[Evinrude58]

Once the divorce is final, I'd relish telling the HR dept and OM's wife.
Actually, it would hurt to tell the OM's wife, because I know it would hurt, but I'd do it. She deserves to know.

 

[Melrose8888]

Firstly, thanks to all of you for your responses and kind / straight words of support. Apols if I don't respond to all of you.

Great first response @spicy, in answer to telling her HR department and bosses wife, we have a financial mediation session this week, where I plan to use her guilt (if any) to offer her a settlement figure that allows me to buy out her equity share of the house. Therefore, as @Grapes suggests, I'm a little nervous to rock the boat in this area until it's been sealed by my solicitor?

I feel for the OW of the POSOM but I'm not convinced I should get involved and make this a 4 way? I am kind of hoping when I tell her work, it will get back to her that way instead.

I guess I'm still not clear what exposure will achieve? Perhaps make me feel less like an enabler and hopefully stop her bad judgment caused by sneaking and lying?

I started the 180 when I had my suspicions and reading it again, I've done pretty well, a couple of fails on wanting to know her whereabouts and the occasional snide comment but that's to be expected, I think.

@lila wow! I guess it only hit home now, you are right, I was terribly unhappy. I guess I saw the kids / idea of staying being faithful etc as what we should do in these circumstances and that all will get better in time. Clearly it wasn't / didn't...

Great advice @Danny4133 the kids are, always have been, number 1 importance but it difficult watching her be so 'normal' with them when it's her turn to play mum. I love the setting me free thought, a long way off perhaps but something to hold on to.

@sokillme this is actually my first online post about this. What I realised, and gave me some comfort, it that there are loads of so similar stories. I guess it shows we are only human after all... Huge thanks for the insight into what the mother of my children is really like and you are 100% correct, my boys will be brought up to know this is unacceptable.

@weltschmerz, in UK law, nothing she does can really affect the settlement, very unfair in my opinion but the best I can hope for is to use her fear or guilt to get the best I can for the boys (I get enough cash to buy out house, they stay here 50% of the time and have a stable few years).

Looks a though keeping her out of the house and continuing divorce is current opinion of most.

Thanks for the advice and support all.

 

[sokillme]

I am sorry for you OP as I know the pain you are feeling, by the way I thought you were this guy. You guys should have a beer.

Anyway I know that taking control of your life will help you with the pain, part of the suffering is this feeling of loss of control of ones own life. I remember it well. Being assertive gives you back that control. It's like a wave you can ride it back to the shore of healthiness, but you have to start to use it. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you are going to be alright. Use this as strength, remember if you can get through this you can get through anything. Again, if you take control it will allow you to see yourself as a strong person who overcame a terrible injustice. Not as a victim of adultery.

 

[arbitrator]

Hi all, lurker since cracks appeared in my marriage 2 months ago and felt it time to share my story, as the posts of other helped me emensely in early days. This story could equally go into the divorce forum but it's the affair that dominates my thoughts.

Background is married for nearly 8 years, realtionship for 17 years with a small break early on, 2 boys aged 7 and 4, based in the UK. Usual issues in marriage, lack of sex, emotional interest, poor work life balance for both, very few opportunities for time alone and lack of sleep.

A few times I've voiced my frustration about the issues, occasionally threatening to leave and building emotional walls. A couple of months ago ex took one of these comments and turned it into a request for space. At this point I respected that wish and stayed with friends when I could. I gave it a 1% chance of an EA or PA at that time.

Started couples counseling but could tell she was only there to appear supportive but was cold and unengaged.

On returning home I noticed red flags, spending ages getting ready, new clothes, new underwear, shaving, new hair, long hours at work etc. A bit of light Facebook snooping revealed her telling the mums from school that I was making her unhappy and she didn't love me any more but nothing more.

