I'm sorry for what you are going through. This is hard, really hard.

Do you own the home he is staying in?

 

Repeat after me:

Request for either Separation or Trial Separation = Probable Physical Infidelity

No further explanation required!

What absolutely better way is there to get your "thigh spreads" in with somebody else, all without being leered at by a spouse?

 

Never in a million years would I ever thought this would happen to us. He has always been my best friend. He is a changed man now so I dont even know who I am looking at when I see him anymore.
We lived in an apartment but he is staying there bc I dont want the memories of the place to haunt me. I would rather be with my parents who have been so supportive anyways. I still have yet to get my stuff out though.
Not sure what my next step is. I doubt i can afford a lawyer and STBXH wants to do mediation. He knows he is willing to pay financially for everything. Just sucks bc i dropped out of college to watch our newborn and support his job/goals. Ive been a SAHM for 5 years with our 2 kids. He is willing to not work on our marriage and just see the kids 2 days a month (he only has 2 days off a month from work).
My 5 year old has cried multiple times bc he doesnt understand why we are living separately. My husband does not give a **** about his feelings... he literally said "too bad, **** happens" when i told him.
Never marrying anyone again ever. How can you trust them?

 

Never in a million years would I ever thought this would happen to us. He has always been my best friend. He is a changed man now so I dont even know who I am looking at when I see him anymore.
We lived in an apartment but he is staying there bc I dont want the memories of the place to haunt me. I would rather be with my parents who have been so supportive anyways. I still have yet to get my stuff out though.
Not sure what my next step is. I doubt i can afford a lawyer and STBXH wants to do mediation. He knows he is willing to pay financially for everything. Just sucks bc i dropped out of college to watch our newborn and support his job/goals. Ive been a SAHM for 5 years with our 2 kids. He is willing to not work on our marriage and just see the kids 2 days a month (he only has 2 days off a month from work).
My 5 year old has cried multiple times bc he doesnt understand why we are living separately. My husband does not give a **** about his feelings... he literally said "too bad, **** happens" when i told him.
Never marrying anyone again ever. How can you trust them?

Tell Him in response that not only does "crap happen," but so do vicious family law attorney's fees, property division, alimony, and child support payments!

 

Also the female coworker my husband is "seeing" got left by her husband a few years ago. You would think she knows how it feels but I guess not. She used to try to be so friendly with me and we hung out a few times. Now she and my husband backstabbed me. Thats my life!!

 

Yeah he doesnt care about paying out money. He just wants to live the single life with no responsiblities other than providing. He just wants to be able to screw any female he wants without feeling guilty he is married. We didnt even have a bad sex life. He blames the way is acting on me.

 

Thank you for the feedback. I def want to do 180 and just take care of myself and kids for now.

I am so dissapointed in myself for trusting him. I always had a weird feeling about her and he always promised me there was nothing between them. He is her boss so he even assured me he wasnt stupid enough to be with someone from work and risk his job. Look at him now. I have thought about telling HR but we have way to many bills to pay. Especially all those dates he is going on to expensive places. He even gave the OW his bank card so i see all the purchases being made on my bank statement.

Feel like I am in a freaking dream right now. I cant believe this is my real life

 

I would just get the divorce done asap while he is feeling generous. And get a lawyer it's very important remember you have to take care of your children.

 

So sorry your having such a hard time but really all you have to do is be patient and see what karma dishes out to him. It won't be long when he realizes that he threw away a nice home for a promise of a lascivious sex with unknown females then he'll want to come back. Take care of yourself and your children and protect them from his selfishness. Be weary when the partying stops, he'll want to come back and that's when you need to guard your heart.

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk

 

I am so sorry your husband did this to you

Please realize that HE did this, NOT you. In your first post, you say you take responsibility for not being the perfect wife. As you should. But PLEASE realize that is a separate issue - TOTALLY separate - from HIS cheating. He made the choice to cheat - HE did that. People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Have you seen your dr yet? You need to be tested for STD's. Also, please take care of yourself, make sure to eat and sleep. I know it's hard with kids to take care of too, but you need to. Do you have family you can count on? My parents were a godsend when I left my first husband - I had a 4 month old, a 2 year old and a 4 year old.

Just take it one day at a time. I am glad you're calling him your soon to be EX husband - that is as it should be. Be strong.

 

Time to get him to foot part of the bill to get you back into college as well... part of your mediation.

5 years worth at least...

 

Exactly. This is one of the legitimate moral purposes of alimony. You gave up your college education for the family. For him. So he owes it to you to finish your own education.

Most atty's will give you a free 15 to 30 minute consultation where you can get your basic questions answered. You can find out from a real atty how things generally go where you live. They give this free consult as a sales pitch to get you as a client, so don't feel bad about going.

You can do research online about your state laws. Your state website should have some do-it-yourself divorce resources, which is a good place to get some information. You can even use the state's standard divorce and custody paperwork.

