[farsidejunky]

We’re in a no-fault state

I think bringing it up to the OM’s spouse is a bad idea since it will probably just incur animosity and she may be out for blood in a divorce

Acting from a place of fear will get nothing. What has it gotten you this point?

If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting.

 

[dadstartingover]

Worst Valentine’s Day ever!

My wife of 7 years accidentally left her journal in a very accessible place and didn’t expect me to be home early. I opened it and found daily references to how much she loves another man.

It’s like an atomic bomb just dropped on me. I knew something was up because she had grown distant but I couldn’t prove anything. I somehow knew something was up with this guy but I always trusted her and never believed she would ever love someone more.

It’s all so hard to understand. I’m a respected and high-earning specialist physician. I have worked hard for everything I have. I am charasmatic, talented, and in great shape (run marathons).

This other man is overweight, broke (below the poverty line), and married with 3 young daughters.

My wife works part time. This gave her unlimited time and funds to meet up with this other man.

I just can’t believe this and it SUCKS. How do I cope? What do I do??

"That's when she lets her guard down and allows her buttons to be so easily pushed. She very quickly runs off and has an affair with a man who, by pretty much everyone's standard, is a total loser.

Everyone: 'I don't get it… Him?!'

Sure, her affair partner may not be gainfully employed, may live in his parents' basement, may drive a ****ty car and may have a criminal record… but he's fun, interesting, and something about him pushes her buttons. He makes her feel sexy. He taps into something that makes her 'feel alive' again. He allows her to temporarily strip herself of the boring veneer of 'wife' and 'mom'. The societal pressure is miraculously lifted from her shoulders, one orgasm at a time.

He's her lover. He is no provider. She knows that. That's precisely what she likes about him.

Next thing you know, she is wiping the marriage scoreboard clean. All those provider points you have earned over the years mean exactly zero when somebody comes along and pushes those oft-neglected 'time to have sex' buttons of hers.

Men who are left by their wives start listing all the wonderful things they did as provider for her and the family. He's building the case for why her affair is completely irrational.

The wife's reaction: 'Yeah… So?'"


Your story is so textbook, it's like I wrote the above just for you (it's from my book). You ain't alone, my friend. Read.

 

[Chaparral]

We’re in a no-fault state

I think bringing it up to the OM’s spouse is a bad idea since it will probably just incur animosity and she may be out for blood in a divorce

The other man’s wife deserves to know as much as you do. It doesn’t matter how mad your wife gets. Shock and awe works best. It’s been proven in thousands of threads here. Otherwise you will slowly be totrtured to your breaking point. She will do one of two things. Break down and beg forgiveness or play you.

I’m guessing he takes what he wants and you take what she is dishing out. BLOW THIS UP ASAP

 

[donesies]

Worst Valentine’s Day ever!

My wife of 7 years accidentally left her journal in a very accessible place and didn’t expect me to be home early. I opened it and found daily references to how much she loves another man.

It’s like an atomic bomb just dropped on me. I knew something was up because she had grown distant but I couldn’t prove anything. I somehow knew something was up with this guy but I always trusted her and never believed she would ever love someone more.

It’s all so hard to understand. I’m a respected and high-earning specialist physician. I have worked hard for everything I have. I am charasmatic, talented, and in great shape (run marathons).

This other man is overweight, broke (below the poverty line), and married with 3 young daughters.

My wife works part time. This gave her unlimited time and funds to meet up with this other man.

I just can’t believe this and it SUCKS. How do I cope? What do I do??

"That's when she lets her guard down and allows her buttons to be so easily pushed. She very quickly runs off and has an affair with a man who, by pretty much everyone's standard, is a total loser.

Everyone: 'I don't get it… Him?!'

Sure, her affair partner may not be gainfully employed, may live in his parents' basement, may drive a ****ty car and may have a criminal record… but he's fun, interesting, and something about him pushes her buttons. He makes her feel sexy. He taps into something that makes her 'feel alive' again. He allows her to temporarily strip herself of the boring veneer of 'wife' and 'mom'. The societal pressure is miraculously lifted from her shoulders, one orgasm at a time.

He's her lover. He is no provider. She knows that. That's precisely what she likes about him.

Next thing you know, she is wiping the marriage scoreboard clean. All those provider points you have earned over the years mean exactly zero when somebody comes along and pushes those oft-neglected 'time to have sex' buttons of hers.

Men who are left by their wives start listing all the wonderful things they did as provider for her and the family. He's building the case for why her affair is completely irrational.

The wife's reaction: 'Yeah… So?'"


Your story is so textbook, it's like I wrote the above just for you (it's from my book). You ain't alone, my friend. Read.

