[frusdil]

Hopefully this is a quick question with a straight forward answer. First a quick history. My wife and I have been married over 18 years now and together for over 20. We have what I feel is a very good relationship. I trust my wife but I am also not a fool and don’t throw that trust around blindly.

My wife has about a twenty minute drive to work and she used to call me fairly frequently on her drive to work. I changed jobs a few months ago and it is much harder for her to call me now. My wife is always talking on the phone while she is driving anywhere (I have teased her that she thinks she needs to be on the phone for her car to run) but she has told me that she has started to listen to audio books as well. If I ask her if she found someone else to talk to in the morning to replace me she laughs and says no just my books I listen to. There are a couple of male coworkers of hers that it wouldn’t really surprise me if she was talking to them but if that’s the case why hide it? I know she texts with these guys and there are some phone calls (fairly uncommon) but it’s always been work related and never given me reason to worry. It seems kind of silly to me but it really bothers me wondering if she really is listening to audio books or talking to someone else. So my question boils down to is it really worth a VAR to try and find out for sure? I am positive there’s nothing physical going on with my wife and someone else but my wife isn’t the emotional talk about your feelings type either and so I feel like it might be more difficult to tell if there’s a start of an emotional connection happening. Thanks in advance for any feedback.

@Olsmokey I've read your post several times, are you 100% sure you've not left anything out? If the above is exactly how things are, I would caution you against doing anything at all. There is honestly NOTHING in your post to indicate that anything is wrong.

Has your wife given you a reason not to trust her in the past?

Have you been cheated on in a prior relationship? If so, you can't make your wife pay for the sins of the one who came before her, that's just not fair.

Again I ask you, are you being completely transparent here? Only you will know the answer to that. I wish you well.

 

[Olsmokey]

From what you have said, I seriously doubt that anything is going on.
However I have always learned to "Trust your Gut." It rarely is wrong.
I'd casually find an excuse to use (or "accidentally" grab) her phone. Take a look through it.
I have been married 31 years and we have an open phone policy.
My wife uses mine, or I use hers.
If she has nothing to hide, she shouldn't care.
If you get a hostile reaction or find something sus, then go all VAR, GPS, etc.

I agree about trusting your gut and mine is telling me I’m probably a bit out of whack with a recorder. My wife and I are also very open with our phones. My wife has no problem if I grab her phone instead of mine to look something up. The problem is my wife has always (literally from day one with our cell phones) always deleted almost all texts and calls from her phone. We’ve had a number of conversations about why she does this and she has a perfectly reasonable (but long) explanation for why. Unfortunately it makes it difficult in situations like this to see with any accuracy who exactly she has called or received calls from. Our phones are in her name (we get a discount that way) and I can’t ever remember our account password. So instead of making up a story on why I wanted the password I thought a VAR made more sense. Obviously using a recorder opens up other issues and then the question is is it worth the risk? My gut tells me probably not so that’s probably what I’ll go with unless I have reason to change direction. Thank you for your advice.

 

[Olsmokey]

It's a simple thing to check the phone bill.

How about, on your drive into work, you listen to the same audio book she's listening to, then you two discuss it? That would be fun and ease your concerns.

That’s a great idea. Thank you for giving me a new and hopefully positive way to solve this issue. I appreciate your help.

 

[Olsmokey]

Check the phone bill. If that’s not possible then put a voice activated recorder under her seat and find out if she is listening to audio books.
Obviously you asked - so you must be left wondering.
So find out for sure.

The biggest drawback with a recorder is it opens doors I’m not sure I want to open. If I use a VAR here and find nothing will it be easier to cross that line down the road? And if my wife happens to find it (unlikely but possible) then I have some serious explaining to do. Our phones are in her name and I can’t ever remember the password so it would be hard to check call logs. I’d have to come up with a story about why I needed the password . Thank you for your help.

 

[Cynthia]

I have complicated passwords. I keep them all in a file on my computer.

