[Thor]

Don't waste your money on a NASTY divorce (custody is another matter which you should save your money for) split things fairly.

Bunny, sorry you're here, hope you're doing ok.

There was a time period I would have literally given my wife everything except my personal belongings (guitars, guns, clothes, car). If the OP's W is in this kind of state of mind due to her affair fog, take full advantage of it!

I would be tempted to hustle the lawyers or mediators to get a document written up which says she gets half the $ in all the accounts and half the net value of the house. No alimony, no change in terms ever for any reason. Done. Sign here and she gets to go live the fantasy life.

 

[Chaparral]

Mediators seem to think the strategy is a good one in terms of getting to a good and a quick settlement.

As to regretting not blowing up the affair, that is a different part of the issue than the D settlement. If the goal is to feel some sort of joy by blowing up the affair, go for it. But realize the consequence may be a more difficult D process and a less favorable settlement.

Alimony. In my state it is permanent alimony after 20 years marriage. The court averages the 2 incomes and then spreads the wealth from the high earner to the low earner. It is to the benefit of the BS to keep the WS employed and earning as much as possible up to the final court date.

Health insurance costs and a few other living expenses are taken into account. So if the unemployed spouse is paying $1k per month on private health insurance, the BS is going to be footing that bill too.

From 10 t0 20 years it is a year-for-year alimony. Thus if one is married for 15 years, one pays alimony for 15 years. The same spread-the-wealth formula is used.

Simple example for a 25 year married couple: BS earns $80k. WS earns $50k. WS gets the house and $2k/mo mortgage payment. BS rents a $1k/mo apartment.

Both employed with health insurance --->>> BS pays $21k per year alimony to the WS for life.

WS fired --->>> WS has no income, $2k/mo mortgage, $1k/mo health insurance. BS pays $46k/year alimony forever. Note that both spouses are going to have to drastically downsize expenses. Yes the unemployed WW gets more $ than the working BH in this scenario!

WS fired, gets new lower paying part time job $30k/yr, no health benefit at work --->>> WS has mortgage + health insurance expenses exceeding income. BS pays $34k/yr alimony forever.

A judge may or may not consider earning potential for the unemployed BS, but in this economy the BS could make a good case for not being able to find work. If there are children, the judge may prefer the kids stay in the family house at the higher cost, which is not part of child support directly.

You are saying a person can quit their job or intentionally get fired and get paid higher alimony. That a judge can't/doesn't take that into consideration.

 

[bfree]

Eric did. But it could have gone wrong for him

Posted via Topify using iPhone/iPad

Eric was fortunate in a few ways. First, his wife's AP moved away thereby removing a potential support system. Many times the cheating spouse turns to their AP for guidance and support. Take that away and they are often left twisting in the wind. Secondly, she was able to run back to her parents therefore she didn't need as much financial support. And third, she left on Dday and never came back. That way Eric was able to sell the house and completely move away from her and the toxic environment. Not only did it help him to navigate those troubled waters but it really solidified to his stbxw that it was over and done.

 

[bfree]

And right now she is giving me almost everything I want. She's not lawyering up and I'm running the divorce show. All exposure will do is add unnessasary risk. She still likes the POS knowing full well what a scumbag he is so how will it help me? Trust me, I want to blow it up badly and I will but at this point all it will do is cause chaos.

She's not truely remorseful so there is no reason to save the marriage. As much as I would of liked too...

BD,

Of course she has feelings for him. They still see each other every day.

You need to decide what you want. If you want to try to save your marriage it is not going to happen so long as she is still working with her AP. And she will probably not show any remorse specifically because she is still in a fog. In order to break through that fog and work toward reconciliation you would need to nuke her affair and that includes her job. Only when she is totally separated from her AP and her work environment would her feelings for you begin to reassert themselves. Believe it or not, many couples have come back from such a situation to reconstruct their marriages and their lives.

If you decide that YOU don't want the marriage to continue then you are correct not to expose and take the chance that she loses her job. But looking for her to be remorseful and/or show contrition of any type is unrealistic. You cannot expect her to behave differently if the status quo remains.

Basically, you have to decide what you want and proceed accordingly. Walking the tightrope as you seem to be trying to do never really works out. Take a stand and don't waver.

 

[Chaparral]

The good news is you are getting rid of a lying, cheating wife.

The bad news is you have let the OM destroy your family. His punishment is he gets two women and struts around like the Big Rooster in the chicken yard.

The difference between men is that most would destroy his little happy harem and his livelihood if possible. Some folks are just too laid back.

How do you propose avoiding this same scenario in the future. We have many guys here that have gone through this many times and they never learn.

From your posts, it seems you still haven't read MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. (its not about sex actually) Many Many men here have proven its usefulness Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

 

[bfree]

The good news is you are getting rid of a lying, cheating wife.

