Cut her loose…..

 

I would tell her that you know she has been lying about the length of the affair and what sort of affair it was, and if she doesn't tell you the whole truth you are leaving.
Don't tell her how much you know or how you found out.
If she carries on lying and denying then you could ask her to take a lie detector test.

 

You don’t have to prove to her how you know what you know you just need to give her the opportunity if you choose to to reveal everything. You already will know if she’s being truthful with you which I would not count on. I don’t know what else you hope to get out of a relationship with this woman who has not respected you or cared for you enough to let you be in her heart. You say that you guys are more in love than ever before, but based on what? She would be happy to go to the grave without you, knowing who she truly is. And who she truly is is the woman who’s done all these things in secret That are hurtful to you

 

This guy doesn’t sound like a passing fling, but more like she could be in love with him. I would stop being afraid of losing her, and simply tell her what you know. Try to be calm but there’s no point in waiting for her to share “everything.” Personally, I would leave if my husband was doing this but you have to decide that for yourself. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. 😞

 

I hear you Diedre - I suppose my problem is that outside of this truth, we've never been closer. I do believe she is done with him, and one of the things I need to get my head around is exactly what you suggest: how do I really know she is totally done with him, given she lied about their original relationship? Had she admitted to it years ago (after all, I wasn't on the scene) I never would have been comfortable with her communicating with him again. Note they literally went years without talking. I don't think anything inappropriate happened between them during our time together until 2022/23 time frame. I don't have any reason to believe they carried on after I found out (late 2023), and she has been emphatic about telling me how horrible she feels about having made that error and how badly she wishes she could go back in time. At the time I found out in 2023, she contacted him via email a few days after I found out, to let him know that she would never have any contact with him ever again of any kind. I believe they have both respected that.
My best guess is that she wanted to take the secret of their original affair to the grave. But keeping the photos is a stupid way to keep a secret (they were on old CDs).

 

What makes you think she won't up and leave if you expose what you know at the therapy session like she did before?

May as well confront her before counseling - BUT ONLY AFTER TALKING TO AN ATTORNEY FOR LEGAL ADVICE. I am unfamiliar with Canadian family law but you need to know your options especially if you are still unemployed and she's the breadwinner.

I would ask the lawyer to draft a preliminary unfiled divorce petition to have on you when you confront her... let her know how real this is. Depending on her response, be ready to call the attorney up the next day to file the petition and have her served.

How many times are you going to allow her to stab you in the back?

Stay strong.

 

She had one chance to come clean and deal with things constructively.
She failed that by lying by deception.
How much more disrespect do you care to swallow?
If you want to continue with her yet get the truth, you better have one hell of an attention getter.
Have her served with Divorce paperwork coldly and without notice.
If she wants to save your marriage, make her do what is required to clean up the mess (after all, she made it.)
Frankly, you need to be done with this one.

 

Sorry for the long story. Interested in peoples thoughts on that last paragraph.

You can’t trust her at all. She has been lying to you for your entire relationship. Why do you bother worrying about confronting and counseling.

There isn’t anything to save here. Your entire marriage is a mirage. Nothing real. She has been in love with the other guy her entire adult life. And still is.

 

If I tell her I know she wasn't honest about her relationship, she'll want to know what I know, and presumably build a (limited) narrative around what I tell her.

Exactly. That's why you cannot tell her what you know, because if you do, she will only admit to that. And the moment she gets angry and wants to know what you know, that's proof that she has no intention of telling you everything.

The thing is though, what are you going to do with that information? You need to think about your endgame before you confront her. Do you want complete honesty so youcan forgive and rebuild, or do you need it to decide whether you want to stay or not? Knowing your WHY will help you stay steady in the conversation. And if (and likely when) she lies again, what will you do? Are you able to hold her accountable, and if so, what does that look like to you?

Whatever you say to her, you need to be ready to follow through with it.