Don't make up any stories to get the password. If you start lying to your wife, that makes you untrustworthy.

You could come clean to your wife and tell her you're feeling a little insecure and would appreciate her help. Tell her you want to review the phone logs online to reassure yourself and stop obsessing about this. Also let her know you're uncomfortable with the coworker and you want her to watch out for him.

Get the book Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. Opposite sex friends are not usually a healthy idea for married people. This book explains why.

 

[Olsmokey]

For your piece of mind, just check the call logs on her phone and the phone bill call log. Anything beyond that (like a VAR) seems a bit excessive at this point based on what you wrote. If there’s nothing concerning or suspicious there, I wouldn’t worry about it unless something else suspicious comes up.
And if you don’t have access to the phone bill and her phone (assuming it’s not a work phone) that’s a separate problem.

It’s like the perfect storm against me checking her calls. From day one with our first cell phones she has been a habitual call/text deleter. We’ve had many conversations about this and she has a perfectly acceptable reason ( long though) on why she does this. Our phones are in her name because we get a discount based on her job and I can’t remember the password. Instead of coming up with a story about why I needed the password it seemed more reasonable to use a recorder. Backwards kind of logic but that’s what I turned this into. We are both fairly open with our phones but as I said it’s hard to track her calls with any accuracy. Thank you for your help.

 

[Olsmokey]

If you trust your wife, go with your gut feelings.

I wouldn't take to heart a lot of this advice from the site. People tend to jump to the worst conclusion and make you start worrying, and then start to question your wife's loyalty.

I've read everything from detective, friends to follow her, or you do it. Track her car, put a listening device in the car. Go through her phone, really? Don't let your imagination get the best of you, or let people on here start thinking the worst.

I'm a cheater, and not in a small way. But I never protect my phone from her; we both have the same passcodes, so nothing to hide. I would never look at her phone, and you shouldn't either. When her phone rings, I bring it to her. I never answer it. She always tells me to answer it, but I don't.

Once again, go with your gut on this.

I think you hit on one of the keys here. The more I think about it the more my imagination comes up with and the worse the outcome becomes. Overall I’d say my wife and I have a pretty solid relationship but it’s just this one situation that my mind gets hung up on. My gut is saying I’m probably making way more out of this than need be. Thanks for your advice.

 

[Tobyboy]

So what did this coworker say about your wife that you did not like?

 

[Olsmokey]

I think this whole thing stems from your belief that your wife can't drive without talking to someone, so you believe she must be talking to someone.

A lot of people listen to audio books. It's more probable that your wife is listening to audio books than it is she's talking to someone else. If you put a VAR in your vehicle, it's way over kill and can damage your marriage, if your wife finds out. It's also illegal in many, probably most states.

Coming on here is probably making it much worse, because people are encouraging you to distrust your wife.

Why haven't you simply checked the phone bill?

You are correct in feeling like if my wife is alone in a car she is talking to someone on her phone. I joke about it with her all the time. That’s exactly what gets me thinking the audiobook thing doesn’t add up. I would also say my wife rarely lies and I really have no reason to think she is now other than how she has acted when driving in the past. A VAR is probably extreme but that’s what I was hoping for by posting here. People telling me how foolish my thinking is and pointing out the negatives of continuing down the path I was on. Thank you for sharing your advice.

 

[Olsmokey]

@Olsmokey I've read your post several times, are you 100% sure you've not left anything out? If the above is exactly how things are, I would caution you against doing anything at all. There is honestly NOTHING in your post to indicate that anything is wrong.

Has your wife given you a reason not to trust her in the past?

Have you been cheated on in a prior relationship? If so, you can't make your wife pay for the sins of the one who came before her, that's just not fair.

Again I ask you, are you being completely transparent here? Only you will know the answer to that. I wish you well.

