[sokillme]

Jeremy Kyle aside (!) lots of useful debate, so thanks.

@sokillme - amazing, read all of that link and it is almost an exact copy of my situation! I've taken steps again today to take control, told her she won't be staying overnight at the house and have stuck to the 180 rules on communication.

I have IC tomorrow and can't wait to start on my individual recovery.

As soon as I have the seal on the financial settlement, I'll be exposing the affair to all parties and will start to tell my side of the story too. There is simply too much to lose to do it right now but I feel for the OBS.

Plus, it might sound familiar to those who have been through this but all the evidence I've seen and heard, it sounds as though they are obsessed with each other and he too will divorce and get together with the 'mother of my kids'. (See, I'm learning!)

I must also be honest, there is still the tiniest part of me that hopes she will come back pleading for R but I think that is so I can play along for a day and then tell her where to stick it.

The eldest kid is very smart but very emotional, he knows what is coming and when he and his brother are older, he will know why.

Any tips on how to turn the anger, rage and upset that rears it's ugly head into positive thinking / actions? It's still the part I struggle with, even on 'good' days like today.

Yeah use the anger and rage to make yourself the best you can. Use it to get in best shape of your life, do the things you always wanted, make the most money you ever made or anything else you always wanted to do. Basically use it to prove her wrong, prove everyone wrong who was ever down on you. Now eventually you won't care but when you do you will wake up in such a better place then you would have been then if you ruminated on it and ended up wasting years being depressed about it. I always looked at it like I lost in a sporting event, the only think I wanted to do was bet better and go back and win. I somewhat still do. I am a good husband to my wife, who deserves it, even if that other fool doesn't know it, it's her loss.

 

[VladDracul]

First off you also posted on SI didn't you?

If you can't then start asking yourself why you are willing to settle for begging a woman who is willing to abandon her family. You can do better in your life, and whether you know it or not watching this is not healthy for your kids.

Over the many moons I've been around, and seen this type thing play out time and time again, I concluded there a two reason that are applicable to 90+% of the cases. First, its like the many folks that continue to hold bad investments they've made. Its a shot to the ego to "certify" you've made a mistake and your judgement was off. There's a big similarity between hanging on to a stock thinking (wishing and hoping) it will come back and holding on to a bad marriage.
Second, there are a number of guys out there who, deep down, believe they "maxed out" when they won the hand of the now disloyal wife and don't have what it takes to do better and/or don't have it in them to try. They believe letting go is just proof they are just a flop with chicks and proof they can't "hold" a woman's interest.
The third reason you hear about is that they want to stay in married to their spouse for the kids, financial reasons, don't believe in divorce, et cetera, et cetera. The majority of guys saying these things a both deceiving themselves and attempting to deceive their audience; all to save face. They really fall under the first or second reason they continue to hold out. I kinda think our boy Mel fall under number one.

 

[sokillme]

Over the many moons I've been around, and seen this type thing play out time and time again, I concluded there a two reason that are applicable to 90+% of the cases. First, its like the many folks that continue to hold bad investments they've made. Its a shot to the ego to "certify" you've made a mistake and your judgement was off. There's a big similarity between hanging on to a stock thinking (wishing and hoping) it will come back and holding on to a bad marriage.
Second, there are a number of guys out there who, deep down, believe they "maxed out" when they won the hand of the now disloyal wife and don't have what it takes to do better and/or don't have it in them to try.
The third reason you hear about is that they want to stay in married to their spouse for the kids, financial reasons, don't believe in divorce, et cetera, et cetera. The majority of guys saying these things a both deceiving themselves and attempting to deceive their audience; all to save face. They really fall under the first or second reason they continue to hold out.

I agree with the sunk cost fallacy assessment. So many people seem to fall for this. Not a good way to live.

My theory on why so many of these these guys are on here and accept such conditions is because this was and is their nature. The WS could sense this consciously or subconsciously and therefor picked them to marry precisely because they were an easy mark so to speak. Again as I have said before parasite and host, that is the dynamic here. People with a stronger sense of self-esteem (or whatever you want to call it) would probably have been long gone or made it so difficult for the WS that they would have never gotten as far as marriage. This is why we keep seeing threads like this over and over. It fits the pattern, the BS is the kind of person who doesn't fight back, so unless they are lucky they end up with people who treat them terrible. Just like the Bully on the school yard picks the weakest kid to torment, they never mess with the kid who will punch them in the nose. This is really the same dynamic.

