Sorry I forgot to add that. Yup, confronted and huge fight. Claims she thought I was only in it for the kids too. I don't know where the hell she came up with that. She stated has been lonely and needed someone to talk to and claims that she finally got my attention. Like she really had this all planned out to get my attention.

We have had a some of fights about her being on the internet all the time and not fulfilling her mom role.

As our marriage. Been married 13 yrs today. Had our ups and downs. Same thing with most marriages, after a while and kids, I haven't wooed her like I should have and we both haven't made time for each other the last few years. She is a RN and her schedule is she works evenings and I work during the day with different days off. So yes, we don't spend enough time together.

 

If you have to beg borrow or steal, get/ download the two books linked to below from B&N or amazon. The MMSLP book is just for you, NOT JUST FRIENDS is for you both. These books have brought many marriages back to what they are supposed to be.

Put the romance back in your marriage, never stop dating your wife.

Also, your wife is in one of the top two or three fields for cheating. another also, separate shifts for couples are toxic to marriage.

 

Been there. The biggest takeaway I've gotten (really we've both gotten) is to just make more time for each other. It's tough. We have two young children, no family in area, we both travel for work. Bit we've been making much more of an effort so that's been good.

The excuse that she did it so you would notice it excuse seems flimsy. Like my wife she probably appreciated the attention on some level. Are you satisfied that nothing is going on? Sounds like you are. And you've found nothing in a while. Just keep your radar up.

And happy anniversary. Any plans?
Posted via Mobile Device

 

We are defiantly in the same boat. Have relatives in area, but they are snowbirds and have left till may. We will have to figure out something.
I know her excuse was BS. That's why I was pissed and she should not better with my professional background and training when dealing with interrogating people. ( no I am not LE)

Radar is on high alert, I know I haven't found anything yet, Like I said, I think I might have caught and stopped it before it could bloom. But with her on the internet all the time, she might have something underground.

Thanks, nothing real special, we went out to dinner with our girls and went to a movie "lego movie" and then mommy and daddy wrestling when the girls were asleep.

 

BBF, that "only staying in it for the kids" comment may have been intended as a set-up to escalate the level of intimate conversation with d*****bag. PhillyGuy is wise: keep that radar up.

 

I agree and Radar will not go down anytime soon.

 

Like Chapparel said - Never stop dating your wife.

I mean, honestly, why should you, once you get married, change that dynamic? It's like a bait-and-switch (a Bad Thing (tm))

Wives, and husbands need to be dated, pursued, cherished, and not taken for granted.

Occasionally my wife will say 'it's ok, I'm a sure thing' - and that's nice to hear. But it's my job to make sure she keeps feeling that way.
A wife is not just a mother, and a husband is not just a father. They are also (and primarily) lovers.
With any luck, that's how they became parents in the first case.

'The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother'

Now, in this forum, these sorts of things are in many cases too late. But for some - both PG and BFF - it looks like not.

Being romantic isn't the same as being a Nice Guy. It's about being the sort of person that makes your wife go weak at the knees (and other parts.) Exactly what that entails can vary a bit depending on the woman - but generally they like assertive, confident men.
(Not the flip side, which is aggressive and arrogant.)
Men who are attentive (but not needs)
Committed (but not insecure)

Of course, for those men for whose relationship it is too late - well, it works in the next one (once the dead one is buried.)

Time together, both with and (critically) without the children - and without electronic distractions - are an absolute must. Date nights are not optional.

 

I agree, I know I have taken my eyes of the ball sometimes and need to focus more on little things.

 

BBF seriously start the thread dude.

Chap, Looking for the Reddit post.

Warning SERIOUS TRIGGER!

http://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/x2o41/husbands_of_redditim_the_man_****ing_your_wife/

found it. Shows the psych games they use. Read between the lines too.

http://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/x4qx0/update_husbands_of_redditim_the_man_****ing_your/
the follow up

 

BBF seriously start the thread dude.

Chap, Looking for the Reddit post.

Warning SERIOUS TRIGGER!

Husbands of Reddit....I'm the man ****ing your wife. : confession

found it. Shows the psych games they use. Read between the lines too.

[Update] Husbands of Reddit....I'm the man ****ing your wife. : confession
the follow up

I'm waiting to start my own when I get into the private area. Don't want certain eyes to see what my game plan and playbook details are. Yes she knows I have been looking on TAM. Just doesn't know I became a member.

I read those reddit post and the author is an assh_le.

 

PIILLY. LOL. I dont have HBO. Wtf am i gonna do with the updates? Btw when is next cleve trip? (Answer in your thread)

I'll send you my HBO login

Nothing to really update. No Cleveland trips scheduled. We will see if there is one in the fall...