There is a little more to the story but not a whole lot. At a fundraiser/dinner for my wife’s work a while back one of my wife’s male coworkers ran his mouth to me about what he thought he was going to do with my wife that night. My wife dismissed the whole thing as him being drunk and normally he’s a nice guy and he’s never said anything that made her uncomfortable before that night blah blah blah. I still don’t like/don’t trust this guy. There’s been a few times since then where my wife will be telling me a story about work and it will be with a nameless coworker. When I ask a few questions I’ll find out that she’s talking about this guy and she knows I don’t like him so she’ll try to leave his name out of it because she knows I get mad when I hear his name. As stupid as it seems that’s what I wonder if this is. If they are talking work I really don’t care. I might not be thrilled but it wouldn’t bother me too much. But having zero trust in this guy and his lack of respect for me is what really bothers me. My wife seems to want to protect him from me getting mad at him by not being open about their interactions at work. I’ve tried to be clear with wife that her trying to shield him is actually causing more issues but she continues to do it. I do trust my wife I just don’t need some clown trying to interfere with my marriage. Other than that I feel like my wife and I have a very strong relationship and can have a conversation about anything. My gut tells me I’m making more out of it than I should. I just think a lot of it has to do with knowing who she potentially might be talking to and letting that get to me more than it should. Thanks for the help and advice.

 

[gameopoly5]

You are correct in feeling like if my wife is alone in a car she is talking to someone on her phone. I joke about it with her all the time. That’s exactly what gets me thinking the audiobook thing doesn’t add up. I would also say my wife rarely lies and I really have no reason to think she is now other than how she has acted when driving in the past. A VAR is probably extreme but that’s what I was hoping for by posting here. People telling me how foolish my thinking is and pointing out the negatives of continuing down the path I was on. Thank you for sharing your advice.

It appears to me your mind is like a pendulum, swinging backwards and forwards.

As I mentioned in a previous post its easy to check her out without any drama.
But it` really up to you to decide your way forward and what advice you prefer to hear.

 

[Olsmokey]

I have complicated passwords. I keep them all in a file on my computer.

Don't make up any stories to get the password. If you start lying to your wife, that makes you untrustworthy.

You could come clean to your wife and tell her you're feeling a little insecure and would appreciate her help. Tell her you want to review the phone logs online to reassure yourself and stop obsessing about this. Also let her know you're uncomfortable with the coworker and you want her to watch out for him.

Get the book Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. Opposite sex friends are not usually a healthy idea for married people. This book explains why.

Yes the phone password thing is frustrating and it’s been an issue in the past when I’ve tried to make changes to our account. As things have gotten more digitalized we’ve modified our password process to make it easier for both of us to access and remember them. Unfortunately our phones were one of the first things we used passwords for so it’s one I just don’t remember and it’s completely different than anything we would use now. Probably should address that but it’s one of those things you don’t think about until you need it. That’s great advice about just being upfront with my wife about this whole thing. She is usually very open to talking about things and if something is bothering me she will try to do what she can to put me at ease. Sometimes it seems like the most logical thing to do gets lost in the spur of the moment. I will check out the book by Shirley Glass as well. Thank you for the helpful advice and ideas.

 

[FireForEffect]

There is a little more to the story but not a whole lot. At a fundraiser/dinner for my wife’s work a while back one of my wife’s male coworkers ran his mouth to me about what he thought he was going to do with my wife that night. My wife dismissed the whole thing as him being drunk and normally he’s a nice guy and he’s never said anything that made her uncomfortable before that night blah blah blah. I still don’t like/don’t trust this guy. There’s been a few times since then where my wife will be telling me a story about work and it will be with a nameless coworker. When I ask a few questions I’ll find out that she’s talking about this guy and she knows I don’t like him so she’ll try to leave his name out of it because she knows I get mad when I hear his name. As stupid as it seems that’s what I wonder if this is. If they are talking work I really don’t care. I might not be thrilled but it wouldn’t bother me too much. But having zero trust in this guy and his lack of respect for me is what really bothers me. My wife seems to want to protect him from me getting mad at him by not being open about their interactions at work. I’ve tried to be clear with wife that her trying to shield him is actually causing more issues but she continues to do it. I do trust my wife I just don’t need some clown trying to interfere with my marriage. Other than that I feel like my wife and I have a very strong relationship and can have a conversation about anything. My gut tells me I’m making more out of it than I should. I just think a lot of it has to do with knowing who she potentially might be talking to and letting that get to me more than it should. Thanks for the help and advice.

