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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Worst Valentine’s Day ever!

My wife of 7 years accidentally left her journal in a very accessible place and didn’t expect me to be home early. I opened it and found daily references to how much she loves another man.

It’s like an atomic bomb just dropped on me. I knew something was up because she had grown distant but I couldn’t prove anything. I somehow knew something was up with this guy but I always trusted her and never believed she would ever love someone more.

It’s all so hard to understand. I’m a respected and high-earning specialist physician. I have worked hard for everything I have. I am charasmatic, talented, and in great shape (run marathons).

This other man is overweight, broke (below the poverty line), and married with 3 young children.

My wife works part time. This gave her unlimited time and funds to meet up with this other man.

I just can’t believe this and it SUCKS. How do I cope? What do I do??
 

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Worst Valentine’s Day ever!

My wife of 7 years accidentally left her journal in a very accessible place and didn’t expect me to be home early. I opened it and found daily references to how much she loves another man.

It’s like an atomic bomb just dropped on me. I knew something was up because she had grown distant but I couldn’t prove anything. I somehow knew something was up with this guy but I always trusted her and never believed she would ever love someone more.

It’s all so hard to understand. I’m a respected and high-earning specialist physician. I have worked hard for everything I have. I am charasmatic, talented, and in great shape (run marathons).

This other man is overweight, broke (below the poverty line), and married with 3 young daughters.

My wife works part time. This gave her unlimited time and funds to meet up with this other man.

I just can’t believe this and it SUCKS. How do I cope? What do I do??
i am sorry you have to go through this...

start by documenting everything. take pictures of the journal entries, upload them to an offsite location. store them in two places.

the hardest part is going to be deciding what you want to do. divorce, or reconcile. personally, what i would do is expose the affair to everyone, including the other mans wife and your cheating wife's family and friends. at the same time i would start divorce proceedings, even if i wanted to reconcile. divorce proceedings can always be stopped later if you so choose.
 

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Well, trying not to be irksome, I suspect he gave her what you could not.

His time.
His attention.

You are likely very busy, have always been busy. It is the nature of your job, especially early on in a Physician's career.

He has daughters. Do you two have children? Does she want children?

Looks are not always important. Money certainly is.
If and when you divorce your wife she will find that out. I suspect she will need to work full time to support her new family, if it goes to that.

She may be in a fog and is enjoying both worlds, the nice one you provide and the cozy passionate one the 'poor' POSOM provides.
Normally, it is the good looking, wealthy doctor who steals another man's wife.

Either way, welcome to life and yes life can suck.

Sorry you are here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks. I did take pictures of the journal entries. Not sure if I should send these to others at this point.

I would like to reconcile in theory but I don’t know if I can ever get over this.

Also, my wife joined a “club” of sorts where she met this guy and this club seems to mean the world to her. She has some other good friends there but this guy is always there.

I feel like I would have to ask her to leave this club and there’s no way that she ever would. So I’m between a rock and a hard place. I don’t know that I can stay with her if she continues there.
 

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Thanks. I did take pictures of the journal entries. Not sure if I should send these to others at this point.

I would like to reconcile in theory but I don’t know if I can ever get over this.

Also, my wife joined a “club” of sorts where she met this guy and this club seems to mean the world to her. She has some other good friends there but this guy is always there.

I feel like I would have to ask her to leave this club and there’s no way that she ever would. So I’m between a rock and a hard place. I don’t know that I can stay with her if she continues there.
if you mean less to her than a club, then you need to start divorce proceedings. what kind of a marriage is built on such little devotion?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Well, trying not to be irksome, I suspect he gave her what you could not.

His time.
His attention.

You are likely very busy, have always been busy. It is the nature of your job, especially early on in a Physician's career.

He has daughters. Do you two have children? Does she want children?

Looks are not always important. Money certainly is.
If and when you divorce your wife she will find that out. I suspect she will need to work full time to support her new family, if it goes to that.

She may be in a fog and is enjoying both worlds, the nice one you provide and the cozy passionate one the 'poor' POSOM provides.
Normally, it is the good looking, wealthy doctor who steals another man's wife.

Either way, welcome to life and yes life can suck.

Sorry you are here.
Thank you.

Yes, that’s probably true. I wasn’t always there and wasn’t as attentive as I should have been.

We have no children, but we both want them. We tried for them, but she couldn’t have them, despite thousands of dollars spend on IVF. We then sort of gave up. That was a couple years ago.

We are both young - early 30’s
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks. I did take pictures of the journal entries. Not sure if I should send these to others at this point.

I would like to reconcile in theory but I don’t know if I can ever get over this.

Also, my wife joined a “club” of sorts where she met this guy and this club seems to mean the world to her. She has some other good friends there but this guy is always there.

I feel like I would have to ask her to leave this club and there’s no way that she ever would. So I’m between a rock and a hard place. I don’t know that I can stay with her if she continues there.
if you mean less to her than a club, then you need to start divorce proceedings. what kind of a marriage is built on such little devotion?
The club gives her a sense of belonging and they will commonly take videos and pictures of her and do interviews with her to promote her on social media which makes her feel important.
 

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Whatever you want the best thing to do is immediately file for divorce. You will either quickly rip the bandaid off and move on with your life or the shock will get to her and she will beg for forgiveness. Playing nice and showing weakness always results in a drawn out struggle and ends in divorce anyway.

She absolutely has to go 100% no contact with him There is no other option.

I would ask her how Valentines was with her boyfriend and tell her I was going to see a divorce lawyer today and then refuse to answer the phone or texts.
 

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The club gives her a sense of belonging and they will commonly take videos and pictures of her and do interviews with her to promote her on social media which makes her feel important.
Life is hard when you have to give up what you love after using it to start an affair.
 

