Betrayed Dad,

You have been in one of the world's cruelest amusement parks. Your wife/significant other drags from attraction to attraction and forces you to ride. She wants to. Why don't you? Can't you get into her screams of excitement? When you feel nauseous she gets you another hotdog with your favorite mustard.

Now at last when you have barfed your soul up so many times, you want to leave the confusion because you know that in the morning light the place looks tired and depressing.

The best thing for both of you is what is best for you. But yourself first in this relationship. Be the leader. She may eventually love you for real, but it will take a long time and it may not happen ever.

Make her get an apartment and move out. Make her take responsibility. If you want to have sex with her, have it. When she is nice and contributes to everyone's happiness let her stay the night. When she hassles you and doesn't give her all, tell her to go and spend the night in her lonely apartment.

 

I'd take the group picture with the kids - for the kids sake. Gives them the last possible picture of them at their oldest with their original "core" nuclear family. Don't do it for her. Do it for them.

 

You're not doomed. You can educate yourself on living with it (start putting up boundaries for acceptable behavior and consequences if she crosses them) or make plans to move on without her.

 

Tunera, thanks for the encouragement. I didn't mean that I felt doomed, but rather that my marriage feels doomed.

There's a consant push and pull of wanting to be set free from being blamed for everything in our relationship, to salvaging the marriage because of all the past good times and potential of what our marriage "could" be.

To be honest, I wish this was all just a nightmare, that I would wake up one day and all this CSA crap wasn't killing our marriage. I'm sure my W feels the same, and I empathise that she has had to live with this since childhood. I only wish she had the self awareness to work on it, but she is too fearful of re-living it all.

BD, I hope your Ex-W is still working on her healing.

Best,...

 

You seriously need to get out and start dating other women.

An evening with a woman who WANTS to be in your company, as opposed to say a woman who hangs around because you provide her room and board, will be a refreshing breath of cool air after the parched desert you have walked through.

I think when you start dating again, your self esteem will get a boost and you will regain some of the sense of manhood your xWW destroyed.

And quit feeling sorry for her over her heartbreak about losing the OM. I mean really BD.... there is sympathy and then there is milquetoast and you definitely lean towards the latter. It breaks you down inside when you do that and it pisses the rest of us off.

 

You seriously need to get out and start dating other women.

An evening with a woman who WANTS to be in your company, as opposed to say a woman who hangs around because you provide her room and board, will be a refreshing breath of cool air after the parched desert you have walked through.

Yeah, I 100% agree. No argument here. That's why I'm trying to gently get her out of the house...

Watching her grieve the loss of her POSOM, while pretending to still be interested in me, is a special kind of hell.

 

Well... got my Ex to confess to another EA tonight. Apparently, she claims she was emailing (using her work email), facebooking and texting the same ex-boyfriend I caught her having an EA with in 2007. This happened in 2011 and I guess it went on for 6 months on and off. She claims he reached out to her when he broke up with his girlfriend and HE stopped it when he found another girlfriend. I asked her if she met up with him. She said SHE tried to set up a meeting but he made up excuses why he couldn't. I don't even know if I believe that they never met in person. I have no way of proving it now because of how long ago it was.

I know it doesn't matter now since we're divorced but what is surprising me is how it is not bothering me as I thought it would. At this point, I'm really just not surprised anymore... How could we have ever made this marriage work when she never gave it a chance? She never took our martial commitment seriously at all. This is just another slap in the face.

 

Dude:slap::slap:

Start dating NOW! I'm done.

 

The slap in the face, that is a wake up call not an insult. She is the one who insulted your marriage. The shame is hers. I hope you are doing well.

 

Your whole marriage was a slap in the face. Don't be down on yourself. We all married lemons.

The day she moves out she will be hooking up with other guys. She cannot exist in a validation vacuum. The only reason she is being sweet and kind is because you are the only thing between her and a cardboard box under a bridge.
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It is depressing... I mean how could I be so wrong about someone? Why marry me if you're still going to shop around behind my back? Why continue to use me like this? I started this thread pissed as hell. Now I'm just sad and depressed all the time. Only thing she has really done is rug sweep, ignore the elephant in the room and get annoyed with my questions. Her new thing is claiming I'm just looking for reasons not to want to reconcile. I really don't think I do. It seems to just get worse and worse. She just doesn't want to face her demons.

 

Sorry about who you thought your wife was, now that you keep finding out more about her, it gets worse and worse.

How is she with the children? She is so selfish regarding her relationship with you. Is she getting any counseling to fix herself before her next relationship?

You can not heal with her around. It is good that you are divorced.

You need to see a counselor about your depression, and you need to start doing things for yourself. Get out of the house some evenings and away from your ex. Let her pine for the OM, but you need to go NC with her as much as possible.

For you and your kids, you should start dating with someone else.

 

She's almost a serial cheater.

Sorry for you, and her, too. Really, she's ruined her life. Nothing to celebrate. The discussions you had with her about her having entered into a relationship with OM but failing to inform you that your relationship had ended – surreal.

Tell your ex that she needs to live for period of time without men. She needs to clear her head for the sake of your children.

Thank her for telling you about the ONS. Tell her that coming clean will help you both in the long run.

 

She's almost a serial cheater.

This is part of the illness

 

She is totally broken.

