[Diana7]

Why be nervous about her cheating you have gave her many chances to come clean and be up front with you. It is obvious she feels more for this man than she did about her first husband or about you as she carried on the affair while married to both of you. It is time to bite the bullet and confront her you do not have to give away all the details of how you know. Just be firm and blunt tell her you know about the affair that you are pissed off(excuse the language) and demand the truth and tell her you know about it all but want to hear her side. If she still denies this state that you are going to ask him personally at his home and watch her reaction. But you must be prepared that she is not going to give him up no matter what you say. It’s a bit like Charles and Diana you mix Camilla into the bargain he could not give Camilla up and when you see both Camilla and Diana i know who I would rather have but Charles picked Camilla. She is never going to stop seeing him please resign yourself to that fact. Sorry to be blunt but your wife will never change.

To be fair Diana actually admitted to cheating first
One of many affairs, several with married men.

 

[Coleencd]

I know of a good man that had two really good boys that are now young men. Both responsible and good dudes. Their mom always posted things on FB almost daily like they were the perfect family and she was the best mom. Come to find out, she was screwing the married neighbor across the street for Likely the past twenty years. He caught them slapping nasties in the woods while he was out hunting. He STAYED with her. I would think there’s not a day that goes by that he doesn’t think about how his wife liked banging another dude so much that she ate her cake for years while pretending to be a loving, loyal wife.

There is no freaking way i’d accept that. He lives in a small town and everyone knows.

I suppose he is as different from me as the OP is. I just feel that finding another woman to spend life with that actually has me as her number one, is more important than Avoiding the pain of divorce. It hurt a lot. Now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. My new wife is a better wife on every aspect, and the most loving partner I’ve ever had. I advise you to get out, OP. I suspect you’ve been conditioned into believing that how your wife has treated you for years, is how marriage is supposed to be. I beat myself up regularly for accepting the crap my ex once gave me for all those years. I should have never married her. I am glad, however, that I corrected the situation. You should as well. She is not the only woman you can find, nor be happy with. I guarantee you there is someone out there that you’d love more than your wife, and would make you much happier. Don’t short yourself. You only have one life.

Sorry this must be a time when you say sorry I’ve had enough. This marriage is over

 

[MercuryRising]

I've been in a long-term relationship with my wife for about 20 years, with kids. About 2 years ago, out of the blue, I discovered my wife has been having an affair: I literally drove past her while headed home - she was walking down the street on her cell phone, I slowed down and offered to drive her home, she waved me off as she was happy to walk, and as I began driving away, my car picked up her call on bluetooth - with my daughter next to me. The only thing we both heard was a man saying "I love you so much honey".

I had no warning signs - no idea she was carrying on. I confronted her outside after sending my daughter into the house. She did two things right at this point: she admitted it right away, told me who it was, and she also swore to me that she wanted to be with me, that the affair was a mistake. She insisted it was an emotional affair. She ended it the next morning with the man.

The man - we'll call him *- was an "old friend" that I had never met. She had mentioned him over the years, and every once in a while they talked on the phone or even met up for dinner or lunch. I asked her about * when we were first together, as we were learning about each other's past, and she assured me back then that he was just a dear friend. He did not live in the same city, so contact with him was sportatic at best over the years that followed. In terms of the affair, she assured me the two of them started as a result of leaning on him for emotional support when her father died (4 months earlier). She also informed me that the trip she had recently taken to Jamaica to have some "time to herself and grieve" - was not a solo trip: he joined her after a couple of days of being there, but in a separate room. She lied about that when I first realized she was having an affair when she went on that trip, but she did admit it during our first counselling session.

My wife had been married before we got together 20 years ago, and we got together not long after her marriage ended. I too had been married, and was in the process of ending it at that time.

Upon learning of this affair, my wife and I did intensive couples counselling and as a result, are more in love than we probably ever have been. We addressed a lot of issues (that should have been addressed years before had she agreed to go sooner - a request I frequently made and was rebuffed, but that's another matter). I chose to work on us instead of leave, and I'm glad I did.

A few months ago - in what turned out to be our last couples therapy session -I brought up the fact that she was curiously preventing me from accessing our phone bill account - it has our home phone/internet etc, as well as her cell phone connected to it (my cell phone is billed separately). I figured in counselling she would realize she had no reason not to give me access (I needed access for financial/tax reasons). Instead she adamantly refused to give me access. She got so upset she left the session early.

