[*Deidre*]

It sounds like it might be you overthinking but you can always check your cell phone bill. That’s easy to do and if there are numbers you don’t recognize that keep coming up during her commute, then you’ll know and if there’s nothing, you’ll have peace of mind. I hope it’s nothing.

 

[Tdbo]

I agree about trusting your gut and mine is telling me I’m probably a bit out of whack with a recorder. My wife and I are also very open with our phones. My wife has no problem if I grab her phone instead of mine to look something up. The problem is my wife has always (literally from day one with our cell phones) always deleted almost all texts and calls from her phone. We’ve had a number of conversations about why she does this and she has a perfectly reasonable (but long) explanation for why. Unfortunately it makes it difficult in situations like this to see with any accuracy who exactly she has called or received calls from. Our phones are in her name (we get a discount that way) and I can’t ever remember our account password. So instead of making up a story on why I wanted the password I thought a VAR made more sense. Obviously using a recorder opens up other issues and then the question is is it worth the risk? My gut tells me probably not so that’s probably what I’ll go with unless I have reason to change direction. Thank you for your advice.

I didn't think that anything was sus before.
Now, this is making me wonder.
Short of coming up with a valid reason to get the password (which I would want independent of this situation anyway and you really should have,) I'd probably go VAR for a short term as well.
When you are installing the VAR, have a good look around the car as well.
Also, be sure to get a cheap ear bud from the dollar store, cut it off, and put in the ear phone jack of the VAR so it does not make any unwanted noise.

 

[bobert]

That was part of why I came here to post. I was kind of hoping people would tell me I’m overreacting and it would straighten me out. It’s not the not talking to me on her drive that’s the problem. I don’t even care if it’s a male coworker necessarily. There are a couple of her male coworkers that I don’t care for but if she’s talking about school (she’s a teacher) with them it wouldn’t really bother me too much. It’s more just if she is talking to someone I’d rather her be upfront about it. She’s never really been into audio books until now but it just seemed kind of out of character for her to that and that’s what got me thinking in the first place. I guess if it’s anything it’s probably got more to do with my not liking/trusting a couple of her coworkers that started me thinking about the whole situation. I could check the call logs but our phones are under her name (teachers get a discount) and I can’t ever remember the password we used for the phone account so I’d have to ask her and try to come up with a cover story about why I wanted it. As crazy as it sounds that didn’t seem sensible but a VAR did lol. Thank you for your advice.

If you're an overthinker, it can be hard to trust your gut feeling. There are some red flags here though with the additional details you posted.

So a co-worker of your wife "ran his mouth" about sexual things he wanted to do to her? I don't care how drunk someone is, that doesn't come out of nowhere. That had to have been building for a while, and if she wasn't a participant in it (which I find unlikely), she at least allowed it to happen which isn't okay. If he acted like that and she wasn't into it, that would be an easy sexual harassment case. The fact that she dismissed it, even while drunk, shows she's used to this behaviour from him. If she's treating it like "just joking" or no big deal, that's a serious boundary problem (and where the Shirley Glass "Not Just Friends" book would be relevant).

It's also a red flag that your wife let that slide, keeps talking about this guy, hides who she is talking about, is protecting HIM (rather than your feelings and your marriage), and continues to shield him despite you telling her to stop.

Why doesn't she want to drop this "friend"? Something has her attached to him, and I doubt it's the fact that he's a co-worker.

The suggestion to listen to the same audiobooks and discuss them, or ask her about them, is a good idea. It will give you two something to bond over, but will also show you if she's listening to them or not. If she's using Audible, you can also see what she's listening to and how far in she is. If that doesn't change, or there are no new books - red flag.

I would still suggest getting access to her phone bill and check that. You have a few options - you could make up a reason why you need to see it, for example you are price matching, you want to see your data usage, you are looking to upgrade, etc. I wouldn't say anything about wanting to see your call log because that could tip her off that it's accessible. You could just ask her for the password, and if she asks why, have one of those reasons ready. If she gets defensive, that's a big red flag. Or you could be honest and tell her the truth, but if she's not doing anything wrong that could cause issues for you two, and if she IS doing something wrong, that will give a heads up to come up with a story, stop talking to him, etc. Does she save passwords on her phone or any other devices? You may be able to access it or see the password that way.

If you look at her phone bill and there are daily calls from him, that's a red flag. There is no reason co-workers need to talk that much, especially when they didn't need to before. In that case, then I'd say it's fair to use a VAR. I wouldn't ask her about it because if she is doing something wrong, it's highly unlikely she'd fess up to that.