Get her out before the holidays. This in not good for you at all.

You need to detach, she is poison for you. For you to someday to even start to heal, you must get her totally out of your life and out of your house.

Sorry for you that she is not the woman you thought she was, but if you find out more, it will only get worse and worse.

 

So what do you think you need to do BD?

 

She will be moving out. I'm as certain of that as I was in divorcing her. I can't save this relationship anymore. She's too f***ed up in the head. She's still begging me to work it out but there's no way. How can I stand for this? Our marriage was a complete fallacy. On what planet would a MARRIED woman think it was OK to have full blown "relationships" (her words) with other men behind her husband's back? The original affair was bad enough but sleeping with MULTIPLE people? This is just too much. I feel like my head is going to explode. Never in a million years did I expect this....

I can't believe how SELFISH she is. I feel disgusted, humiliated, embarrassed, ashamed, betrayed, used, angry, and I feel sad for my children. She just threw me and the kids away because we were an inconvenience to her. I was married to a slvt with no conscious. Just tell her you care about her and she drops her panties. It's literally that easy. I can't believe how stupid she is. Both guys used her, then dumped her. THAT'S what she ruined our family for...

 

I hope she gets help so she is at least a stable mother for her children.
Did any of these affairs coincide around the time of conception of any of your kids?
Just food for thought she is really a serial cheater that needs therapy bad.
You are doing great considering.

 

I hope she gets help so she is at least a stable mother for her children.

Me too... She says she's going to but I'll believe it when I see it. She has IC tomorrow night.

Did any of these affairs coincide around the time of conception of any of your kids?
Just food for thought she is really a serial cheater that needs therapy bad.

The first PA was a few years after my youngest was born. And if there was another one before that then I really don't want to know otherwise at this point.

You are doing great considering.

I'm really a mess but at this point it's just beating a dead horse. Finding out about the first EA six years ago, broke my heart. Finding out about this PA three months ago, ripped it out of my chest. Now with news of this second PA I feel like I have nothing left to give. I'm already emotionally drained and empty inside.....

 

Get tested again for stds and DNA testing on the kids.

Sorry that she had no morals. Get her out of your life.

 

Betrayed you will always be their dad biologically or not.

You do the test so you know as far as any future health considerations for them such as needing blood ect.

 

If your insurance covers it, get some ic if you can.

Just realize this is NOT your fault

The only one who can fix her is her

This was not about you and you will bounce back.

 

Search for bff. Read his thread. He is doing better than ever.

 

I feel disgusted, humiliated, embarrassed, ashamed, betrayed, used, angry, and I feel sad for my children.

BD

You just described how she should be feeling.

Clean up this mess she made. detach. Heal.

You will begin to feel better in time.

And yes. Read BFF's thread. Great idea.

HM

 

Not sure if threads like bff are 100% are applicable. Such threads show infidelity handled beautifully, but the key difference between those threads and threads like this one is there are children involved. That makes no-contact next to impossible, and makes resolutions much less clear-cut. There is no one-size-fits-all course of action.

 

BD-

So sorry it has turned out this way. I wish you future happiness when she is out of there, and when you are ready for someone that actually loves and cares about you.

I could not handle it. I would have to have NC and be out every evening until she is out of there.

The 180 would be my best friend.

 

Please check out PTSD counseling. Many of the posters through here have had great results. Good luck.

 

Venting on TAM is my therapy.....

I just found out 3 days ago my ex got promoted from cheater to serial cheater and they weren't just flings...

She's been shopping around for a new man for quite sometime now. That's not supposed to bother me?

I already know what I have to do with regard to her. This is one of those open and shut cases. Not much gray area here.

 

Put her crap in storage and change the locks.

 

Best part I said, "Would you consider yourself a serial cheater?" and she says, "No, because I only cheated on you."

Awesome.

 

She is an awesome cheater.

 

Its time to wake up. This is no longer just a bad dream its your reality. If you don't separate yourself from this woman its going to do a lot more damage that even you realize was possible. You have to protect yourself. I get that its easier to say than to do but only you can save you now.

Either boot her out or you leave. Do NC with her except for the kids stuff. If she even says anything other than that hang up. No in person talks at all. Its time to clear her out of your life.

Clay

 

Cleanly cut ties...you mean like having her out of YOUR house?

 

I know she didn't want to purposely hurt me but being selfish was more important to her than me.

BD

When you are less emotional you will come to see that at the level of selfishness she displayed that you, your marriage nor your family even entered into the equation.

Some people are so selfish they can only think of themselves still certain times, while making certain decision, while engaging in infidelity.

That is why they never think they will get caught......

HM

 

When you are less notional you will come to see that at the level of selfishness she displayed that you, your marriage nor your family even entered into the equation.

I'm starting to see this. She was weak and the temptation was too great. Opportunity presented itself. She wanted to do it so she did it. Regardless of the reprecussions which was the only thing that would stop her. So she lied. She put the guilt of our family right out of her head by rationalizing that I would never find out. Therefore no harm would come to us and she could satisfy her selfish desires with impunity. Reprecussions are now gone therefore there's nothing to stop her from continuing to do it. The more she did it, the easier it became and the more brazen she was about it. It almost became "normal" for her.

You just have to mentally be in a very dark evil place to behave like a cheater. I hope I'm never in a place like that in my lifetime.