The bad news is you have let the OM destroy your family. His punishment is he gets two women and struts around like the Big Rooster in the chicken yard.

The difference between men is that most would destroy his little happy harem and his livelihood if possible. Some folks are just too laid back.

How do you propose avoiding this same scenario in the future. We have many guys here that have gone through this many times and they never learn.

From your posts, it seems you still haven't read MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. (its not about sex actually) Many Many men here have proven its usefulness Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

Athol Kay has a new book out too. It takes much of what is written in MMSL and applies it to life as well as sex and marriage. Between the two books you have everythig covered.

The Mindful Attraction Plan: Your Practical Roadmap to Creating the Life, Love and Success You Want: Athol Kay: 9781490451510: Amazon.com: Books

And for those ladies who were put off by Athol's first book his second one is much more female friendly.

 

[Truthseeker1]

Athol Kay has a new book out too. It takes much of what is written in MMSL and applies it to life as well as sex and marriage. Between the two books you have everythig covered.

The Mindful Attraction Plan: Your Practical Roadmap to Creating the Life, Love and Success You Want: Athol Kay: 9781490451510: Amazon.com: Books

And for those ladies who were put off by Athol's first book his second one is much more female friendly.[/QUOTE]

He did write the first book for men...

 

[bfree]

Athol Kay has a new book out too. It takes much of what is written in MMSL and applies it to life as well as sex and marriage. Between the two books you have everythig covered.

The Mindful Attraction Plan: Your Practical Roadmap to Creating the Life, Love and Success You Want: Athol Kay: 9781490451510: Amazon.com: Books

And for those ladies who were put off by Athol's first book his second one is much more female friendly.[/QUOTE]

He did write the first book for men...

Yes he did. And it was damned effective.

 

[BetrayedDad]

The good news is you are getting rid of a lying, cheating wife.

The bad news is you have let the OM destroy your family. His punishment is he gets two women and struts around like the Big Rooster in the chicken yard.

The difference between men is that most would destroy his little happy harem and his livelihood if possible. Some folks are just too laid back.

I'm fully aware he is laughing it up but that's short term. He's not going to leave his wife so time is on my side. I will knock on OMW's door and tell her everything. A few months is inconsequential if it means getting what I want out of this divorce for my kids and home.

How do you propose avoiding this same scenario in the future.

I guess I am niave but my hope is I find another mate someday who has morals and isn't a liar and a cheat....

 

[BetrayedDad]

BD,

Of course she has feelings for him. They still see each other every day.

You need to decide what you want. If you want to try to save your marriage it is not going to happen so long as she is still working with her AP. And she will probably not show any remorse specifically because she is still in a fog. In order to break through that fog and work toward reconciliation you would need to nuke her affair and that includes her job. Only when she is totally separated from her AP and her work environment would her feelings for you begin to reassert themselves. Believe it or not, many couples have come back from such a situation to reconstruct their marriages and their lives.

If you decide that YOU don't want the marriage to continue then you are correct not to expose and take the chance that she loses her job. But looking for her to be remorseful and/or show contrition of any type is unrealistic. You cannot expect her to behave differently if the status quo remains.

Basically, you have to decide what you want and proceed accordingly. Walking the tightrope as you seem to be trying to do never really works out. Take a stand and don't waver.

I hear what your saying but at the end of the day this guy is not going to leave his wife. If he did my WS would leave me to be with him (because she is in love with this fantasy, the guy is full of it and she was stupid to believe him). So while I believe she cares about me, essentially, I am plan B. She will be with me only if he rejects her and I can't be in a marriage where I was the second choice. Nor do I want to fight to be number two. After 12 years in a relationship I deserve better than the number 2 slot.

 

[LostViking]

I hear what your saying but at the end of the day this guy is not going to leave his wife. If he did my WS would leave me to be with him (because she is in love with this fantasy, the guy is full of it and she was stupid to believe him). So while I believe she cares about me, essentially, I am plan B. She will be with me only if he rejects her and I can't be in a marriage where I was the second choice. Nor do I want to fight to be number two. After 12 years in a relationship I deserve better than the number 2 slot.

Good attitude. Keep it up.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[LostViking]

This guy will not leave his wife. You will divorce yours. As the D looms your WW will start putting more pressure on the OM, which will in turn cause him to pull back more. He may string her along for a few months, treating her as a mistress, but I think he will tire of the drama and dump her eventually.

By that time you will have detached and will be seeing her with in unclouded vision in a her ugliness. You will have started a new life. You will be treating yourself as number one. Will have improved yourself in so many ways. Hopefully you'll also have met a new woman.

The end game being that your WW ends up alone, wandering. That would be her reward.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[bfree]

Re: Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

This guy will not leave his wife. You will divorce yours. As the D looms your WW will start putting more pressure on the OM, which will in turn cause him to pull back more. He may string her along for a few months, treating her as a mistress, but I think he will tire of the drama and dump her eventually.

