[Mr.Fisty]

Since she is going to bring on the chaotic factor, they need a safe harbor for stability. You cannot stop her from introducing the OM and that is dumb on her own end as children like to form attachments. The only time someone should introduce a partner is when the relationship is stable for a long time, not during some magical high of a new relationship.

Is it too late to add in a clause where she cannot introduce a new man until the divorce is over for at least a year? I am banking that their relationship will not last that long but who knows. I highly doubt she will agree with that on her own without it. You really do not want her to introduce a string of men into their lives as this will affect how they will treat relationship. The best you can do is litigate some of her being a poor role model by being an exemplary one yourself.

 

[inging]

Oh this is priceless. She really is playing by the handbook!

She genuinely believes that this will all work out. The Unicorns saddled up and flying in formation.

No you will not be friends. Friends stab you in the Front

It will take longer than the Divorce to come though so just duck and cover for a while. Stay away from her and never answer her phone calls. Always call her back a bit later. It will drive her crazy and give you a chuckle when she gets annoyed. Petty but we all deserve a chuckle.

 

[Lostinthought61]

Melrose have you and the OM wife spoken? Perhaps you should if only to compare notes...there is power in numbers.

 

[Melrose8888]

Xenote - nope, I did want to tell her (my moral stance that she had the right to know) but all my mates told me not to take responsibility for that (and any fall out) and my IC said the same "he needs to tell her".
That said, the STBXW did admit on Friday, that the OM wife doesn't know about her...
But what would be the benefit now anyway?

 

[Melrose8888]

Is it too late to add in a clause where she cannot introduce a new man until the divorce is over for at least a year?

Mediation is writing up that Divorce date is the target - that said, as I am the petitioner, that date is in my control, (STBXW could push for final D but only 6 months plus 6 weeks after Nisi is issued)

 

[inging]

Xenote - nope, I did want to tell her (my moral stance that she had the right to know) but all my mates told me not to take responsibility for that (and any fall out) and my IC said the same "he needs to tell her".
That said, the STBXW did admit on Friday, that the OM wife doesn't know about her...
But what would be the benefit now anyway?

I thought you had told her.. You need to tell her now. She is being gaslighted and is about to be hit even harder than you were. Would you want to be told? Yep thought so. Keep it factual and brief. Leave contact details if she wants to talk further.

 

[Tatsuhiko]

There is a good chance this will all end up as a big disaster for your STBXW. You really know nothing about the relationship between OM and his wife. It's possible that he's lying to your wife and is still fully-engaged in his marriage. He's telling his wife that he's "working late" etc., but having regular sex with her. When his wife gets wind of the affair, OM might do everything in his power to save his own marriage, going no contact with your STBXW. She might have an epiphany at that point.

I think you have an ethical obligation to tell his wife. No betrayed spouse should be kept in the dark about the real nature of their marriage.

 

[Melrose8888]

I hear what you and inging are saying but aside from morals (of which I do agree), what benefit is this going to be to me now? I have the financial agreement lined up, agreement to have my boys 50% of the time and I don't want anything to do with the ex.

From the texts I've seen from him as recently as last week (yes, I know they could be BS) it all seems over on his side too, e.g. OM wife angry that he is moving out and leaving the kids behind, wants financial security etc.

This sounds harsh to the OM wife but it's not my problem, I need to look after myself now, not get involved in the other marriage that clearly has / had major issues as much as mine did, if the OM is doing what my STBXW did to me.

 

[turnera]

You can tell her after the divorce is final.

 

[Nucking Futs]

Thanks all for your continued support and reminding me that (most of the time) I am doing the right thing.

My feelings today? Relief, a hint of peace and a hint of expectation.

Why? Because I came home from a weekend away with my kids and, as agreed, the ex had actually moved all of her things out of the house into her new rental. It felt less sad than I was expecting and actually gave me hope for my future.

Plus, she just sent back the divorce acknowledgement papers, so we are well on the way to Decree Nisi.

Also, mediation on Friday went nearly as well as I could have hoped on the finance front, we arrived at a figure that just about allows me to take on the mortgage and stay in the home with the boys. On paper, it looks as though I am getting a decent deal (but it's all for the stability of the boys, nothing done here out of spite), so until the mediation paperwork is signed, the consent order is officially drafted and the court stamps it, I will remain guarded but given we both want out ASAP, I hope this will pass OK in next 6-8 weeks.

She did make some non financial demands: 1) don't tell her work about the fact she is ****ing her boss 2) That she wants us to communicate better 3) she wants me to meet the OM so we can all move on and be friends (!!!) 4) She asked how I knew where she was all the time, if I had put a tracker on her! (told her I actually just found clues, texts and blagged the rest!)

The co-parenting plan started OK too, I let the ex take the lead, still agree in 50/50 and I simple ended by saying, I want to parent the boys exactly as I do now but without your direct input and support, so I will communicate in appropriate means as and when. However, I did then ask her when she was hoping to introduce the POSOM to the boys. She started by saying that OM is going to be a big part of her life, expects them to be together and he has a lot to offer the children (I hated that expression, for some reason), so she wants him to meet them ASAP...

