This was bound to happen!! I'm just very surprise that it took this long for him to make contact.
As far as you know, the "OM" doesn't know about you confronting your W about the inappropriate messages... Right? So why did he stop contacting your W?
Or....maybe he does know!!! Maybe your W did let him know that you read their messages. Maybe she told him not to contact her.

To me, the new message implies that they did talk about you confronting(hence the "personal stuff").
That's why she deleted the message!! She knows that you would have questioned her about what he meant by "personal stuff".
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Does she still have the "Albany College" pajama pants? That would be a trigger.

That first post showed what a battering ram he was using on her bedroom door and she seemed to welcome it.

Bringing up the Linkin now would seem insecure on your part. Do you believe that MMSLP type strategy can get you in the position that Jerry is in?

 

Haha no the pajama pants were in the trash within 24 hours.
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wifes texts while she was on the road.

The adjustment to her linked in profile could very well be a subtle acknowledgement of his posting.

I could never understand why people don't want to confront or have their spouse know they are suspicious of them after a betrayal. Would you rather she thought your trust in her was restored when you know it will never return to what it was or would you want her to know that you check and have good reason to do so? Sitting on this information can only be corrosive to yourself and your relationship.

Seasalt

 

She will know I'm watching, and watching everything. Don't want her having that knowledge at the moment.
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Granted I'm not a technological wizard but when people go into my linkedin account I know who they are. How are you keeping it secret?

 

I can log in as her at will. I know her password. She doesn't know that though.

You mean when people view your profile?
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I like Groundpounder's convo suggestion. Just have to have a cooling off period first.
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Sorry, Philly. I had hoped that this would have all been settled and that she would have treated this more seriously. Don't understand why she wouldn't have informed you of his fishing. Not looking good.

 

Yeah, that's a little worrying. She hasn't done anything to let Kurt know that he's crossed the line, not a single thing.

 

Philly guy have you read Jerry123's thread?

Bagdon's?

 

It may be and hopefully is nothing.

The part that I see as a concern is that she took deliberate actions- read the message and deleted it- then did not tell you about it.

She did not do that to protect you.

This was a chance for her to continue to rebuild with you and keep her end of the bargain. She made the choice not to and elected to hide it from you which means she has no trouble continuing to lie to you since she agreed to disclose such contact a week prior. Boundary crossed.

Do you have a VAR in her car?

Good luck.
wd

 

The contact attempt by Kurt was fishing at some level. Philly's wife may not be interested in Kurt now. He is after all far away. The problem really is whether she is in love with him. Does she desire him. Does he feel admired and respected by her.

A man's stock goes up and down in his wife's eyes based on all sorts factors, some beyond his control. If a man has bad breath he can brush his teeth. If there is a rotting wisdom tooth, he can get it pulled. If he loses his job because his employer contracts its work force, he may not be able to solve the problem quickly. He may not find a job at the same pay level.

At the end of the day, there needs to be some sort of chemistry, some deeper affection. Sometimes we cannot get people to love us the way we want to be loved. We can only be happy and hope they love us for whom we are.

The EA or maybe it was PA with Kurt is not actual in Philly's day-to-day life.

How fulfilling does he find their marriage? What would his wife say if asked the question?

 

VAR went back in car this week.

Yes I have trust issues. No, before the November incident she never gave me reason not to trust her. Her actions since have been slightly suspect. I had a GF And good friend in college that were sleeping around behind my back. Also have friends who cheat very easily. So I tend to go with my gut with these things because it can happen to anyone (as we see here on TAM)

Our marriage before and in spite of all this was pretty good. Sex life was lacking a year ago but much better now. Yes we quibble- she spends a bit too much, I tend to get impatient with the kids. She wants a dog, I want to wait on that lol. Minor stuff IMO.