I'd make sure nothing is going on first, then discuss this co-worker (probably after you read the book and can see the red flags more easily) because her behaviour with him is not acceptable.

 

[TymeGhost]

There is a little more to the story but not a whole lot. At a fundraiser/dinner for my wife’s work a while back one of my wife’s male coworkers ran his mouth to me about what he thought he was going to do with my wife that night. My wife dismissed the whole thing as him being drunk and normally he’s a nice guy and he’s never said anything that made her uncomfortable before that night blah blah blah. I still don’t like/don’t trust this guy. There’s been a few times since then where my wife will be telling me a story about work and it will be with a nameless coworker. When I ask a few questions I’ll find out that she’s talking about this guy and she knows I don’t like him so she’ll try to leave his name out of it because she knows I get mad when I hear his name. As stupid as it seems that’s what I wonder if this is. If they are talking work I really don’t care. I might not be thrilled but it wouldn’t bother me too much. But having zero trust in this guy and his lack of respect for me is what really bothers me. My wife seems to want to protect him from me getting mad at him by not being open about their interactions at work. I’ve tried to be clear with wife that her trying to shield him is actually causing more issues but she continues to do it. I do trust my wife I just don’t need some clown trying to interfere with my marriage. Other than that I feel like my wife and I have a very strong relationship and can have a conversation about anything. My gut tells me I’m making more out of it than I should. I just think a lot of it has to do with knowing who she potentially might be talking to and letting that get to me more than it should. Thanks for the help and advice.

This detail changes things for me. If it were me, I’d have addressed part of it on the spot at that fundraiser, and my wife would’ve taken the rest to HR right away. Depending on how long ago it was, HR may or may not still get involved—but it’s worth keeping in mind going forward.

As for the commute calls, if that’s really the only concern and nothing else feels off, I’d use the next time your wife brings up “No Name” as an opening to talk—or just rip the band-aid off and get it out in the open. Something like: “Listen, I really don’t like or trust him, and I should’ve called him out at that fundraiser. I’d appreciate it if you keep your interaction with him to the bare minimum and only what’s necessary for work. If you’d prefer, I’m more than willing to have a direct conversation with him myself.”

If it were Mrs. G, she’d respect that boundary, and I’d expect the same.

 

[manwithnoname]

The whole texting about work stuff being ok annoys me, I can’t think of many occupations where it can’t wait for in person or a meeting, and teaching is definitely not one of them. OP needs to answer some questions that make a difference. Ages of all involved, is the coworker attractive, married or in LTR etc. If the wife finds him attractive he could get away with comments like what we’re all imagining was said. I’m certain at this point she wasn’t surprised he felt that way in order to say what he said.

 

[Cynthia]

Is your wife a people pleaser?

 

[DudeInProgress]

It’s like the perfect storm against me checking her calls. From day one with our first cell phones she has been a habitual call/text deleter. We’ve had many conversations about this and she has a perfectly acceptable reason ( long though) on why she does this. Our phones are in her name because we get a discount based on her job and I can’t remember the password. Instead of coming up with a story about why I needed the password it seemed more reasonable to use a recorder. Backwards kind of logic but that’s what I turned this into. We are both fairly open with our phones but as I said it’s hard to track her calls with any accuracy. Thank you for your help.

You don’t need to come up with a story about why you need the password.
You just need to create a consolidated account / password list for all your accounts with acct#s and PWs (phone, utilities, email, relevant websites, online services, shopping, banking/financial, etc). This is something you should already have in the first place, in case one of you needs access to something and the other isn’t available, and one of those items is the phone account.

So go create a master list for all those items that have passwords, complete the ones you know,and have her fill in the ones you don’t.

 

[Cynthia]

You don’t need to come up with a story about why you need the password.
You just need to create a consolidated account / password list for all your accounts with acct#s and PWs (phone, utilities, email, relevant websites, online services, shopping, banking/financial, etc). This is something you should already have in the first place, in case one of you needs access to something and the other isn’t available, and one of those items is the phone account.

So go create a master list for all those items that have passwords, complete the ones you know,and have her fill in the ones you don’t.

Yes. ^^^^ This.

