement. Have a good day y'all, she done got served. Is this S-Day?
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You are not alone in this. Details are different but the basics are the same for me as well. This support has helped and will help you too.

Good luck with everything. Find the person you deserve to be with.
 

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Sham, you have done yourself proud. You handled your wife the proper way. I went through a break up (not marriage) when I was very young where my girlfriend cheated on me and chose to leave. I handled it poorly. I begged and pleaded and was very weak. A few months later I was told by friends that if I had been strong, she probably would have come back to me. Many years (20 years) later this former girlfriend told me that she regrets that she cheated on me. I regret that I was weak.

For some reason, I feel that your wife is going to come back to you. She will wake up and regret what she has given up. It will be up to you to decide what your response to her will be.

One thing for sure, if she does come back and you decide to give the marriage another chance, she will know the consequences. She will know that infidelity really is a deal breaker. She will respect you for being a strong man. She will love you more.

I wish you the best. I admire your strength. I hope in the future that I never have to deal with what you did, but if I do, I will remember your story. It will give me strength just like it will do for many others who you have shared your story with.
:smthumbup::smthumbup::iagree:
 

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I believe this to be true, but what I don't agree with is that the suffering of our ex's is somehow justice we should enjoy. To me it's just more sad. Sure they've hurt us and we want to react to this pain, but during my various separations, I didn't once "enjoy" the suffering and pain my ex was going through.

I don't understand this sentiment.
I don't revel in anyone's pain and sorrow, but that doesn't mean it isn't required. Actions have consequences, and there is nothing we can do to "punish" them. Life does that on its own.

I am however struck by this interpretation as it is the same view my STBXW has when I try to explain the pain that will come. She to see's it as me enjoying it. I don't understand that interpretation. Perhaps I'm wording things very poorly and not getting the message across.:(

GearHead
 

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Sham- You've very clearly described how I feel about my wife. Circumstances are different, but you and I both seem to be in the same place. We didn't marry a lie. We didn't marry bad people. We just didn't get to see how unhappy they had become, because they couldn't face it themselves. The irony in this is that the selfish things they have done to be happy will make them more unhappy with themselves in the long run. It is the only justice in the process. We are better off in all of this facing these feelings upfront. They have a much longer and harder road to travel.

GearHead
:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: My ex still suffers from her decisions to this day and probably always will. She left the perfect life and entered a complete mess with no future.

You can't continue to be nice. They want that to make themselves feel better. Be an ass and do it because it is how you feel. They deserve it, right?

GearHead
I disagree with being an ass though. I think the best way is to take care of yourself first of all. Just like you did Sham, find a place to stay, get the dogs and keep on living. Things will fall back into place for you. It's only been a month, so give it some time. The trip to the bar with your buddy and your experience with those girls are a good sign. Things take time.

Good Luck!
 

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Maybe it's the word "justice" - as if the consequence to the Wayward spouse makes our pain easier somehow, because it doesn't. They will feel the sting of their actions, and it will hurt them someday. Probably worse than it hurt us because there is guilt in addition to loss. Feeling it is important for them to grow as people. But it's all just tragic and unnecessary. There is no justice. There is maybe personal growth. There is pain and sadness. But no justice. Everyone losses.
 

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I don't revel in anyone's pain and sorrow, but that doesn't mean it isn't required. Actions have consequences, and there is nothing we can do to "punish" them. Life does that on its own.

I am however struck by this interpretation as it is the same view my STBXW has when I try to explain the pain that will come. She to see's it as me enjoying it. I don't understand that interpretation. Perhaps I'm wording things very poorly and not getting the message across.:(

GearHead
I understand what you are saying (having been there and done that). I told my ex about the negative consequences of her choices as a way to "logic" her out of it. It didn't work, of course, and she did eventually come to suffer some of those very consequences, and eventually she said "well I guess you were right, I'm going to be poor". And I said, "I don't really want you to be poor, I was just trying to warn you." Revenge loses its sweetness when it gets cold. Which I think is why that saying exists.
 

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As the news slowly began to trickle out about my pending divorce, many individuals in both mine and my ex-husband’s life were shocked.



A friend offered these consoling words to me while trying to recover from the emotional pain of my divorce, “Sometimes when an individual is not happy, they can behave in a very undesirable way. It doesn’t make them a bad person, just a person who made bad choices.”

Take care!
She was on the road too long, resulting in too many lonely nights. Partied too much for company, drank too much, outcome too predictable. If she isn't suffering now, which I think she is, she soon will be. And that's sad too.

Chap
 
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