At that point I knew something was up, so I started digging. I found text messages on her phone, and then I found (sadly graphic) old photographs. Lo and behold, these discoveries proved that (a) the affair she had with ** started months earlier that she admitted to me (although it was likely not physical, given he didn't live in the area) and (b) this was NOT her first affair with **. The photographs proved that she was cheating on her ex-husband with him as well, before she and I were together. (Why did she keep the photos!!!!) **** was also married with kids, and I guess he would not leave his wife, although she did leave her husband (no kids from that marriage). Literally I am surely only with her because he ended it at the time. Fast forward to 2022: his wife died a year before her father died (2023), which is what prompted him to reach out to my wife, after (what I belive was) many years of silence between the two of them.

So, I have this info, and I have not yet confronted my wife (it's been almost 3 months since my discovery). We had stopped counselling because I was laid off work right at the time of that last terrible session. I wanted to talk to her with our couples counsellor, as I don't trust how she will react - she will probably freak out at my digging through her text messages (I knew her password) then finding the photos in her office (which were from her first affair with him exclusively).

I need her to come clean, as I can't live with the lie. I have every reason to believe she is truly finished with ****, and has been since I found about them 2 years ago. She lately tells me she has never been happier with me, and I feel the same way, and yet I know her secrets and they eat away at me.

I have ben debating how much to admit to her I know: I want her to come clean - completely. If I tell her I know she wasn't honest about her relationship, she'll want to know what I know, and presumably build a (limited) narrative around what I tell her. I want her to come clean about everything: the ancient affair on her ex, as well as the timelines for the affair she had on me. I also don't believe her when she insisted that on the recent affair it was stricly an emotional affair: they were having sex in their old affair, and I'm pretty sure they must have been having sex in Jamaica.

My debate: do I admit that I read her text messages and saw photographs when I confront her? Maybe just admit to the photographs? My reason for snooping, after all, was because I knew something was amiss when she refused me access to the phone bill account (which would have proven communication between them). I am nervous as hell to bring this up. She has agreed to a couples counselling session in a couple of weeks to talk about what is bothering me.

Sorry for the long story. Interested in peoples thoughts on that last paragraph.

How many times you gotta get burned by her to realize she hasn’t changed… won’t change?

 

[Coleencd]

I think I've come to terms of the fact she likely did sleep with him in Jamaica. I've had 2 years to think about that one, so whether she did or did not will not be the thing that makes me leave her. Being dishonest and/or not showing remorse will. As for the polygraph, I'll think about that one. Only if I feel it is necessary, as the most important thing is that he is in the past. Current phone records would prove that.

She could just buy a second pay as you go phone. You state that this was the second time you know off are you really going to believe she is not still carrying on with him. Put it this way you are paid for her to go to Jamaica to have a sexy week or so with him. If it was me I would go to his home and ask him infront of his wife is it finished or is he still having the affair with your wife. Look he has screwed your life karma is a ***** get him back make sure his wife here’s all. Stop lying down and being used as a wet wipe take back control. Being honest with yourself you are never going to trust her 100% ever again just role with the answer you get.

 

[Mr.Married]

.

 

[re16]

@mcmike

Watching these stories unfold on here for a while, the cheater will go extreme lengths to conceal further communications.

Burner phone, secret ways to chat, fake working.... I assume you are not with her 24/7 everyday, so she has some time to do this. There are many online games etc that have a chat feature. Even Quickbooks accounting has a chat feature... if she wants to communicate with him, it will happen.

She is still hiding information with the phone bill. Hec, maybe there is another number in there she doesn't want you to see. When she is at her computer, I would demand access.

This woman has done numerous things in life that point to her being selfish and lacking integrity. Is that who you want to be married to?

Like @Evinrude58 , I also wasted time on someone like your wife, pulled the plug on that relationship and now am with someone amazing. It seems like a drastic step when you are taking it, but life quickly rewards you for trying to improve your situation.

I'm not sure if you have analyzed your reasons for staying with her in depth, but I would think that her history is a strong predictor of future behavior. You have serious risk that this could happen again and you'll have wasted more years.

As others have said, you only get one life, don't waste it.

 

[Prodigal]

I'm somewhat doubtful OP will return, since it's been five days since his last comments. However, I find it laughable that anyone would have a desire to "confront" their partner after said partner had not one, but TWO affairs. I think it sends a clear message that OP's partner is not emotionally invested in the marriage. She's a cheater and apparently a cake eater as well. People like this are not marriage material.

 

[Mr.Married]

I'm somewhat doubtful OP will return, since it's been five days since his last comments. However, I find it laughable that anyone would have a desire to "confront" their partner after said partner had not one, but TWO affairs. I think it sends a clear message that OP's partner is not emotionally invested in the marriage. She's a cheater and apparently a cake eater as well. People like this are not marriage material.

