[tom67]

Yea go see a lawyer tell him what you want he'll file then give him her work address so she can be served there, it does wonders to wake them up out of the fog plus it lights up your phone like a christmas tree. Don't let this fester just get it over with.

 

[BetrayedDad]

Tell her that if she gives you 50/50 custody with no alimony and no state ordered child support, you will then consider dating her after divorce. She can have all the time she needs, and if she doesn't want to date you, that's fine, too.
Of course, she'll never take your offer, but it's still worth trying.

Funny you say that cause that's the deal I'm getting so far. Hence the reluctance to expose to OMW and potentially screw up my deal.

I love this website. It is my "oasis of sanity" in my currently messed up life.

 

[Shaggy]

The correct answer is: No more time. The marriage already ended when you chose to cheat. Take the offer now and realize how very lucky that your only loosing your husband and family, you both could have lost your jobs too. Take the offer now, or that may change.

 

[tom67]

Tell her that if she gives you 50/50 custody with no alimony and no state ordered child support, you will then consider dating her after divorce. She can have all the time she needs, and if she doesn't want to date you, that's fine, too.
Of course, she'll never take your offer, but it's still worth trying.

You should say what wilderness wrote then tell us how the look on her face was I have to admit that is a good mind bender.

 

[Chaparral]

Update: WS wants "time". Not sure if she wants to "work things out". Feels like she's being "rushed" into a decision by me filing for D. Needs to "think about things" and take care of "herself". Says she's getting "mixed signals" from me by filing for D then being so nice to her.

Clearly she's still hung up on the POSOM....

What time does she want? She's had 6 months to think about it while she was cheating. All I want is for WS to show some genuine remorse for what she did. All she does is act like she's sorry for getting caught rather than for what she did. The D is happening but it would of been nice to see any kind of attempt to save the marriage rather than asking me for "time". Why? So you can wait around for POSOM to never leave his wife?

I'm convinced she's waiting for me to beg her to come back so she can pick up where she left of with him. Sorry ain't going to happen.

Sorry, just venting. Really SUCKS she's such a selfish POS herself...

The divorce ain't final yet. She can take all the time she wants, will anyone be waiting though. Just tell her she has time but the clocks ticking on how much time is left to withdraw the divorce.

Has she been served?

Here is a website you need to give some thought to. The Rules Of Social Savviness: Rule #3 | Chateau Heartiste

 

[MrHappyHat]

Update: WS wants "time". Not sure if she wants to "work things out". Feels like she's being "rushed" into a decision by me filing for D. Needs to "think about things" and take care of "herself". Says she's getting "mixed signals" from me by filing for D then being so nice to her.

She wants more time because she's fairly sure that she can do better than you, but hasn't convinced the POSOM to commit.

If she has more 'time' and 'space' she has breathing room to work toward her preferred outcome (leaving you), but if things fall through, she can go back to you and your financial and emotional support. Until she sees another opportunity to trade-up, that is.

 

[BetrayedDad]

Has she been served?

We filed a joint petition.

and thanks for the link... I know I need to fix my beta problems.

I need to work on me too.

 

[BetrayedDad]

She wants more time because she's fairly sure that she can do better than you, but hasn't convinced the POSOM to commit.

If she has more 'time' and 'space' she has breathing room to work toward her preferred outcome (leaving you), but if things fall through, she can go back to you and your financial and emotional support. Until she sees another opportunity to trade-up, that is.

EXACTLY...

I'm done being played for a fool.

 

[warlock07]

Feels like she's being "rushed" into a decision by me filing for D..

I mean, how ridiculous is this ? I just cannot get my head around this logic. How entitled must she feel to actually say this. She was having sex with another man for many months and now she feels rushed ?

 

[wilderness]

Funny you say that cause that's the deal I'm getting so far. Hence the reluctance to expose to OMW and potentially screw up my deal.

I love this website. It is my "oasis of sanity" in my currently messed up life.

One thing to keep in mind is that if you are able to get this deal signed and ratified by a judge, she won't be able to go for alimony after the fact but she will be able to go for child support. Depending on where you live, this could be a huge financial calamity to you. Where I live, for example, even in a 50/50 situation, the higher earner would pay around 28% of their gross (probably over 40% of their net) in child support to the lower earner. BTW, it's a near certainty that at some point she will file for child support as they almost always do.

The counter to this risk is to try to make yourself the custodial parent. You can agree to waive child support of your x, and you can always give her more time with the children than the court order calls for.

This might be the best thing to do, anyway, as your wife has thus far proven that she is not a very good role model nor is she acting like a good parent at this time.