I would simply tell her, "I know that you lied about the affair. You have ONE chance to give me all of the details, or this marriage is over".

tell her that you know she has been lying about the length of the affair and what sort of affair it was

No, don't do this. You don't want to let her know what you have, or how you found it. Do not give her ANY hints for what you found or what you know (the length, the type, the mementos - nothing!).

I hear you Diedre - I suppose my problem is that outside of this truth, we've never been closer. I do believe she is done with him, and one of the thingsI I need to get my head around is exactly what you suggest: how do I really know she is totally done with him, given she lied about their original relationship?

Why do you think she's done with him? She's hiding her phone and call records for a reason. What is she hiding? What are the texts that you found?

I can promise you that she is not done with him. Speaking from experience, she wouldn't have kept those photos if she was. She kept them because at minimum, she is still emotionally attached to him. If she had an affair with him prior to meeting you, and after you, and they've had the ability to contact each other all this time (even off and on), she has possibly been in the affair the whole time. It may have paused or slowed down at times, but it doesn't change where her heart was.

I don't have any reason to believe they carried on after I found out (late 2023), and she has been emphatic about telling me how horrible she feels about having made that error and how badly she wishes she could go back in time. At the time I found out in 2023, she contacted him via email a few days after I found out, to let him know that she would never have any contact with him ever again of any kind. I believe they have both respected that.

Editing to add:
You don't have any reason to believe their communication carried on after late-2023, yet she's hiding her call/text records and protects them to the point that she panicked and stormed out of MC? That's NOT normal.

And if she really felt so guilty, that it was a mistake, and wished she could erase it, why did she keep the pictures? The ONE part she could potentially erase. Let alone keep them in a seemingly easily accessibly spot for her to view? Her words do not match her actions, at all.

That email doesn't mean diddly. She could easily have talked to him FIRST, planned it out, then sent the email. Or sent the email, then reached out later. You also should have been a part of it, were you?

I am nervous as hell to bring this up.

I understand being nervous to hear news like this, but is that what you're nervous about? Or are you scared of HER?

Either way, if you're going to drop this bomb in MC, make sure you warn the MC ahead of time...

 

Exactly. That's why you cannot tell her what you know, because if you do, she will only admit to that. And the moment she gets angry and wants to know what you know, that's proof that she has no intention of telling you everything.

The thing is though, what are you going to do with that information? You need to think about your endgame before you confront her. Do you want complete honesty so youcan forgive and rebuild, or do you need it to decide whether you want to stay or not? Knowing your WHY will help you stay steady in the conversation. And if (and likely when) she lies again, what will you do? Are you able to hold her accountable, and if so, what does that look like to you?

Whatever you say to her, you need to be ready to follow through with it.

I would simply tell her, "I know that you lied about the affair. You have ONE chance to give me all of the details, or this marriage is over".



No, don't do this. You don't want to let her know what you have, or how you found it. Do not give her ANY hints for what you found or what you know (the length, the type, the mementos - nothing!).


Why do you think she's done with him? She's hiding her phone and call records for a reason. What is she hiding? What are the texts that you found?

I can promise you that she is not done with him. Speaking from experience, she wouldn't have kept those photos if she was. She kept them because at minimum, she is still emotionally attached to him. If she had an affair with him prior to meeting you, and after you, and they've had the ability to contact each other all this time (even off and on), she has possibly been in the affair the whole time. It may have paused or slowed down at times, but it doesn't change where her heart was.



Editing to add:
You don't have any reason to believe their communication carried on after late-2023, yet she's hiding her call/text records and protects them to the point that she panicked and stormed out of MC? That's NOT normal.

And if she really felt so guilty, that it was a mistake, and wished she could erase it, why did she keep the pictures? The ONE part she could potentially erase. Let alone keep them in a seemingly easily accessibly spot for her to view? Her words do not match her actions, at all.

That email doesn't mean diddly. She could easily have talked to him FIRST, planned it out, then sent the email. Or sent the email, then reached out later. You also should have been a part of it, were you?


I understand being nervous to hear news like this, but is that what you're nervous about? Or are you scared of HER?

