What about Orlando dude?

 

I was in that area once before. And I purposely avoided the places almost solely devotes to tourism. I was all around it though,

 

Sounds like an awesome trip. How lucky you are to have that type of vacation/flexibility. You are definitely living your best life.

 

Thanks! I got to see and do so much.
I took the on/off trolley tours in Savannah and St Augustine. So if I saw something I liked I could jump off and then get back on to go to some place else I wanted to see. Both those areas are so full of history.
I stumbled into the oldest continuously operating bar in Florida on Amelia Island. Went to Kennedy Space Center. Took an airboat ride in the Everglades. Spent a day visiting the Edison/Ford Winter Estates. Went to PGA Golf HOF. Kayaked in a Manatee Preserve. Traveled through the entire lower panhandle, got to see a huge variety of plant/wild life. Visited at least 20 craft breweries. It was a good time.
One of the good things, for those of you who do not like to travel alone, is that I could walk into practically any restaurant, bar, museum, exhibit or event and just walk right in and get served. Another plus was that I got to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, for as long as I wanted to do it.
There were times it got lonely, but I met new people everyday and had lots of good conversations and heard lots of good stories.

 

If you went to PGA thing did you stop by Daytona ? The track or beach ?

 

In reference to my post from yesterday (https://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/409242-singles-tam-2018-a-95.html#post19762041), I was up all night working, and as I went to bed around 6 am, I had yet another epiphany... it's as if each realization and thought process is lighting up another room in my brain.

While both Real Estate and I were both trying to have a healthy relationship--and in many ways succeeded--it is now clear to me that our breakup/makeup pattern was an anxious-avoidant cycle. Our patterns, behaviors, and reactions are practically textbook, with him the avoidant and me the anxious. (Seriously. Reading the article, I'm written all over the left-hand columns and he is all over the right. At least we were both cognizant enough to avoid the seriously abusive behaviors on both sides.) I've only been able to see this because I finally recognized the role that my behavior played, and acknowledged that it wasn't just him. It's funny, I've known about this cycle and the pitfalls of an anxious-avoidant relationship for far longer than I've known Real Estate, but I couldn't see that we were stuck in it. I knew I was anxious and he was avoidant, but I also thought given that we talked together at length (on multiple occasions) about healthy behavior patterns, being aware and identifying unhealthy behaviors, and incorporating healthy behaviors in our relationships, that we would have avoided this cycle.

If one of us had seen this while we were together, we could have potentially changed the outcome, or at least the behavior pattern in favor of something more healthy and secure. Whether the outcome would have been different--if the relationship could have lasted--is less clear. It's possible we were only drawn to each other because of our opposing attachment styles, and once that problem was resolved, we might have found that there was very little else to keep us together. I think that's quite likely, in fact. We want very different things out of life, and this is taking us in very different directions.

So learning more about my attachment style and how to improve upon it will be another goal for the new year.

And things have not ended on as sour a note as I believed. We will be getting together for lunch tomorrow, and with this new knowledge I am no longer anxious about seeing him, or impatient, or worried about the outcome of us meeting. I look forward to sharing all of this with him, and I hope that he can use all this to help heal and move forward and grow, because I do want the best for him and I want him to find his happy. But what he does is his choice, and will have no impact on how I move forward.

 

You might have enjoyed traveling another couple hours south and seeing the southern Everglades, and head down through the Keys. However, LOTS of traffic in the Keys over New Years so maybe a good idea that you stayed further north.

 

Not sure where you meant. I traveled thru the Everglades on 41 not on 75. In fact upon leaving Savannah and heading south I think I traveled on less than 50 miles of interstate highway. I went to Everglade City for seafood. I took my airboat ride in the Everglades and got to see a lot of stuff.

I purposefully avoided the Keys. First of all because I had been to Key West once before, then there was the time element. I couldn't see spending a whole day going there and back and then finding some place remotely affordable to stay at. The further south I went along the Atlantic, the more expensive and seedier the hotels got. At one of them I though about going out for an 8Ball of Crack and a Hooker. Right around the corner there were at least 7 strip clubs, so I am sure a party could have been found. As it was I hit a couple of craft breweries and called it an early night. I wanted to get out of there before the neighborhood woke up.

 

FIP - maybe you are over-thinking this ? You broke up 2 months ago and your still spending all this time and energy living in the past and evaluating ? Maybe time move on ? Or is your real hope and plan to say what happened is your fault and twist his arm into getting back together ? I don't think your helping yourself or him trying to "understand" all the not solvable details of if, or, why, etc.. It just keeps the wound open - not heal. Guess I thought by after 25 or so all knew/know clean breaks are always best.

