It sounds like it might be you overthinking but you can always check your cell phone bill. That’s easy to do and if there are numbers you don’t recognize that keep coming up during her commute, then you’ll know and if there’s nothing, you’ll have peace of mind. I hope it’s nothing.

 

That was part of why I came here to post. I was kind of hoping people would tell me I’m overreacting and it would straighten me out. It’s not the not talking to me on her drive that’s the problem. I don’t even care if it’s a male coworker necessarily. There are a couple of her male coworkers that I don’t care for but if she’s talking about school (she’s a teacher) with them it wouldn’t really bother me too much. It’s more just if she is talking to someone I’d rather her be upfront about it. She’s never really been into audio books until now but it just seemed kind of out of character for her to that and that’s what got me thinking in the first place. I guess if it’s anything it’s probably got more to do with my not liking/trusting a couple of her coworkers that started me thinking about the whole situation. I could check the call logs but our phones are under her name (teachers get a discount) and I can’t ever remember the password we used for the phone account so I’d have to ask her and try to come up with a cover story about why I wanted it. As crazy as it sounds that didn’t seem sensible but a VAR did lol. Thank you for your advice.

If you're an overthinker, it can be hard to trust your gut feeling. There are some red flags here though with the additional details you posted.

So a co-worker of your wife "ran his mouth" about sexual things he wanted to do to her? I don't care how drunk someone is, that doesn't come out of nowhere. That had to have been building for a while, and if she wasn't a participant in it (which I find unlikely), she at least allowed it to happen which isn't okay. If he acted like that and she wasn't into it, that would be an easy sexual harassment case. The fact that she dismissed it, even while drunk, shows she's used to this behaviour from him. If she's treating it like "just joking" or no big deal, that's a serious boundary problem (and where the Shirley Glass "Not Just Friends" book would be relevant).

It's also a red flag that your wife let that slide, keeps talking about this guy, hides who she is talking about, is protecting HIM (rather than your feelings and your marriage), and continues to shield him despite you telling her to stop.

Why doesn't she want to drop this "friend"? Something has her attached to him, and I doubt it's the fact that he's a co-worker.

The suggestion to listen to the same audiobooks and discuss them, or ask her about them, is a good idea. It will give you two something to bond over, but will also show you if she's listening to them or not. If she's using Audible, you can also see what she's listening to and how far in she is. If that doesn't change, or there are no new books - red flag.

I would still suggest getting access to her phone bill and check that. You have a few options - you could make up a reason why you need to see it, for example you are price matching, you want to see your data usage, you are looking to upgrade, etc. I wouldn't say anything about wanting to see your call log because that could tip her off that it's accessible. You could just ask her for the password, and if she asks why, have one of those reasons ready. If she gets defensive, that's a big red flag. Or you could be honest and tell her the truth, but if she's not doing anything wrong that could cause issues for you two, and if she IS doing something wrong, that will give a heads up to come up with a story, stop talking to him, etc. Does she save passwords on her phone or any other devices? You may be able to access it or see the password that way.

If you look at her phone bill and there are daily calls from him, that's a red flag. There is no reason co-workers need to talk that much, especially when they didn't need to before. In that case, then I'd say it's fair to use a VAR. I wouldn't ask her about it because if she is doing something wrong, it's highly unlikely she'd fess up to that.

I'd make sure nothing is going on first, then discuss this co-worker (probably after you read the book and can see the red flags more easily) because her behaviour with him is not acceptable.

 

This is a great post^^^.
I was getting ready to type all of those points and Bobert saved me the typing.

I would add that if you have access to the email that the phone bill/account is linked to you could do a password reset/change from that email account. If it texts her (which is likely) use Bobert's reasons from his post. All logical and reasonable. Then remember that password for future possible use. If you DO end up having to go full investigation mode, look in my sig line for a link to the Evidence post. Talking with her would be good but it's always best to know the answers before you ask the questions; otherwise, it gives a guilty person a heads up and lets them know to be more careful.

E.T.A. Teacher dude must either be dumb as a bag of hammers or have a death wish to tell her HUSBAND what he plans to do to her.

 

The whole texting about work stuff being ok annoys me, I can’t think of many occupations where it can’t wait for in person or a meeting, and teaching is definitely not one of them. OP needs to answer some questions that make a difference. Ages of all involved, is the coworker attractive, married or in LTR etc. If the wife finds him attractive he could get away with comments like what we’re all imagining was said. I’m certain at this point she wasn’t surprised he felt that way in order to say what he said.

 

Is your wife a people pleaser?

 

Why not look at her phone activity during her drive time? You probably don't even need her phone; most service providers can show the call log on line. If there are calls during the drive that are not to you, then you increase the surveillance because she has lied about the audio books. If there are no calls then you have no reason to suspect her of anything.

 

With the additional information about the co-worker, deletion of texts / call logs, and her avoiding mentioning this guys name, I think you have some legitimate red flags.

This co-worker being drunk and talking about what he is going to do with your wife at the event seems like a big deal... can you be more specific about what he said?

I can't imagine someone saying stuff like that unless there was something behind it, like something already going on.

I don't care what excuse there is, deleting messages and call logs is cheater behavior.

There are enough red flags here that I now understand your concerns and I think you should thoroughly investigate this.

Whatever you do, do not accuse her of anything without bullet proof evidence. Eyes open, mouth shut.