Either way, if you're going to drop this bomb in MC, make sure you warn the MC ahead of time...

I appreciate all the words of advice here. To add a bit more context, I'm confident she is done with him because I have snooped on her phone and computer: no evidence anywhere of any communication - calls, text, what's app, email, etc. I've checked numerous times, and nothing. I've searched for photos, also nothing. Hidden folders, you name it.
As for the (final good riddance) email to him, I was part of that exercise. It was something discussed in counselling, and we went home right afterwards and sent it.
I think the actual reason she didn't want me to see the phone records is because of timing: she told me it transpired as a result of her father dying, which was in June 2023. Her texts/calls would surely show it started long before. I saw the texts, and they literally started in mid 2022 when he told her his wife died. Their communication got inappropriate by late 2022, so I'm sure that is the thing she wants to hide. I don't believe there has been any further communication since I found out (Oct 2023).
My end game: to get her to admit to all of it and come clean. If she refuses to come clean, that will likely be the end of us. If she can show genuine remorse and full honesty, and a willingness to continue with the counselling, I'm content to continue working on us.
I do appreciate the advice!

 

OP, it would behoove you to give very careful consideration to what @bobert is telling you. He knows of what he speaks.

 

She insisted it was an emotional affair. She ended it the next morning with the man.

She also informed me that the trip she had recently taken to Jamaica to have some "time to herself and grieve" - was not a solo trip: he joined her after a couple of days of being there, but in a separate room. She lied about that when I first realized she was having an affair when she went on that trip, but she did admit it during our first counselling session.

McMike, there is NO WAY that she didn't have a physical affair with this guy in Jamaica. Separate rooms? BS. She def had sex with him -- and she is STILL trying to hide that from you. They are adults -- who will have sex in a situation like that.
You need to seriously think about this, esp. since you have photos from her previous affair with the gu.
She isn't being truthful -- if she was she'd give you full access to EVERYTHING. She isn't because she knows you will find out the truth.

ETA: you may want to contact HIS wife to let her know the truth -- AFTER you talk with a lawyer. She needs to know what a crap person she is married to.

 

I think you missed a few details and one point I didn't share: I checked with the hotel, he had a separate room (not that it means they didn't sleep together). As for his wife, she died, and that is the reason he came back on the scene in 2022.

 

ETA: you may want to contact HIS wife to let her know the truth -- AFTER you talk with a lawyer. She needs to know what a crap person she is married to.

Unless he remarried already, the OP said his wife died in 2022.

Fast forward to 2022: his wife died a year before her father died (2023)

 

I’m curious what she said her reasoning is for not granting you access. What did she actually “say?” That’s a HUGE red flag that would never be tolerated in this house.

I’m sorry, but she has played you for a fool. Let me be super clear…NO man (or woman) is flying to Jamaica to see someone they’re involved with and have definitely previously slept with and not having sex. This is a no brainer. How did you ever buy that? There was no separate room.

I’d keep my mouth shut and keep digging. There’s more.

 

Your wife has known this guy for yrs. You know she's having an affair with him and you heard him tell her, "I love you so much honey" and you don't think it was physical? I mean come on now you can't believe this, and if you do, she's not just lying to you but you're lying to yourself as well. If you want her to be honest with you how about you start with being honest with yourself first.

 

 

She still has old photos of the guy and they went to Jamaica together to “heal”?? And you think the two of you have never been closer ? Really?
Any closeness you perceive to have with her is a delusion. I think you need to take some steps back and read what you have written. Think about if your best friend was confiding in you for advice on a similar situation with his wife? If you have adult children, would you not tell them how naive they are being about the situation??

 

Bear in mind they went two years ago. We have been much closer since then.

 

I had no warning signs - no idea she was carrying on…. the affair was a mistake. She insisted it was an emotional affair. She ended it the next morning with the man.

