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So hurt, words cannot accurately describe the pain...

55K views 164 replies 60 participants last post by  yottazenzen  
#1 ·
Wife of 20 years goes sends a text on Friday saying she was going to the movies at 11:00pm with girlfriends. At about 4:30am my 8 year old comes down from his room because "mommy never came in and tucked me in" (she normally will come in and scratch his back at night . I take him back upstairs and scratch his back and check on our 3 year old.

The next morning, I ask her how the movie was and she said fine. I asked when she got in and she said 1:00 or 2:00am. I then tell her what happened with 8 year old and she says, "well, we went and had drinks after". I tell her that no bars are open at 4:30am and she said they just hung out near her van and smoked cigs after the movie.

I ask her what is with all the lies and she breaks down and tells me she isn't happy and she isn't in love with me anymore and hasn't been for a long while. Then, she drops a bomb on me...she had a several month affair with a relative (cousin) who is also married with kids. She said they hooked up in Vegas. I feel like such a fool because I was so happy she was having a girl's weekend with her friend in Vegas to get away from the kids.

She goes on to tell me that she wanted him to leave his wife but he wouldn't. He breaks it off with her after the sexual encounter and she falls into a pit of despair. Her heart is broken. The length of the affair was several months, mostly phone calls, sexting (she said they would video chat of themselves masterbating) and she said she loved this guy deeply and he her...he just didn't want to leave his wife...I guess he's a real good guy, huh.

She says she wants a divorce, even after I told her that I'd even go to counseling with her about this, she didn't want to. We saw a lawyer the other day and we're being very amicable about everything. She's in line for a large sum of money from a grandparent so she doesn't want my 401k or any kind of spousal support.

The lawyer technically represents me (wife doesn't have one) but she is present when the lawyer and I discuss everything. Our decree will include 50/50 joint custody, lowered child support, kids can't leave the county, 5-2-2-5 visitation.

I think it all sounds pretty fair. We plan to sell our current house, use the $ to pay off any debt, thanks to the lower child support payments, I can get another (smaller) house for those two beautiful boys of ours. It's very important to me to keep some sense of normalcy for them. I want them to have a house , their own rooms, etc.

So, as for the pain. It is immense. I wake up every day crying. I've lost 10 pounds or so over the past 4 days. I can't eat anything really. Everything sucks. I feel so betrayed...who is this person I've been married to for 20 f'n years? I really think she had a plan to wait for our 3 year old to turn 5 so he'd be in school so she could roll out on me then, but I don't know for sure.

One good thing, is she is being pretty honest about the affair. She revealed some pretty explicit details, so I don't think she's hiding anything else but at this point, there is a trust issue. She seems pretty good at lying.

I'm so heartbroken and feel destroyed. Utterly destroyed. I just can't believe she could do this to me and these boys.

She says I don't pay enough attention to her, that we only have sex 1 or 2 times/week. She wants to have sex every single day. She is kind of self-centered and very very needy (she admits this). She basically wants that beginning feeling you have of being in love and being chased...all the time 24x7 forever.

I tell her that isn't realistic...things cool down after 20 f'n years.

There's no turning back though. In 60 days we'll be divorced and I'll be a single dad. I don't know how I can learn to trust anybody ever again.

One funny question she asked me a long time ago that always bugged me-if she or one of the kid's fell off a boat, who would I save. I said the kid. She hated that answer. She thinks it should be her. If it were me and a kid that fell over, I'd want her to save the kid...but that's just me. Every single person I ask that question to, choose the kid. Nobody chooses the spouse.

She also thinks that sex is the key to marriage. I always thought friendship was. What are you going to do when you're 70 and can't get it up? You can have sex with a stranger but you can only be friends with somebody special.

Anyway, I'm a bit scared about being a 40 year old single dad, back out there in the jungle and my heart aches every second of the day.

Thanks for reading...
 
#3 ·
Sorry for your pain.

What a sh!tty ending to a 20 year marriage.
Sounds to me like there were a lot of issues between you
two that didn't get communicated properly.