This doesn't mean people with strong wills don't get cheated on, it means that a person with good sense of self worth, boundaries or whatever divorce pretty quickly when cheated on. There SO is an a55hole and don't try to hold on to them because who wants to be with an a55hole. These aren't the type of people who post on boards asking "what they should do", because it's pretty obvious to them that it's time to move on. Even though it is very painful.

 

[ILoveSparkles]

Let's not forget that she has no problem putting their kids' lives in danger - driving drunk with them in the car.

 

[Melrose8888]

I think the bad stock analogy is correct but I do see it as bad now but will only give it away at a low cost to me.

Update is that after telling her not to stay at the house, tonight she tells me she is staying at a girl friends in our town (but left with new makeup and outfit on!). Facebook snoop showed she wasn't and in fact, that friend was telling her to 'have a great night '.

I know I shouldn't care and I can't control her actions but still, here I am, still being lied to and now her dippy (married) friends are fully behind her affair?! Are we in a society that just sees these things as the norm these days?!

My ask here is how do I communicate my side of the story to her friends and family so that the truth doesn't get rewritten? What forms of communication are best, without making it a public, she said, he said?

Financial discussion is tonight, if I don't see signs of me getting what I need for my boys stability, I think it might well be time to expose...

 

[inging]

Update is that after telling her not to stay at the house, tonight she tells me she is staying at a girl friends in our town (but left with new makeup and outfit on!). Facebook snoop showed she wasn't and in fact, that friend was telling her to 'have a great night '.

I know I shouldn't care and I can't control her actions but still, here I am, still being lied to and now her dippy (married) friends are fully behind her affair?! Are we in a society that just sees these things as the norm these days?!

She lying to you but to all the friends of the marriage too. Make no mistake the rewrite is well underway and has been with her friends for some time. You are now finding out that theses people were never your friends. They were and are hers.
She deserves more. You ignored her. This new man will be good for her. She looks so happy. etc, etc.

My ask here is how do I communicate my side of the story to her friends and family so that the truth doesn't get rewritten? What forms of communication are best, without making it a public, she said, he said?

Financial discussion is tonight, if I don't see signs of me getting what I need for my boys stability, I think it might well be time to expose...

Do not bother with the rewrite. Unfriend all these people. They are not your friends. He family is no longer your family beyond a link as grandparents. They are not on your side.

Expose the affair and watch the fireworks as they go in to damage control. Sitting on this will do you no favours. Your boys need to see their Dad being strong and taking a stand at this absurd behaviour. TExpose using names and dates. Be specific as she will try and cover her tracks. Tell the Other mans partner. this is important. She is being gaslighted and it needs to end.

You need to stand strong for your boys. Be stable, be a rock. Start NOW as they already are adrift and don't know why.
This is modeling how they will behave in the future

Here is the primary loop you need to run in your head. There are no "if" statements.
while
Wife in affair
do
exit
done

 

[sokillme]

Time to let the lawyer take the reins just get the best lawyer you can.

As far as her friends go. You have no idea what they really think. She is off in la la land, life will catch up to her. Just work on you.

 

[Melrose8888]

Quick update, too tired...

Had financial chat tonight, started with a few frank questions, as I heard via friend that the POSOM separated from his wife last week. So I need to know if they were moving in together, as this would affect the finances. Apparently not but as if I believe a word she says anyway.

Started with very low ball number that she scoffed at. Got to a number she liked and i told her it was unworkable and I'll have to go all the way to court and the fact she is with her high earning boss will be in my favour for spousal maintenance (she is higher earner now - proves sleeping with your boss gets you £...).

Met half way (that is 30/70 of assets to me as I will take on family home for boys stability) but I'm now concerned that our financial mediator and ultimately the judge who presides over consent order, will see that as 'unfair'? (Not really, her *** ing her boss while married to me is unfair...).