Sorry you are in this place, but your wife has been carrying on with her first love for quite some time and you were & continue to be oblivious. She must have put on quite a performance to be able to sneak around, lie to your face and pretend to be a great parent & partner all while leading a double life with her lover. An affair is not a “mistake”. She made continuous, deliberate choices to deceive you and your family while getting her rocks off with a past lover that you wasn’t her husband. I don’t know how you could even attempt to believe a word that comes out of her mouth.

…once in a while they talked on the phone or even met up for dinner or lunch….He did not live in the same city, so contact with him was sportatic at best

Your wife was very crafty to make mention of her lover in casual conversation at seemingly random intervals. She’s had you fooled since day one. What makes you think these two former lovers didn’t find time & opportunity to get together? Oh, because she said he was just an old friend and he was just emotional support, and he lives too far away for anything more than just a casual phone call or impromptu lunch date. Um, ok. This was (and probably still is) a physical affair.

She also informed me that the trip she had recently taken to Jamaica to have some "time to herself and grieve" - was not a solo trip: he joined her after a couple of days of being there, but in a separate room.

And he was such a great friend that he flew over to Jamaica to soothe & console her sadness from a separate bedroom. What a fine respectable gentleman we have here. And what were you doing while she was “grieving” during her vacation get-away? I bet you were taking care of your family, holding down the fort, and being a loving & supporting spouse, giving your wife all the time she needed on a solo adventure so she could to “heal”.

Upon learning of this affair, my wife and I did intensive couples counselling and as a result, are more in love than we probably ever have been. We addressed a lot of issues (that should have been addressed years before had she agreed to go sooner - a request I frequently made and was rebuffed, but that's another matter). I chose to work on us instead of leave, and I'm glad I did.

I have a sneaky suspicion that if you wouldn’t have intercepted the phone call in your truck, your wife would still be in the thick of her love affair. She turned on the remorse because she GOT CAUGHT, not because she came to her senses and realized what a horrible person she is and what terrible things she was doing to her husband & family. And quite honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s taken her affair underground, finding more fool-proof ways to hide her transgressions. Don’t fool yourself…the length and depth of emotions those two shared from their steamy long-time affair aren’t just turned off because you’ve uncovered their dirty little secret. Her refusal to let you look at phone records, and stomping off is quite telling.

I need her to come clean, as I can't live with the lie.

I hate to break it to you, but YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING WITH THE LIES for a long time, and because your wife is comfortable with lying, and knows you aren’t going to do anything about it, she will continue to do so. There is no way for you to have an honest or trustworthy marriage with this woman. That ship sunk a long time ago!

From what you’ve shared, you seem very passive and scared to hold your wife responsible for her utter betrayal. She knows this & can give you a line of bull sh!t and you’ll eat it up. She can easily smooth talk her way out of any accountability or throw a tantrum to avoid responsibility and you’ll just take it. You’ve accepted a cheating wife who has shown you what she’s capable of. For your sake, I hope she does give you the whole truth & nothing but the truth, but unfortunately, the odds are not in your favor. Sorry.

 

Sorry you are in this place, but your wife has been carrying on with her first love for quite some time and you were & continue to be oblivious. She must have put on quite a performance to be able to sneak around, lie to your face and pretend to be a great parent & partner all while leading a double life with her lover. An affair is not a “mistake”. She made continuous, deliberate choices to deceive you and your family while getting her rocks off with a past lover that you wasn’t her husband. I don’t know how you could even attempt to believe a word that comes out of her mouth.



Your wife was very crafty to make mention of her lover in casual conversation at seemingly random intervals. She’s had you fooled since day one. What makes you think these two former lovers didn’t find time & opportunity to get together? Oh, because she said he was just an old friend and he was just emotional support, and he lives too far away for anything more than just a casual phone call or impromptu lunch date. Um, ok. This was (and probably still is) a physical affair.



And he was such a great friend that he flew over to Jamaica to soothe & console her sadness from a separate bedroom. What a fine respectable gentleman we have here. And what were you doing while she was “grieving” during her vacation get-away? I bet you were taking care of your family, holding down the fort, and being a loving & supporting spouse, giving your wife all the time she needed on a solo adventure so she could to “heal”.