Ok well this adds a bit more context and for me, changes the advice I would follow. It sounds like this guy is an orbiter and likely is the main reason driving your issues. While by no means a smoking gun it is a red flag. Who tells a man what he wants to do with his wife? Drunk or not that's highly inappropriate! And your wife's defense of that is concerning. I might be a Neanderthal, but if my wife's coworker came up to me and told me what he was going to do with my wife, he'd likely need a trip to the dentist. And if she defended his actions, that would be a very big negative in my book.

 

[FireForEffect]

As I give your post a little more thought, it seems that there is a level of familiarity between your wife and the guy that transcends a coworker relationship. I mentioned this to my wife and her response was that if any man made sexual remarks about her to me, not only would she not defend him, but that would end any relationship they had, work or otherwise.

 

[manwithnoname]

There is a little more to the story but not a whole lot. At a fundraiser/dinner for my wife’s work a while back one of my wife’s male coworkers ran his mouth to me about what he thought he was going to do with my wife that night. My wife dismissed the whole thing as him being drunk and normally he’s a nice guy and he’s never said anything that made her uncomfortable before that night blah blah blah. I still don’t like/don’t trust this guy.

What exactly did he say? Was she surprised or disgusted at all with his remarks? Has he said similar things that she’s been comfortable with?

This incident is more concerning than the commute.

 

[Divinely Favored]

That was part of why I came here to post. I was kind of hoping people would tell me I’m overreacting and it would straighten me out. It’s not the not talking to me on her drive that’s the problem. I don’t even care if it’s a male coworker necessarily. There are a couple of her male coworkers that I don’t care for but if she’s talking about school (she’s a teacher) with them it wouldn’t really bother me too much. It’s more just if she is talking to someone I’d rather her be upfront about it. She’s never really been into audio books until now but it just seemed kind of out of character for her to that and that’s what got me thinking in the first place. I guess if it’s anything it’s probably got more to do with my not liking/trusting a couple of her coworkers that started me thinking about the whole situation. I could check the call logs but our phones are under her name (teachers get a discount) and I can’t ever remember the password we used for the phone account so I’d have to ask her and try to come up with a cover story about why I wanted it. As crazy as it sounds that didn’t seem sensible but a VAR did lol. Thank you for your advice.

Wasn't it Reagan that said "Trust but verify". Many men and women trust their spouses fully and it blows up in their face. If my wife had a concern, my phone is always there and she has my passcodes. I don't care if she looks. At same time, neither of us speak to co-workers off the clock. And even more so, NOT to a opposite sex co-worker.

But the possibility of audo book is viable. I listen to YouTube stories about guns and ammo/ caliber discussions while driving. Had a co worker that was a Parole Hearing Officer and he had CDs of the Bible he listened to on his drives to different counties for hearings.

 

[manwithnoname]

As I give your post a little more thought, it seems that there is a level of familiarity between your wife and the guy that transcends a coworker relationship. I mentioned this to my wife and her response was that if any man made sexual remarks about her to me, not only would she not defend him, but that would end any relationship they had, work or otherwise.

Exactly.

Her reaction will be telling. If there was no shock or outrage he likely says things like that to her occasionally. This is possibly a somethingburger.

 

[Divinely Favored]

As I give your post a little more thought, it seems that there is a level of familiarity between your wife and the guy that transcends a coworker relationship. I mentioned this to my wife and her response was that if any man made sexual remarks about her to me, not only would she not defend him, but that would end any relationship they had, work or otherwise.

