At least she just posted a letter and didn't turn up again nor did some rash act.
She must be getting the message.

 

At least she just posted a letter and didn't turn up again nor did some rash act.
She must be getting the message.

He said in his post she 'taped it on his door'. I'm surprised she didn't scan the weather forecast and appear out of the mist on a dark and stormy night with heavy rain. But's that me. This is why the next time ex-wife gives YOU a letter send HER a letter, this time from your lawyer, just like Russ said to do. Make sure Maddie snarls loudly. Did those security cameras pick up the footage of her arrival on your doorstep? Keep that footage and that letter and copy any texts and keep it for evidence if she goes ticky-ticky-boom-boom. This is her second approach on your property, not kosher.

ETA - DO NOT under any circumstances tell her you are seeing someone; she'll get nosy and probably follow that person's Instagram or something similar. Accidentally run into them at the grocery kind of thing, maybe have friendly chit-chat about the baked goods.

 

Just tell her straight you are seeing someone and you would prefer she stopped all contact with you. And reiterate there will never be another time where you or her say us as an item. Wish her well in her new life as so far you are having a ball.

 

It may not be a good idea to tell her about the new lady. She may start trying to find out who she is..

 

@D Johnson ex comes accross as entitled person used to getting her way. Thanks to Daddy.

After showing up at HIS house when he returns from work, she ignored everything he told her then and trespassed to tape a multipage tome to his house while he is working.

I smell trouble from this one. Imagine the time and effort she has expended so far in fruitless effort. This borders on creepy “fatal attractions” territory. Unwilling to take “no” for an answer.

In his shoes, the attorney would have already written cease and desist letters. And maybe be investigating how to get a restraining order or whatever to stop her trespassing.

 

Unwilling to take “no” for an answer.

💯

DJ, we are in your corner. You have gone through a lot, likely will continue to for a while as she looks for someone to pay for her child. Know that we are cheering you on in your decision to live well without her. You are worth it.

 

CounterPoint's crystal ball (which is infallible) predicts a 'third time's the charm' effort. Maybe more.

 

It's possible.

 

That line about “she was really happy with you and just didn’t realize it”……. Total BS.

I KNOW I’m super happy with my wife. Every day is a holiday with her. All I want is just to have a long time to spend with her. If she loved you, she’d want the same as I do.
Your ex wife is a self-centered, spoiled brat who is a Chronic Discontent. She will likely never be truly happy with anyone. Rejoice when she takes up with the next poor bastard that comes along and is naive enough to think “he’s the one” for her, and she leaves you alone.

 

It was. But... it was a good line.

 

This isn't a remark specifically on your WW, but it fits. Changing one's character is very, very hard. Few people are able to do it, and it takes extraordinarily hard work and diligence. She had some deficiencies baked into her that allowed her to engage in an affair in the first place; then to conflate the dopamine rush she was getting with "true happiness;" then to make major life change decisions based on that temporary feeling; then to actually believe she is entitled to returning to her old life now that she knows better. That's a whole lot of red flags. I'm going to risk being 2x4ed for this, but it seems like there's a lot of social capital available for WWs who risk everything for "happiness," i.e. monkey branching to a husband deemed as higher value if they believe they are better than their current BH.
I only mention that last part because she sounds, like most cheaters, very superficial in her thinking. Almost like she was living out some kind of weird fantasy where a rich Prince Charming rescues the Princess from the drudgery of regular life so she can live out her days in the embrace of her true wuv. Until it isn't. And then she gets the follow-on fantasy of being welcomed back once she realizes true wuv was there all along.
You are a true success story, FWIW. You handled this with dignity and strength. I suspect there's a part of you that still has feelings, but it sounds like you know you deserve better. Time is your friend.