Early December she planned a weekend to see family, I had my suspicions so I checked her weekend bag and found sexy underwear and directions to a hotel. As I had the kids to look after, i managed to stop myself following her but on her return, asked her a few normal questions about the weekend to see if she would own up. Nothing but I could tell she was lying.

So next morning I took her mobile, felt so guilty but opening revealed 200+ texts between her and her boss (older man, director of a large organisation who had just given her a new role and payrise...) Lots of flirting, sending descriptions of underwear and saying what a great weekend they had and how they will work through the complexities to be together. Further digging revealed he is also married with teenage kids. Took photos of all the texts.

Clearly devastated, I asked who she was with this weekend and if she was having an affair. She denied it, saying it was a friend with similar issues meeting to talk at dinner. I pushed (without revealing I had seen texts) and she eventually said they had kissed but 'there was no overlap, as it was after she asked for space'!). Further snooping showed an EA as early as June...

I asked her to stop seeing him and to work on our marriage but she refused and said she planned to move out in the new year but that he isn't the reason she was leaving. I told her I was divorcing her and filed unreasonable behaviour before Xmas, looking to agree 50/50 shared custody of boys and financial settlement through midiation. I have risen to be the better man and have bitten my tongue so many times to ensure the best for my boys. I still believe this is a likely outcome but I don't believe a word she says anymore, so am guarded.

However, in lead up to Xmas and new year, we attempted to keep civil for the boys but she continues to text, call, him, hide phone from me, meeting him for lunch and was clearly destracted from being a mother (not to mention many serious lacks of judgment such as meeting him for drink during work time, then drink driving (came home stinking of booze) with my eldest son!). So I told her I knew everything, all the texts and that is her boss and threatened to call her work to tell them. She pleaded with me, still saying she's done nothing wrong. This is the only emotion I've seen out of her in last month. I've not told her work or his wife, yet, but am tempted once financial settlement is sealed by solicitor?

Shes agreed to move out end Jan but spent new year's with him and it's eating me up inside. I can't bear the thought of them together and what they've done to our family. I know that if he hadn't told her what she wanted to hear, we would have worked through our issues and that feels so unfair.

Do I give up, let her move out, carry on with divorce or give it one final try?

Apols for length of first post but it's been great just to get this down in black and white.

Sounds exactly like a reenactment of my first W's affair!

An older corporate VP-boss man with the promise of corporate promotion!

If I had only known everything about marital infidelity that I've learned here at TAM back then that I know now!

 

[TaDor]

Wow... UK trash shows are pretty much just as trashy as American ones. The guest look just as typical as Americans as well. Host seems more insulting... I've avoided such crap the decades... Until now.

Watch the 3rd video when they get to the DNA tests for her daughter... The cheating woman didn't know for sure who the father was... Shaking and freaking out.

To the OP:
She is your enemy. Period.
Use leverage to get what you want.

But expose to his family after final orders. A year I believe. She deserves to know as much as you did... Right?
You didn't blow up her marriage. Her husband and your wife did.

Be strong. Don't trust your stbxw at all. Buy a VAR. Use it Everytime you interact with your stbxw... Your ride is still just starting. See a therapist as well. Hit the gym. We tell you this because we've ALL been there.

 

[MattMatt]

You should come up north.

Or the West Midlands, even!

 

[Lostinthought61]

One of the reasons you want to expose this affair is to ensure that the soon to ex does not try to rewrite history as is often happens...there are several on here who took the high ground and are now paying the price....the exposing now may sound mean but it must be done so as protection for you in the future....be selective but definitely do it....and her family should know so the can not try to influence the kids in the future....and the ow should know because like you the should at least have options for their future, you take that away with out telling them.

 

[Tatsuhiko]

Another reason for exposure is the potential to bring your wife back to reality. Often the OM has no intention of leaving his wife, but is rather just using your wife for sex. When his own wife finds out, he's suddenly 100% in reconciliation mode. He might throw your wife under the bus, completely cutting her out, showing her just how "true" their "true love" was. It's at that point that a WW often realizes how much "true love" she still has for her own husband. And it's at that point that you can decide whether there's enough for reconciliation.