I'm glad to be shot of the cheating beeatch but the affair and them being together continues to derail my 180 plans.

 

[lostmyreligion]

Have you read sun tzu?

If not, you should read sun tzu.

If you've read it before, you should read it again.

Divorce is heinous and bloody battle.

 

[TaDor]

Update is that after telling her not to stay at the house, tonight she tells me she is staying at a girl friends in our town (but left with new makeup and outfit on!). Facebook snoop showed she wasn't and in fact, that friend was telling her to 'have a great night '.

I know I shouldn't care and I can't control her actions but still, here I am, still being lied to and now her dippy (married) friends are fully behind her affair?! Are we in a society that just sees these things as the norm these days?!

My ask here is how do I communicate my side of the story to her friends and family so that the truth doesn't get rewritten? What forms of communication are best, without making it a public, she said, he said? ~I think it might well be time to expose...

She's be lying about her affair and she is lying to you know. You pretty much won't know when she is ever telling you the truth. May want to ask her "Lying all the time - is not healthy for the kids, you are teaching them that lying and cheating is acceptable". Her slooty friend is most likely a cheater too. If you really feel like getting involved, ask that friend's BF "Do you know your wife supports my wife cheating? She covered for my cheating slot wife - maybe she had covered for you?"

Look up Exposure 101 to do it properly. But ya, because at this point - what people are thinking is that YOU both have separated and she is "open for business" because you're a jerk or whatever junk she has said about you. share / show proof - such as pics, recordings, whatever - but maybe not stuff you can use against her in court. Not everything, but enough to get the point across. (Whatever I shared with the public wasn't even 1% of what I had).

 

[emmasmith]

Want to ask her Lying all the time is not healthy for the kids and you are teaching them that lying and cheating is acceptable.

 

[JohnA]

30 percent to who? Seems like a foolish question but read enough threads.....

Second strive for a cash equity buy out not future payments. Future payments may or may not happen, especially if they both are fired in the future. A year from now POS may fire her and promote new toy.

My ex's pos BW took most of the equity in the home for reduced child support. Six months later he was fired and had nothing. Dumb ****.

 

[alte Dame]

What is the attitude over there re bosses having A's with their (direct?) reports? Most companies here are very concerned about it for many obvious reasons. Your WW is being given preferential treatment because she has a relationship with a higher-up. The company is vulnerable to all sorts of legal action because of what they are doing. If the A goes south, she can easily claim sexual harassment, whether it's valid or not.

I would do what others have said - blow this up both at their work and with the OMW. You've heard that the OM left his BW, but the chances are VERY high that the poor woman has no idea that he is cheating. He likely gave her an excuse out of the cheater's handbook like he 'needs space' or he 'feels disconnected and has to leave for a while.'

His BW has a right to know, for sure, but I would also write a legal letter to the company to report the illicit relationship.

 

[Melrose8888]

Interestingly enough, I drafted a letter for the company today, after I found their policy regarding relationships online. Generally, UK firms are ok with intra company relationships but on two grounds, that there is no conflict of interests and that disclosure is made immediately.
My POS wife's situation is in breach of both, so they'd be in the sh1t, especially given she has a huge financial promotion last month.

However, the financial negotiations are going ok and I am hopeful of getting what me and my sons require. So I will hold off for now but it will be used if things don't work out next week.

She really annoyed me today, she told our boys about her moving into a rented house next week, while I was out. I was clear that any comms with the boys are best done together. Game playing I'm sure but another example of her terrible mothering skills lately and doesn't bode well for co parenting...

 

[phillybeffandswiss]

Focus on your kids and quit trying to "catch her" unless it benefits you through the legal system. Of course she told them without you, this is why I am NEVER a fan of the "let's keep it quiet" or "kids do not need to know" comments which tend to float around. No, I am not saying the need to become your confidant or sounding board at all. Depending on the ages, none of them need the full gory details, a simple "mommy has a new friend she likes better than daddy, she's leaving" or something like that is much better than playing catch up IMO.

Actually, this isn't "terrible mothering skills," it is smart. It is called damage control. She has already informed them of something you are hiding.

Manipulation 101, be first.