I have a sneaky suspicion that if you wouldn’t have intercepted the phone call in your truck, your wife would still be in the thick of her love affair. She turned on the remorse because she GOT CAUGHT, not because she came to her senses and realized what a horrible person she is and what terrible things she was doing to her husband & family. And quite honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s taken her affair underground, finding more fool-proof ways to hide her transgressions. Don’t fool yourself…the length and depth of emotions those two shared from their steamy long-time affair aren’t just turned off because you’ve uncovered their dirty little secret. Her refusal to let you look at phone records, and stomping off is quite telling.



I hate to break it to you, but YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING WITH THE LIES for a long time, and because your wife is comfortable with lying, and knows you aren’t going to do anything about it, she will continue to do so. There is no way for you to have an honest or trustworthy marriage with this woman. That ship sunk a long time ago!

From what you’ve shared, you seem very passive and scared to hold your wife responsible for her utter betrayal. She knows this & can give you a line of bull sh!t and you’ll eat it up. She can easily smooth talk her way out of any accountability or throw a tantrum to avoid responsibility and you’ll just take it. You’ve accepted a cheating wife who has shown you what she’s capable of. For your sake, I hope she does give you the whole truth & nothing but the truth, but unfortunately, the odds are not in your favor. Sorry.

 

I've been in a long-term relationship with my wife for about 20 years, with kids. About 2 years ago, out of the blue, I discovered my wife has been having an affair: I literally drove past her while headed home - she was walking down the street on her cell phone, I slowed down and offered to drive her home, she waved me off as she was happy to walk, and as I began driving away, my car picked up her call on bluetooth - with my daughter next to me. The only thing we both heard was a man saying "I love you so much honey".

I had no warning signs - no idea she was carrying on. I confronted her outside after sending my daughter into the house. She did two things right at this point: she admitted it right away, told me who it was, and she also swore to me that she wanted to be with me, that the affair was a mistake. She insisted it was an emotional affair. She ended it the next morning with the man.

The man - we'll call him *- was an "old friend" that I had never met. She had mentioned him over the years, and every once in a while they talked on the phone or even met up for dinner or lunch. I asked her about * when we were first together, as we were learning about each other's past, and she assured me back then that he was just a dear friend. He did not live in the same city, so contact with him was sportatic at best over the years that followed. In terms of the affair, she assured me the two of them started as a result of leaning on him for emotional support when her father died (4 months earlier). She also informed me that the trip she had recently taken to Jamaica to have some "time to herself and grieve" - was not a solo trip: he joined her after a couple of days of being there, but in a separate room. She lied about that when I first realized she was having an affair when she went on that trip, but she did admit it during our first counselling session.

My wife had been married before we got together 20 years ago, and we got together not long after her marriage ended. I too had been married, and was in the process of ending it at that time.

Upon learning of this affair, my wife and I did intensive couples counselling and as a result, are more in love than we probably ever have been. We addressed a lot of issues (that should have been addressed years before had she agreed to go sooner - a request I frequently made and was rebuffed, but that's another matter). I chose to work on us instead of leave, and I'm glad I did.

A few months ago - in what turned out to be our last couples therapy session -I brought up the fact that she was curiously preventing me from accessing our phone bill account - it has our home phone/internet etc, as well as her cell phone connected to it (my cell phone is billed separately). I figured in counselling she would realize she had no reason not to give me access (I needed access for financial/tax reasons). Instead she adamantly refused to give me access. She got so upset she left the session early.

At that point I knew something was up, so I started digging. I found text messages on her phone, and then I found (sadly graphic) old photographs. Lo and behold, these discoveries proved that (a) the affair she had with ** started months earlier that she admitted to me (although it was likely not physical, given he didn't live in the area) and (b) this was NOT her first affair with . The photographs proved that she was cheating on her ex-husband with him as well, before she and I were together. (Why did she keep the photos!!!!) ** was also married with kids, and I guess he would not leave his wife, although she did leave her husband (no kids from that marriage). Literally I am surely only with her because he ended it at the time. Fast forward to 2022: his wife died a year before her father died (2023), which is what prompted him to reach out to my wife, after (what I belive was) many years of silence between the two of them.