Because you have children, you really should have a lawyer involved. You can use a lawyer as an advisor and to review paperwork before you sign it. You don't have to use a lawyer to argue with your stbxh's lawyer. You can file the paperwork yourself even if you use a lawyer to advise/review. You would pay per hour for your lawyer's time. The details and specific words used in the custody agreement are critical. That, to me, is where you need an atty to advise and review.

I would suggest you immediately start documenting everything. Write down a timeline of your marriage and of his infidelity. Document what he has done and said regarding parenting. This documentation can be extremely helpful if it comes to a court fight.

Mediation is a good thing. Just be sure you know what you want before you get there. Know what you are entitled to as a minimum by the law. Ask for more than you want, and give away things you don't care about in order to get things you do want. I suggest you don't sign any binding agreements without thinking about it overnight and/or having your atty review it. Don't get pressured into signing anything until you are certain you are ok with it.

 

He seems to want to be single really bad. Give him that freedom but at a high price. Get as much money as he needs to take care of his two kids. Any family law lawyer can get you what you and your children rightfully deserve and ditch the mediation attempt he wants to throw at you. You may mediate, but not before a consultation with a lawyer educates you on what you are entitled to have for the kids and their well being. You will surprised just how much you can gain with his need to have his freedom.

Take advantage of that and take advantage of a lawyer's consultation. You may very well end up needing one anyway. Don't trust your STBX! It is in your best interest not to trust him as he is indeed a different man and you don't want to mediate with this stranger who has no feelings for his children, let alone his left behind spouse.

Please find the money from wherever you can. You can pay it back once your get the financial things straight when you divorce.

 

Krissy, so sorry for what you are going through
This man is no longer the man you married. He is blaming you because that is what cheaters do, they do not take responsibility for their own actions.

Make sure all family, his included knows what he has done.
You should consider letting his work place know such as the HR department. Surely his OW colleague knows he is married with kids.
Talk to a lawyer, of course he wants mediation, do not let him call the shots on the seperation and divorce, he wants it as easy as possible, don't let him control the situation.
Go 180 on him, go to IC, take care of yourself, move on with your life and kids.

The fact he only wants to see the kids twice a month tells you all you need to know about your WH. He is not husband or father material. He will regret this but it will be too late.

He is in cloud nine with his new OW, the dream will crumble but hopefully you will be long gone by then and have somebody in your life who cares for you.

Hell no! Keep that bastard working a paying for his coldness and cruelty.
Don't dare mess yp his work. Go to school, get a career of your own, and this guy will seem like a distant memory when you meet a good man. Yes bad things happen. None of this is your fault.
Grieve your loss. When you're ready, you will likely meet another man and you will hopefully find a good one.
Don't give up on happiness.

 

Don't make any legal decisions until you have bought and thoroughly read through a book on divorce in your state and had a consultation with at least one attorney after you have read the book. Also read some books on custody and divorce in general. You do not want to go into this blindly. Know your rights. It's much better to be prepared with knowledge before you make any decision or even before you speak to an attorney.

 

It is very likely that the reason your husband was distant was that he was cheating. Your husband didn't betray you because you were upset about his behavior. When your husband began to betray you, you sensed something was wrong and you got upset. That is the likely scenario.

Don't believe any of his blame shifting and rewriting of history. He's trying to avoid feeling guilty about being an ass.

 

You can also ask for interim spousal support and child support while the divorce is in progress.

“Interim spousal support or interim alimony is what you get during the divorce process.

Then you can ask that he pay you rehabilitative alimony (or spousal support – diff states use diff terms) while you go back and finish your degree. In some states you can get this for half the term of your marriage.

 

Thank you guys for all your support and feedback. After being a doormat for the past month to try to win him back, I finally told him I want a Divorce too and ready to move on with my life. HE STARTED TO FINALLY FEEL GUILTY. He started asking my about my feelings and I told him i will not talk to him about anything but the kids and the divorce. He started to freak out!!

All this separation I tried to talk him about my feelings and working on our marriage. He was so indifferent. He didnt care at all. Now he is showing feelings bc he always thought I would be there no matter what. **** that.

Already setting up a consultation with a lawyer. Wish me luck.

 

Good for you! Stay the course, you dont want to let him back in. He isnt sorry, he just suddenly realized his life is being turned upside down!

 

He's just pooping his pants because divorce is going to hurt him financially and create stress with his new woman toy. You found your lady balls. Hold on to them.

 

Yup, don't under estimate the power of our ovaries! >

They hold a ton of "eggs" (serious pun intended). :surprise:

*eggs is what in my country Americans refer as balls...lol

 

Wishing you LOTS AND LOTS of luck!!!

 

Reality is setting in for him. He expected you to wait around until he was ready to come back. Don't be surprised if he starts pushing to R.