 

[gameopoly5]

There is a little more to the story but not a whole lot. At a fundraiser/dinner for my wife’s work a while back one of my wife’s male coworkers ran his mouth to me about what he thought he was going to do with my wife that night. My wife dismissed the whole thing as him being drunk and normally he’s a nice guy and he’s never said anything that made her uncomfortable before that night blah blah blah. I still don’t like/don’t trust this guy. There’s been a few times since then where my wife will be telling me a story about work and it will be with a nameless coworker. When I ask a few questions I’ll find out that she’s talking about this guy and she knows I don’t like him so she’ll try to leave his name out of it because she knows I get mad when I hear his name. As stupid as it seems that’s what I wonder if this is. If they are talking work I really don’t care. I might not be thrilled but it wouldn’t bother me too much. But having zero trust in this guy and his lack of respect for me is what really bothers me. My wife seems to want to protect him from me getting mad at him by not being open about their interactions at work. I’ve tried to be clear with wife that her trying to shield him is actually causing more issues but she continues to do it. I do trust my wife I just don’t need some clown trying to interfere with my marriage. Other than that I feel like my wife and I have a very strong relationship and can have a conversation about anything. My gut tells me I’m making more out of it than I should. I just think a lot of it has to do with knowing who she potentially might be talking to and letting that get to me more than it should. Thanks for the help and advice.

At a fundraiser/dinner for my wife’s work a while back one of my wife’s male coworkers ran his mouth to me about what he thought he was going to do with my wife that night. My wife dismissed the whole thing as him being drunk and normally he’s a nice guy and he’s never said anything that made her uncomfortable before that night blah blah blah. My wife seems to want to protect him from me getting mad at him.

Wow, it`s not only this guy you can`t trust you also cannot trust your wife. Now you have your answer.
If any guy said this to me about what he wants to do with my wife, some minutes later he`d be minus some of his teeth.

You need to grow a pair and nip this in the bud. If deciding to do nothing and if you continue trying to convince yourself there is nothing between this guy and your wife I can only wish you good luck.
There is nothing else to say in this thread, now it`s up to you.

 

[CounterPoint]

So go create a master list for all those items that have passwords, complete the ones you know,and have her fill in the ones you don’t.

Yes, in case there is an untimely demise it can get messy.

 

[Beach123]

It’s like the perfect storm against me checking her calls. From day one with our first cell phones she has been a habitual call/text deleter. We’ve had many conversations about this and she has a perfectly acceptable reason ( long though) on why she does this. Our phones are in her name because we get a discount based on her job and I can’t remember the password. Instead of coming up with a story about why I needed the password it seemed more reasonable to use a recorder. Backwards kind of logic but that’s what I turned this into. We are both fairly open with our phones but as I said it’s hard to track her calls with any accuracy. Thank you for your help.

I think you have excuses for not looking at your evidence.
Deleted calls and texts still show on a phone bill.
The number she corresponded with - time - and frequency. It’s all there.
likely her phone bill password is in a file with other household passwords.
It’s there - you seem to want to ignore ways to prove or disprove your suspicions.

 

[TymeGhost]

I think you have excuses for not looking at your evidence.
Deleted calls and texts still show on a phone bill.
The number she corresponded with - time - and frequency. It’s all there.
likely her phone bill password is in a file with other household passwords.
It’s there - you seem to want to ignore ways to prove or disprove your suspicions.

The only issue is that there are so many apps now that allow direct communication without showing up on phone bills. Apps like Dialpad, WhatsApp, Google Voice, and FaceTime don’t get logged by the phone provider — it’s just data usage. So even if calls or texts are deleted, a lot of communication may not show up at all

 

[Gabriel]

At a fundraiser/dinner for my wife’s work a while back one of my wife’s male coworkers ran his mouth to me about what he thought he was going to do with my wife that night. My wife dismissed the whole thing as him being drunk and normally he’s a nice guy and he’s never said anything that made her uncomfortable before that night blah blah blah. My wife seems to want to protect him from me getting mad at him.

Wow, it`s not only this guy you can`t trust you also cannot trust your wife. Now you have your answer.
If any guy said this to me about what he wants to do with my wife, some minutes later he`d be minus some of his teeth.

You need to grow a pair and nip this in the bud. If deciding to do nothing and if you continue trying to convince yourself there is nothing between this guy and your wife I can only wish you good luck.
There is nothing else to say in this thread, now it`s up to you.

Yeah, this changes things. OP, you need to talk to your wife very directly about this person. My guess is she likes the attention and thinks it's harmless. But it's hurtful to you. Besides it's VERY inappropriate, like, seriously so. Who in the HELL would say that right to a husband?? In my eyes, it's someone that either already has done stuff to the wife and is throwing it in your face, or, it's someone that is so uncontrollable with alcohol that he just revealed what he WANTS to do. Neither of those are good.