 

I respectfully disagree. I am trying to learn from my failures and grow as a person, and that requires introspection. An eye towards oneself and the situation that is both critical and compassionate, which can identify the unhealthy behaviors so that I can make changes and do better in my next relationship. THIS is the healing.

What do you do after a big project at work? You sit down and debrief. Talk through the steps of the project, identify pain points and unanticipated problems, and discuss possible solutions and improvements so the next one will be better. This is the exact same thing, but I've been debriefing as a team of one.

I am finding all this incredibly helpful, and I think it will be helpful to him as well, if he wants to take advantage of it. You can't fix a problem until you know what the problem IS. I want him to be happy, and I want him to have the same opportunity to grow, if he wants it, and that is why I want to talk to him. And I also want to apologize in person for the ways that I've only recently realized that I hurt him. Because when you've hurt someone, you apologize. Guess I thought by after 25 or so all know that apologizing when you've hurt someone is best.

I never said this was all my fault, and I would never say that. He and I are equally responsible, but up until very recently I have been faulting him for everything, and that was unfair. And he has taken the blame for the whole thing whenever anyone asks him about it--even his friends and family--so no one would think less of me. That is the type of man who deserves a freaking apology and acknowledgement from me.

And no, I'm not going to twist his arm to get back together. That type of behavior would feed directly into the anxious-avoidant cycle, and would be bad for both of us, and would likely trigger both of us in different ways. When we broke up, I told him that I would be willing to reconcile if he would work on his issues, so he knows that already. So I feel no need to suggest it again.

AND SERIOUSLY, WHO THE **** gets over a 2.5 yr serious relationship with a person they loved very deeply in just a few months??? If you seriously believe that, then you sound like a pretty cold and heartless bastard. I have several friends who are therapists and 1) they all think that it will take me a year, and 2) they are proud of me for the emotional discoveries and progress that I have made.

 

FIP, all of these epiphanies are good. I really do think, many of us never learn these lessons and so we continue to make the same mistakes over and over, again and again. That is why so many people jump out of one bad relationship right back into another. It is a new year, and it sounds like you found some REAL resolutions to make and keep.

 

Thank you! Which is precisely why I have no intention to jump into another relationship ANY time soon.

 

Peeks head in...…

Yup, i'm still single. Still dating people.

Happy New Year.

Sub post.

 

Ynot - GO BUCKEYES !

 

2019 started out really great. I hope that it's an symbolic of the type of year I'm going to have.

I am finding the single life interesting.

After the separation last year, I joined a bunch of groups on Meetup and started attending events. I met some really cool people who have turned into good friends. The only issue is that most of the groups are comprised of either much older or much younger people. I still haven't found a social group for people in my life stage.

So after much (too much) consternation, I decided to set up a dating profile online. It's been an interesting experience so far (day 5 and nothing awful to report). I have been on 4 first dates. All have looked like their profile pics (attractive) and all have been gentlemen but Im stumbling over their personalities. I can't tell you how difficult it is to have a conversation with some of these people. If this were a tennis match, I have been serving soft volleys only to watch the ball bounce away without a return. What's worse is that they want to see me again. I'm like "were we on the same date?".

I did have a great connection with one guy (younger than me) but he lives too far away to even consider anything more than an occasional date.

For those wondering why I don't stick to meeting people IRL, I seem to attract married or non monogamous men. Don't ask me why. I can't figure it out. Unfortunately, these are also the men with whom I have had the best chemistry. Go figure. I now just assume that if a man is attractive, is chivalrous, and can hold a conversation then he must be non monogamous.

 

For those wondering why I don't stick to meeting people IRL, I seem to attract married or non monogamous men. Don't ask me why. I can't figure it out. Unfortunately, these are also the men with whom I have had the best chemistry. Go figure. I now just assume that if a man is attractive, is chivalrous, and can hold a conversation then he must be non monogamous.

As we all get older, the chivalrous etc end up with a partner, so for them to still be quality and looking, it would make sense that they are non-monogamous. Otherwise why haven't they got a partner yet.

Same as looking those dating sites with all the hot babes pictures on the advertising - if anyone looks like that and has to resort to general public dating site to prospect potential mates (vs hanging out at country clubs or inviting themselves to events) then they must be truly screwy somewhere to still be available.

 

I just finished lunch with Real Estate about 30 minutes ago. It went well. It was really nice to see him, and he's doing well.

