[CounterPoint]

.....But she seemed happy with the suggestion, so we are taking her to the Sunday Funday for kids in Pretoria.

Way too soon, this woman is careless to be letting a strange man, whom she met only once, near her daughter. When you swapped divorce stories you were shocked at the extensive gaslighting and manipulation of her ex. Said ex, if he is the vindictive sort, might extend himself to make her life miserable because of this choice. And perhaps 'have a word with you' about the daughter, because the daughter will undoubtedly tell him of mom's new boyfriend. To an outside observer the day presents itself as a 'family outing' given your choice of Kids Theme Park + Mom + Daughter and even including Maddie, The Wonder Dog.

 

[D Johnson]

Doesn’t this also potentially bring the child’s biological father into the picture?

Understandably woman was “taken aback” she probably should have explained it was too soon to acquaint her daughter with a new male friend. Usually mothers are cautious about that. Maybe a little desperate for male attention.

Would imagine her ex won’t be thrilled for his daughter interacting with his ex’s male friend.

Wow. I didn't consider any of that. The last thing I want to do is make things complicated. It was probably a mistake to offer that.

 

[D Johnson]

It's nice that you want to do that, but it's WAY too soon to involve her daughter. That's really not appropriate at all, and it's a red flag that she'd even allow that. Kids should not be introduced to a revolving door of men or "mom's friend". They aren't stupid, they know, and if they don't they are young enough to get attached quickly.

My head would be on a stake if I ever did that. When my wife had a custody agreement with someone, they both agreed to no introducing new relationships or interests until things were serious and established for a full year.

This never occurred to me but it should have. I hope this wasn't a big mistake offering that.

 

[jlg07]

This never occurred to me but it should have. I hope this wasn't a big mistake offering that.

Just talk to her about it -- and say that you didn't want to pressure her into that -- and if she has ANY reservations about you meeting her D, no worries at all.
She may have been surprised, and then just agreed without thinking it through.
Best to learn to communicate like this on "hard" things early on.

 

[bobert]

This never occurred to me but it should have. I hope this wasn't a big mistake offering that.

I think you should cancel and reschedule the date. I'm not sure how you would go about that without making her feel a certain way (unless she already has reservations herself), but it's not a good idea at all to involve the child when you've had two dates with a woman you barely know... Maybe she doesn't know any better or let feelings get the best of her, but to me that's a serious red flag. It's also a slippery slope into moving way too quickly because you are setting the precedent that the daughter will part of future dates.

If the daughter is only with her father every other weekend, it will be hard to move at the pace you want without involving her too soon or the mother paying for a sitter. If they have right of first refusal in their custody agreement, depending on their terms, she would have to inform her ex that she will be going out if she needs a sitter. He doesn't get to know the who/where/why, but he can draw his own conclusions - especially if it becomes a regular thing.

You will have to be mindful of the dynamic with her ex. You mentioned he was manipulative and a gaslighter, so there could be some drama there if things move to quickly or even if he just finds out about you.

It's great that it's going well, and hopefully that continues. It's just WAY too soon to bring the child into it...

 

[Diana7]

This never occurred to me but it should have. I hope this wasn't a big mistake offering that.

Best to talk to her and see what she thinks. In the end it's what the two of you think is best that matters.
Mr D met my youngest two children within a week. Ok they were older, the youngest was 18, but I had them 24/7 so there were no times when they were with my ex.
I met his sons within a couple of weeks too, youngest was 17.

 

[D Johnson]

I think you should cancel and reschedule the date. I'm not sure how you would go about that without making her feel a certain way (unless she already has reservations herself), but it's not a good idea at all to involve the child when you've had two dates with a woman you barely know... Maybe she doesn't know any better or let feelings get the best of her, but to me that's a serious red flag. It's also a slippery slope into moving way too quickly because you are setting the precedent that the daughter will part of future dates.

If the daughter is only with her father every other weekend, it will be hard to move at the pace you want without involving her too soon or the mother paying for a sitter. If they have right of first refusal in their custody agreement, depending on their terms, she would have to inform her ex that she will be going out if she needs a sitter. He doesn't get to know the who/where/why, but he can draw his own conclusions - especially if it becomes a regular thing.

You will have to be mindful of the dynamic with her ex. You mentioned he was manipulative and a gaslighter, so there could be some drama there if things move to quickly or even if he just finds out about you.

It's great that it's going well, and hopefully that continues. It's just WAY too soon to bring the child into it...

This is really good advice. We were supposed to talk on the phone tonight after I get home. I'm going to think of a way to bring this up. Plus she might even think I put her on the spot by even asking. What a mess.

 

[D Johnson]

Way too soon, this woman is careless to be letting a strange man, whom she met only once, near her daughter. When you swapped divorce stories you were shocked at the extensive gaslighting and manipulation of her ex. Said ex, if he is the vindictive sort, might extend himself to make her life miserable because of this choice. And perhaps 'have a word with you' about the daughter, because the daughter will undoubtedly tell him of mom's new boyfriend. To an outside observer the day presents itself as a 'family outing' given your choice of Kids Theme Park + Mom + Daughter and even including Maddie, The Wonder Dog.
View attachment 128607

None of this even occurred to me. I wish it had. Still time to fix it I think. Going to talk to her about it tonight.