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Does your wife write about anything outside of having feelings for this man? Are they actually having romantic interactions of any kind? Does this other man even know how she feels?

What does your wife do with her days that gives her any sense of purpose? (Aside from this "club"?)

Finding out something like this tends to completely destroy any romantic illusions that we may have had about our spouse. If you take a cold, hard look at your marriage, was it making you happy before you knew what you now know? (Happy, not just content.)
 

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Totally agree with Chaparral. Also implement the 180 for you.

You stated earlier you wanted to Reconcile, that is the wrong mindset for you. She broke it she has to fix it and earn the the right of Reconciliation from you
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Does your wife write about anything outside of having feelings for this man? Are they actually having romantic interactions of any kind? Does this other man even know how she feels?

What does your wife do with her days that gives her any sense of purpose? (Aside from this "club"?)

Finding out something like this tends to completely destroy any romantic illusions that we may have had about our spouse. If you take a cold, hard look at your marriage, was it making you happy before you knew what you now know? (Happy, not just content.)
Yes - it talks about how his touch feels and the physical chemistry they have. Does mention kissing (in our house when I wasn’t there), but stops at that. Yes, the other man knows. She teaches music privately out of our home.

I can’t say that I was 100% happy, but I did/do love her and want a life with her.
 

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Sorry for your pain.

I'm steadfastly against reconciliation for my own selfish reasons. I know I would never he able to fully trust that person again and I refuse to live such a life. Without trust there can be no intimacy and that is something I refuse to endure.

You've got some soul searching to do. Your wife's character has been exposed and you know the ugly truth. Read the accounts on this board and see how some poor souls compromise their happiness by remaining with someone who has betrayed them. They follow them around, break into their emails, place hidden recording devices, etc. All in a never ending quest to prove that which can't be proven - that their spouse is no longer cheating. Is that the life you want? It's not for me.
 

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Thank you.

Yes, that’s probably true. I wasn’t always there and wasn’t as attentive as I should have been.

We have no children, but we both want them. We tried for them, but she couldn’t have them, despite thousands of dollars spend on IVF. We then sort of gave up. That was a couple years ago.

We are both young - early 30’s
At this point, with no children, seriously consider cutting your losses and go for divorce. You can reconcile later, but don’t allow her to do it from the comfort of a marriage, she needs to work for it. Despite you being busy, that is not an excuse for having sex with another man. Contact an attorney and protect yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I’m guessing she thinks you will be paying for her and him to live happily ever after. What state do you live in?
We’re in a no-fault state :(

I think bringing it up to the OM’s spouse is a bad idea since it will probably just incur animosity and she may be out for blood in a divorce
 

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We’re in a no-fault state :(

I think bringing it up to the OM’s spouse is a bad idea since it will probably just incur animosity and she may be out for blood in a divorce
Let her be out for blood, you didn't cheat!

There's reasons that we don't tell the other persons' spouse, reasons that we make up in our head that serve as excuses. Animosity, it's not right, why should they be brought into this, it will affect our efforts to reconcile, etc, etc. The bottom line is that it's fear, fear is the reason deep down inside you don't want to.

Trust me, it took me 5 months to get the balls to do it and by then .... it was WAAY too late. I consider myself a humble man who values family and my faith over all else. I thought it was vengeful and vindictive to tell the OP's spouse but then I realized it was selfish that I didn't. By withholding that information, you are effectively putting the OP's spouse and a huge disadvantage. Time to break the deceit circle. Then, as the Vets will tell you on here, the only way to actually get your wife back if you do want to reconcile, is to tell the Other Spouse. 9 times out of 10 when you keep the secret and confront your spouse, the cheaters take it further underground.

I would wait to hear the other opinions from the Vets on her about exposing now. It seems like you have enough evidence but it doesn't sound like you are confident enough yet to confront because when you do, she is going to minimize, trickle truth and put it all back on you and you are likely to fold. I folded on 2 separate Discovery Days for crying out loud and it was me asking for another chance. It took me almost 7 months to finally take charge of my life and see her for who she was but again, by then, it was too late and she wanted out, even if she couldn't be with her lover anymore, she didn't want to be with me.

If this were me and knowing what I know now, these would be my actionable items in no particular order, sorting will be up to you.

1. Get counseling
2. See a lawyer (this actually might be a good first step for you since you are concerned about assets and being raked over the coals)
3. Get your ducks in a row evidence wise, maybe even put some surveillance stuff up in your home, it's so cheap and easy to implement nowadays and use it for the purpose of 'home security'
4. Once you have your ducks in a row, politely and with real concern, tell the OM's spouse. Even if you don't want to, she deserves to know

I can tell by your state of mind, you are a lot like me when I was after the first discovery day, it's normal but you will need to get a lot stronger. We have 2 kids, 6 and 10 so it complicated matters quite a bit for me and she did a great job in the marriage and during the time she was denying that it was a big affair that the reason she wanted out was because of my not knowing how to love her, being incompatible, etc, etc. Be prepared for all of the cheater script dialog. It's going to hurt.

And sorry man, it's a no brainer and I know it's a fear thing to as I allowed contact to go on because my wife and the AP had a sales-customer relationship. If she still wants to be in the marriage and if you do, no more club, seriously, no way around that. If the club is more important to you, then it's already over. You will hear excuses about the club too, like you can't control me, you cannot tell me who I can and cannot talk to, etc. That she is in it because you weren't giving her attention. Please take it all in but don't believe it. Marriage is 50/50 .... cheating is 100%
 

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Personally, my confrontation would be divorce papers.

If you choose to confront her in an effort to "fix' things, get ready for a healthy dose of blame reversal and gas lighting. If you are weak she will eat you alive. Remember, no matter what you did to contribute to disfunction in the marriage, the decision to cheat is hers and hers alone.
 
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