[Robert22205]

My wife and I both agree with your assessment (and you're lucky you found out before having kids with her) where you said:

... think the clearer explanation is that she has always been a person of ****ty character, and it was masked by the relentless pursuit of her professional goals. With their achievement, it floats to the surface.

 

[Chaparral]

He is the manager of a retail operation. This is not a boss in any meaningful sense. Does the guy managing DSW seem like a boss to you? (it's not DSW but it's that tier).

He got there because he's got the IQ of a watermelon and that's what is needed to do that job. I was a Navy officer with a very high stress job, have a degree in science and owned a successful business. During her fellowship, I didn't sit around and fold her clothes. In fact, I achieved something so demanding and so high profile that revealing it would immediately out me. I literally can't say anything else anonymously; it suffices to say that when we meet people, they still (it's been 2 years) ask about it. Complete strangers in foreign countries have walked up to me and started conversations about it.

I understand the scenario you're laying out, I've heard it before and seen it with other guys, etc. It may apply to some extent here, but think the clearer explanation is that she has always been a person of ****ty character, and it was masked by the relentless pursuit of her professional goals. With their achievement, it floats to the surface.



You sort of can. Faithfulness in marriage is the response to millions of years of DNA, otherwise I would just be out reproducing with anyone and everyone. Other consequences of evolution include 1400cc brains and the ability to make choices at a higher level than a dog. I don't take advantage of sexual opportunities that present themselves, because I can make a choice. I choose to be a husband, not to bang every girl that smiles at me in the gym. Do I want to, on some primitive level? yeah, of course. Then, I choose not to.



This could all be true, but a person so easily played reveals themselves as an unsuitable partner for me. In a way I should say thanks.



I lol'ed at the dogs comment. But at the same time, those dogs may have rescued me from a real problem.



All things in time.

Not familiar with DSW.

Studies do show women are susceptible to adultery on an approximate 7 year schedule. There are more than one evolutionary theories to account for that. I personally believe almost anyone can fall for someone else if all the wrong elements line up. As a matter of fact, medical people and teachers are particularly at risk. Look up how to pick up married women. It’s simply a fine tuned sales manipulation job.

We have seen quite a few ex military guys here that are plenty alpha in real life but omega with the one woman they love more than anything. Kind of like the star high school football player that would go into a burning building to rescue a dog but can’t call the girl he has a crush on for a date.

If your wife had been told a year ago she would be doing this she would have laughed her head off. Now she is in the mode of preserving her self respect and losing everything.

Ask her if she would like you to drop her stuff from at (boyfriends name) house. I would have to confront her like this just before she was served.

How much trouble will it be for you to get back t the city you liked? Does the lawyer say you have to stick around during the divorce?

 

[Tron]

Coincidentally, or not, she told me she wanted to take a break and needs 3-4 weeks. If I can coordinate with my lawyer, I will agree to the break and serve her immediately at the "start" of the break. I found the request for a specific time frame to be awkward.

Translation: Let's take a break while I test ride the other guy cleanly and under the guise of being separated. You are now my Plan B.

Comical!

 

[FloridaGuy123]

Not familiar with DSW.

Studies do show women are susceptible to adultery on an approximate 7 year schedule. There are more than one evolutionary theories to account for that. I personally believe almost anyone can fall for someone else if all the wrong elements line up. As a matter of fact, medical people and teachers are particularly at risk. Look up how to pick up married women. It’s simply a fine tuned sales manipulation job.

No disagreement here

We have seen quite a few ex military guys here that are plenty alpha in real life but omega with the one woman they love more than anything. Kind of like the star high school football player that would go into a burning building to rescue a dog but can’t call the girl he has a crush on for a date.

I was merely making the point that while I accommodated her goals, I didn't at all give up on mine to cater to her or turn into a beta male / stay at home Dad type. (No disrespect to the SAHD; I'm just referencing the stereotype that you alluded to). We compromised, I changed directions a little, but I very much had my own life and my own goals and my own achievements while she did fellowship. I just also did a lot to support her, including stuff like laundry and grocery shopping. Were there some things I did wrong? probably. Could I have been a better husband? Sure. I'm not perfect. But - just judging by the character of the friends I have - I am a high quality person.

Also, I didn't **** anyone else. So there's that.

If your wife had been told a year ago she would be doing this she would have laughed her head off. Now she is in the mode of preserving her self respect and losing everything.