Hell, had I not caught my WW and the OM 3 months into
the A, maybe I'd be in the same position as you.

The pain, the weight loss, the sorrow.... all very normal.

What comes through in your post is your love for your kids.

Don't lose that. Let them be your guiding light from this
moment forward. You can be happier at 40, without someone
who thinks so little of you.

I wish you the best.

Side note: click on the link in my sig for my story. Might be similarities you can learn from.
 
#4 ·
Anyway, I'm a bit scared about being a 40 year old single dad, back out there in the jungle
I'm sorry for what you are going through. Please take care of yourself physically -eat something, even if it's just cereal. Your kids need you to be in decent physical shape, and your body definitely will feel the effects of the stress, so at least give it your best shot to stay healthy by eating.

I will say, however, that you don't really have anything to worry about as a "40 year old single dad, back out there in the jungle". Every 40+ divorced single dad I've known in the last 5 years has gone on to very happily date and marry again, some of them within a reasonably short amount of time. I'm sure you're not ready to think about this, but it's not anything to fear. Many single women in their 40's would be happy to be with a good man.
 
#5 ·
One funny question she asked me a long time ago that always bugged me-if she or one of the kid's fell off a boat, who would I save. I said the kid. She hated that answer. She thinks it should be her.
Wow. What a weird question to ask! But worse, what a weird, twisted mind must exist behind that question!

With that attitude of hers to the children, you are seeking custody of them, aren't you? (Please say that you are!)
 
#6 ·
I recommend Boost or Ensure (meal replacement drinks) if you can't stomach food. I had a week or two (or more) and then some days where they kept me going. Sometimes, you just don't want to digest with your stomach along with your mind, and in between is your heart. It's a mine field in there. Go easy on it, everything. Do it for the kids if you have trouble doing it for yourself. If you aren't sleeping, get something non-addictive to use for that. It's not a sign of weakness, but a sign of being a realist and needing to be able to function at some level, although it's reduced.
 
#7 ·
As Norajane said, take care of yourself physically and if you find that you are having difficulty coping with the situation then go see your doctor.

Lastly, you must develop the emotional strength to move on with your life and that can only come from emotionally detaching from your STBXW. You can achieve this by implementing the principles in http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559 and The 180 degree rules.

We've been were you are and we can tell you that no matter what happens you will make it. Count on it.
 
#8 ·
I'm so sorry you are here, my friend. Please believe me when I say things WILL get better. It sounds like the deal you are getting is fair. Not certain why you would pay any child support if the kids are split 50:50...

Let me echo the take care of yourself mantra. You boys need you.
 
#9 ·
One funny question she asked me a long time ago that always bugged me-if she or one of the kid's fell off a boat, who would I save. I said the kid. She hated that answer. She thinks it should be her. If it were me and a kid that fell over, I'd want her to save the kid...but that's just me. Every single person I ask that question to, choose the kid. Nobody chooses the spouse.
:confused:

I read all you wrote. But this part right here... I can't get it out of my mind. That woman has a severe issue right there. What kind of mother is she? Heck if i asked that question to a woman "who would you save, the kid or me" and she said me i would not be happy at all. It shows a very level of bond between her and the kids.

Or... Have you considered the possibility that the reason she hated that answer is that she feels guilty or resentful about something regarding your relation with your kids? It is just blowing my mind...
 
#10 · (Edited)
She's in line for a large sum of money from a grandparent so she doesn't want my 401k or any kind of spousal support.
This is why she is leaving you. She no longer needs you as a meal ticket and she is selfish and does not want to share her inheritance with you. Also, if she has all this money, and you are getting shared custody, why are you paying any child support at all? Wait for her money to come in and the courts will give her nothing. You may not be entitled to the inheritance, but her estate is a factor in determining her need for alimony and child support. In fact if it is big enough you could be the one getting alimony and child support.