Still been zero contact. No linkedin, Facebook, texts or calls.

I'm not checking constantly. I check the verizon account online once a month or so. Months ago she reactivated her iMessages on the iPad, so I view them at leisure.a

Anniversary is this week. Dinner plans. We are gong away for a week with kids in a few weeks and then alone for a weekend mid July. We've both been active on projects around the house and yard.

Sex has slowed down a bit from when we were HB to my chagrin. 1-2 a week. That part annoys me. I nag for more. Better than 1 a month but I have my needs
Posted via Mobile Device

 

Sex has slowed down a bit from when we were HB to my chagrin. 1-2 a week. That part annoys me. I nag for more. Better than 1 a month but I have my needs
Posted via Mobile Device

Speak about it and agree on 3 times a week.

Schedule time for it, it will cost some sleep but return more in energy and health. Intimacy is the key.

 

Stop nagging. Women hate that. They're waiting for you to TAKE THEM.

 

I suppose that's may be true when you are married to them?












ha ha...

 

Yes that's hit or miss. Sometimes she pushes me off, gives me the "Im too tired"
Otherwise things are good. Not complaining.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

Well, yeah.

 

Philly
MMSLP follow it as best you can.
Jerry123 is a sahd and still gets hit on constantly.
I know he is the exception.
You are a great guy and have contributed often here sometimes we can't see the forest through the trees so to speak.
Okay I'll shut up.

 

The more i work out the more i get hit on...LOL


Now it's spring and hot out i've built a nice tan to go along with muscles. My wife loves it, sex has gone up to 2-3 times a week and one weekend it was 4X in 2 days.

And damn, the grocery stores are where i get hit on the most. One woman even followed me a few aisles and wrote her number down, gave it to me, i said i'm flattered but married, she said I..Don't..Care. Walked away. I showed the number to my wife, she promptly ripped it up and that night had crazy sex.

 

great workjerry123

be careful don't get caught speeding

 

Good for you Jerry. Please leave a pile a crapola in your neighbors tractor next time you see him. Have a fun beach vacation this summer. You deserve it!
Posted via Mobile Device

 

Good for you Jerry. Please leave a pile a 💩 in your neighbors tractor next time you see him. Have a fun beach vacation this summer. You deserve it!
Posted via Mobile Device

Ha!! I see him in his yard once in a while but I just drive by. He's looking like crap. Big belly and sloppy clothes.

Thanks, I will enjoy my vaca.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

So last week a member here PMed me to see how things were going. Everything seemed (and is) OK.

Then did my usual sweep of accounts. It had been a few weeks. emails, Facebook, iPad, phone. LinkedIn.

Discovered on July 30 OM sent wife a Linkedin connection request:

"Kurt":

Hey AP I hope the job and personal stuff is all going well - Busy times in my new gig but figured I would drop you a note. Keep in touch and if I can ever help with anything let me know.

- Kurt

Quoted verbatim . (AP is her initials/nickname)

This was last Wednesday that I found it. I immediately checked her iPad- she saw the message and deleted it. It came up when I finger swipe searched the iPad. She read and deleted the email. Trash emptied when I went to pull the email up on iPad, but i got it through her linkedin anyway.

Now, his LinkedIn request is still sitting out there. She hasn't responded. She did go on LinkedIn herself 3/4 days ago and updated her skills and picture. No messages sent or received.

Then spent 3 days hiking mountains in NH. Haven't said anything and don't plan on it. Did take screenshots and emailed them to myself, I don't want to alert her to my vigilance over this. But I'm pissed she didn't tell me he contacted her, especially since just the week prior we had a convo and she said there has been no contact. One of my friends said she didn't tell me to spare me the drama. Maybe. Like I said not going to mention it, since it then blows my cover.

Now, there is now way she would accept his request, since I'm connected to her it would show up in my feed. So it's just sitting there. His message seems to confirm there hasn't been contact in a long while. His use of the phrase "personal stuff" is interesting, though I could be reading into it. If I was innocently sending a former colleague a message, I'd have written "family" instead of "personal stuff"

No - she has no trips to Cleveland scheduled as of now. We will see when November rolls around again if there is a meeting out there. I was hoping to NOT Have to worry about a PI but it looks like I better start saving my pennies again.

Here's the thing. I've told her if anything happens, one of us is out the door. And maybe it's all my time on here. If it happens it happens. It almost feels business like. Not nearly the anxiety of last year. I almost feel like whatever- f--k it. Tired of worrying about it.

Anyway just venting. Not really looking for advice per se. Keeping eyes peeled while continuing to play dumb husband.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

Hmm:scratchhead:
For now I will go with what your friend said and she didn't want the drama.
As long as she doesn't respond.