So, I have this info, and I have not yet confronted my wife (it's been almost 3 months since my discovery). We had stopped counselling because I was laid off work right at the time of that last terrible session. I wanted to talk to her with our couples counsellor, as I don't trust how she will react - she will probably freak out at my digging through her text messages (I knew her password) then finding the photos in her office (which were from her first affair with him exclusively).

I need her to come clean, as I can't live with the lie. I have every reason to believe she is truly finished with ****, and has been since I found about them 2 years ago. She lately tells me she has never been happier with me, and I feel the same way, and yet I know her secrets and they eat away at me.

I have ben debating how much to admit to her I know: I want her to come clean - completely. If I tell her I know she wasn't honest about her relationship, she'll want to know what I know, and presumably build a (limited) narrative around what I tell her. I want her to come clean about everything: the ancient affair on her ex, as well as the timelines for the affair she had on me. I also don't believe her when she insisted that on the recent affair it was stricly an emotional affair: they were having sex in their old affair, and I'm pretty sure they must have been having sex in Jamaica.

My debate: do I admit that I read her text messages and saw photographs when I confront her? Maybe just admit to the photographs? My reason for snooping, after all, was because I knew something was amiss when she refused me access to the phone bill account (which would have proven communication between them). I am nervous as hell to bring this up. She has agreed to a couples counselling session in a couple of weeks to talk about what is bothering me.

Sorry for the long story. Interested in peoples thoughts on that last paragraph.

Do I admit that I read her text messages and saw photographs when I confront her?
Sorry, but to me you come across as another beta male.
If this had been my wife darn right I would have let it be known I have seen her text messages and photos.
But I`d never have allowed myself to be in this situation because the moment I discovered my wife cheating, whether it be a one night stand, a quickie in the back of a car somewhere or a full blown affair she would have been out of the house within the time it took her to pack all her crap.

It seems many husbands of weak character are afraid of their wives.
No need to be a genius to understand your wife doesn`t respect you.
Fine if you are willing to continue as the long and suffering otherwise good luck.
We are treated how we allow ourselves to be treated.

 

You have been trying to rebuild your marriage but it has been built on unstable foundations. Lies and deception are very rocky foundations.
I think you know that you haven't been told the full truth and if you take some of the advise given here you should be able to get her to come clean.
.

 

Complete lies.
She's lying to you.
You're lying to yourself, and that's the worst part.
And now the truth.
1. She's a serial cheater who only the grave can fix.
2.They had sex and many times.
3. She doesn't love or respect you, has never loved or respected you. She is by no means your friend.
4. She has always loved only AP, loves him now and will always love him, no matter what she says.
5. You don't love the real woman next to you, but the imaginary portrait you perceived during the first period of your relationship.
6.You are both deeply unhappy. Your children cannot be happy in a family where both parents are unhappy.
7.You're a backup, she stays with you because it's beneficial for her (you know why). And nothing will change this fact.
8. You will never come to terms with her affairs and AP, you will never forget what she did to you, even if all the IC and MC in the world work with you.
9.You can be sure that she and AP denigrated you, mocked and laughed at you discussing your flaws, your intimate secrets that you shared with her and your sexual behavior. I'm sure she was comparing your genitals and those of her lover, and the comparison wasn't in your favor.
10.I'm also sure that AP has been always bragging and is bragging now to all his friends about his "victory" over you, how he took your woman away from you and makes you look like a c*****d.
.....................................................
You made a typical tragic mistake when you caught her. You should have announced the divorce immediately, even if you wanted to stay, and served her with divorce papers ASAP. Now she has realized that you are a weakling and continues her manipulations and games.
........................................................
Ask her a few questions and evaluate her answers. It's going to be fun.
1)Why did you betray me instead of working on problems (if any) with me or, if you can't solve problems or if you really love/fell in love with AP, warn me and honestly leave?
2)Why didn't you move in with AP during the affair or after D-Day?
3) Imagine that we decide to reconcile, what would you expect from it?
I'm sure her answers to these questions will be ********, which will be as clear as day to you.
......................................................
My only advice is to let her go, let the AP pick her up and deal with her **** himself.
Offer it to her.
If you don't end this toxic marriage now, she'll either continue the affair or leave you for her lover anyway when it's convenient for her and on her terms.