That is spot on.

Ask her if she would like you to drop her stuff from at (boyfriends name) house. I would have to confront her like this just before she was served.

Very tempting. Veeeeeeeeery tempting to just say something. Still I continue to think the revelation that "he knew all along" is more profound when delivered via process server.

How much trouble will it be for you to get back t the city you liked? Does the lawyer say you have to stick around during the divorce?

No trouble at all. Connections are deep and well established. Lawyer is in court today.

 

[Beach123]

Have you done your prep work by moving money to your name only and closing credit cards.

If you have life ins - have you changed the beneficiary yet?


Keep thinking of ways to protect what is yours...and take actions that remove her from benefitting long term.

 

[skerzoid]

So far so good. Things will get complicated when the excrement hits the propeller. Be ready for all contingencies.

1. She sees the light and wants "to work on the marriage".

2. She agrees to the divorce and wants to wait for the other guy to dump his wife. She may give you everything you ask for. See donesies thread.

3. He dumps her instead, and she then wants "to work on the marriage". (Plan B)

4. She goes nuclear and tries every dirty action of which she can think. Beware the false accusations of abuse and such. Keep a VAR on you at all times.

5. Best to "ghost" her after she is served and refuse to communicate except through lawyers. 180 at the very least.

 

[BarbedFenceRider]

Skerzoid is right on! 180 to work on you and get you in a good place. Go NC and ghost. Let the thousand $ and hour lawyer have to deal with her....

 

[Tron]

5. Best to "ghost" her after she is served and refuse to communicate except through lawyers. 180 at the very least.

On the threads where the BS does this, and the WS isn't totally checked out, it always seems like the WS's fog lifts lightning quick.

 

[BluesPower]

No disagreement here

I was merely making the point that while I accommodated her goals, I didn't at all give up on mine to cater to her or turn into a beta male / stay at home Dad type. (No disrespect to the SAHD; I'm just referencing the stereotype that you alluded to). We compromised, I changed directions a little, but I very much had my own life and my own goals and my own achievements while she did fellowship. I just also did a lot to support her, including stuff like laundry and grocery shopping. Were there some things I did wrong? probably. Could I have been a better husband? Sure. I'm not perfect. But - just judging by the character of the friends I have - I am a high quality person.

Also, I didn't **** anyone else. So there's that.

That is spot on.

Very tempting. Veeeeeeeeery tempting to just say something. Still I continue to think the revelation that "he knew all along" is more profound when delivered via process server.

No trouble at all. Connections are deep and well established. Lawyer is in court today.

Honestly brother, you are the man. How you can contain yourself and be so cool under pressure is astounding.

I want you to post everything she says when she realizes she it toast. It could go one of two ways, I just want to see which one.

And make no mistake, you have done nothing wrong, in any of this...

 

[Kamstel]

I know you’re hurting, but you’re doing a great job. I hope you hear back from your lawyer today, and you can get her served at the start of her little lovers vacation/separation.

What do you think would be the most effective way to shock her while she still in her fog. To serve her just before she goes away on vacation with her lover, or, to have her served at work?

Once again you’re doing exceptionally well. Keep moving forward

 

[just got it 55]

I know you’re hurting, but you’re doing a great job. I hope you hear back from your lawyer today, and you can get her served at the start of her little lovers vacation/separation.

What do you think would be the most effective way to shock her while she still in her fog. To serve her just before she goes away on vacation with her lover, or, to have her served at work?

Once again you’re doing exceptionally well. Keep moving forward

Textbook Fla Textbook

55

 

[Decorum]

It was a negotiating tactic.

Speaking of which, bringing up divorce, and taking a break is one of hers.

Usually it's just a ruse to give them time, and a reason to avoid physical intimacy.

They feel like they are cheating on their affair partner if they have sex with you, plus the AP is often jealous of the husband and the WS's natural loyalty is now toward the AP.

It's not that they had a sudden dose of integrity, like "maybe I am dispictable for leading on a loving and loyal spouse"

It is far more reprehensible than that. They are willing to put their loyal spouse through a painful hellish limbo, to give the happy couple peace of mind.

It's like telling someone they have a terminal illness when they don't, putting them through the mental anguish associated with it just to control them.

To be sure sometimes they are getting their ducks in a row to leave, maybe divorce, but playing that card is often precipitated by the loyal spouse closing in on the truth.

Sometimes they only want to maintain the affair, and never planned to divorce.

