[Sparta]

OP You need to tell the OMs wife and I would definitely report it to HR she did you wrong payback is a b!tch.

 

[bandit.45]

I would tell the OM's wife now. Because, well... it's the right thing to do. You can spin it to yourself anyway you want, validate your reasons anyway you want, make up any reason that comforts you to not inform her.

There is a woman out there who is being taken advantage of in the same way your WW is taking advantage of you, except there is a good chance she doesn't know she's being victimized. Like a person with leeches latched onto her privates.

But it's up to you. Do what is most profitable to yourself, and fvck everyone else I guess....

 

[TX-SC]

I think you are doing the right thing by staying quiet until the divorce is done. You need to play softball will her for now. Get a good settlement and get your divorce over and done with before causing trouble. In fact, I wouldn't tell her job at all. If she is to pay you monthly, keep her working!

Your wife had an exit affair. It sucks for you but she was leaving your marriage one way or the other. Let her go. Worry about you and your kids only. But, to h@ll with meeting and being friends with that douche bag!

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk

 

[MattMatt]

@Melrose8888 Your wife is very troubled. Far more troubled than you might realise.

How so? She equates sexual intercourse with herself with sexual intercourse with a prostitute.

She might -even unconsciously- see sexual intercourse with her wealthy boss in the same way as a prostitute sees sex with a client. Mainly as a business proposition.

 

[Chaparral]

Some people do the right thing, other people are weasels and don't. I find that is generally the map their lives follow and they get the results they deserve.

 

[MattMatt]

Some people do the right thing, other people are weasels and don't. I find that is generally the map their lives follow and they get the results they deserve.

With natural British reticence this is what you get.

 

[Melrose8888]

OK, so wait for seal from court on consent order, then tell OM Wife - got it.

Still not sure how to do it, anonymously is preference, as I don't really want to be supportive (tongue in cheek here: she probably isn't much of a looker if the OM is anything to go by... )


And no, I don't want to be friends with him but the connection with my kids (still both very young) is bound to come up sooner than I hope - the problem is my boys are very sociable and will probably connect with him straight away, which will hurt so much.

To reaffirm what she said after mediation, she really believes that both of us will be much happier because of this and she's has freed us both.

What is still playing on my mind is how I am left dealing with all this crap, while she ploughs on with her life, getting laid, taken out for meals, going for weekends away, holidays booked with him for the summer already. Resentment? Fear? Maybe.

I AM concentrating on myself and my needs but given I want to get to what she currently has, ASAP, it's too easy to compare ATM.

 

[Danny4133]

OK, so wait for seal from court on consent order, then tell OM Wife - got it.

Still not sure how to do it, anonymously is preference, as I don't really want to be supportive (tongue in cheek here: she probably isn't much of a looker if the OM is anything to go by... )


And no, I don't want to be friends with him but the connection with my kids (still both very young) is bound to come up sooner than I hope - the problem is my boys are very sociable and will probably connect with him straight away, which will hurt so much.

To reaffirm what she said after mediation, she really believes that both of us will be much happier because of this and she's has freed us both.

What is still playing on my mind is how I am left dealing with all this crap, while she ploughs on with her life, getting laid, taken out for meals, going for weekends away, holidays booked with him for the summer already. Resentment? Fear? Maybe.

I AM concentrating on myself and my needs but given I want to get to what she currently has, ASAP, it's too easy to compare ATM.

Melrose,

Its been said that people usually affair down and in this case its no different.
A wise person said it's not how you start but how you finish that counts, how is this situation with lover boy likely to progress? everything has happened so fast, they both think they've found their soul mate, the fantasia castle they've built life on in Disney Land is actually a Mud Hut on a Sandy Beach waiting for the tide to come in and easily erode it away.

You're a man of virtue, integrity and honour.
Yes, what's happened to you is really dire and it will take a year or more to come back from this, but come back you will my friend.

You will find a better person and from day 1 will have those boundaries in place to prevent such a deplorable act from being committed against you again. But you will have a new relationship with someone who has values, has honour and integrity also. The foundations of that relationship will be set deep and will have a better chance of working out, because my friend it will be built on truth, on reality. Not sneaking around in the shadows being a POS.

I assure you that you will see life in Technicolor for the first time, you will look back on the relationship with your POS Ex and it will be like a bad black and white B movie.

Rest assured YOU will be the better parent, YOU will lead by example, YOU will be ok. In all honesty you're the favourite in the Kentucky derby and those who appear to be setting off in to the sunset are actually limping out the starting gate and rolling up to be the 250-1 outsiders of the race.

You will be ok.

 

[Melrose8888]

Danny - you are so good with your supportive words. Thank you.

 

[Steve1000]

Danny - you are so good with your supportive words. Thank you.

Yes, it is currently not fair at all that your wife is seamlessly going on with her life with dates and travel plans. Someday you will know that you have recovered when you don't care at all about what is happening in her life. The goal is your peace and happiness. If your wife came crawling back, it would temporarily dull the immediate pain you're going through, but it would also prevent you from ever truly being happy again.

 

[Evinrude58]

I disagree with Bandit on this being your moral responsibility to do immediately. Yes, you should tell the OM's wife, and do it as quickly as you can. But this divorce will affect the rest of your life. OM's wife is not your top priority. Your kids and yourself should be your priority. You can't take care of your kids if you haven't taken care of YOU. Once you are in the clear, absolutely tell the OM's wife. Do it in person, not anonymously. You don't have to let her cry on your shoulder, you don't have to be her friend. But do it straight up face to face, and tell her you'd have let her know sooner if you felt you could have without putting the welfare of your kids first. She should understand that.