 

[honcho]

Quick update, too tired...

Had financial chat tonight, started with a few frank questions, as I heard via friend that the POSOM separated from his wife last week. So I need to know if they were moving in together, as this would affect the finances. Apparently not but as if I believe a word she says anyway.

Started with very low ball number that she scoffed at. Got to a number she liked and i told her it was unworkable and I'll have to go all the way to court and the fact she is with her high earning boss will be in my favour for spousal maintenance (she is higher earner now - proves sleeping with your boss gets you £...).

Met half way (that is 30/70 of assets to me as I will take on family home for boys stability) but I'm now concerned that our financial mediator and ultimately the judge who presides over consent order, will see that as 'unfair'? (Not really, her *** ing her boss while married to me is unfair...).

I'm glad to be shot of the cheating beeatch but the affair and them being together continues to derail my 180 plans.

Get whatever agreement written up by a lawyer as speedy as you can and signed. Odds are in two weeks she will change her mind. One of the great problem with negotiations without legal guys around is its basically meaningless and wayward tend to treat it as a game more than anything.

She is not "officially" with her higher earning boss so that is meaningless in any posturing for court. If he has indeed split with his wife she's gonna want her "fair" share " so his spending will be curtailed significantly. These are the real world things that start to wreck affairland. Get a legal agreement done and over with fast.

 

[inging]

She really annoyed me today, she told our boys about her moving into a rented house next week, while I was out. I was clear that any comms with the boys are best done together. Game playing I'm sure but another example of her terrible mothering skills lately and doesn't bode well for co parenting...

I know this is hard to get your head around but she is seeing you as the enemy Anything you do, say or plan with her is being discussed with her new man. Her doing this without you about is all about her controlling the message and limiting fallout. Please let your boys know about WHY this is happening calmly and on your own.

Your children will be blaming themselves with no logical explanation forthcoming and I can guarantee that the lies she told them make no sense at all to them.

You MUST expose NOW to family, friends and most importantly the OMW to stop this rubbish propagating.

As @alte Dame says "You've heard that the OM left his BW, but the chances are VERY high that the poor woman has no idea that he is cheating."

This is almost always the case with cheating men. They lie to the mistress because, well. why not! As long as she keep providing free dirty sex and she keeps believing him he will string her along for as long as possible.

I see no point in exposing her at work. Everyone at work will know anyway and frankly it is better she is working and making some money.

Exposing to the OM wife will have much more effect

I believe that regardless of Divorce you must kill this affair. I have seen too many men lose access to their children by being too soft believing this is the right way. It isn't.

Main advice.. .
Take a dose of concrete and toughen the fck up .

 

[Melrose8888]

Get a legal agreement done and over with fast.

Yep, frantically working on getting her to agree, without looking too pushy. But I do realise I need to use their 'bubble' to at least get a decent deal out of this sh1i=tty situation.

 

[Thor]

Get whatever agreement written up by a lawyer as speedy as you can and signed. Odds are in two weeks she will change her mind. One of the great problem with negotiations without legal guys around is its basically meaningless and wayward tend to treat it as a game more than anything.

She is not "officially" with her higher earning boss so that is meaningless in any posturing for court. If he has indeed split with his wife she's gonna want her "fair" share " so his spending will be curtailed significantly. These are the real world things that start to wreck affairland. Get a legal agreement done and over with fast.

If you go to mediation, be sure to get an agreement signed and notarized. Mediation isn't official without some kind of signed contract. Even if it isn't as comprehensive as a contract written by a lawyer, a signed mediation agreement makes it very difficult for her to change her mind along the way. Once you get the signed mediation agreement, immediately (that same day if possible) file the uncontested divorce papers. If you can get uncontested papers filed it is nearly a done deal.

 

[Evinrude58]

Great advice given.
You have no idea the importance of speed and legal papers getting filed.

So absolutely correct. Days, hours matter.
Influence of girlfriends, breakups with AP's, etc. hugely impact your divorce agreement.
Once she thinks she's on her own, she's coming after you in every way possible.

Use her desire to get out to your advantage. Fast. Fast fast.
Narrow window of opportunity here.