Despite my acknowledgement of my role in our breakup, and apology for how my actions hurt him, he still insists on taking the lion's share of the blame for the failure of our relationship. Which, given the kind of man he is, I cannot say I am surprised.

When I started explaining the attachment theory stuff, and what I've learned, it kind of blew his mind. But as I was explaining the cycle to him in general terms, I could see the light bulbs going off in his head, and that he was seeing the same connections that I was.

The difference of opinion is that I believe this is something we could work on and improve, and we could have a better, healthier relationship if we both commit to making that change. He is skeptical. However, we both agree that getting back together right now would not be healthy, and we both need to focus on ourselves right now.

Honestly, while I think this information was eye-opening for him, I don't think he will ever be able to bring himself to committing to trying to change these behaviors in order to try again with me. His defenses are too thick, and they feel safe to him, even if they are hurting him. Change is hard, and it is scary. Not to mention that moving in this direction would make him vulnerable. Even if he decides to make the effort to work on his attachment style and learn healthier behaviors, I don't think he will want to try again with me. Too much water under the bridge and all that. And I also understand that he feels like he has already hurt me and failed me too much, and to try again with additional potential of failure is too risky for him.

And I understand. Moving on to something else and someone else is easier.

But we are on good terms, and we will hang out on occasion and be friends. It's clear he still cares about me. But unless he wants to revisit this topic, I don't think there is anything else for he and I to discuss.

 

I just finished lunch with Real Estate about 30 minutes ago. It went well. It was really nice to see him, and he's doing well.

Despite my acknowledgement of my role in our breakup, and apology for how my actions hurt him, he still insists on taking the lion's share of the blame for the failure of our relationship. Which, given the kind of man he is, I cannot say I am surprised.

When I started explaining the attachment theory stuff, and what I've learned, it kind of blew his mind. But as I was explaining the cycle to him in general terms, I could see the light bulbs going off in his head, and that he was seeing the same connections that I was.

The difference of opinion is that I believe this is something we could work on and improve, and we could have a better, healthier relationship if we both commit to making that change. He is skeptical. However, we both agree that getting back together right now would not be healthy, and we both need to focus on ourselves right now.

Honestly, while I think this information was eye-opening for him, I don't think he will ever be able to bring himself to committing to trying to change these behaviors in order to try again with me. His defenses are too thick, and they feel safe to him, even if they are hurting him. Change is hard, and it is scary. Not to mention that moving in this direction would make him vulnerable. Even if he decides to make the effort to work on his attachment style and learn healthier behaviors, I don't think he will want to try again with me. Too much water under the bridge and all that. And I also understand that he feels like he has already hurt me and failed me too much, and to try again with additional potential of failure is too risky for him.


And I understand. Moving on to something else and someone else is easier.

But we are on good terms, and we will hang out on occasion and be friends. It's clear he still cares about me. But unless he wants to revisit this topic, I don't think there is anything else for he and I to discuss.

FIP: I dont think he grasped all that psychological stuff. Honestly, I cannot imagine meeting my ex and him pulling out his armchair amateur diagnosis of our relationship. I think he was just trying to be polite and get through it. All that is too much. Honestly, it probably confirmed to him why the relationship was overwhelming. Too much for a follow up meeting.

And I think deep down you wanted to fix it so you had to figure out what went wrong and propose what you could do to change it. You cannot. Move on. Work on yourself. Real Estate and you simply dont work on many levels.

You seem like a great person. Maybe go to a therapist and work our privately and professionally your issues to better your next relationship. Work out your issues with a professional and leave the dating to lighter topics.

 

I must be a cold heartless bastard then...

 

I accept the accusation with no apology. If I f*** up I admit I f***ed up and move on. I do not evaluate and investigate why I or what f***cked up. I already usually know. I know it can't be changed and I think it is a total waste of time to evaluate and try to explain. Onward and Upward. That is the way I'm built. If that appalls some and makes me a cold hearted bastard then O-well. I'll leave that to the beta babies and *sensitive* types.

I'll stay off the singles thread. I'm not married but I'm not really single either so I'll just read and leave the being single experts to it.

 

Happy new year guys n gals

Big year this year, lots of plans, two overseas trips, and planning a joint account and my girlfriend moving in with us during this year. She is very insistent on contributing, also spent over a thousand of her own money on my birthday last year when she could easily have avoided it and let me bacon bring. We still fight about it lol

 

OMG, RD! I can't believe this... a few years ago, I never would have pictured you actually being in love and moving in with someone. I'm so happy for you... and proud of you

 

Happy 2019 everyone!