This was a guy that supported her career one of her only managers to truly do so in the 10-12 years at the bank. Even when we worked together, she consistently had the highest numbers but was lowest paid. Female in mid 20s, not a lot of experience, in a good ol boys network. This guy came along and promoted her, supported her. Finally she had a manager that supported her career. And now I accuse him of having ulterior motives (I believe he did). So in a way I'm invalidating her career and hardwork by accusing him of wanting her/ basically I'm saying he was promoting her because of his desire for her, not that she actually deserved it. (She did and was long overdue for a promotion, but I think he did it for he wrong reasons, the fact that she deserved it was beside the point). She maintained he was drunk and nothing would have happened.
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VAR went back in car this week.

Yes I have trust issues. No, before the November incident she never gave me reason not to trust her. Her actions since have been slightly suspect. I had a GF And good friend in college that were sleeping around behind my back. Also have friends who cheat very easily. So I tend to go with my gut with these things because it can happen to anyone (as we see here on TAM) Your history with friends and family I can understand the caution and trust issues. I got the crappy end of the stick from my fiance'. Took a long time to trust another.

Our marriage before and in spite of all this was pretty good. Sex life was lacking a year ago but much better now. Yes we quibble- she spends a bit too much, I tend to get impatient with the kids. She wants a dog, I want to wait on that lol. Minor stuff IMO. These are not minor. Specifically with the spending and impatience with the kids. As far as a dog. They become a wonderful addition to the home and family. At least in my world. As far as the spending, she makes money, yes? IMO she should be allowed to spend as she sees fit as long as the bills are met. Learn to be patient with the kids. Short fuses do not work well in any situation.

This was a guy that supported her career one of her only managers to truly do so in the 10-12 years at the bank. Even when we worked together, she consistently had the highest numbers but was lowest paid. Female in mid 20s, not a lot of experience, in a good ol boys network. This guy came along and promoted her, supported her. Finally she had a manager that supported her career. And now I accuse him of having ulterior motives (I believe he did). I believe you are right and it was moving in that direction. Perhaps your wife did not see this. Me being a male see the writing on the wall in big neon colors.


So in a way I'm invalidating her career and hardwork by accusing him of wanting her/ basically I'm saying he was promoting her because of his desire for her, not that she actually deserved it. Look at the facts. He was let go. She retained her job at the same firm. That tells me they value her as an employee. Why was her boss fired? Figures not there? Spent to much time on the bottle while at the conferences?


(She did and was long overdue for a promotion, but I think he did it for he wrong reasons, the fact that she deserved it was beside the point). She maintained he was drunk and nothing would have happened. Here is the issue for me. She is out with a man drinking at a bar. I'm sorry, in my world as well as my wife's this does does not happen. I do not go to bars with GF drinking buddies/coworkers. Never would I put myself in a situation that could promote impropriety. My wife reciprocates the same. For me she was on the wrong path with going to the bar and having a great time with a male coworker. That type of activity is for you and she to have. I almost view this a BF/GF relationship not coworkers business relationship. Would it have been swell if she came home and you suggested to go for a few drinks and see what happens to which she says, "No thanks just had a good drinking time with the boss. I'm relaxing today." You are there holding the bag as her energies were directed to OM. For me, work is work and not a time to experience good times with others that I should very well be spending with my wife. Just the way I view our world.

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"She maintained he was drunk and nothing would have happened."

This would not give me a warm fuzy!! So, if he didn't drink (?) what would be the boundaries?

 

Hey, Philly,

I think Toby is right--the "personal stuff" is the previous drama surrounding your W and Kurt and your reaction to it. She must have told him about it.

To me it doesn't sound like she is especially glad to have heard from him--probably would just as soon not have. But she still doesn't get that the minidrama that might occur if she told you about this contact is nothing compared to the drama that hiding it from you could cause.

 

He is not in position now to "support your wife's career".

His intentions, promoting and supporting a deserving employee were called into question by his own actions. Not yours. If any invalidation of her success at the bank occurred. He was responsible for that with the inappropriate texts. Do not take ownership of his actions.

