[Melrose8888]

Hi all, quick update and ask for opinion, as I head to mediation.

To set the scene, I don't want R, I want out, fast (divorce petition was actually served to her on Weds) and to do that I want to be able to keep home for our boys, by settling 50/50 on all assets but 70/30 on house (as I put in 75% of deposit three years ago), she pays lump sum child maintenance (as higher earner = £25k) and I let slide that her pensions are £15k more valuable than mine.

Do any of these revelations change the above:

1) She continues to claim 'no overlap'. Her timeline supposedly read (with dates based on my snooping) is:

April - She starts new job, meets boss for first time
June - gets promoted
1 Nov - gets very big (temporary but likely to be perm) promotion
11 Nov - we talked about unhappiness in marriage
14 Nov - She stayed in hotel with boss for team nigh tout, after that her comms to me were different (fewer texts, no kisses, no intimacy)
21 Nov - Asked me for space, which I gave by staying at friends and at this stage we are in MC, my aim / hope to R
9 Dec - I was suspicious and found she was staying in hotel with him that evening
12 Dec - I asked is she having affair. She denied and said just friend in a similar situation, eventually admits to kissing but 'no overlap'
13 Dec - I ask for R, she refused, I filed for D
Since then - she continues to text and call, see him at work (obvs, as her boss!) and staying in hotels with him. Claims sex only happened on 27 Dec for first time.

For me, you don't just go from unhappy to opening your heart, kissing, cuddling with no previous emotional relationship prior to that (I have no hard evidence prior to 14 Nov but can see from FB history, she was searching for him since June and looking at ways out from September). Point is, if I hadn't snooped around and uncovered the infidelity, I would still be none the wiser, even today.

2) They are staying in the same hotel room, he is helping her move out this weekend, is buying her gifts for her rental, are planning to stay at each others rented accommodation (he told wife and kids he was divorcing last week), planning holidays away in June YET on her financial disclosure (form E) she answered no to 'do you plan to cohabit in next 6 months' - what is the definition here? They are both BIG earners, so it surely could impact financial settlement?

3) All (yes, ALL) of her friends are 100% behind her because the story she tells is she was unhappy, she asked for space, happened to get together with boss, no overlap, now she is happy. Leaves out the fact that I had to discover the infidelity myself! Aside from the not actual giving examples of her unhappiness until 21 Nov, this history re-write is so frustrating but ultimately, does it matter given my aim?

4) Given the advanced stage of her new relationship, my biggest fear in all of this, is how soon she introduces him to our boys. I have seen for texts that he is dying for her to meet his kids (teenagers) and given the amount of time they are spending with each other, I know he wants to get involved with our boys. Surely it is reasonable (especially if her time line is as above - she hardly knows this guy) to ask that he has nothing to do with them for X number of months, until boys are settled. But realistically, how is that possible given they are obsessed with each other?

I still just don't get it - why would someone who is unhappy, jump straight into another relationship instead of working on our marriage for us, for the kids. Been wracking my brain to think of signs in the past and the list I can some up with is A) when no sex (2.5 years ago) she said I was free to get a prostitute - not only did she miss the point that I wanted sex with her but she probably built up anxiety that she wasn't fulfilling my needs B) I called her a good Mum but a terrible wife, because she put all kids needs first (selfish of me, I concede but I was low) C) We disagreed on many things to do with the 2nd child, she wanted to do opposite of what we did with first (who is a well balanced young boy) D) AS previously mentioned, I threatened to leave and also started to call her names because of these frustrations (petty, yes but proved unhappiness, I suppose).

I don't know what to expect in mediation today but will update afterwards.

 

[sokillme]

Hi all, quick update and ask for opinion, as I head to mediation.

To set the scene, I don't want R, I want out, fast (divorce petition was actually served to her on Weds) and to do that I want to be able to keep home for our boys, by settling 50/50 on all assets but 70/30 on house (as I put in 75% of deposit three years ago), she pays lump sum child maintenance (as higher earner = £25k) and I let slide that her pensions are £15k more valuable than mine.