 

Complete lies.
She's lying to you.
You're lying to yourself, and that's the worst part.
And now the truth.
1. She's a serial cheater who only the grave can fix.
2.They had sex and many times.
3. She doesn't love or respect you, has never loved or respected you. She is by no means your friend.
4. She has always loved only AP, loves him now and will always love him, no matter what she says.
5. You don't love the real woman next to you, but the imaginary portrait you perceived during the first period of your relationship.
6.You are both deeply unhappy. Your children cannot be happy in a family where both parents are unhappy.
7.You're a backup, she stays with you because it's beneficial for her (you know why). And nothing will change this fact.
8. You will never come to terms with her affairs and AP, you will never forget what she did to you, even if all the IC and MC in the world work with you.
9.You can be sure that she and AP denigrated you, mocked and laughed at you discussing your flaws, your intimate secrets that you shared with her and your sexual behavior. I'm sure she was comparing your genitals and those of her lover, and the comparison wasn't in your favor.
10.I'm also sure that AP has been always bragging and is bragging now to all his friends about his "victory" over you, how he took your woman away from you and makes you look like a c*****d.
.....................................................
You made a typical tragic mistake when you caught her. You should have announced the divorce immediately, even if you wanted to stay, and served her with divorce papers ASAP. Now she has realized that you are a weakling and continues her manipulations and games.
........................................................
Ask her a few questions and evaluate her answers. It's going to be fun.
1)Why did you betray me instead of working on problems (if any) with me or, if you can't solve problems or if you really love/fell in love with AP, warn me and honestly leave?
2)Why didn't you move in with AP during the affair or after D-Day?
3) Imagine that we decide to reconcile, what would you expect from it?
I'm sure her answers to these questions will be ****, which will be as clear as day to you.
......................................................
My only advice is to let her go, let the AP pick her up and deal with her **** himself.
Offer it to her.
If you don't end this toxic marriage now, she'll either continue the affair or leave you for her lover anyway when it's convenient for her and on her terms.

You strike me as a very jaded and angry person. Your assumptions about me and my situation, perhaps well intended make so many negative assumptions that I can’t take them seriously. This is not spoken from the perspective of someone who is in denial, but someone objectively considering all possibilities. Be well, and I hope you can find happiness yourself.

 

She's not over this other guy and never will be. The only way I can see that happening, is if she met another guy who, in her eyes, is better for her than him.

But that other guy obviously isn't you. Sorry to say that, I know it hurts.

 

Of course she is lying and what's even worse is that you are also lying...to yourself. You've allowed yourself to be walked on because you view success as her staying with you and how she treats you in the moment. There's no consequences for her actions and she knows this. Look its your life, but most men, at least those with self respect would have already walked. You have a wife that loves another man and has so for many years. Why would anyone stay in that situation? If you're set on saving this debacle of a marriage, you should at least demand a polygraph to find out the total truth. But somehow I don't see you doing that.

 

Sir, our conscience plays heavily with things of this nature. Our hearts and minds spin cycle constantly. I know. After 34 yrs of marriage my wife let slip an incident with a man from around 30 yrs prior. We had been married around 5 yrs at the time and I was in the Navy and deployed when it started. It took me several years to do a real confrontation over this. Several more years of a very painful trickle truth, no real remorse or admitting wrong doing and I ended our marriage at 40 yrs! It wasn't the fact of what she did, but the years of deception. All the i love yous, miss you, intimacy, and finally having a child with me. All of this while behind those blue eyes was a dirty little secret!
no one here can tell you what you will or must do. We can only tell you of our experiences. Its something you must search your own heart and soul to do.
Best wishes and I'm deeply sorry you must endure this.