FG, you have more spot on natural instincts, and practicality than most Betrayed Spouses I see on here, or know of.

I honestly feel like there is little I can add to your understanding, but I do believe that reading the appropriate rationales related to infidelity that others have written is confirming and supportive.

Infidelity is unlike any other problems in a marriage, and the correct strategy is so often counter-intuitive.

Mainly because of the shift in loyalty, abandonment of personal morals, and corresponding level of dishonesty on the part of the Wayward Spouse.

You are not just part of the solution to a problem of your needs versus her needs, or respect, or validation, or comfort, etc.

You are the problem, your very presence is the problem, and they resent you for just being there.

It's a no win, and any attempt to do the things that would normally improve a relationship, like communication, consideration, etc., only make it worse.

It's like, "be a good boy, get out of the way, and drop off the face of the earth".

That said, stay the course, and I really wish you well.
Take care.

 

[FloridaGuy123]

So far so good. Things will get complicated when the excrement hits the propeller. Be ready for all contingencies.

1. She sees the light and wants "to work on the marriage".

2. She agrees to the divorce and wants to wait for the other guy to dump his wife. She may give you everything you ask for. See donesies thread.

3. He dumps her instead, and she then wants "to work on the marriage". (Plan B)

4. She goes nuclear and tries every dirty action of which she can think. Beware the false accusations of abuse and such. Keep a VAR on you at all times.

5. Best to "ghost" her after she is served and refuse to communicate except through lawyers. 180 at the very least.

Getting similar advice from smart friends.

1. is possible.
2. is probably the most likely
3. once she is around him more, it's less exotic. totally possible.
4. Also possible. She can go filthy dirty but I've never been unfaithful. Worst case is she cuts me off from money, but I have a plan for that.
5. Will discuss with lawyer. Didn't hear back yet.

Thanks! Much appreciated

 

[FloridaGuy123]

Have you done your prep work by moving money to your name only and closing credit cards.

If you have life ins - have you changed the beneficiary yet?


Keep thinking of ways to protect what is yours...and take actions that remove her from benefitting long term.

I have about $10k in my name only. No joint CCs.

I also have a friend from the Navy who got out and had a decent Wall Street career. He and his wife own a few beach houses in FL that they use as AirBnB's, and they've told me if I need to set up for a while, I can stay as long as I need. We go back a long time and it's a sincere offer. So I've got a decent place to stay when the storm hits

 

[FloridaGuy123]

You are the problem, your very presence is the problem, and they resent you for just being there.

That said, stay the course, and I really wish you well.
Take care.

The light went on when I was talking to a friend a few months ago when she first started being moodier than usual.

"I don't know why she's so upset. We have everything. We are healthy, successful, richer than anyone has ever been in our families, statistically the 1%, you love your work, I have the freedom to start a new business. We ski in the Swiss Alps. I was in 7 countries last year, none of them in North America."

Then I said

"Literally the only thing we can't do is bang other people"

Bam! Light clicked on and I started looking. And finding. And finding. And planning.

It sucks. It really sucks. but the cold clarity of the truth is nice to have. I really feel bad for people with suspicions and light evidence.

 

[Tron]

I have about $10k in my name only. No joint CCs.

I also have a friend from the Navy who got out and had a decent Wall Street career. He and his wife own a few beach houses in FL that they use as AirBnB's, and they've told me if I need to set up for a while, I can stay as long as I need. We go back a long time and it's a sincere offer. So I've got a decent place to stay when the storm hits

You are entitled to half the marital cash, if you can get your hands on it.

 

[Kamstel]

Hang in there!

Yes, there are still some rough days ahead, but at least you can now see the exit from Hell!

Be strong and keep moving forward with your plan!

 

[OnTheFly]

Infidelity is unlike any other problems in a marriage, and the correct strategy is so often counter-intuitive.

Mainly because of the shift in loyalty, abandonment of personal morals, and corresponding level of dishonesty on the part of the Wayward Spouse.

Quote of the week.

 

[Robert22205]

I doubt the other guy will dump her .... she's worth $40,000 per month to him (she's the big & only $ score of his life). She's damaged in the head and will cheat on him too (if she marries him).

 

[FloridaGuy123]

I doubt the other guy will dump her .... she's worth $40,000 per month to him (she's the big & only $ score of his life). She's damaged in the head and will cheat on him too (if she marries him).

$40,000 - my support payments.