 

[Chaparral]

Exposure is used to break up the affair. Few cheaters can shoulder everyone knowing what they really are.
If you want a chance to save the marriage expose. If you just want to dump her, use the affair as a bargaining chip and expose after she can't renegotiate the deal.
It is that simple.

 

[inging]

Sorry you are here.
This sort of contempt is not that uncommon but that does not make it any less confusing. You are now the enemy to her happiness and as you detected they just have to work though some complexities so that they can be happy ever after.
They both genuinely believe this..

Blow it all apart.
This is vital as without full exposure to family and friends she will rewrite history and before you know it you will be getting every second weekend visitation to your own children at their new home.
Tell your children what is happening.
They are most likely thinking it is something they have done. Stick to the facts and make it age appropriate.
Encourage her to move out
This should be easy. She will move with indecent haste and you should not argue.
Continue Divorce
Move this along as fast as you can. She believes in rainbows and unicorns at the moment and her main focus is to be with her new man. Take advantage of that to get a good deal on the breakup

Your family
No longer includes her or your inlaws

Money
Secure finances. Cancel all credit cards and cancel shared phone plans
Work
Keep doing it. That is all.

Contact with her
Do not engage about anything other than money issues with the kids. You are going to have to change your life to accommodate the kids. Do it

DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE.

 

[turnera]

Are you trying to get her back or just move on?

 

[lostmyreligion]

@Melrose8888

Ask her to watch these videos https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mc6-U8KkpFs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XIA_6SeT_k

Then ask her to explain what is the difference between your wife and the cheating women on the Jeremy Kyle Show?

Thanks for that Matt. I went and watched. Just like you suggested.

Now I have to scrub my eyeballs. With steel wool.

And while I'm on about it, when did the language tack an 'r' on the end of 'idea'? Even the frickin' Royals say 'idear' wink2.

 

[MattMatt]

Thanks for that Matt. I went and watched. Just like you suggested.

Now I have to scrub my eyeballs. With steel wool.

And while I'm on about it, when did the language tack an 'r' on the end of 'idea'? Even the frickin' Royals say 'idear' wink2.

I have no idear.

 

[arbitrator]

Thanks for that Matt. I went and watched. Just like you suggested.

Now I have to scrub my eyeballs. With steel wool.

And while I'm on about it, when did the language tack an 'r' on the end of 'idea'? Even the frickin' Royals say 'idear' wink2.

Hey Lost! What product did you use to scrub those eyeballs of yours?

I just saw those videos and I pray that there is a store still open here so that I can go buy something to scrub mine!

And with due apologies to all canines, well, let's just say that cur dogs have far more scruples than that trash posing as refugees from the Jerry Springer Show!

 

[Melrose8888]

Jeremy Kyle aside (!) lots of useful debate, so thanks.

@sokillme - amazing, read all of that link and it is almost an exact copy of my situation! I've taken steps again today to take control, told her she won't be staying overnight at the house and have stuck to the 180 rules on communication.

I have IC tomorrow and can't wait to start on my individual recovery.

As soon as I have the seal on the financial settlement, I'll be exposing the affair to all parties and will start to tell my side of the story too. There is simply too much to lose to do it right now but I feel for the OBS.

Plus, it might sound familiar to those who have been through this but all the evidence I've seen and heard, it sounds as though they are obsessed with each other and he too will divorce and get together with the 'mother of my kids'. (See, I'm learning!)

I must also be honest, there is still the tiniest part of me that hopes she will come back pleading for R but I think that is so I can play along for a day and then tell her where to stick it.

The eldest kid is very smart but very emotional, he knows what is coming and when he and his brother are older, he will know why.

Any tips on how to turn the anger, rage and upset that rears it's ugly head into positive thinking / actions? It's still the part I struggle with, even on 'good' days like today.