 

This isn't a remark specifically on your WW, but it fits. Changing one's character is very, very hard. Few people are able to do it, and it takes extraordinarily hard work and diligence. She had some deficiencies baked into her that allowed her to engage in an affair in the first place; then to conflate the dopamine rush she was getting with "true happiness;" then to make major life change decisions based on that temporary feeling; then to actually believe she is entitled to returning to her old life now that she knows better. That's a whole lot of red flags. I'm going to risk being 2x4ed for this, but it seems like there's a lot of social capital available for WWs who risk everything for "happiness," i.e. monkey branching to a husband deemed as higher value if they believe they are better than their current BH.
I only mention that last part because she sounds, like most cheaters, very superficial in her thinking. Almost like she was living out some kind of weird fantasy where a rich Prince Charming rescues the Princess from the drudgery of regular life so she can live out her days in the embrace of her true wuv. Until it isn't. And then she gets the follow-on fantasy of being welcomed back once she realizes true wuv was there all along.
You are a true success story, FWIW. You handled this with dignity and strength. I suspect there's a part of you that still has feelings, but it sounds like you know you deserve better. Time is your friend.

You can bet on it that id OP took her back it would only be a matter of time till she ran into another guy she thought was the next best thing.

 

They've been on one date, and the last thing he needs to do is bring ex drama into it.
[

I doubt she has any clue that he's been on a date. Not yet anyway. There is no reason to give her a heads up.

No chance she finds that out. The only folks who know are my brother and his wife, myself, and you folks. The lady, let's call her S, lives in a small city about 30 minutes' drive from here. She is safely out of this soap opera thankfully. I don't discuss my personal business with friends so I seriously doubt there will be any spill over. If this new relationship actually becomes a relationship (waaaay to soon to contemplate that) we'll deal with whatever BS happens then.

 

No chance she finds that out. The only folks who know are my brother and his wife, myself, and you folks. The lady, let's call her S, lives in a small city about 30 minutes' drive from here. She is safely out of this soap opera thankfully.

Well, Just keep your eye on the rear view mirror next time you are on the way over to this woman’s house…. Your ex seems like the stalker type for sure.

 

HIs ex doesn't need to know anything about his life, not even the most miniscule detail. She is not a part of his life anymore. He's already made it crystal clear that he is done with her. Telling her about this brand new relationship will only make her want to poke her nose into it and likely try to ruin it for him. The less she knows the better.

Exactly

 

OP - Reread @oldshirt post #38 from Dec 10th last year and earlier. Sometimes a surprise, preemptive strike is needed to drive the point home.

OK now the thing you need to be aware of is there is a very good chance once things start getting real and papers start getting filed and the realities of the situation start sinking in, there is a very real chance she will show up at your door in the middle of the night wanting a do over.

This will be a certainty if this other guy decides she was fun to fool around with as a married woman as a side piece but doesn’t actually want her full time as a partner who will now want him to change her flat tires in the rain and kill big scary spiders around the house.

Heed this warning seriously for this happens all the time.

guys that get with married women do so because WWs are all fun and games with the OM because they have a husband at home to pay bills, fix leaky fawcets, pick up dog poop in the yard and change their flats.

Once the WW starts expecting the OM to do those things, he often looses interest and bails.

That leaves her out in the cold so she comes back assuming you’ll just take her back after some crocodile tears and claiming she had some kind of crazy moment.

Its easy to think you’ve had some kind of victory and best out the OM and that she has come to her senses.

but before you consider welcoming her back, you need to acknowledge that she dumped you with cold calculation and sincerely thought the OM was the bigger, better deal (BBD)

she had lost all love and respect and desire for you.

She’s just back now because he didn’t actually want her after all and now she needs a roof over her head.

I had to look up what it was I had said earlier in the thread, but yes here we are.

 

Now in regards to whether you should tell her about seeing this other woman.

That goes completely against what I just said above doesn’t it.

Here’s the thing, you and your ex are already in contact and interacting with each other and already have a dynamic going between you whether you want Rod admit that or not.

So if you tell her you’ve got a Friday night dinner date at some chick’s house what is the actual message she’s going to receive?

Answer = she’ll think you’re trying to make her jealous. She’ll think you’re trying to “show her” and to even the score.

She’ll see it as a competition and challenge…. A game she can possible win.

Again, that gives her a seat at your table, a place in your life and heart, and it gives her centrality which is crack to cheaters. It’s irresistible and so so addictive.