Why should she quit though? Nothing will happen so she just as well keep going at this point.

 

[Laurentium]

Why should she quit though? Nothing will happen so she just as well keep going at this point.

If nothing changes then nothing changes

 

[MattMatt]

I appreciate all the words of advice here. To add a bit more context, I'm confident she is done with him because I have snooped on her phone and computer: no evidence anywhere of any communication - calls, text, what's app, email, etc. I've checked numerous times, and nothing. I've searched for photos, also nothing. Hidden folders, you name it.
As for the (final good riddance) email to him, I was part of that exercise. It was something discussed in counselling, and we went home right afterwards and sent it.
I think the actual reason she didn't want me to see the phone records is because of timing: she told me it transpired as a result of her father dying, which was in June 2023. Her texts/calls would surely show it started long before. I saw the texts, and they literally started in mid 2022 when he told her his wife died. Their communication got inappropriate by late 2022, so I'm sure that is the thing she wants to hide. I don't believe there has been any further communication since I found out (Oct 2023).
My end game: to get her to admit to all of it and come clean. If she refuses to come clean, that will likely be the end of us. If she can show genuine remorse and full honesty, and a willingness to continue with the counselling, I'm content to continue working on us.
I do appreciate the advice!

Unless she is using an app? Words With Friends is a very popular tool for cheaters.

 

[Txquail]

Biggest way to knock a spouse out of the affair fog --- Divorce Papers.

You need to leave. You don't need marriage counseling, you didn't cheat, she did. You weren't the problem, she is.

The sooner you separate, the better you will be. You can't stay. From this point to the rest of your life, you will not trust her and you will become a prison guard.

Its not worth it. You're much better off leaving, starting over and finding someone else whom you don't have to act or be the prison guard.

 

[FireForEffect]

Biggest way to knock a spouse out of the affair fog --- Divorce Papers.

You need to leave. You don't need marriage counseling, you didn't cheat, she did. You weren't the problem, she is.

The sooner you separate, the better you will be. You can't stay. From this point to the rest of your life, you will not trust her and you will become a prison guard.

Its not worth it. You're much better off leaving, starting over and finding someone else whom you don't have to act or be the prison guard.

That ain't happenin'. Some guys just don't have it in them to walk. All the advice and rationale in the world won't change that. The only way marriages like this end is if the WW walks away. And even then the BH leaves the door open. It just is what it is.

 

[mcmike]

Your wife has known this guy for yrs. You know she's having an affair with him and you heard him tell her, "I love you so much honey" and you don't think it was physical? I mean come on now you can't believe this, and if you do, she's not just lying to you but you're lying to yourself as well. If you want her to be honest with you how about you start with being honest with yourself first.

 

[mcmike]

Sorry you are in this place, but your wife has been carrying on with her first love for quite some time and you were & continue to be oblivious. She must have put on quite a performance to be able to sneak around, lie to your face and pretend to be a great parent & partner all while leading a double life with her lover. An affair is not a “mistake”. She made continuous, deliberate choices to deceive you and your family while getting her rocks off with a past lover that you wasn’t her husband. I don’t know how you could even attempt to believe a word that comes out of her mouth.



Your wife was very crafty to make mention of her lover in casual conversation at seemingly random intervals. She’s had you fooled since day one. What makes you think these two former lovers didn’t find time & opportunity to get together? Oh, because she said he was just an old friend and he was just emotional support, and he lives too far away for anything more than just a casual phone call or impromptu lunch date. Um, ok. This was (and probably still is) a physical affair.



And he was such a great friend that he flew over to Jamaica to soothe & console her sadness from a separate bedroom. What a fine respectable gentleman we have here. And what were you doing while she was “grieving” during her vacation get-away? I bet you were taking care of your family, holding down the fort, and being a loving & supporting spouse, giving your wife all the time she needed on a solo adventure so she could to “heal”.



I have a sneaky suspicion that if you wouldn’t have intercepted the phone call in your truck, your wife would still be in the thick of her love affair. She turned on the remorse because she GOT CAUGHT, not because she came to her senses and realized what a horrible person she is and what terrible things she was doing to her husband & family. And quite honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s taken her affair underground, finding more fool-proof ways to hide her transgressions. Don’t fool yourself…the length and depth of emotions those two shared from their steamy long-time affair aren’t just turned off because you’ve uncovered their dirty little secret. Her refusal to let you look at phone records, and stomping off is quite telling.