Since they are coworkers, her home email and maybe even phone probably won't have anything. If there is flirting going on it's probably done at work, where you can't see it.

 

[TymeGhost]

if my wife's coworker came up to me and told me what he was going to do with my wife, he'd likely need a trip to the dentist.

Or, the hospital.

 

[confusedFather]

Why not look at her phone activity during her drive time? You probably don't even need her phone; most service providers can show the call log on line. If there are calls during the drive that are not to you, then you increase the surveillance because she has lied about the audio books. If there are no calls then you have no reason to suspect her of anything.

 

[re16]

With the additional information about the co-worker, deletion of texts / call logs, and her avoiding mentioning this guys name, I think you have some legitimate red flags.

This co-worker being drunk and talking about what he is going to do with your wife at the event seems like a big deal... can you be more specific about what he said?

I can't imagine someone saying stuff like that unless there was something behind it, like something already going on.

I don't care what excuse there is, deleting messages and call logs is cheater behavior.

There are enough red flags here that I now understand your concerns and I think you should thoroughly investigate this.

Whatever you do, do not accuse her of anything without bullet proof evidence. Eyes open, mouth shut.

 

[jlg07]

For some stupid reason I didn’t want to try to think up a reason to ask her for the password so I thought a recorder made more sense.

If your phone is old enough, ask her for the PW to see if there are any deals on a new phone. That might be one way to do it.

 

[Rubix Cubed]

If you're an overthinker, it can be hard to trust your gut feeling. There are some red flags here though with the additional details you posted.

So a co-worker of your wife "ran his mouth" about sexual things he wanted to do to her? I don't care how drunk someone is, that doesn't come out of nowhere. That had to have been building for a while, and if she wasn't a participant in it (which I find unlikely), she at least allowed it to happen which isn't okay. If he acted like that and she wasn't into it, that would be an easy sexual harassment case. The fact that she dismissed it, even while drunk, shows she's used to this behaviour from him. If she's treating it like "just joking" or no big deal, that's a serious boundary problem (and where the Shirley Glass "Not Just Friends" book would be relevant).

It's also a red flag that your wife let that slide, keeps talking about this guy, hides who she is talking about, is protecting HIM (rather than your feelings and your marriage), and continues to shield him despite you telling her to stop.

Why doesn't she want to drop this "friend"? Something has her attached to him, and I doubt it's the fact that he's a co-worker.

The suggestion to listen to the same audiobooks and discuss them, or ask her about them, is a good idea. It will give you two something to bond over, but will also show you if she's listening to them or not. If she's using Audible, you can also see what she's listening to and how far in she is. If that doesn't change, or there are no new books - red flag.

I would still suggest getting access to her phone bill and check that. You have a few options - you could make up a reason why you need to see it, for example you are price matching, you want to see your data usage, you are looking to upgrade, etc. I wouldn't say anything about wanting to see your call log because that could tip her off that it's accessible. You could just ask her for the password, and if she asks why, have one of those reasons ready. If she gets defensive, that's a big red flag. Or you could be honest and tell her the truth, but if she's not doing anything wrong that could cause issues for you two, and if she IS doing something wrong, that will give a heads up to come up with a story, stop talking to him, etc. Does she save passwords on her phone or any other devices? You may be able to access it or see the password that way.

If you look at her phone bill and there are daily calls from him, that's a red flag. There is no reason co-workers need to talk that much, especially when they didn't need to before. In that case, then I'd say it's fair to use a VAR. I wouldn't ask her about it because if she is doing something wrong, it's highly unlikely she'd fess up to that.

I'd make sure nothing is going on first, then discuss this co-worker (probably after you read the book and can see the red flags more easily) because her behaviour with him is not acceptable.

This is a great post^^^.
I was getting ready to type all of those points and Bobert saved me the typing.

I would add that if you have access to the email that the phone bill/account is linked to you could do a password reset/change from that email account. If it texts her (which is likely) use Bobert's reasons from his post. All logical and reasonable. Then remember that password for future possible use. If you DO end up having to go full investigation mode, look in my sig line for a link to the Evidence post. Talking with her would be good but it's always best to know the answers before you ask the questions; otherwise, it gives a guilty person a heads up and lets them know to be more careful.

E.T.A. Teacher dude must either be dumb as a bag of hammers or have a death wish to tell her HUSBAND what he plans to do to her.