One funny question she asked me a long time ago that always bugged me-if she or one of the kid's fell off a boat, who would I save. I said the kid. She hated that answer. She thinks it should be her. If it were me and a kid that fell over, I'd want her to save the kid...but that's just me. Every single person I ask that question to, choose the kid. Nobody chooses the spouse.
My wife and I discussed this a long time ago, and my wife told me that she would be upset with me if I saved her instead of our child, but then again my wife is not selfish like your wife.

Anyway, I'm a bit scared about being a 40 year old single dad, back out there in the jungle and my heart aches every second of the day.
Great news. Before you reach 30 years of age, women are the ones in demand because they can date anyone their age and above with little issue; men on the other hand can only date their age and below to 18. Do the math and you see that there are not as many women as men for men under 30 to date. Over 30 the math balances out. At 40 years of age the math favors men and men are the ones in demand. I know people will say that times are changing and point out the rise of the term "cougars", but that is not the norm. What do call a woman that dates younger men? Answer, a "cougar". What do you call a man that dates a younger women? Answer, a man. The fact that their is not a derogatory term for men dating younger women says it all.

Bottom line, at 40 the market for you is much better than the last time you dated in your 20s.
 
#17 ·
This is why she is leaving you. She no longer needs you as a meal ticket and she is selfish and does not want to share her inheritance with you. Also, if she has all this money, and you are getting shared custody, why are you paying any child support at all? Wait for her money to come in and the courts will give her nothing. You may not be entitled to the inheritance, but her estate is a factor in determining her need for alimony and child support. In fact if it is big enough you could be the one getting alimony and child support.

My wife and I discussed this a long time ago, and my wife told me that she would be upset with me if I saved her instead of our child, but then again my wife is not selfish like your wife.

Great news. Before you reach 30 years of age, women are the ones in demand because they can date anyone their age and above with little issue; men on the other hand can only date their age and below to 18. Do the math and you see that there are not as many women as men for men under 30 to date. Over 30 the math balances out. At 40 years of age the math favors men and men are the ones in demand. I know people will say that times are changing and point out the rise of the term "cougars", but that is not the norm. What do call a woman that dates younger men? Answer, a "cougar". What do you call a man that dates a younger women? Answer, a man. The fact that their is not a derogatory term for men dating younger women says it all.

Bottom line, at 40 the market for you is much better than the last time you dated in your 20s.
I found this to be true while single n my 40's. I got called all the time.
 
#14 ·
Her inheritance, is the real basis of this divorce. She does not want to share it. Since the cousin is getting the same large sum of money from the grand parents, she would not have to share her money with him. It is all about money for both of these selfish cheaters.
 
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#13 ·
"I ask her what is with all the lies and she breaks down and tells me she isn't happy and she isn't in love with me anymore and hasn't been for a long while. Then, she drops a bomb on me...she had a several month affair with a relative (cousin) who is also married with kids. She said they hooked up in Vegas. I feel like such a fool because I was so happy she was having a girl's weekend with her friend in Vegas to get away from the kids.

She goes on to tell me that she wanted him to leave his wife but he wouldn't. He breaks it off with her after the sexual encounter and she falls into a pit of despair. Her heart is broken. The length of the affair was several months, mostly phone calls, sexting (she said they would video chat of themselves masterbating) and she said she loved this guy deeply and he her...he just didn't want to leave his wife...I guess he's a real good guy, huh."


She is one sick person. You know for sure about your cousin -- and since she is pushing this divorce so fast -- you never posted where she was when she was out late -- but I would venture to guess she has OM already -- and is having an affair with him as well.

I am saying this to get you ready for more information -- as it seems that the cheater never tells all the 1st time -- but the BS always gets the TT.

Stay strong for you kids and yourself.

Time does heal all -- treat your marriage as a death and you may be able to understand the stages of emotion you are going through.

Good luck !!
 
#15 ·
She is one sick person. You know for sure about your cousin -- and since she is pushing this divorce so fast -- you never posted where she was when she was out late -- but I would venture to guess she has OM already -- and is having an affair with him as well.
Ditto. She's having an affair with a local OM. This or is banging a bunch of strangers from AFF, given "sex everyday is the key of marriage". What a total MLC.
 