I refused on the grounds that, the boys need stability in transitioning to our new shared living arrangements and according to her timeline (!), her and the OM have only known each other 9 months and been in a 'relationship' since early December and no one really knows what he is like, especially around someone else's kids. She reluctantly agreed to use Divorce date as a target for first meeting but I expect she will ignore that and have him stay over when they are all there next week.

If I were you I'd let her know that if she breaks the agreement about the kids meeting OM you'll immediately inform HR.

I hear what you and inging are saying but aside from morals (of which I do agree), what benefit is this going to be to me now?

What benefit do we get from helping you? What benefit was it to me to give you that advice above? Don't be so selfish, tell her.

 

[Satya]

If you want to wait that's your choice, but perhaps the om's wife will feel like a right idiot when she learns AFTER her divorce that her husband was cheating. She may feel entitled to more recompense than she was allowed to pursue due to lack of knowledge. Entirely your choice though.

 

[Melrose8888]

OK, so I know you guys are right. I really feel for her and I know I'd want to know if it were reserved.

But yes, I am being selfish for the first time in ages, because I've worked so damn hard to get what I need from this sh1tstorm. Telling would risk it all, given how unstable the STBXW is acting at the moment.

Is it fair enough to wait until the consent order for boys and finances is sealed, then tell? 6 weeks, probably.

 

[Melrose8888]

If I were you I'd let her know that if she breaks the agreement about the kids meeting OM you'll immediately inform HR.

Great idea, had missed that opportunity - thanks!

 

[sokillme]

OK, so I know you guys are right. I really feel for her and I know I'd want to know if it were reserved.

But yes, I am being selfish for the first time in ages, because I've worked so damn hard to get what I need from this sh1tstorm. Telling would risk it all, given how unstable the STBXW is acting at the moment.

Is it fair enough to wait until the consent order for boys and finances is sealed, then tell? 6 weeks, probably.

I think it's fair to wait but not forever, remember you have suffered through this, part of the pain you are going through right now is that you don't know the full details. There is another human being out there who may be feeling the same thing, and you may have it in your hands to help her. What kind of person do you want to be? Do you want your wives bitter actions to change you to be "selfish" as you call it?

Part of recovery is using a terrible event to get stronger as a person. It's like morally and emotionally lifting weights. You can take pride in knowing you are a better person than a lying cheat like your wife. It talks some of the sting away because she gave up you (a decent person who went out of his way to help someone being abused) to be with the guy doing the abusing, and even helping him do it. Then later when he moves on (and he will) and your wife is being particularly difficult you can throw it in her face. "Oh and by the way I told his wife." Fun.

If it was me I would tell her anonymously and if I was asked by my wife I would deny deny deny. This is a workplace affair it's not like others don't know about it. After everything is done, I would introduce myself to the wife and explain why I did it anonymously. Probably take her out for drinks too.

 

[Evinrude58]

Take care of you. Once you are able without injury to yourself or those dependent upon you, then do what you can to give the other man's wife the full story.

You are thinking and acting wisely.
Keep it up.

 

[farsidejunky]

Get the agreement signed before you tell the OM wife.

Period.

 

[2ntnuf]

Xenote - nope, I did want to tell her (my moral stance that she had the right to know) but all my mates told me not to take responsibility for that (and any fall out) and my IC said the same "he needs to tell her".
That said, the STBXW did admit on Friday, that the OM wife doesn't know about her...
But what would be the benefit now anyway?

Depends on how court proceedings go. I think it's a good idea to talk to her later on, if you desire to close some loopholes and she's willing and needing some answers, too. I think she will, since she is going to be blindsided. She has a husband who makes good money and is taking care of her. She will want to hammer him as hard as she can and take all she can get from him for now and the future. She may need information from you to do that.

It's up to you what happens. They won't likely tell her how to get in touch with you.

Also, your wife asked you not to say anything to her. Why? Because she is worried he will lose too much when she finds out the truth. I think he deserves to lose as mush as possible. I think that because of what he did to your children. I know they are older and probably have seen this coming, but it has to hurt them, too.

Don't know if this AP has children, but if he does, he did this the wrong way and hurt them, too.

In the end, I wouldn't willy nilly tell her or anyone, but I might let someone else send her an untraceable message letting her know you(or there is information available) do have information if needed or maybe just that you are willing to talk. I wouldn't tell her you are willing to talk unless your divorce is finished.

There will be members with more ideas on how to do this, if you decide to take it further. There will be some who say no way. Don't do it. Ultimately, if it doesn't hurt you or your children and helps the AP's ex and his children, I think it is right to do and almost a responsibility. If it isn't.

You have to take care of you and your children first, though. Don't jeopardize your deal. Get it signed and done and then you can decide about this. I hope this goes as quick as you think it will. If you have what you want and the best you can get out of this mess, you might want to keep things quiet till it's finished.

 

[2ntnuf]

If his ex is decent looking, you two could hook up and get all that anger out in sex. I know that's crazy. Someone here did that before. I can't remember the circumstances. I was an errant thought.

 

[Tron]

Get the agreement signed before you tell the OM wife.

Period.

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

As soon as there is a point where there is no going back on the agreement then do it.

 

[KaggyBear]

your wife sounds terrible. give up