But if she hears not a word from you but here’s from the people of the town or sees another car in your driveway when she comes to bring you a plate of cookies, what does that tell her??

The thing I’m trying to get across her is you can’t tell her you’re done with her because as long as you respond to her in any fashion, you aren’t actually done.

And you can’t say you are moving on with your life without her in it because as long as you are responding to her, she is still in it.

You have to actually BE done with her and you have to actually move on with your life without having her be in it.

And to actually do those things, you have to stop responding in any manner.

 

I really didn't want to get into this, but it does add some perspective on WHY I called her. I don't think she was serious about it, but I didn't want to take that chance. There are things I do NOT want on my conscience, so I called her after the letter to make things clear. She suggested the pregnancy might be the obstacle to some form of reconciliation. I wanted to make sure she understood that was completely false. There was no chance.

No matter how I feel about it personally, it's not my place to tell her what she should or shouldn't do. And I do NOT want to be tied to any outcome of any more of her decisions, even unjustly. That has already happened too much.

I doubt it was a serious threat. I can't see her doing it. But a year ago I couldn't see her leaving for someone else. I really can't see her family going along with it. They would try to talk her out of it. And even if she does not go back to Hunter Biden, they have the resources to help her. I think this was just manipulation and I fell for it. But I didn't want to take the chance. So, she had one more phone call than I wanted to make. But now, this was the last. If this continues, I will call the lawyer. That upset me a lot.

 

I really didn't want to get into this, but it does add some perspective on WHY I called her. I don't think she was serious about it, but I didn't want to take that chance. There are things I do NOT want on my conscience, so I called her after the letter to make things clear. She suggested the pregnancy might be the obstacle to some form of reconciliation. I wanted to make sure she understood that was completely false. There was no chance.

No matter how I feel about it personally, it's not my place to tell her what she should or shouldn't do. And I do NOT want to be tied to any outcome of any more of her decisions, even unjustly. That has already happened too much.

I doubt it was a serious threat. I can't see her doing it. But a year ago I couldn't see her leaving for someone else. I really can't see her family going along with it. They would try to talk her out of it. And even if she does not go back to Hunter Biden, they have the resources to help her. I think this was just manipulation and I fell for it. But I didn't want to take the chance. So, she had one more phone call than I wanted to make. But now, this was the last. If this continues, I will call the lawyer. That upset me a lot.

You seem like a caring guy. No matter what, that innocent child doesn't deserve to die so you did the right thing by telling her that it would make no difference.

 

Nice update. There is a user on Reddit ( u/Any-Assault) who seems be living a version of your life, down to dating someone new. Like you, he is an outstanding writer. Unlike you, he cut deal with her in his divorce that his wife has to remain no contact for a year. If she breaks that, she has to pay $7,500. It's a harrowing, but also entertaining read. Maybe worth an evening with Maddie and Mr. Beam.

 

Guessing it was a veiled threat to get an abortion?
That's how I read it but I may well be wrong

The implication that she thought the pregnancy was what was keeping them apart was leading OP to worry that she might takes steps to solve that issue which would not help her case in landing him again.

Ok you may be right.

If I were in that situation, in reality I probably would have replied the same and told her that would not change my position at all.

But I still stand by my advice as harsh as it may be. No response is still the loudest and clearest response.

 

..... She suggested the pregnancy might be the obstacle to some form of reconciliation. I wanted to make sure she understood that was completely false. There was no chance.

..... Guessing it was a veiled threat to get an abortion? That's how I read it but I may well be wrong

..... Her next threat is going to be some form of self harm or shall we say self elimination.

OP - She is trying to entice you back by offering to get an abortion, presupposing the unborn child is the cause of your reluctance. Diana is correct, it is not a threat it is meant to be a 'carrot', an incentive to re-marry, and, if she goes ahead and aborts she can state that she 'did it for you' as the price of reconciliation. See the spin? And even if you STILL reject her even after the abortion you both 'agreed to', then, she, consumed by guilt, she will threaten suicide or something else over what she'd done. I said in one of my last posts that she will engage in high emotional drama, this is a likely Act III. All published on social media.