By that time you will have detached and will be seeing her with in unclouded vision in a her ugliness. You will have started a new life. You will be treating yourself as number one. Will have improved yourself in so many ways. Hopefully you'll also have met a new woman.

The end game being that your WW ends up alone, wandering. That would be her reward.
Posted via Mobile Device

This is most likely what will happen and why I said that BD needs to absolutely decide what HE wants and be unwavering in that decision. Because his wife is probably going to come crawling back at some point when the fantasy bubble bursts. He needs to be prepared for that. It's ok to mourn what you once had but when all is said and done that part of life is over. Even were reconciliation to take place the relationship is going to be different. So BD should not expose (yet) and get the best and quickest divorce possible. As for detaching, the 180 is great for that.

 

[Thor]

You are saying a person can quit their job or intentionally get fired and get paid higher alimony. That a judge can't/doesn't take that into consideration.

I'm saying it is judge's discretion, which is high risk as a strategy. The cause of the loss of the job might be considered but not for sure. A judge should consider the earning potential of each person, but in the real world of this economy and the trend towards part time jobs with no health care one would argue that the pay/benefits of the old job is not realistic.

If both are employed the formula is simple. They equalize the lifestyle. Basically they figure each person should have the same $ left over after paying rent and health care. If there are kids at home the custodial parent gets the added costs of the family home credited.

The concept is no longer one of providing a cushion for a short while so that the lower earner can get back on her feet or get training for a better job.

Going back to court to get the alimony changed is very expensive and uncertain.

The impact on the higher earner is enormous, and it caps his future drastically. For every additional $1 earned, the take home after additional alimony and taxes is 20 cents.

 

[livinfree]

This guy will not leave his wife. You will divorce yours. As the D looms your WW will start putting more pressure on the OM, which will in turn cause him to pull back more. He may string her along for a few months, treating her as a mistress, but I think he will tire of the drama and dump her eventually.

By that time you will have detached and will be seeing her with in unclouded vision in a her ugliness. You will have started a new life. You will be treating yourself as number one. Will have improved yourself in so many ways. Hopefully you'll also have met a new woman.

The end game being that your WW ends up alone, wandering. That would be her reward.
Posted via Mobile Device

Exactly what happened to me. There wasn't even an OMW it was a single dude.

 

[tom67]

This guy will not leave his wife. You will divorce yours. As the D looms your WW will start putting more pressure on the OM, which will in turn cause him to pull back more. He may string her along for a few months, treating her as a mistress, but I think he will tire of the drama and dump her eventually.

By that time you will have detached and will be seeing her with in unclouded vision in a her ugliness. You will have started a new life. You will be treating yourself as number one. Will have improved yourself in so many ways. Hopefully you'll also have met a new woman.

The end game being that your WW ends up alone, wandering. That would be her reward.
Posted via Mobile Device

:iagree:When she sees you moving on it may just wake her up but by then it will be too late.

 

[harrybrown]

Keep your distance from your lying wife. Start doing things for you. Get the divorce going, get some exercise and you take care of you. This will also help your children. Keep thinking about yourself, and keep respecting yourself.

 

[Chaparral]

I'm fully aware he is laughing it up but that's short term. He's not going to leave his wife so time is on my side. I will knock on OMW's door and tell her everything. A few months is inconsequential if it means getting what I want out of this divorce for my kids and home.

If you follow through it might be a first here. Most just give up during the divorce.

I guess I am niave but my hope is I find another mate someday who has morals and isn't a liar and a cheat....

That is NOT a plan. That is just shooting blind.

 

[Dyokemm]

Chaparral,

Sadly, I don't know if you are right about 'most men' being willing to smash the POS that f'd up their life.

When I first started searching infidelity websites looking for answers to why my family has such a horrible history of rugsweeping affairs, and how I was criticized for being 'unforgiving' when I booted my ex gf, I finally settled on TAM because most of the posters here were far more blunt and forceful in dealing with this crap.

Yes there are some posters here that do not support 'hardline' tactics like full exposure or making the POS AP suffer consequences.

But I can tell you, some of the other sites I read through were almost rigidly dedicated to the 'nice guy' approach in dealing with this.

Sadly, I think I have read far more threads on these websites of men afraid to fight for their self-respect than those who will take a harsh line and make sure both AP's suffer some real consequences for messing with their lives.

It's almost as if people today are afraid as h**l to stand up for themselves.

 

[BetrayedDad]

If you follow through it might be a first here. Most just give up during the divorce.

I'm going to do it period. I already asked some people I trust to come with me in case OMW goes balistic. I have a plan, I know where he lives, it's going to go down when D's settled. He's going to be exposed. I'm just on the fence about blowing up HR because of the wife getting canned and lawyering up but I have ZERO reason not to expose to the OMW. I'm not going to "give up" or "forget about it".