The part that is conserning is her complete willingness to defend him and hide this from you. Your previously tankin sex life, did that coincide time wise with his messages and attention to her?
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In the past, you opened the door for her to get personally close to another man where she discussed her personal stuff (meaning her dissatisfaction in her marriage to you most likely).

Have YOU closed that door? You list three ways that you are making her unhappy. 1. Complaining about her spending. This is not a small issue. 2. Impatient with the kids. Again, not a small issue. 3. Wants a dog.... I don't know.

You have to remove the things you are doing that cause her dissatisfaction. #1 and #2 were certainly things that greatly harmed my marriage.

 

Actually, Turnera, that scenario sounds very reasonable. I hope that you're correct.

 

I understand that. But remember that SHE didn't come here and get 'schooled' in all things Cheater. She doesn't see the logic behind why it's needed. She's going off of wanting to keep the marriage, keep him from being stressed, and not being pummeled emotionally. She likely has never been educated in why 100% honesty is now the rule of the day, she saw it as some vague need he has that she didn't understand, and so she made an executive decision, since she has no intention of ever contacting this guy again and just wants it to go away. At least she didn't contact the dude (even to just tell him to leave her alone) and THEN not tell PG.

 

Schooled? Phillyguys13 request of being transparent and forthcoming if contact is made requires no schooling It is not an extreme request of PG13. The logic here is call honesty no matter the consequences. Honesty is always the rule of the day and does not require education. Phillyguy13 did not ask for his wife to go on a binge with the boss with subsequent text messages that get deleted once found out. If she wants it to go away and get the trust back in the relationship then honoring the request of Phillyguy13 to advise when contact is made will help in doing that. As of now not advising Phillyguy is creating more needless stress in her life. Quite possibly eat away at her until she spills it. IMO executive decisions concerning this relationship with the now xboss are left to Phillyguy13.

It is yet to be seen if she contact the OM and advise to take a long walk off a short pier. For now it is smoldering in LinkedIn.

 

Well one thing for sure is you got lucky that convo came up on iPad. I would def see that would have led to a PA.

I was in similar situation with a woman fishing me. Our kids are same age so she would text me for a play date last year. We did a few and I began to notice her texting me about non kid related things. Then at one point she basically hinted towards having an affair with me. I shot it down with some clever answers and I figured she was done. But alas 6-7 months later she was fishing again.

To keep the drama out I basically deleted her texts so my wife would not see them. Heck yeah, the attention was nice but I have boundaries. I wasnt trying to hide things from my wife. Just figured why throw gas on the fire. This woman now knows not to text me anymore.

I agree, your wife should not be drinking with a guy. Liquor can be a disaster while she is away on trip without you. I would tell her it's not acceptable to be drinking with a guy on trips. Case closed. If she objects then things need to be pointed out.

Biggest red flag was her making sure ipad did not pop up texts where you can see them. And her not explaining in those texts to him that his convo was a no-no. She kept feeding him while he fished. Which means she enjoyed it.

I would tell her, everytime he contacts her you need to know. You won't be pissed at all if she tells you. You'd be more pissed if she does not.

Then, if it happens again and you find out she deleted then Present evidence and there has to be consiquences.
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I see your point and agree in most cases. In this one, it's a bit harsh. Keep in mind TAM folks are a bit jaded with various experiences. TAM assumes guilt until proven maybe a bit not almost guilty due to lack of affirmative evidence that something did not, has not and will not happen.

Proving a negative is like sex with condors... Kind of rare.

 

So in a way I'm invalidating her career and hardwork by accusing him of wanting her/ basically I'm saying he was promoting her because of his desire for her, not that she actually deserved it.

IS this something she said? This is a weird direction to go, when it occurred basically after he was gone. If it ended up this way early in her career, I could see your logic. It took him getting removed or leaving, for him to push the boundaries, it doesn't invalidate her hard work. Let it go or have a talk. You keep chasing YOU are going to be the one who needs counseling.

She didn't contact him and there hasn't been further contact.