I know it sounds strange, but I really don't feel like I have any emotional attachment whatsoever to my ex. Our divorce was final in November.... I'd told him it was over in September, but I knew it was over long before that so I guess I'd done my grieving by then.

Looking back I realize that I was really never all in emotionally because I didn't trust him and didn't feel safe with him, and that's probably a big part of the reason I've moved on so quickly. I really don't ever think about him.

I have been seeing someone.... the same guy I've mentioned in my thread. It's nice and we have a great time together, but I don't think either of us is in a rush. I like being able to do what i want to do and my kids are enjoying our laid back lifestyle.

We'll see what happens.

 

I finally had a great first date and a second date planned. Woot! He is tall, dark, handsome, has a cool important job, a cool ride, cool clothes. He was gentlemanly, but edgy. Our second date will be the private room karaoke place.

I’m going to be so bad for a moment here....but this guy is so hot he made me want to bite my hand like Lenny from Laverne and Shirley. Or did Squiggy also do that? I remember being so confused about why they were doing that, when I was a kid. Now I’m like....no, FW, NO! Do NOT put your hand near your mouth and bite it! Stop it, put your damn hand on your lap and sit still.

By “finally”, I mean that I have had about 10 first dates, different guys, in the past 3 months or so. All of the dates were good. Only had chemistry with 2 of them but not enough to light a solid spark. A couple we talked about second dates but I knew it wasn’t gonna happen even when we were saying it. It’s always fun to meet someone and hear their story and then you’ll always wish them well and they are/were part of your dating history now.

I haven’t had anything close to a “bad date” for so long I can’t remember it. By bad date I mean when they are nothing like you thought (which could be because you are not in the right place to be dating healthy), or they are rude or obnoxious, or they have bad hygiene or manners like Al Bundy, or they ask you for a threesome on the first date. These are all random examples, not all mine. But I am just happy I seem to be picking really well lately, because all of these first dates were good picks. Just no or not enough chemistry.

But tonight, I got some chemistry (doing a little Snoopy dance). Whee!

 

My new year is starting off with lots of options, some certainties and some possibilities. Life is good. I oftentimes wonder why I was so butt hurt about my divorce. My life is so much fuller and richer than it was before. Single life is much more enjoyable than what I had.

 

When we've invested ourselves in a family and relationship and the relationship fails, we have a tendency to feel like we are failures when this is NOT true. It is hard to let go after so much is invested, I think.

I miss the feeling of wanting to be loved, valued, but actually, he told me he never loved me, so that sort of explains how he treated me. I held on too long for many reasons. My life is good--great, but there are voids, missing pieces, so adjustment to different is ongoing, but doable.

Glad your outlook glows.

 

I do basic stuff like eggs, baked fish, etc. But decades of Dr J2's admittedly excellent food have spoiled me. I do a lot of my birth country's or similar stews on the Crock-Pot too. Deli eating is ok on occasion - we do have Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, and Costco.

I guess in the grand scheme of things it's one of those independence things. Just like she learned to put gas in her X3 and take it for service, I'm learning the lessons of life as well. For both of us it's the small moral victories that help us grow as individuals and not feel bitter towards each other. (Another life lesson)

If I get to a date situation I'll probably drive to a food rich city nearby (Cincinnati, Chicago, etc) and enjoy the offerings there.

 

Cooking classes are both good dating venues and opportunities to meet other folks. I know someone who took an IP class recently and he had a super evening--learned all sorts of skills and was hit on by female chef.

 

Have a second mini date lined up for tomorrow with Mr. Hotness. I might even get a little canoodling. I’m quite looking forward to getting my hands on him and getting his on me.

I am not sure right now if there will be much depth to this or it’s is going to be mostly physical between us. I’m good either way. If my first impression of him was correct, this could be a very nice thing for both of us. I’m not trying to find someone to fall madly in love with. Though if that happens, great. What works fine for me is just mutual fondness and respect and generally being totally into each other sexually.

He deleted his bumble app (he told me right after our first date that he was going to and he did). I put mine on indefinite snooze. No need to keep swiping or talking to others when I’ve got something this good lined up.

We still have an evening date for karaoke on Monday or Tuesday. That should be fun too, though I’m not clear on if he will actually sing with me or not. I hope he does but I understand when people don’t want to. I’m gonna sing me some Diana Ross.

 

How did the date with Mr. hotness go FW?