Do any of these revelations change the above:

1) She continues to claim 'no overlap'. Her timeline supposedly read (with dates based on my snooping) is:

April - She starts new job, meets boss for first time
June - gets promoted
1 Nov - gets very big (temporary but likely to be perm) promotion
11 Nov - we talked about unhappiness in marriage
14 Nov - She stayed in hotel with boss for team nigh tout, after that her comms to me were different (fewer texts, no kisses, no intimacy)
21 Nov - Asked me for space, which I gave by staying at friends and at this stage we are in MC, my aim / hope to R
9 Dec - I was suspicious and found she was staying in hotel with him that evening
12 Dec - I asked is she having affair. She denied and said just friend in a similar situation, eventually admits to kissing but 'no overlap'
13 Dec - I ask for R, she refused, I filed for D
Since then - she continues to text and call, see him at work (obvs, as her boss!) and staying in hotels with him. Claims sex only happened on 27 Dec for first time.

For me, you don't just go from unhappy to opening your heart, kissing, cuddling with no previous emotional relationship prior to that (I have no hard evidence prior to 14 Nov but can see from FB history, she was searching for him since June and looking at ways out from September). Point is, if I hadn't snooped around and uncovered the infidelity, I would still be none the wiser, even today.

2) They are staying in the same hotel room, he is helping her move out this weekend, is buying her gifts for her rental, are planning to stay at each others rented accommodation (he told wife and kids he was divorcing last week), planning holidays away in June YET on her financial disclosure (form E) she answered no to 'do you plan to cohabit in next 6 months' - what is the definition here? They are both BIG earners, so it surely could impact financial settlement?

3) All (yes, ALL) of her friends are 100% behind her because the story she tells is she was unhappy, she asked for space, happened to get together with boss, no overlap, now she is happy. Leaves out the fact that I had to discover the infidelity myself! Aside from the not actual giving examples of her unhappiness until 21 Nov, this history re-write is so frustrating but ultimately, does it matter given my aim?

4) Given the advanced stage of her new relationship, my biggest fear in all of this, is how soon she introduces him to our boys. I have seen for texts that he is dying for her to meet his kids (teenagers) and given the amount of time they are spending with each other, I know he wants to get involved with our boys. Surely it is reasonable (especially if her time line is as above - she hardly knows this guy) to ask that he has nothing to do with them for X number of months, until boys are settled. But realistically, how is that possible given they are obsessed with each other?

I still just don't get it - why would someone who is unhappy, jump straight into another relationship instead of working on our marriage for us, for the kids. Been wracking my brain to think of signs in the past and the list I can some up with is A) when no sex (2.5 years ago) she said I was free to get a prostitute - not only did she miss the point that I wanted sex with her but she probably built up anxiety that she wasn't fulfilling my needs B) I called her a good Mum but a terrible wife, because she put all kids needs first (selfish of me, I concede but I was low) C) We disagreed on many things to do with the 2nd child, she wanted to do opposite of what we did with first (who is a well balanced young boy) D) AS previously mentioned, I threatened to leave and also started to call her names because of these frustrations (petty, yes but proved unhappiness, I suppose).

I don't know what to expect in mediation today but will update afterwards.

No one can tell you why your wife did this, the prostitute thing is pretty telling though, something is broken in her. Her reaction was not normal. She may not even know. You will make yourself crazy trying to figure it out. You are not detaching if you are trying to figure it out. Let her boss deal with it now. From her actions I doubt she is going to be someone who is capable of have a successful long term relationship with anyone. Understand you can be the best husband in the world and it still takes two to make it work. So failure might have always been the destination.

Dude let it go. Work on you. LET HER GO MAN. The sooner you do the better you will feel. There is better out there for you.

 

[turnera]

Stop trying to understand. Cheaters are drug addicts. They get a high from the affair and it's irresistible and turns them into people you don't recognize. Accept that that happened and move on. She followed the female cheater path to a T. She'll eventually wake up, probably when her boyfriend runs back to his wife when he sees how much money he's going to lose. By then, you won't need her any more.