 

With exception of contact on LinkedIn initiated by OM a few days ago and PG13 was not privvy to the information as he requested if such contact was made. W has not returned a reply. That is a good thing. However, not advising PG13 is not a good thing. It was a simple request of PG13. Now it is a secret.

H and W keep secrets....about Christmas presents! Not something like this. It degrades trust.

 

Maybe you could tell her you feel the need to go over boundaries again. Mention what she has agreed to and ask her if she understands and if she has any questions. This will give her another opportunity to come clean or lie through her teeth.

The thing is, this is part of the script for affair partners to start fishing after being caught and letting things settle down and then try to hook up again.

He may know she will be coming to his town in the fall. There are many ways she could have answered this contact without you knowing about it. Hasn't she already tried to hide the message and then break her word about revealing any contact.

That total transparency isn't in effect is just wrong.

 

The thing is, this is part of the script for affair partners to start fishing after being caught and letting things settle down and then try to hook up again.
:iagree:


That total transparency isn't in effect is just wrong.
:iagree:

 

You are paranoid/anxious constantly about this. You do not trust your wife. She may or may not be committed to this. Even if she is, and Kurt is nothing but a guy making too many passes, your desire to treat her like a child - here's what you can do, here's what you can't, I have to know where you are, who you're with, what you say - that's not a marriage, it's a daycare. I can't figure out why people support this kind of situation. I mean....can you ever envision being happy in this relationship again? If so....at what cost?? I just feel so bad for both of you....this is no way to live.

 

your desire to treat her like a child - here's what you can do, here's what you can't, I have to know where you are, who you're with, what you say - that's not a marriage, it's a daycare.

Well, only when it comes to being out with other dudes. Guess I'm old fashioned that way.
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Thanks for all the responses. Just got in after a day trip with my son. Will try to answer some questions sorry if I miss some.

Kurt was downsized after some managers positions got combined... He was one of the odd men out, performance related, seniority, or otherwise why he didn't stay not sure.

We have access to each other's passwords. Her email is always open on the iPad. She reactivated all messaging on her iPad before the February trip and it has been activated since. Facebook as well. She knows I used to snoop, and she may or may not think I still snoop. She has never used a LinkedIn app, however it's he same password as her emails which I previously knew. Yes all my passwords and codes are written down for her if she ever wants them.

Yes, I have tried to be correct my own faults. I don't sweat minor purchases. We have some cc debt but it's manageable. I abhor debt it keeps me up at night despite being in lending for 15 years myself lol. But it's noting overwhelming. I just ask she consult with me before any big purchases. Our income is almost identical these days. The kids yes I need to be more patient with. Please know when I say short fuse it's not physical or abusive in any way. I admit the fuse got a lot shorter over the past year when all this went down but i try to be more patient.

The dog issue, well I'm not anti-dog per se. I travel a lot for work, she travels a little. Two kids will be 4-6 later this fall. We travel a lot on weekends to see family 2-3 hours away, so a dog would be difficult. Part of the issue is her parent's 11 yo dog is dying. He's a great dog. Family is very sad about it. So trying to be diplomatic. A friend from her work was selling retriever pups for $1000. I had to be the bad guy as we don't have $1000 lying around. Also just seems like a lot. But it has to be a retriever and or golden lab mix.

Sex life is improving. It was roller coaster for long time. Wife was pregnant within 6 months of marriage. Lost the baby three months in (Xmas Eve- our first Xmas married together). Got pregnant again soon after. We took it easy on sex during pregnancy. C-section, healthy baby, but long recovery time. Pregnant again a year later, some complications, advised to have no sex. Healthy baby number 2. Wife gained some weight, tough to lose, didn't want to have sex very often. Maybe 1-2 a month. Keep in mind I'm always a horny SOB and would gladly every day/night. Been dieting on and off and looks good now, though was never an issue for me (lost. 25-30 pounds over last year.) sex up to 1-2 a week, down from 2-3 a week after November incident.
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Kurt left and now shows his colors. He's an ass. Simple as that.