Geeez...

It’s so disgusting and unsettling. Do they (the wife that runs off with the dude) typically end up regretting it?

 

[ButtPunch]

If you are want another shot at this, then blow it up. Tell the OM's wife.

If you are divorcing, then wait to tell OM's spouse. Just file for divorce.
Don't make her bitter she lost her boyfriend. She will take it out on you.

In my opinion, especially without any kids, you need to be looking hard at divorce.

 

[donesies]

If you are want another shot at this, then blow it up. Tell the OM's wife.

If you are divorcing, then wait to tell OM's spouse. Just file for divorce.
Don't make her bitter she lost her boyfriend. She wil take it out on you.

In my opinion, especially without any kids, you need to be looking hard at divorce.

I took all night thinking about it. I am going to file. After I file, I am seriously debating telling the OM’s wife.

 

[ButtPunch]

I took all night thinking about it. I am going to file. After I file, I am seriously debating telling the OM’s wife.

You need to tell her but you have to time it right.

 

[samyeagar]

Geeez...

It’s so disgusting and unsettling. Do they (the wife that runs off with the dude) typically end up regretting it?

Depends on what you mean by regret. Regret being caught? Regret losing the life style? Regret losing the social status? Yes. Regret losing the man who was their husband? No.

 

[SentHereForAReason]

Geeez...

It’s so disgusting and unsettling. Do they (the wife that runs off with the dude) typically end up regretting it?

Sometimes yes and sometimes no. I am about 5-6 months away from the divorce being finalized. She can't get away fast enough. She either wants to have her lover or the rebound guy that will help her forget about her lover if he doesn't leave his wife. But the bottom line, is that the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to ever break free from it.

The thing I still don't get to this day but at least have come to terms with it is the rational or logical thinking, no matter what we say or think, even though it's sane and rational will not hold a candle to what the Emotional wife is doing. She has justified everything in her head already, re-written your marriage history and pulled in a select few friends that will support her cause and 'understand' her.

My STBX is very stubborn and hates to admit when she is wrong. I think one day she will be remorseful but she has some deep seeded internal issues in the form of demons that she hasn't confronted to this day and may not ever and if she doesn't she will keep doing what she is doing and getting quick happy fixes without realizing the fix has to be within herself. I'm hopeful she gets it one day and I want her to but I can no longer depend on that. I sure as heck won't know until she breaks free from contact of him as a customer, until then the chemicals will keep pumping that keep her wanting him.

Sorry, got off on a tangent there. I think from what I have read most end up with some sort of remorse, the question is when and how much. Regretting it? My wife said to the OM in one of her texts, she doesn't regret anything she did, she just regrets not ending it with me sooner. I know in the heart of the affair many emotions and things said to oneself can be stuff to make them feel better but regretting it is one step much further than remorse and I think less see regret than remorse but it could still happen. By then, it usually doesn't matter from what I read. The betrayed spouse themself has already moved on from the cheater and found new trusting love. I think that is when regret happens when the Wayward spouse is dumped out of the Affair relationship or between stints and sees their faithful former spouse happy and moved on.

 

[Mizzbak]

donesies,

I am so sorry for your pain.

What are you hoping to get from confrontation at this point? A reasonable explanation for her behaviour? Because what you're going to get (I can guarantee it) is someone who says that this is your fault for not being there for her enough. Or not noticing that she was really unhappy. Because frankly, if she truly felt bad about it right now, she wouldn't be doing it.

The advice here is often harsh ... and may seem extreme. Especially when your state of mind is as it is now (where you might still want to try and hold onto the comfort of what you thought was real). And yes, filing for divorce, or even seeing an attorney, does seem like an extreme action ... in a normal marriage. But, if you think about the facts of the situation, your wife has decided that she loves another man and is acting on that, even within your own home. Your actions from this point should simply be logical reactions to her behaviour.

 

[Yeswecan]

We’re in a no-fault state

I think bringing it up to the OM’s spouse is a bad idea since it will probably just incur animosity and she may be out for blood in a divorce

No sir, it will stop the affair. The OM W will be your eyes and ears. Further, would you want to know? I'm sure OM W would like to know. Tell the OM wife. Do not tell your W you are doing it. Your W will alert OM and then the fabricated stories can be created. You are crazy, etc.

Get to a lawyer asap. Start the D rolling. This make reality become very clear for your WW.

 

[Broken_in_Brooklyn]

Worst Valentine’s Day ever!

My wife of 7 years accidentally left her journal in a very accessible place and didn’t expect me to be home early. I opened it and found daily references to how much she loves another man.