Exactly 💯 this guy should have already been reported to the administration by her for his remarks. Hell I would have been raising hell with administration and would have got in his grill at the fund raiser. Seems like he is rubbing it in OPs face. Wonder where she came up with this deleting calls/texts BS and got OP to buy it.

 

[BigDaddyNY]

There really isn’t anything on my wife’s side that gives me reason to suspect anything other than possibly lying about talking on the phone. There is a male coworker of hers that I don’t like/don’t trust and it would bother me a little bit if she was talking to him but I think that’s just because I don’t like the guy. The VAR is probably extreme but on the surface it seemed like the quickest way to find things out. It, however, does open up an other set of issues and that’s how I ended up posting here. I was kind of hoping enough people would respond with sanity and reason to steer me towards a better decision than the way I was going. Our phones are under my wife’s name and I can’t ever remember the account password to be able to check call logs. So rather than trying to come up with a story for my wife about why I needed the password I thought maybe a VAR was a better option. Definitely sounds a little extreme just typing that. I also agree that @Teacherwifemom has some great advice. Thank you for your help.

There is a little more to the story but not a whole lot. At a fundraiser/dinner for my wife’s work a while back one of my wife’s male coworkers ran his mouth to me about what he thought he was going to do with my wife that night. My wife dismissed the whole thing as him being drunk and normally he’s a nice guy and he’s never said anything that made her uncomfortable before that night blah blah blah. I still don’t like/don’t trust this guy. There’s been a few times since then where my wife will be telling me a story about work and it will be with a nameless coworker. When I ask a few questions I’ll find out that she’s talking about this guy and she knows I don’t like him so she’ll try to leave his name out of it because she knows I get mad when I hear his name. As stupid as it seems that’s what I wonder if this is. If they are talking work I really don’t care. I might not be thrilled but it wouldn’t bother me too much. But having zero trust in this guy and his lack of respect for me is what really bothers me. My wife seems to want to protect him from me getting mad at him by not being open about their interactions at work. I’ve tried to be clear with wife that her trying to shield him is actually causing more issues but she continues to do it. I do trust my wife I just don’t need some clown trying to interfere with my marriage. Other than that I feel like my wife and I have a very strong relationship and can have a conversation about anything. My gut tells me I’m making more out of it than I should. I just think a lot of it has to do with knowing who she potentially might be talking to and letting that get to me more than it should. Thanks for the help and advice.

This sheds a little different light on things. Can you explain in a little more detail about what exactly happened that night? How long about was this? Drunk or not, I'm struggling to understand how one man casually has a conversation about what he going to do to his wife that night. How did you react at that exact moment? Same question about your wife. For me it would have been all but impossible to not cause a major scene if I were in your shoes. What you can count on is if the opportunity were to arise, this man would be all over your wife. I'm not trying to add to your paranoia, but that is a fact that can't be ignored. And it makes your wife's personal boundaries all that more important. Assuming she can't avoid him all together this guy needs to interacted with 100% business, nothing personal whatsoever.

It is a very positive sign that your wife doesn't guard her phone. That said, I can see how something like this could eat at you. I think it would be worth the effort to find a way to get into your cell phone account. Maybe just login and change the password. I really don't advocate lying to your spouse, but maybe it is time you "shop for a new cell plan" or something like that. I still think the VAR is a bit too much at this point.

I also think it is a good suggestion to try listening to the same audio book as your wife. That's a great way to connect with each other and turns lemons into lemonade in this situation.

 

[Gabriel]

I've read everything from detective, friends to follow her, or you do it. Track her car, put a listening device in the car. Go through her phone, really? Don't let your imagination get the best of you, or let people on here start thinking the worst.

In the OP's case, I agree. But in many other cases, the phone is key. And going through someone's phone, when legitimate red flags are present, is something I'd recommend, frankly.