[Gabriel]

I did not download the other days. Honestly, I wasn't thinking. Or more to the point, I kind of expected someone to say, yes, the cleaner came a day early or something. When I asked K when she came home from work, she freaked out. She asked me if I had checked all the doors when I got home. I had. All locked. And I told her I checked the security video log and saw nobody there, but she is convinced we must have had a prowler in the house looking for valuable. She's been triple-checking the locks ever since. I was not and am still not convinced. I’ve racked my brain trying to think of any other inconsistencies. I can’t think of any. Our life seemed picture-perfect. We have a nice home on the water in Florida, we spend a month every summer traveling as a family, we’ve saved almost enough for the onslaught of college tuitions, and honestly, we want for very little. It has been a charmed life. And now I wonder if it is time to pay the piper. Simply put, something in my marriage feels off, but this is the first real thing "out of place." I am worried. I feel like I am carrying a hard pebble in my gut which, I guess, is how I came to find this forum.

I'm guessing one of your daughters had a boy visitor.

But if your marriage feels off, you should address that, independently of this toilet thing. Sit her down, tell her something feels different between you and ask her if something is wrong. If she gets really defensive, or outright denies there is any difference, those are red flags. If she agrees with you that things feel off, and agrees you guys should work on it, I'd be more apt to believe nothing sneaky is happening.

 

[Gabriel]

Note to self: do not leave valuables in the toilet, that is the first and only place a prowler will look.

LMAO

And also, they will take the time to use the toilet before they leave.

 

[BigDaddyNY]

@Evinrude58 Our sex life is solid, if a little vanilla lately. We usually have relations 2-3 times per week. Almost always before I go out of town and when I get home, and usually (hopefully!) once over the weekend. No new personal grooming--its all bare everywhere. No new lingerie that I've seen, but maybe I need to check. K does not travel for work at all except for a couple of market/convention type meetings once or twice a year, but I usually go with. She's not phone guarding that I've noticed. She has a password on her phone as do I, but we know each other’s passwords and we trade phones all the time like when something needs mapping or we want to share social media post without sending it to one another. I secretly checked her phone a few times over the past few weeks and there is nothing suspicious, but there are a million messaging apps so who knows.

I personally think you are being paranoid. As I said before, given everything you shared I would be more concerned about my daughters, but I think even that is probably nothing to worry about.

 

[ccpowerslave]

Note to self: do not leave valuables in the toilet, that is the first and only place a prowler will look.

Taped to the underside of the toilet tank in a ziplock is a legit hiding spot just saying.

 

[HommeNu]

Obviously I can't read your wife, her actions sound either very genuine or she is liar with a good poker face. I hope you are worrying over nothing.

As a father of a daughter, I would be as or more concerned about my 17 or 15 year old daughter and who they had in the house.

Thank you. Yes, I agree. And if I had not checked in with the school I would just assume the 17 year-old was here with her boyfriend. I love her, but she can be a sneaky one. The thing is the distance I feel between K and me. It has had me slightly off center for a while, but I did not know what to do or say about it as I just chalked it up to the whole world being upside down and now re-opening, and us all trying to find our new bearings.

 

[QuietRiot]

I did not download the other days. Honestly, I wasn't thinking. Or more to the point, I kind of expected someone to say, yes, the cleaner came a day early or something. When I asked K when she came home from work, she freaked out. She asked me if I had checked all the doors when I got home. I had. All locked. And I told her I checked the security video log and saw nobody there, but she is convinced we must have had a prowler in the house looking for valuable. She's been triple-checking the locks ever since. I was not and am still not convinced. I’ve racked my brain trying to think of any other inconsistencies. I can’t think of any. Our life seemed picture-perfect. We have a nice home on the water in Florida, we spend a month every summer traveling as a family, we’ve saved almost enough for the onslaught of college tuitions, and honestly, we want for very little. It has been a charmed life. And now I wonder if it is time to pay the piper. Simply put, something in my marriage feels off, but this is the first real thing "out of place." I am worried. I feel like I am carrying a hard pebble in my gut which, I guess, is how I came to find this forum.

Because of what I have been through, I have to tell you that you cannot, and should not discount that feeling in your gut. And if she is in fact cheating, she would lie about it until she is caught red handed. On the other hand, if she isn’t cheating, the VAR and cameras is a huge breech of trust.

I don’t know what to advise. Usually I have an opinion, this one is difficult. The distance in the relationship is a red flag though... do you still have sex regularly? If you are out of town weekly, then she has ample opportunity to cheat...

 

[BigDaddyNY]

Thank you. Yes, I agree. And if I had not checked in with the school I would just assume the 17 year-old was here with her boyfriend. I love her, but she can be a sneaky one. The thing is the distance I feel between K and me. It has had me slightly off center for a while, but I did not know what to do or say about it as I just chalked it up to the whole world being upside down and now re-opening, and us all trying to find our new bearings.

You've said you are still having sex 2-3 times a week and especially when you leave and come home. That doesn't sound like a woman with another man to me. Yes the distance thing is a concern, but I wouldn't jump to cheating just yet. I think you should keep looking around for some other signs, look at the other days while you were gone on the video, but I wouldn't bring up cheating to her over a toilet seat and a gut feeling. What I would do is discuss the distance you are sensing. See if she feels it too and why. Most importantly see what you can try to do to help. Evinrude had a great suggesting. Take her somewhere for a weekend or something. Try to close that distance.