At this time you have no documentation of your desire to go no contact, it's all verbal which is not good. It increases your risk profile which is why I advised keeping the footage of the unauthorized access, the letter and any texts. Get thee to a lawyer.

ETA- Ensure any and all future conversations either in person or by phone are recorded or witnessed by others or in the lawyers office. Shut.This.Down.Now.

 

I'd send her a certified letter, return receipt requested that said, "Never trespass on my property again or I will get a restraining order against you. "

 

S mentioned she likes Chocolate Dipped Strawberries. I just ordered a box of them to pick up on the way to her place for dinner Friday night!

 

Isn’t it amazing that an adult female in 2025 has an “unintended” pregnancy? Maybe her original intent was to snag AP into marrying her.

Loads of pregnancies are unplanned. I don't get how people still don't use birth control.

I know multiple women who got pregnant while using various forms of birth control.
Forms of birth control failures: the pill, IUD, diaphragm + foam
All of these women were using as prescribed.

 

I know multiple women who got pregnant while using various forms of birth control.
Forms of birth control failures: the pill, IUD, diaphragm + foam
All of these women were using as prescribed.

Yes of course but there are also so many pregnancies due to no birth control being used.

It's interesting to me that couples of my parents generation who had children in the 50's almost all had just 2 children. Birth control was totally different then, many only had the diaphragm or similar yet they managed to avoid more children.

The only family I can think of around us in the mid to late 50's early 60's who had a big family, in this case 5 children, were RC.
Almost all of my friends at school had one or occasionally 2 siblings. I wonder how they did it?

As for my grandparents generation they seemed to generally have many more. Not sure if that was planned or not. Dad was one of 9
Mum one of 6, one died as a baby.

.

 

To avoid turning this into an off topic birth control thread, I have started a new thread to discuss unplanned pregnancies and family size. Click Here.

 

Hey all. Had a wonderful dinner with S last night. The dinner was excellent, but the company and conversation were even better. She lives with her young daughter in an apartment in a nearby city. We kept the conversation light and fun but towards the end did get into the elephants in the room: our divorces. Not the details. Just the short summaries. Her story sounded a lot like mine only with more gaslighting and manipulation. But after reading some of the posts and experiences on this forum I guess all the infidelity experiences follow the same pattern. The one thing they all have in common is selfishness. Selfish people place gratification of their selfishness over any promise or obligation to anyone else. It's why we can't have nice things.

Anyway, after dinner talked hours. It felt so good to just be able to relax and enjoy someone's company without having to be "on guard". I guess I didn't even realize how tense I've been for months. Since this whole thing started last year, it's been like that. I asked her out for next weekend, but she said she has her daughter. Her ex has every other weekend. So, I suggested we do something she can enjoy too. I think that took her aback and I was afraid I'd overstepped. But she seemed happy with the suggestion, so we are taking her to the Sunday Funday for kids in Pretoria. And you can bring dogs so Maddy can come too. Looking forward to that. And.... drumroll please... first kiss happened. Folks, driving home I realized I haven't felt this good in a long time. Years even. Things with the ex were going downhill long before she left. Now I know why obviously. But this is like that first warm spring morning after a cold winter, and you realize everything is going to be clean and new. It's a great feeling!

Now as for the ex. I got nothing. No news, not contact, no word, not nothing. Today is the 9th day since her letter and my response phone call and all is quiet. Maybe it really is over. God, I hope so. No man was ever more ready to just move on with life.

 

we are taking her to the Sunday Funday for kids

Hmm..

 

Doesn’t this also potentially bring the child’s biological father into the picture?

Understandably woman was “taken aback” she probably should have explained it was too soon to acquaint her daughter with a new male friend. Usually mothers are cautious about that. Maybe a little desperate for male attention.

Would imagine her ex won’t be thrilled for his daughter interacting with his ex’s male friend.

 

Wow. I didn't consider any of that. The last thing I want to do is make things complicated. It was probably a mistake to offer that.

 

So, if I may? As a mother with a younger child, I personally would not introduce my son to anyone until I knew it was super serious. So as others have said it could possibly be a red flag of her behavior that she’s so willing to do that.