I hate to break it to you, but YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING WITH THE LIES for a long time, and because your wife is comfortable with lying, and knows you aren’t going to do anything about it, she will continue to do so. There is no way for you to have an honest or trustworthy marriage with this woman. That ship sunk a long time ago!

From what you’ve shared, you seem very passive and scared to hold your wife responsible for her utter betrayal. She knows this & can give you a line of bull sh!t and you’ll eat it up. She can easily smooth talk her way out of any accountability or throw a tantrum to avoid responsibility and you’ll just take it. You’ve accepted a cheating wife who has shown you what she’s capable of. For your sake, I hope she does give you the whole truth & nothing but the truth, but unfortunately, the odds are not in your favor. Sorry.

 

[mcmike]

She still has old photos of the guy and they went to Jamaica together to “heal”?? And you think the two of you have never been closer ? Really?
Any closeness you perceive to have with her is a delusion. I think you need to take some steps back and read what you have written. Think about if your best friend was confiding in you for advice on a similar situation with his wife? If you have adult children, would you not tell them how naive they are being about the situation??

Bear in mind they went two years ago. We have been much closer since then.

 

[mcmike]

Complete lies.
She's lying to you.
You're lying to yourself, and that's the worst part.
And now the truth.
1. She's a serial cheater who only the grave can fix.
2.They had sex and many times.
3. She doesn't love or respect you, has never loved or respected you. She is by no means your friend.
4. She has always loved only AP, loves him now and will always love him, no matter what she says.
5. You don't love the real woman next to you, but the imaginary portrait you perceived during the first period of your relationship.
6.You are both deeply unhappy. Your children cannot be happy in a family where both parents are unhappy.
7.You're a backup, she stays with you because it's beneficial for her (you know why). And nothing will change this fact.
8. You will never come to terms with her affairs and AP, you will never forget what she did to you, even if all the IC and MC in the world work with you.
9.You can be sure that she and AP denigrated you, mocked and laughed at you discussing your flaws, your intimate secrets that you shared with her and your sexual behavior. I'm sure she was comparing your genitals and those of her lover, and the comparison wasn't in your favor.
10.I'm also sure that AP has been always bragging and is bragging now to all his friends about his "victory" over you, how he took your woman away from you and makes you look like a c*****d.
.....................................................
You made a typical tragic mistake when you caught her. You should have announced the divorce immediately, even if you wanted to stay, and served her with divorce papers ASAP. Now she has realized that you are a weakling and continues her manipulations and games.
........................................................
Ask her a few questions and evaluate her answers. It's going to be fun.
1)Why did you betray me instead of working on problems (if any) with me or, if you can't solve problems or if you really love/fell in love with AP, warn me and honestly leave?
2)Why didn't you move in with AP during the affair or after D-Day?
3) Imagine that we decide to reconcile, what would you expect from it?
I'm sure her answers to these questions will be ****, which will be as clear as day to you.
......................................................
My only advice is to let her go, let the AP pick her up and deal with her **** himself.
Offer it to her.
If you don't end this toxic marriage now, she'll either continue the affair or leave you for her lover anyway when it's convenient for her and on her terms.

You strike me as a very jaded and angry person. Your assumptions about me and my situation, perhaps well intended make so many negative assumptions that I can’t take them seriously. This is not spoken from the perspective of someone who is in denial, but someone objectively considering all possibilities. Be well, and I hope you can find happiness yourself.

 

[Divine&FemPatriciaBlue]

Be well

Is your real name John Spartan?

 

[mcmike]

They may come here in shock, scared, and hanging onto the last threads of the life they build. They may be looking for hope, reassurance, or even just permission to act. They may never have stood up to their wife (or anyone) or over the years retreated to conflict avoidance, so the idea of drawing a line feels impossible. They may come here thinking they are ready to take action, but once dozens of people confirm their worst fears or push them to pull the trigger, the reality hits and causes them to retreat. They don't necessarily want to blow everything up - they may want someone to tell them there's still a path to fix things, and most here won't say that. It's brutal to accept that your wife, the person you trusted most, is the one betraying you. Walking away can feel like admitting defeat, and for many it triggers fears of losing kids, finances, stability, identity, etc.

So instead of action, you see paralysis.

They'll vent, they'll ask what to do, but when it comes time to stand up for themselves, they "can't do it" - the fear outweighs the pain they're already in. Sometimes they don't even want to act - they just want to FEEL like they're doing something. Posting, venting, and asking questions scratches that itch. It gives the illusion of progress while avoiding the consequences - divorce, splitting assets, custody battles, financial hardships, and facing the reality that their wife isn't who they thought she was. Misery, as awful as it is, can feel safer than the unknown.