 

I agree with you, say nothing but continue to be vigilant. on a lighter note
Did you hit the presidential range in the white mountains...i have done them all of them several times....and did you hit Sabbath Day Falls off the Kang?

 

You have a right to be pissed that she didn't tell you, but she's scared you'd leave her, even if she was not the instigator.

Keep an eye on it. Sucks that this came up again and you have to deal with all that garbage...again.

 

Well, good, bad or ugly, communication is best. I think friends are right about avoiding drama, but the point is to communicate.

Give her time, she'll say something. Remember, she may be outraged too and does not want to upset you. The contact is not her fault, but how she handles it is her responsibility.

Vigilance - as you've recommended yourself.

The prick seems to be fishing, though. That's his problem not hers.

 

Nope we hiked Franconia notch mountains- Lafayette, Little haystack and parts of Mt Liberty.

It was the first outdoorsy thing I've ever done and I kept up with all my jock friends. Camped, fire, cigars and whisky. So was proud of myself, even though they aren't the highest mountains and it's August as opposed to January.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

Next step...get on this show.

 

Phillyguy13,

Does not want the drama? Let me say this...if she wants your trust back she should have immediately shown you the Linked In contact. You requested she advise contact. Your trust in her would have been returned if she had shown the contact. Currently she is hiding this. Married couples do not hide anything...no matter the drama it might generate.

My wife as contacted on FB by a old dope of a BF. You know...be my friend on FB. More than likely fishing. Anyway, she saw it and told me immediately. Said she hides nothing. This builds trust. The Not Now button was pressed. We move on secure in our future. Your wife should have done the same in my opinion.

 

Yup she should have. Thus my annoyance.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

He's fishing. And she didn't tell you. I don't agree she didn't tell you because she just didn't want the drama. I'm sure she didn't want drama but she presumably knows she has to say if there's any contact whether that brings drama or not.

You have nothing but time so you are right to take it easy and monitor.

 

If your wife travels for work and so does the OM, then they could probably arrange to meet in virtually any city. Especially if he is the boss and sets his own schedule. Doesn't sound like they are communicating though from the Linkedin messages, but if they start, you should worry about more than just Cleveland.

 

I don't think they work for the same company anymore is that right?

Did you have a clear understanding that she was to inform you if he contacted her again? Also, did this ever get so far as to send a no contact letter?

 

No no no.

It's lying by omission. Don't dress it up to be anything other than because it's a slippery slope from here on in.

I think it's very clear. If he contacts again, tell me. The source of so much trouble and angst, the request is very simple. Tell me. Be honest with me. And yet she isn't.

That request is like a memento. A keepsake, because she could have easily rejected the request and you might never have found out but she keeps it around, why? Because she still has a soft spot for him? The same reason she's not telling you?

I really don't buy this she didn't want to rock the boat, because she really did nothing wrong, she didn't reach out to OM, he did to her, but what happens after that is all her.

So essentially you're back to square one. Investigating, mistrusting, is this the rest of your life?

 

I understand why you didn't ask her about the OM fishing on FB for her. Why give her notice on a message that she hasn't responded to(yet).

How ever, if the subjuct of trust, etc., comes up in the near future, I would out right tell her what you expect.

If the OM, or any other man contacts you for an non-work related thing. I EXPECT to be told about it.

If I ever find out the you have in the future, or HAD IN THE PAST been contacted and you don't tell me... It's not going to end well.

Here's your only chance. I will not get mad at you. If someone(OM) has contacted you to connect on a personal level, I need to know.

If you got/get contacted, it's not your fault.

If you don't tell me about it, IT IS your fault.

Lay it all out, remind her of the consequences and tell her that you won't get mad at her.

If she tells you about the FB contact, great. Tell her that you understand why she was affraid to tell you about it as not to hurt you, but that not telling you about would hurt much more. Thank you and just be honest from here on out.

If she doesn't tell you... Well she's either still too afraid of what you reaction will be, or...

 

Yup- all contact is to be reported.

they no longer work together. She travels rarely for work- 2-3 overnight trips a year. His travel schedule? No idea. New job with new company. International banking position. I'm sure there is travel involved.

No, a no-contact letter was not sent. I didn't want to give him ammunition to pursue my wife when she was out there.

GP- agree I need to have that conversation (again) though not right now, so soon after the linkedin request, would raise too many suspicions that I'm monitoring her.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

Of course the prick has not yet been notified he's a jerk by anyone, so his behavior should be expected.

Perhaps when she tells you, she should then demand he stop harassing her. Possibly copy his new HR dept? Then she should tell her friends he's a prick. Perhaps they've been tolerating the same crap.