Now, on the other hand as a single mom with a younger child, I do find it kind that you want to spend time with this woman therefore, you have no issue, including her child.

I think the real issue or red flag as some have called it is just how soon that idea has been introduced, but if you’re excited about her and your really digging her, I understand why you offered.

In the same token, if she was taken back and freaked out, she should have said something upfront. That’s her responsibility to let you know, “hey, I’m actually not ready for that yet, but I appreciate the sentiment.” or whatever you want to say.

To me that is a bigger red flag for future communication issues. If she’s already walking on eggshells cause she’s worried she might upset you. That’s not a good sign.

 

So, if I may? As a mother with a younger child, I personally would not introduce my son to anyone until I knew it was super serious. So as others have said it could possibly be a red flag of her behavior that she’s so willing to do that.

Now, on the other hand as a single mom with a younger child, I do find it kind that you want to spend time with this woman therefore, you have no issue, including her child.

I think the real issue or red flag as some have called it is just how soon that idea has been introduced, but if you’re excited about her and your really digging her, I understand why you offered.

In the same token, if she was taken back and freaked out, she should have said something upfront. That’s her responsibility to let you know, “hey, I’m actually not ready for that yet, but I appreciate the sentiment.” or whatever you want to say.

To me that is a bigger red flag for future communication issues. If she’s already walking on eggshells cause she’s worried she might upset you. That’s not a good sign.

Your assessment is almost 100% spot on. This was almost exactly how the conversation went.

 

Hey guys. I spoke to S on the phone last night for over an hour. I brought up everything we talked about here and I told her I really didn't mean to put her on the spot with that suggestion. I told her I was thinking about it on the drive home (yeah I totally took credit for all the advice you guys gave) and realized she might not be comfortable with this for several really good reasons. I think she was relieved. She told me she didn't want to upset me by turning the offer down and it was something she was never expecting me to ask. I told her to never be hesitant to say anything to me. I'm a grown man, I can take a "no" answer or any correction with grace. She said she definitely wants me to meet her daughter when the time is right. We will just keep going as we are and enjoying each other's company when the time allows with no plans and no expectations.

So... crisis averted and a lesson learned for me. I've never had kids and never thought through what that means for divorced parents. We texted a few times today so all seems good.

I was at a cookout today with friends and family. Some mutual friends of my ex and I were there but no discussion of that situation. Mostly just wondering how the heck the Dawgs came up short against Bama.

 

..... (yeah I totally took credit for all the advice you guys gave)

A win! Excellent news. One of the mods started an Investment Mega thread .... who knows what you can find on TAM.

 

It's great you sorted that out
I admire you for dating a single mum, especially as you don't have children. A lot of men wouldn't do that.

 

It is difficult if you do not have children of your own. But as you have been open with the lady that is a good thing. When you meet again just reiterate that you have only experience as an adult and you would need guidance where children are concerned. Inform her that you need guidance from her where children are concerned

 

I’m a few days late in regards to the date with the daughter but yeah I am in agreement with the others that this is waaay too soon to be doing anything with kids.

I know you meant well and were carried away by having a nice time with a flesh and blood woman after all you’ve been though and she was also probably getting carried away as well and accepted the other without thinking through as well.

So it’s good that both of you have come down from your hormone-high and looking at that a little more rationally.

I hate to sound like a butthole, but if you do start to feel serious about this chick, you SHOULD start to interact with the daughter and observe their home life and get a glimpse of what getting involved with a single mother because there is a chance once you catch a glimpse of that life, you’ll want no part of it and run for the hills.

So there really is a fine line between establishing a relationship before integrating with the kids vs getting TOO involved with the mom and them discovering that you hate being around her kids and hate the lifestyle of being mom’s boyfriend or a potential step father.

Especially since you do not have kids of your own.

Many a childfree man has gotten involved with a single mother only to find he hates her kids or does not like the lifestyle of being involved with a single mom family.

So you don’t want to get involved with kids too soon, but neither do you want to wait too long and get too attached to the mom only to find out you don’t like stepping into that lifestyle.