 

[CrAzYdOgLaDy]

You are looking for problems that aren't there, and can ruin a perfectly happy marriage. From reading your comments it doesn't seem like your wife is cheating. Maybe for peace of mind get a voice activated recorder and put where your wife would chat on her phone, maybe under a car seat. She can't know it's there though. If after a few weeks you find nothing, then get all bad thoughts out of your head. The toilet seat being up doesn't mean your wife is having an affair. It was probably left up to dry after being cleaned.

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[dubsey]

Thank you. Yes, I agree. And if I had not checked in with the school I would just assume the 17 year-old was here with her boyfriend. I love her, but she can be a sneaky one.

It's still probably this, just not during that particular school day. Could have been one of the other evenings before or whatever if it's not used very often.

 

[theloveofmylife]

I doubt your wife would immediately invite a new lover to your house, a house full of kids no less. I'm guessing a boyfriend of your daughters or the housekeeper left the seat up.

Feeling like something is a little off is nothing to ignore though. The good news is that it might just be something simple, like needing a bit more closeness, affection, or quality time together. Take your wife on a nice date, just you two, something fun. See how things feel before, during, and after.

It's important not to get into a rut, where the connection just withers away. You're gone a lot, so make up for the time away when you are back home.

 

[Al_Bundy]

As others have said don't ignore your gut. The people calling you paranoid now would be the same people saying that this was an early "obvious sign" if you were posting about catching your wife cheating.

Because it's not just like things were perfect and the only thing you have is the toilet seat.

If your wife has a brick and mortar business I doubt she'd bring a guy into the house. Why bother when she has a place (her business) all to herself. Does the flower shop have any security cameras?

 

[Cletus]

As others have said don't ignore your gut. The people calling you paranoid now would be the same people saying that this was an early "obvious sign" if you were posting about catching your wife cheating.

Yeah, no. A toilet seat left up is not an obvious sign of anything in any world I have ever lived.

Making the leap from toilet seat up to affair is about the same as UFO -> alien abductions. Too many intermediate steps.

 

[MattMatt]

Someone cleaned the toilet, but forgot to put the seat back down?

 

[MattMatt]

@HommeNu I would suggest some marital counselling, having put the toilet seat idea to one side, as I think marital counselling would benefit you as a couple.

 

[HommeNu]

I appreciate everyone's thoughts. I do hope that you're all correct and that I am worrying for naught. That said, I am taking some early advice and this afternoon I purchased a set of 3 Arlo wireless cameras at Best Buy which I am going to install outside around the house this weekend. I hear you about VARs but she walks to work as often as she drives, and I cannot imagine that I can hide one on her person and the car ride is too short. Plus, as someone suggested, if she discovered the VARs that might cause too much harm to the relationship. Arlo cameras I can pass off as "additional security." She is supposed to take the girls shopping on Sunday so maybe I will have some time to peek around the bedroom and closet for items unknown to me. I also plan to look at the cell phone bill. I will let you all know what I find. Thank you everyone for your support even those of you poking fun at me.

 

[Al_Bundy]

Yeah, no. A toilet seat left up is not an obvious sign of anything in any world I have ever lived.

Making the leap from toilet seat up to affair is about the same as UFO -> alien abductions. Too many intermediate steps.

And that's my point. The fact this triggered that response shows his mind was already there.

 

[Torninhalf]

I appreciate everyone's thoughts. I do hope that you're all correct and that I am worrying for naught. That said, I am taking some early advice and this afternoon I purchased a set of 3 Arlo wireless cameras at Best Buy which I am going to install outside around the house this weekend. I hear you about VARs but she walks to work as often as she drives, and I cannot imagine that I can hide one on her person and the car ride is too short. Plus, as someone suggested, if she discovered the VARs that might cause too much harm to the relationship. Arlo cameras I can pass off as "additional security." She is supposed to take the girls shopping on Sunday so maybe I will have some time to peek around the bedroom and closet for items unknown to me. I also plan to look at the cell phone bill. I will let you all know what I find. Thank you everyone for your support even those of you poking fun at me.

So after my STBXH moved out my daughter and her boyfriend stopped by one day. She texted me after they left and said her boyfriend said I think your mom had a man over…she was like “What” He said the toilet seat was up. 😂
Not the case…I just cleaned the toilet and didn’t put the seat back down. Somethings are simply what they are. 🤷🏼‍♀️

 

[Elizabeth001]

I’m not sure about her response of freaking out enough to check the doors and stuff. Seems to me if it was so minor that any cleaning or otherwise simple excuse would not have garnered that kind of reaction. Seems suspicious to me.

Husband’s spidey senses are tingling. He’s been with her all this time. He has purchased extra cameras and who would do that if they didn’t have something deep telling them to do so?


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[Divinely Favored]

Other thought i had was maybe one of the girls got sick,(drunk) and tossed some cookies. I always lifted seat to puke. Also left seat up when cleaning. If it has not been used recently the bowl should be dang near empty from evaporation.

 

[Pam]

Everything has been upside down for over a year, a lot of small businesses have suffered. Do you know how K's florist business weathered the economy? Maybe the distance is simply worrying about financial stuff. I would lovingly ask her about it if you don't know.