 

[Rus47]

I think you should cancel and reschedule the date.

Ditto.

 

[Quad73]

None of this even occurred to me. I wish it had. Still time to fix it I think. Going to talk to her about it tonight.

I think if you're honest re concern for her daughter and your second thoughts on the matter, she'll be impressed.

 

[1994]

What a mess.

Nah, give yourself some grace. You're navigating uncharted waters here. Sounds like she is as well. Just be honest with her and let her know it didn't occur to you that this may have been too forward this early in your relationship and that you would like to reschedule. I'd also add that she should be the one to offer you meeting her daughter when she's ready.

 

[bobert]

This is really good advice. We were supposed to talk on the phone tonight after I get home. I'm going to think of a way to bring this up. Plus she might even think I put her on the spot by even asking. What a mess.

If she hasn't dated much or thought that part through, she may have been caught off guard. If that’s the case, she could be glad when you bring it up or might even be planning to address it herself.

If you explain that it’s about care and respect for her daughter, and that you want to take things slow to build something solid before involving kids, it should show you’re being thoughtful and not rejecting her or her child.

You could also add that you hadn’t thought it through fully because you’re new to dating post-divorce and don’t have kids, so this isn’t something you’ve had to consider before. She should understand that.

Definitely don't beat yourself up over it.

 

[BigDaddyNY]

None of this even occurred to me. I wish it had. Still time to fix it I think. Going to talk to her about it tonight.

Don't be hard on yourself. It isn't like you are experienced at this kind of thing.

 

[Quad73]

None of this even occurred to me. I wish it had. Still time to fix it I think. Going to talk to her about it tonight.

How did the talk go?

 

[Divine&FemPatriciaBlue]

So, if I may? As a mother with a younger child, I personally would not introduce my son to anyone until I knew it was super serious. So as others have said it could possibly be a red flag of her behavior that she’s so willing to do that.

Now, on the other hand as a single mom with a younger child, I do find it kind that you want to spend time with this woman therefore, you have no issue, including her child.

I think the real issue or red flag as some have called it is just how soon that idea has been introduced, but if you’re excited about her and your really digging her, I understand why you offered.

In the same token, if she was taken back and freaked out, she should have said something upfront. That’s her responsibility to let you know, “hey, I’m actually not ready for that yet, but I appreciate the sentiment.” or whatever you want to say.

To me that is a bigger red flag for future communication issues. If she’s already walking on eggshells cause she’s worried she might upset you. That’s not a good sign.

 

[D Johnson]

So, if I may? As a mother with a younger child, I personally would not introduce my son to anyone until I knew it was super serious. So as others have said it could possibly be a red flag of her behavior that she’s so willing to do that.

Now, on the other hand as a single mom with a younger child, I do find it kind that you want to spend time with this woman therefore, you have no issue, including her child.

I think the real issue or red flag as some have called it is just how soon that idea has been introduced, but if you’re excited about her and your really digging her, I understand why you offered.

In the same token, if she was taken back and freaked out, she should have said something upfront. That’s her responsibility to let you know, “hey, I’m actually not ready for that yet, but I appreciate the sentiment.” or whatever you want to say.

To me that is a bigger red flag for future communication issues. If she’s already walking on eggshells cause she’s worried she might upset you. That’s not a good sign.

Your assessment is almost 100% spot on. This was almost exactly how the conversation went.

 

[D Johnson]

Hey guys. I spoke to S on the phone last night for over an hour. I brought up everything we talked about here and I told her I really didn't mean to put her on the spot with that suggestion. I told her I was thinking about it on the drive home (yeah I totally took credit for all the advice you guys gave) and realized she might not be comfortable with this for several really good reasons. I think she was relieved. She told me she didn't want to upset me by turning the offer down and it was something she was never expecting me to ask. I told her to never be hesitant to say anything to me. I'm a grown man, I can take a "no" answer or any correction with grace. She said she definitely wants me to meet her daughter when the time is right. We will just keep going as we are and enjoying each other's company when the time allows with no plans and no expectations.

So... crisis averted and a lesson learned for me. I've never had kids and never thought through what that means for divorced parents. We texted a few times today so all seems good.

I was at a cookout today with friends and family. Some mutual friends of my ex and I were there but no discussion of that situation. Mostly just wondering how the heck the Dawgs came up short against Bama.

 

[CounterPoint]

..... (yeah I totally took credit for all the advice you guys gave)

A win! Excellent news. One of the mods started an Investment Mega thread .... who knows what you can find on TAM.

 

[Diana7]

It's great you sorted that out
I admire you for dating a single mum, especially as you don't have children. A lot of men wouldn't do that.

 

[1994]

Mostly just wondering how the heck the Dawgs came up short against Bama.

Cuz Roll Tide!
You handled that really well.