For all you know, OM's wife could have known about this all along. SHE is not your first responsibility. Your kids are. The divorce affects your kids.

I know your self esteem is at an all time low, you are embarrassed, you are sad about losing the future you had planned. I know you are so screwed up emotionally you don't know which direction you should go. My advice is listen and follow your attorney's advice. Realize that if you are not crazy, have a decent job, don't have any addictions, and are generally a decent guy---- YOU are the hot commodity at your age. Most people are totally nuts, have addictions that make it worse, and don't have a steady job. You will be amazed at how easy it is to catch a woman's interest.
Dating was far more productive in my early 40's than in my early 20's when I had hair and a good physique. I had a lot more interest from younger, far more attractive women than I had earlier in life. I suspect that you will find that to be true as well.

You'll get over this. The first few months are complete misery. But when you start getting better, and start dating and getting your mind on other things, you will improve dramatically. In a couple of years, you might even think it all happened for the best and see that the Old man upstairs was taking care of you a lot better than you thought. I hope that for you. What your wife did is completely wrong.

 

[MattMatt]

@Melrose8888 I would recommend counselling for you and for your boys, too.

 

[2ntnuf]

I meant if M8 wanted to inform her now, before the divorce is final, he may want to do it anonymously. After the divorce, he probably will want to talk with her. If the other BS is okay with talking, he can tell all face to face then.

He has to protect himself, his children and their divorce agreement until it is over. Pissing her off could backfire. You'd have to check with your attorney about the chances of that.

I see nothing wrong with seeing her later when your divorce and/or custody agreements are finished. Is there going to be a custody agreement? I can't remember how old they are?

If she comes to you looking for information, I'd give it to her.

 

[Melrose8888]

I disagree with Bandit on this being your moral responsibility to do immediately. Yes, you should tell the OM's wife, and do it as quickly as you can. But this divorce will affect the rest of your life. OM's wife is not your top priority. Your kids and yourself should be your priority. You can't take care of your kids if you haven't taken care of YOU. Once you are in the clear, absolutely tell the OM's wife. Do it in person, not anonymously. You don't have to let her cry on your shoulder, you don't have to be her friend. But do it straight up face to face, and tell her you'd have let her know sooner if you felt you could have without putting the welfare of your kids first. She should understand that.

For all you know, OM's wife could have known about this all along. SHE is not your first responsibility. Your kids are. The divorce affects your kids.

I know your self esteem is at an all time low, you are embarrassed, you are sad about losing the future you had planned. I know you are so screwed up emotionally you don't know which direction you should go. My advice is listen and follow your attorney's advice. Realize that if you are not crazy, have a decent job, don't have any addictions, and are generally a decent guy---- YOU are the hot commodity at your age. Most people are totally nuts, have addictions that make it worse, and don't have a steady job. You will be amazed at how easy it is to catch a woman's interest.
Dating was far more productive in my early 40's than in my early 20's when I had hair and a good physique. I had a lot more interest from younger, far more attractive women than I had earlier in life. I suspect that you will find that to be true as well.

You'll get over this. The first few months are complete misery. But when you start getting better, and start dating and getting your mind on other things, you will improve dramatically. In a couple of years, you might even think it all happened for the best and see that the Old man upstairs was taking care of you a lot better than you thought. I hope that for you. What your wife did is completely wrong.

Thanks, Evinrude, this all makes sense in my mind and I will tell the OM wife once the consent order is final, in approx 6 week time. This allows the finances I need to take on the house (but leaves me flat broke and owing money to my parents). The boys are 7 and 4 and will be shared 50/50, as written up in mediation agreement, no court order / custody terms here.

I hope I do get the success you did in meeting new partners, clearly just want a bit of fun for now but in years to come, I hope to find someone else who does deserve to share everything I still have to give.

 

[Lostinthought61]

Question as part of the agreement are you not allowed to report them to HR?

 

[Melrose8888]

Question as part of the agreement are you not allowed to report them to HR?

This was mentioned during mediation but I'm not expecting it to be written into the memorandum. Should get documents today.

I don't really want to report them, it was always there as an option, if mediation failed.

 

[Melrose8888]

@Melrose8888 I would recommend counselling for you and for your boys, too.

I'm in IC (wasted 3 sessions on MC...). I have considered it for the boys but what kind of things do they support with?

 

[inging]

After the Divorce you can do what you want. She has no hold on you and you hardly slandering her good name if you tell the truth.

You do not have to meet this guy. Men don't leave their wives for a Mistress. They ADD the mistress and replace her when she is too much trouble. She is about to become a whole lot of trouble especially when his wife finds out. i suspect the new "happy families" is entirely in her head or he just mouths the words. Don't even consider it at this stage. His world is about to fall apart. So far he has just had a bit on the side.

In case you haven't seen this stat. 97% of all these affair relationships fail before or at 5 years. The reason there are no stats for ten years is that they could either not find the people or the people did not want to talk. Read what you like in to that.


Try and take some time for you and the boys to do something nice. Something new you have wanted to do for a while.


It can feel like you are at war. Even a few mins R&R is better than nothing

 

[MattMatt]

I'm in IC (wasted 3 sessions on MC...). I have considered it for the boys but what kind of things do they support with?

Reassuring them that they did not cause the problems that lead to the divorce, coping with the loss of their family, that sort of thing.

 

[JohnA]

I know it is a burden to buy and carry the house. But the house s your children's home. The older they grow the more settled they will become in the house. Custody may be 50/50 to start but as they age they will want to be "home" more with there friends and social circle. It also keeps you rooted and emotionally stable.