 

[tom67]

Show her what being divorced is like take the kids somewhere for a long weekend tell her to get used to it. What an entitled biotch.

 

[dymo]

Best case scenario, how long do you think it will be till the divorce is finalized?

 

[toonaive]

Been there Betrayed, you are still her plan B. Kill that plan for her by marching towards divorce. Do not allow her, the best way you can, to get that control over you, and the tempo of the divorce. You are now in charge of how the marriage will end. As said before, her preferred outcome is leaving you. I think you realize now its been her plan for quite a while. You have made great great strides in getting on top of this. Do not allow her to change any of this! If there is a minuscule chance of R, and its what you wish. She has to respect you above all else. Anything short of this, and R will fail miserably, and you will have lost all you gained. Next time, things will be more difficult for you. This really is from personal experience.

 

[BetrayedDad]

Best case scenario, how long do you think it will be till the divorce is finalized?

Attorney says if everything goes smooth I'll be, "Divorced by Christmas."

 

[wilderness]

Maybe the best thing to do is to convince her to move out while she 'thinks'. That way you put yourself in a much better position for custody when things can nasty.
And they will turn nasty, they always do.

 

[BetrayedDad]

I mean, how ridiculous is this ? I just cannot get my head around this logic. How entitled must she feel to actually say this. She was having sex with another man for many months and now she feels rushed ?

IMO to her the affair is not the problem but a symptom of the overall rut our marriage became. Almost in a way, I deserved to be cheated on cause our marriage flat lined. No accountability for her actions, like a murder who says the voices in their head made them kill someone. She's enamored with a guy who cheats on his pregnant wife. That should say something to how delusional she is....

 

[tom67]

IMO to her the affair is not the problem but a symptom of the overall rut our marriage became. Almost in a way, I deserved to be cheated on cause our marriage flat lined. No accountability for her actions, like a murder who says the voices in their head made them kill someone. She's enamored with a guy who cheats on his pregnant wife. That should say something to how delusional she is....

We all have regrets and make mistakes but this was her decision to end the marriage not yours. You are only doing what is necessary it sux.

 

[BetrayedDad]

Maybe the best thing to do is to convince her to move out while she 'thinks'. That way you put yourself in a much better position for custody when things can nasty.
And they will turn nasty, they always do.

Custody has not once been an issue. We both agree to 50/50. She knows the kids adore both of us. I told her to stay for now for the kids but she knows she will have to leave after the divorce if things don't pan out. (And it's looking very grim that it will)

She has mentioned a few times leaving to try to call me out bluffing. I always say, "I don't want you to leave but you should do what you think is best. I won't stop you." That usually shuts her up quick. It's her way of trying to assert control over me. Or like when she says she "needs time". I say, "Take all the time you want while the court processes the D papers."

 

[tom67]

A good way to show her she is not in control, go out a few nights a week get some new clothes, cologne and don't tell her where you're going. Even if you just go to the library instead of a bar. It shows a clear sign to her that you are moving on and she'll wonder if your doing some young hottie on the side.

 

[wilderness]

Custody has not once been an issue. We both agree to 50/50. She knows the kids adore both of us. I told her to stay for now for the kids but she knows she will have to leave after the divorce if things don't pan out. (And it's looking very grim that it will)

She has mentioned a few times leaving to try to call me out bluffing. I always say, "I don't want you to leave but you should do what you think is best. I won't stop you." That usually shuts her up quick. It's her way of trying to assert control over me. Or like when she says she "needs time". I say, "Take all the time you want while the court processes the D papers."

Hey, man...I truly hope in the event of a divorce you get 50/50 custody of your kids. I've been basically estranged from my little one for the past year and it's been one of the most painful things I've ever experienced. But you have to be realistic, here.
A really high percentage of women start off agreeing to 50/50, but a really low percentage actually stick with that agreement when push comes to shove. I know, I'm one of those guys whose wife started off agreeing to 50/50 then ended up in the fight of my life to see my daughter at all. What tends to happen is that once their divorced friends, coworkers, and lawyers start working on them, they change their minds. There is a certain loss of status that women feel when they don't get full custody. Then when the husband doesn't cave in, they are told by too many other people in their lives that he is just being a jerk trying to punish them.

Now, I do hope that your wife is the exception to the rule, I really do. But I wouldn't count on it if I were you. If you are 100% sold on divorce, you really need to get her to move out of the house. Your chances of having this go the way you want it will improve dramatically. If she stays in the house, the reverse is true. There is a very realistic chance that at some point she does a 180 and goes for child support, full custody, use of the marital home, lawyers bills, alimony, and a restraining order against you. You've got a lot to lose...think each step through carefully.