 

[Evinrude58]

I'm so sorry. I know this is rough.
HOwever, you have seen her true colors and are doing something about it! THat's freaking awesome and will get your life going again no matter what. You'd be surprised how many people just do nothing and kind of quit. Those are the ones that suffer the most. You are suffering, but you're not going to continue to suffer. For those posters that said you have to let it go and not try to figure it out---- that's the best advice you can get. You will NEVER figure out what happened. If you could talk to her years from now, she'd probably convince you how this was all YOUR fault. And you must know that a large part of this is her fault, and ALL of the affair stuff is her fault. ANyone that has 1 brain cell knows there was "overlap". That's disgusting of her to say and just laughable.

Your wife telling you to get a prostitute is quite telling--- this should tell you that she NEVER planned on having sex with you again and in her mind the marriage was over. No woman would do that.
Her screwed up mind can equate all the evil crap she's done as ok because she was "done" with you a long time ago.

My advice: move on like you're doing, put her in your rearview, and find another woman with more character to spend your life with. I promise you, no matter how you feel now, you are capable of finding love again. And next time it should be far more fulfilling if you choose wisely.
Good luck

 

[Thor]

Melrose, something is broken inside her. I have some suspicions, but the exact reason doesn't matter. She and her OM are in lurve. Now is the time to strike on the D. Later on you may get some better clues and perhaps some better perspective on why she has chosen this path. I don't think you're going to figure it out any time soon.

As to the cohabitation, I think yes it is relevant to your settlement. But you have to prove it. Your lawyer is the one who can tell you how it may help and how to prove it.

I do know a divorcee who lives with her long term bf. He maintains a cheap separate apartment so that it appears on paper they aren't living together. This way she gets to keep receiving alimony. Bee-otch! But in this state it is possible to prove they are living together if one hires a PI and shows frequent overnight stays. Your lawyer can give you guidance on how it works where you live.

 

[Grapes]

There is no understanding crazy. To even try will bring you the same fate.

 

[2ntnuf]

She probably doesn't really know, beyond she wanted more out of life than she had, a powerful man with money was showing her she was interesting and sexually desirable and she needed that at the time.

You could have been showing her these things and it wouldn't have the same effect on her because you are her husband and you have to do those things for the sake of the marriage, children, family, pride, etc.

You can discuss that stuff with a counselor, too.

As for the divorce, go for the most you can get. Don't let her make you feel badly. Don't blame yourself. She made her choice. Get everything you can, including the children at least fifty percent of the time.

Follow what many here have told you already.

Look up the 180 and follow it.

Exercise and eat right, even if you have to force yourself.

Make sure you have a good attorney.

This is a very confusing and difficult time. It will get better, if you want it and work hard for it. Keep moving forward.

 

[browser]

Stop trying to understand. Cheaters are drug addicts. They get a high from the affair and it's irresistible and turns them into people you don't recognize. Accept that that happened and move on

This. ^^

You need to refocus and treat the relationship with your soon to be exwife as a rapidly fading distant memory. The more you dwell on the "why" the more it will hold you back. There's no rhyme or reason to it anyway, you're looking for answers that simply do not exist. You'd be better off trying to figure out how the universe is infinitely large or something of that nature. That one always baffled me. How can the universe simply "go on forever". And if it doesn't go on forever, what's after it? But I digress.

 

[23cm]

Your marriage is toast so just accept that. Devote the energies you'd be putting to finding out what, why and when of her affair to researching her affair partner, the man who will likely be spending time with your kids. What kind of work? Temperament? Any arrests? Drinking/dope habits? Can you run a credit check? Just do a full Sherlock Holmes on him. Protect your kids. And, get rid of the woman who suggested you see a prostitute for your needs...get rid of her fast and while she's still in the fog.

 

[bandit.45]

Melrose your wife is a "grass is greener" type. She will never be satisfied with what she has. She will be happy with this new schmuck for a while, but after a few years she will tire of him and be looking for a new pasture.