You can call that weakness or stupidity - and sometimes it is - but the weight of grief, fear, and uncertainty is very real. It can explain the paralysis, though it doesn't excuse staying stuck forever.

Meanwhile, the wife sees it. She knows the BH won't leave. She knows he'll bark (or whimper) but won't bite. So the lies and cheating continue, because why would she change? By refusing to draw a hard line, the BH teaches her there are no consequences. And let's be honest, if it was truly a mistake as they all say, the WW wouldn't need her BH to force her to change - she would do that on her own.

The hard truth is that not taking action isn't just passive - it's volunteering to be lied to, cheated on, used, and disrespected. You can't outsource self-respect to a forum. At some point, you either enforce your boundaries, or you accept that you've chosen doormat status.

Wow amazing how much everyone knows about me from a post.
I suggest you read some of my replies to other comments. Some clarification may make you less judgmental of who I am- which could not be more wrong.

 

[Divine&FemPatriciaBlue]

Wow amazing how much everyone knows about me from a post.
I suggest you read some of my replies to other comments. Some clarification may make you less judgmental of who I am- which could not be more wrong.

Try not to take offense. There are some that may be ridiculous responses, others truly aim to open your eyes to some certain things you’ve shared.

I know my original comment was meant wholeheartedly and from a place of experience.

 

[mcmike]

The phone records will only show activity tied to her number, and only for a limited amount of time. They won't reveal what occurred before that time frame, or if she moved things underground after you caught her - hidden email, secret apps, secret websites, a burner phone, etc. I know you said you checked her phone but there are countless ways to hide an affair. It's possible she did end it, but from what you describe, she isn't acting like someone who has truly ended the affair, processed it, and shown genuine remorse.

You will be pushed to polygraph her. If you don't, you'll need a way to determine honesty. Personally, I didn't go the polygraph route. In your shoes though, I may have because she had her chance to come clean, and lied for years through "reconciliation" and MC. I fully trust my wife's timeline and story about what happened, because she has given me no reason not to. I asked for everything, she trickle-truthed for a little over a month, then told me everything. There was no defensiveness, no asking what I already knew, etc. She was, and still is, a completely open book with it - to whoever is asking about it. I found one inaccuracy when re-reading her written timeline years later, but it was probably just a typo or mix up, and one that changed nothing. So it's possible to trust the story fully without a polygraph (which I don't trust anyway), but that only happens if she proves it through consistent transparency, not because you choose to swallow your doubts.

Also, be careful how you interpret her reaction when you do confront her. If she breaks down crying and "tells you everything", that's not remorse - it's fear of losing the marriage. Real remorse doesn't hit that quickly in someone who was caught. It takes time, accountability, and self-reflection. My wife is extremely remorseful, but it didn't really "hit" her until months later in MC, and that memory of her reaction is burned into my mind. If she has true remorse, you will see it through consistent actions over time - full transparency, accountability, no defensiveness, patience with your questions, understanding of why you need what you do and why you feel the way you do, and an eagerness to help you heal but also fix herself, without you have to drag her around to do it.

I would strongly suggest having a plan for what happens after confrontation. You said being dishonest or showing a lack of remorse would be the thing that makes you leave her, good, but have a plan in place for how you want to respond if that occurs. On the flip side, what about if she, without any hints about what you know, tells you everything that you know (remember remorse isn't showing up that quickly)? What is your next step? Have a plan for that as well, and be prepared to follow through whichever way it goes.

I don't recommend confronting her, hearing her out, then sliding back into MC as if nothing else needs to change. She has to see that actions have consequences, and that repairing this level of betrayal and years of lies will take more than words and tears this time. Let her be scared, let her work for it. Without that accountability, you risk ending up in a cycle where she does just enough to keep you around, but never enough to truly rebuild what she broke.

This is much more useful advice than the diatribes of “she is still cheating and leave her and you’re a wimp”. So thanks for that. I do have a plan- to give her conditions for my staying on if she admits to her past and shows remorse. You raise a good point about remorse vs regret- I have had the benefit of seeing piles of remorse and regret over the last two years since I discovered the affair on me. She has consistently told me how sorry she is and how she wish she could take it all back. Shy tells me she loves me unprompted and speaks frequently of growing old together. Those are the actions and words that tell me she is serious about us, and I also am extremely confident there had been no contact with the other guy. We both work from home. No se whet all day. There is no opportunity for her to be cheating.
Thank you.