It’s like an atomic bomb just dropped on me. I knew something was up because she had grown distant but I couldn’t prove anything. I somehow knew something was up with this guy but I always trusted her and never believed she would ever love someone more.

It’s all so hard to understand. I’m a respected and high-earning specialist physician. I have worked hard for everything I have. I am charasmatic, talented, and in great shape (run marathons).

This other man is overweight, broke (below the poverty line), and married with 3 young daughters.

My wife works part time. This gave her unlimited time and funds to meet up with this other man.

I just can’t believe this and it SUCKS. How do I cope? What do I do??

Are you certain she did not want you to find the journal because she was to much of a coward to tell it to your face?

That being said finding out on Valentines day your wife's heart belongs to another is a real bombshell. I suggest you do the following to return the favor:

Do not confront her yet.

See a lawyer and take expert advice to protect your assets and future earnings and have divorce papers drawn up. Prepare multiple copies of incriminating journal entries and prepare list of all close family and friends. Have her served divorce papers at the group meeting. At the same time send those journal copies to all immediate close friends and family explaining why you are divorcing. Wait by the location while she is served. When she starts blowing up your phone do not answer calls or texts. When she exits the group meeting place hand her a packed suitcase along with copies of her journal entries and simply wish her the best with the new love of her life and walk away.

As prep work on day she is served make sure to cancel all joint accounts especially credit cards and banking. Even Amazon Prime and Netflix. Everything. Don't forget Life insurance and 401K. Also have all her crap moved into storage with one month payed up front. If the law in your area allows change the locks on the house. If she insists on moving back in remove all her crap from bedroom and padlock bedroom door.

Sir, you have only been married 7 years and she has strayed. Despite what ever her excuses will be she has been cruel and disloyal. Don't validate 30 years from now that this particular leopard cannot change it's spots and spend the rest of your life paying crippling alimony payments.

Dump her and fast. Plenty of loyal women out there who would love to be the partner of a successful doctor and the high income life that brings along.

 

[Malaise]

We’re in a no-fault state

I think bringing it up to the OM’s spouse is a bad idea since it will probably just incur animosity and she may be out for blood in a divorce

Because she loves and respects you so much now.

 

[Mommame2]

You're a physician. You have the capacity to make a lot of money.

She has the capacity to cheat. If you R now, who's to say she won't do it again?

The longer you stay, the more of your $$ she leaves with. File for D, you can always change your mind later.

Best of luck, and I'm so sorry.




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[Yeswecan]

I took all night thinking about it. I am going to file. After I file, I am seriously debating telling the OM’s wife.

Do it! OM should not get off free and easy. OM W should know who she is married to. Do not tell your W you are exposing.

Exposure is your best friend at the moment. Do not play the pick me dance. File D and serve. These make the fog lift and the rainbow crapping unicorns affair go away.

 

[Broken_in_Brooklyn]

Should I confront her with what I know?

NO! Play dumb until all your ducks are in a row.

 

[Rob_1]

OP: right now you are in shock and can't think straight, but listen to what is being said here.
You are in the position of being able to divorce while there are no children. Do it. And expose, expose, just time it with serving her. Do not be afraid, this is one of those moments in life where you need to really, really grasp your balls and act decidedly, and with confidence. Let her fight you. You live in a no fault state. Get the best pitbull lawyer that you can get and you go for the yugular.

Please, do not go into the "pick me" dance, that's the worst you can do. She'll lose any little respect she might still have for you. Shock and awe my friend, go for it, be the man you know you are.

 

[snerg]

Why stay?
Why allow them to disrespect you?
Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
Why listen to another lie?

1) First and foremost, your spouse is a person of low character
2) Second - The affair is not nor will it ever be your fault
3) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids (if you have some). You can always stop the process in the future
4) Doctor - get STD/STI/HIV tests started. Your life depends on it!
5) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
6) Eat.
7) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
8) Drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
9) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
10) Start to separate funds
11) 180 like your life depended on it.
12) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her (again, if you have them)
13) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark.
14) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

 

[Yeswecan]

And, to be sure, this is not your fault. Sure, you are very busy at work and perhaps the attention was lacking but...a spouse should advise and work on the issue and not make a piss poor CHOICE by starting an affair. That is not the answer to the marital issue at hand.

Not your fault sir. None of it. Poor choice on your W part is the problem.

 

[Windwalker]

OP,

You have a bad combination there. You probably spend quite a bit of time working, and your wife seeks validation from outside sources. There's a name for that kind of woman.

Your best option is to file. Keep your mouth shut and your eyes open. Get your ducks in a row and file.

After the divorce is final notify the OM W and send copies of the journal to her and all family members on both sides. This keeps her from trashing your name and serves the exposure as well.