 

[Danny4133]

Melrose,

The anger still remains somewhat (7 months) it won't properly dissipate until she's out the house properly, nor will the real healing begin until that time either fella. This is why the 180 us effective, it helps to keep her from pressing those buttons to get a rise from you, and beleive me she will try because she knows how. Even anger will feed her attention. Sucking it in, politely excuse yourself and punch the pillow out of her sight just after.

Excersise will help you flush of the frustration and pent up anger you hold inside. Think every bead of Sweat you push out is the poison she's lanced you with. Lift weights, go power walking, sing loud to your favourite tunes on the way to and from work in your car.

Don't throw bullets at her, boy it feels good to do it! I know this, but you have to retrain your brain and become as emotional as a rock in front of her. Closed ended responses only when necessary in a monotone way.

Follow this and you're on the track mate, trust me I'm living it atm and it works. Remember this is for YOU and YOUR healing. No more emotional abuse for Mr Melrose.

 

[honcho]

Jeremy Kyle aside (!) lots of useful debate, so thanks.

@sokillme - amazing, read all of that link and it is almost an exact copy of my situation! I've taken steps again today to take control, told her she won't be staying overnight at the house and have stuck to the 180 rules on communication.

I have IC tomorrow and can't wait to start on my individual recovery.

As soon as I have the seal on the financial settlement, I'll be exposing the affair to all parties and will start to tell my side of the story too. There is simply too much to lose to do it right now but I feel for the OBS.

Plus, it might sound familiar to those who have been through this but all the evidence I've seen and heard, it sounds as though they are obsessed with each other and he too will divorce and get together with the 'mother of my kids'. (See, I'm learning!)

I must also be honest, there is still the tiniest part of me that hopes she will come back pleading for R but I think that is so I can play along for a day and then tell her where to stick it.

The eldest kid is very smart but very emotional, he knows what is coming and when he and his brother are older, he will know why.

Any tips on how to turn the anger, rage and upset that rears it's ugly head into positive thinking / actions? It's still the part I struggle with, even on 'good' days like today.

Don't pin too much hope on your silence to obtain a good financial deal. Wayward are in lala land during an affairs and if you can get a fast quick deal done you may get a favorable financial deal but all to often the "real world" starts to creep into affair land and they fall apart. Many times once the paperwork stage starts the affair partner will bail because they are just looking for fun, not a relationship.

Time is not your ally, get a deal cut quickly, don't plan on her guilt to play into anything (she won't have any). Most affairs fall apart rather quickly. It will be a whole new ballgame once she gets dumped....

 

[bandit.45]

Also, don't hope that she will come crawling back. They rarely do. We have rarely seen such behavior on TAM.

Most waywards would rather live their lives miserable and alone than give up their pride and admit they screwed up and ask for forgiveness. It does happen, but very rarely.

Check out my thread "Myth: They Come Crawling Back".

 

[Tatsuhiko]

...all the evidence I've seen and heard, it sounds as though they are obsessed with each other and he too will divorce...

Easier said than done. It sounds more like he knows what words to use to get into your wife's pants. If I had to bet, I'd say he'll still be married to the same woman years from now (once she forgives him).

 

[sokillme]

Another reason for exposure is the potential to bring your wife back to reality. Often the OM has no intention of leaving his wife, but is rather just using your wife for sex. When his own wife finds out, he's suddenly 100% in reconciliation mode. He might throw your wife under the bus, completely cutting her out, showing her just how "true" their "true love" was. It's at that point that a WW often realizes how much "true love" she still has for her own husband. And it's at that point that you can decide whether there's enough for reconciliation.

And then you are stuck forever being plan B, no thanks. No one should accept this as a good deal, it's not. I feel bad for anyone who does, especially when there are SO MANY better people out there. I mean all you need is a basically decent person and you end up 1000 times better then a cheater. In my opinion no one accepts this as their fate really recovers.