 

I need her to come clean, as I can't live with the lie.

It’s too late for this. She should have come clean the first go around. What makes you think this time will be different?

Listen, I unfortunately, can lay claim to having stake in the territory as a betraying spouse. If she really cared about anything besides herself, she would have completely come clean in the beginning. And she certainly wouldn’t have done it again.

That is the difference between a habitual woman who steps out on her husband and one who doesn’t and made a mistake. Keyword: A. Meaning one.

If she loved you and respected you and cared for your feelings, you wouldn’t be in the situation AGAIN.

 

I was married to a cheater. He never admitted to anything I didn’t have solid proof of and even then he tried to spin it. Cheaters lie because it benefits them — especially when they don’t want their marriage to end. It’s unlikely you’ll ever know the real truth. Can you live with that or not?

 

She also informed me that the trip she had recently taken to Jamaica to have some "time to herself and grieve" - was not a solo trip: he joined her after a couple of days of being there, but in a separate room........

whoa Nellie! Separate rooms my ass. Relegate this cheater to a backseat of your mind. Let her go. Get yourself into counseling sir. You need to build up your self esteem and confidence.

 

They banged in Jamaica with 100% certainty. Likely many times.

This man is her #1 choice, clearly. Make it easy for her and tell her to move out, and go be with him.

She's been lying to you your whole marriage, likely. While I don't suggest your kids are not yours, I would make her go through the ordeal of a DNA test on them, just to pound the point home with severity and alacrity.

Only after you've done those things, and she crawls on her knees crying with mascara smudged and wiping her nose....do you then calmly describe that you know "everything" and only after she comes clean to you, will you even CONSIDER entertaining a future with her.

 

You found out two years ago. Online phone records seldom go back over a year. If she refuses to let you see them, it's because of something last month, not years ago. That is, she is actively doing something she wants to hide from you.
"I had no warning signs - no idea she was carrying on. "
"Upon learning of this affair, my wife and I did intensive couples counselling and as a result, are more in love than we probably ever have been."
Those three things are a very bad sign. Your wife is good at acting. She is still in an active affair.

You have a spouse who was cheating with the same guy she cheated on you with in her first marriage. Likely a contributing factor in her divorce. The only thing that kept them apart was her APs marriage and kids. Taking a trip to be together, means they were all the way together. You know that. AP is now available. I wouldn't worry about getting the truth from her. I'd be worrying about her just bidding her time to get all of her ducks in a row before leaving you for him. Using your love for her as a tool. Being super "loving" to you to keep you content until she is ready. How old is your youngest?

 

You found out two years ago. Online phone records seldom go back over a year. If she refuses to let you see them, it's because of something last month, not years ago. That is, she is actively doing something she wants to hide from you.
"I had no warning signs - no idea she was carrying on. "
"Upon learning of this affair, my wife and I did intensive couples counselling and as a result, are more in love than we probably ever have been."
Those three things are a very bad sign. Your wife is good at acting. She is still in an active affair.

You have a spouse who was cheating with the same guy she cheated on you with in her first marriage. Likely a contributing factor in her divorce. The only thing that kept them apart was her APs marriage and kids. Taking a trip to be together, means they were all the way together. You know that. AP is now available. I wouldn't worry about getting the truth from her. I'd be worrying about her just bidding her time to get all of her ducks in a row before leaving you for him. Using your love for her as a tool. Being super "loving" to you to keep you content until she is ready. How old is your youngest?

Listen to this bolded part very carefully.

The love bombing is a red herring. Running cover until she and the AP can figure it out. She and him are like, "crap, now he knows, we have to play nice until we can get you out of there".

Also, your daughter heard that - how old is she? Don't let your daughter see you not stand up for yourself. Terrible lesson.