DO NOT let her badmouth you to others or lie about how the marriage failed. You need to protect your reputation, and if that means putting out the Facebook clarion call to all your mutual friends then you need to do it. Wait until the divorce is finalized first, but make sure you set the record straight, or you will never forgive yourself.

 

[JohnA]

None of what you wrote changes a thing. Focus on the terms of your divorce. Also any child over the age of four must be told about the adultery in an age appropriate manner.

She is rewriting the marriage history to fit the narrative of her fantasy. Do not allow this to occur and don't argue with her about. Going forward share the facts if someone wants to know and you are willing to share and walk away.

 

[JohnA]

At this point do not expose to work. Someone else will do it for you from within the company. If the UK is like the US the courts will not give a damn if she gets fired in six months. Pay up or jail. Yea jail in the US in many cases. So get it done!

Timeline use that as the basis of your exposure letter to both families and friends. Man, I pray you get then terms discussed!!! Primary custody in current home - huge long term win for you!

 

[inging]

I know the timeline seems ridiculous but it could well be true. She fell in love and now she is going to introduce your teenage kids to her new man. This will not go well..

She is in full fantasy mode. It could last for years so the less contact you have with her the better. Everyone has said gets things signed quickly. The moment she tries to introduce her kids to Mr Wonderful her world will start to crumble as most kids don't like the person that took away their family. It is very important that you tell your kids about this guy. If you have his name so much the better as she will attempt to introduce him as someone she miraculously met and as the good guy. Next step he is staying over and your kids are in the house with him..

You are doing great. Keep moving forward and don't talk to her anymore. She will take every opportunity tell you of her happiness, how it will all work out. It won't her life is now officially ruined.

 

[Marc878]

Your kids are old enough to know the truth. Full exposure on this.

 

[Melrose8888]

Thanks all for your continued support and reminding me that (most of the time) I am doing the right thing.

My feelings today? Relief, a hint of peace and a hint of expectation.

Why? Because I came home from a weekend away with my kids and, as agreed, the ex had actually moved all of her things out of the house into her new rental. It felt less sad than I was expecting and actually gave me hope for my future.

Plus, she just sent back the divorce acknowledgement papers, so we are well on the way to Decree Nisi.

Also, mediation on Friday went nearly as well as I could have hoped on the finance front, we arrived at a figure that just about allows me to take on the mortgage and stay in the home with the boys. On paper, it looks as though I am getting a decent deal (but it's all for the stability of the boys, nothing done here out of spite), so until the mediation paperwork is signed, the consent order is officially drafted and the court stamps it, I will remain guarded but given we both want out ASAP, I hope this will pass OK in next 6-8 weeks.

She did make some non financial demands: 1) don't tell her work about the fact she is ****ing her boss 2) That she wants us to communicate better 3) she wants me to meet the OM so we can all move on and be friends (!!!) 4) She asked how I knew where she was all the time, if I had put a tracker on her! (told her I actually just found clues, texts and blagged the rest!)

The co-parenting plan started OK too, I let the ex take the lead, still agree in 50/50 and I simple ended by saying, I want to parent the boys exactly as I do now but without your direct input and support, so I will communicate in appropriate means as and when. However, I did then ask her when she was hoping to introduce the POSOM to the boys. She started by saying that OM is going to be a big part of her life, expects them to be together and he has a lot to offer the children (I hated that expression, for some reason), so she wants him to meet them ASAP...

I refused on the grounds that, the boys need stability in transitioning to our new shared living arrangements and according to her timeline (!), her and the OM have only known each other 9 months and been in a 'relationship' since early December and no one really knows what he is like, especially around someone else's kids. She reluctantly agreed to use Divorce date as a target for first meeting but I expect she will ignore that and have him stay over when they are all there next week.

We then had a chat alone afterwards - I've been full 180 aside from odd slip up, so no comms for ages, so she had a lot she was dying to tell me and I needed a couple of answers for my mind.

In a nutshell, she is in the pursuit of happiness above all else and it 'just so happened' that her boss was there at the time she had a light-bulb moment...