#18 ·
I am so sorry you are here.

She does sound self-centered; she enjoyed the infatuation that she felt with the cousin, but she isn't mature enough to understand that this feeling is false, a biological trick to perpetuate the species. Real love as you know is far deeper than that.

If I were you, I'd find an individual counselor and start talking. You may be very surprised what the counselor thinks about her, and how she's treated you, etc.

Like others, I suspect she is cheating still. She told you about this one affair because it was safe to use it as an excuse for leaving you. But if that's all over and done with, then what gives? She is likely seeing someone else, or perhaps she is even still in touch with the cousin, even if he won't leave his wife.

Have you looked at her cell phone records? Not the paper bills, the ones online that give the detail to/from/location etc.
 
#19 ·
Oh, and no more begging for the marriage, if you've done any of that. NONE. Even if you want to desperately save your marriage and reconcile. Or I should say, especially if you want to save the marriage. She will find it absolutely repulsive. It will have the opposite effect.

You should take a look at No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life, you sound like you could stand to benefit from these (many forum members have said they helped them out).
 
#24 ·
She also told me more details about their encounter in Vegas (at my request). Sex in public places, elevators, women's bathrooms, etc. Who is this woman? She would never do that stuff with me.

In a way, it helps me see her less as a special person I've been with for 20 years and more as a stranger that I'm not really impressed with. I'm starting to distance myself from her, I'm just having issues getting over how can this person I thought I knew to this to me and how can her friends who knew about it while it was going on, look me in the eye? These people blow my friggin mind.

Also, I have not seen her give hugs and kisses to either kid one time in the past 5 days during any of this. She blows my mind. Who is this person?

Thanks for reading and all the good advice. I have a feeling I'll be on here a quite a bit...
 
#32 ·
I ask the same question daily about my STBEH. That is why I filed for divorce even though he wants to still try to reconcile.

I think who is this man. I adored h. There were times when I felt so lucky to have him. I told this to mutual friends some of whom had inklings about the affair, but said nothing.

It's all so humiliating. I feel like such a dupe and fool.

Please do let the OM's wife know. She needs to be tested for STDs and has a right to know her husband is a cheater and a liar.
 
#27 ·
Just another question -- have you ever found out the truth about her going to the movies with her girlfriends and then smoking by the van all night ?

Why is this story not believable ---

You are getting divorced === and not that it matters === my guess is see spent it having sex with at least one other man and or woman. I say this not to hurt you -- but your wife has gone off the deep end and is acting out like a porno star (Las Vegas) so I wouldn't put any actions she would do unbelievable.

Good Luck !!
 
#29 ·
First of all go to this link, print off the 180, carry it with you and live it. Sorry but whatever your wife has become, its someone you never knew.

The Healing Heart: The 180

Next go to amazon.com and download/buy these two books, you need them badly. The first will give you insight into what has happened and how to do better in your next relationship. The second I think is self expanatory.

Married Man Sex Life ( not a sex manual)


No More Mister Nice Guy


These three things will do you more good than anything else.

Go to your doctor and explain all this, he can prescribe some things that will help.

Get yourself Indivdual Counseling with someone experienced with infidelity and PTSD. Infidelity is harder on a person than the battlefield according to many who have been there.

Good luck and prayers

Chap
 
#33 ·
See your doctor. Your doc can give you some meds that will help you in the short run to help you deal with the issues you are facing.

It may not seem like it, but you should count yourself lucky that she didn't make you hunt everything down and told you part of the truth.

Your wife did not tell you all of the truth. You know enough to be able to make an informed decision about your marriage, however. You are wisely getting out.

A guy like you will be very popular in the dating market.

Do indeed get tested for std's.

Are you in a community property state?
 
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#34 ·
I've been down the medication path before and it was way hard on me to get off that stuff. I think I'll try and just work through the burn of this.

I hope I'm popular in the dating market. I just want somebody who is honest and cares about kids.

I am in a community property state but all we have is a house which we are selling and using the profits to pay off any debt.
 
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