 

Been on a roller coaster of emotions but trying as hard as I can to stay positive. Sucks that he has put me and our kids through hell, yet I still love him. How are you suppose to get over someone so fast when you were madly in love with them for years? I can't 180 right not bc we are trying to figure out the money situation

On top of that, I have to be separated a year before I can even file for divorce bc of the laws in my state so I feel like I can move forward, but not completely foward with my life.

Of course I still want a divorce but just feeling so emotional!!

 

You can still do the 180, keep your conversations strictly professional, the way you would with a working colleague or when paying a visit to the bank, no emotions etc. If he tries to start speaking about things other than the finances or the kids, tell him, I do not wish to go there, there is nothing to talk about, just cut him off immediately, do NOT engage, that is how he will try and pull you back in again. As far as possible make him write to you via email, even if you are in the same house. Say you want everything in black and white from here on out. If he starts writing you long song stories, do not read them, delete them. Stay strong.
Keep a record of all exchanges, if possible VAR (not sure about legality where you live). He is not your friend, he is the enemy, remember he is willing to dump you AND the kids so he can have a single life, let him, but show no mercy.

 

Normally the advise is to expose at work but in your case (the exception) do not.

If you do not have your own bank account and ask him to have the CS directly deposited from his paycheck. This is a must, do not depend on a. Check or transfer from his account.

This site will give you a good run down on the asset division and child support guidlines of your state State Specific Divorce and Custody Information - Divorce Source.

Focus your actions on establishing a post divorce life. Do not allow him to talk about putting a hold on the divorce. If pushed say "yes we might get back together again but we need CS and custody agreements done first.

Finally yes it is a year cooling off but that does not mean the paperwork cannot be done and agreed to tomorrow.

Be well

 

It looks like I might have to hire an attorney afterall. He is trying to pay a very low amount in both child support and spousal support and not willing to help me till I finish school when he can definitely afford it. I really wanted to avoid it at all costs and did my best to work with him but at this point all we are doing is argueing and blaming each other.

He is being very difficult to work with. Wish it didn't have to be this way. He is the one that wanted a divorce. I wanted to work things out and do MC but he REFUSED and then I found out it only took him days to start dating other people after he initially asked for space.

Never expected him to act this way EVER. Do their real personalities ever come back?

 

that is their real personality!

 

The gloves usually come off when money is involved. He wants freedom but he doesn't want it to cost him.

My thinking (after ending a marriage of more than four decades) is that we don't truly ever know what someone is capable of. We feel we totally know them but we don't.

 

It is not your fault. I cheated and I lost my wife, we are separated and she wants a divorce and to move on. I've been fighting it and through this site realized I was being selfish. If he isn't trying, then it's a wrap and you (like me) need to move on. It sucks, but you'll get through it. You have two kids to put first.

As for not marrying again, I feel the same way even though I'm the one who did wrong. I'm told the pain gets lighter day by day. Good luck.

 

Of course he's trying to pay a low amount! He needs plenty of money to chase women. He doesn't care about you at all anymore.
You will need a good attorney.
I will say this: until you're living in your own and have to work together pay bills yourself, you have no idea how much money it takes to live and support yourself.
He does. He knows what he makes. So realize that he has to support himself and the kids, too.

You shouldn't try to take everything. But for sure expect him to treat you fairly. Right now, he's worried about himself.

 

He only has them 2 days a month. And those 2 days a month he has them he spends it with his girlfriend and her son too. They do everything together. They sleep in the same house together with our kids. We have only been separated a little over a month. He has disrespected me in so many ways. I hate him so much yet still love him. Im not sure why I still do when he is being such a low life

I started 180 last week and he finally started to show some sort of remorse but then early this week i backtracked and he reeled me in and gave me hope ("a lot can change in a year"). Then a few hours later when i tried talking to him again he was being an A-hole again and said he still wants divorce. I started 180 again so i need to do my best to stick with it.

 

OMG please just stop.

Someone like this doesn't even know the MEANING of the word remorse.

Please STOP doing the 'pick me' dance. It's degrading and humiliating.

You need to speak to your lawyer about having a morality clause put in your divorce agreement. Many betrayed spouses have had this clause put into their divorce papers and it states that Romeo isn't allowed to have any 'overnight guests' while he's got custody of the children those whopping 2 whole days a month that he's pretending to be their father. I'd be willing to bet he's dumped 90% of their care during those two days onto his girlfriend's shoulders. I doubt he'll be the recipient of the Father of the Year Award anytime soon. What a colossal POS.

Make sure your lawyer sucks this loser dry for everything he's got.

Lastly, do NOT fall for his bull**** phone calls and texts when he's suddenly acting all misty-eyed about 'missing you' and 'missing his family.' Those will likely be ploys designed to soften you up so you're more agreeable to what HE wants to pay in alimony and child support. Don't fall for it. LET YOUR LAWYER HANDLE IT!!!