She started by admitting the marriage wasn't that bad but mentioned a possible MLC again (almost always comes up when we did talk over past 2 months) and said she turned 40 last year, decided she had reached the limit of what she was prepared to 'put up with', the need to feel 'alive' and a longing to 'live her life'. She would have felt 'trapped' if I had got ill / made redundant and she 'had to look after me' and that we had drifted apart and had different views. Everything felt like an 'effort'. She tried to play the no overlap game again, at which point I stepped in and made it clear that I had to discover the infidelity, so despite telling me she wanted a break, kissing and cuddling and emotional support for months is still infidelity. She said it's 'the only part she regrets' and 'can see' how hurtful that was for me. I asked her to correct any story she may have told that omits this fact, else it makes ME look like I am bitter, twisted and crazy.

That said she mentioned hadn't felt anywhere near as much emotion / sadness about the breakup as she expected and is taking that as a sign that it is the right decision. Also mentioned that me filing for D actually made her push on quicker with her new relationship with OM, as it felt natural...

Aside from discussions over the kids and wrapping up finances and the D itself, that conversation was actually useful for me. So although I agree with the 180, there does come a time (often after you have finalised as much as you can re the D) and certainly if you are parents, that I feel you do need to have the cathartic 'closure' discussion. It's done me good, I no longer blame myself but realise I should have got out / asked for MC when the prostitute offer was made all those years ago.

It is onwards and upwards, I'll hold my head higher, even when the rollercoaster of emotions kick in again.

 

[Mr.Fisty]

She is kidding herself if she beleives you can be friends with the OM. The only communication you need between the two of you is for the children and an amicable relationship is best. It will help detach you further from her and being buddy, buddy will only muddy those waters. She is not your friend.

 

[Melrose8888]

Your marriage is toast so just accept that. Devote the energies you'd be putting to finding out what, why and when of her affair to researching her affair partner, the man who will likely be spending time with your kids. What kind of work? Temperament? Any arrests? Drinking/dope habits? Can you run a credit check? Just do a full Sherlock Holmes on him. Protect your kids. And, get rid of the woman who suggested you see a prostitute for your needs...get rid of her fast and while she's still in the fog.

Well, I know who he is, what he does (IT Director of a large organisation), where he and his wife live (well, not now that he is staying with my ex), all his past jobs and directorships. The other parts are not clear, though he has been staying in hotels for months if not years, during the week and even the texts I've seen between him and ex, he talks about drinking in the bar lots and jokes he is 'going to pick up a lady', presumably to keep my ex on her toes. So I expect he is an 'expert' at this...

Anyway, I think this is one I'm just going to have to judge from distance and (when the inevitable happens and they meet) from what the kids tell me.

 

[Melrose8888]

She is kidding herself if she beleives you can be friends with the OM. The only communication you need between the two of you is for the children and an amicable relationship is best. It will help detach you further from her and being buddy, buddy will only muddy those waters. She is not your friend.

I totally agree, just need to make sure the balance is right to make sure the kids aren't affected.

 

[Melrose8888]

ANyone that has 1 brain cell knows there was "overlap". That's disgusting of her to say and just laughable.

I guess that means all of her friends only have 1 brain cell!

 

[Melrose8888]

She probably doesn't really know, beyond she wanted more out of life than she had, a powerful man with money was showing her she was interesting and sexually desirable and she needed that at the time.

You could have been showing her these things and it wouldn't have the same effect on her because you are her husband and you have to do those things for the sake of the marriage, children, family, pride, etc.

You can discuss that stuff with a counselor, too.

As for the divorce, go for the most you can get. Don't let her make you feel badly. Don't blame yourself. She made her choice. Get everything you can, including the children at least fifty percent of the time.

Follow what many here have told you already.

Look up the 180 and follow it.

Exercise and eat right, even if you have to force yourself.

Make sure you have a good attorney.

This is a very confusing and difficult time. It will get better, if you want it and work hard for it. Keep moving forward.

Boy, this is all so true...hard to take nonetheless but it's so crazy to imagine it seems that simple, in her mind.