 

Oh well live and learn. I probably should have cut her loose a while ago.
I went out with this women on Friday for a date. We had a met before and had had sex. I kind of picked up on some red flags, but I thought it might be nervousness or just me.
Wow! She turned out to be one of the most self absorbed persons I have ever met. At the same time she seemed completely un-self aware that she was even doing it. She was just an unhappy woman, who felt she was entitled and wasn't getting her expectations met and had no problem saying so.
She lived in the past. Always talked about her kids, and how great they are, while complaining they never see her. She hated where she lived and wanted to move back from where she came from. She was a walking talking contrast.
At the studio/bar we went to she started arguing with a guy about his wife (she didn't know them, but had her opinions on how he should treat her), how to make sauce (nobody from here knows how to make sauce), being Italian, etc. etc. She jumped all over the place in some sort of stream of (semi) consciousness way. She went to the rest room at one point. That guy told me she was nuts and I agreed.
She was that way with me as well. If I touched her, it made her uncomfortable, but then she would grab me kiss me passionately at the bar. If I said one thing, she would say another. Sometimes in direct contrast to something else that she had just said.
I honestly couldn't wait for the date to end. I left when I got back to her place. I haven't heard from her since and honestly, if she does, while I am torn between telling her to get help or just ignoring her. I think I will just ignore her. She has some serious issues that go so deep that I don't even think she is aware of.

 

Yikes! Best to ghost in this type of case.

 

I have a dilemma.

Been chatting for about 10 days with someone I met online. He and I met in person almost immediately after we matched online. There was definite chemistry. Neither one of us go out while we have custody of our kids so we haven't seen each other except for that first date. He contacts me every day either by phone or text. So what's the problem? This is our week off from kids and he hasn't asked me out again. I've even dropped the hint that I'd like to go out again and he's said he's interested. Have I been friend zoned? I do seem to be getting friend zoned a lot which doesn't bother me at all but if I am getting friend zoned with this guy, I would like to know so that I can ask him to come out to my next meetup and be my wingman.

 

Are you saying there was definite chemistry, but you would be ok with being friend zoned, and actually want to make him your wingman? Just making sure I understand.

My date...all of my friends laughed about this...so I was supposed to go meet him on Sunday at about 8:30, but by 7:30 I was in my bed watching Netflix and I realized....eh, I don't really want to get out of bed and drive across town. Not even to get some canoodling! :laugh:

So I rain checked him and he has been busy since, so I think we have a date tomorrow or Thursday or both.

 

That's the great thing about being single -- options to do whatever you want and to make your life however you want it.

 

I'm holding it wrong then... Singlehood is a lot of work [emoji849]

 

Thanks, FW... I really needed that video... Hopefully the paperwork will be done by springs end....

I think what bothers me is that there's no next challenge. I've sort of challenged myself at work but not at the personal or interpersonal level. I'm seriously thinking about changing jobs, mostly into an R&D only environment... Maybe WPAFB if I can stomach living in Dayton.

What bothers me is that I feel drained. Like, there are days I come home, make a ham and cheese sandwich, then lay down and read or play Angry Birds till bedtime. I wasn't like that. Not depressed, just not interested.

 

I know you are a 100% logically driven man.

But divorce and empty nesting are both times in life when grieving happens. That’s at least part of what you’re experiencing right now.

It will pass. You can’t skip past it, sorry. But it passes. And along the way you will find things you want to get interested in again.

You will. I promise.

 

Hey @john117

No matter the circumstance or reasoning. I am sorry you are going through your divorce. In my opinion, the details, if ever, rarely matter. I did a lot of Netflix bidge watching when going through my divorce. I also was a fresh single Father of a 1 year old to. So it didn't allow me to get out much either. The point if me mentioning that, is having time to yourself, just to burn the time so to speak. Is just necessary, and doesn't have much to do with circumstances.

In time, it will pass and you will breathe air again.

 

@Lila and @john117, what both of you are feeling at this moment is completely natural and healthy. Both of you have lived lives dedicated to something aside from your selves for a long time. Now that source or sources of dedication are gone and you are wondering what to do next with your lives. I went through that, and I still go through it today, although not as often. As time passes you will begin to develop new interests, new goals, a new life. But it takes time.
The time it takes depends on how much you are willing to focus on your self. Do not focus on what you had. Do not focus on what you want (mainly because at this point you really don't have a clue). Instead focus on what you are and how you feel. Become curious. Explore your self and the world around you. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. In fact stop considering anything a mistake. Instead look at them as learning points. Take the Thomas Edison approach towards life, you didn't make 10,000 mistakes, you only discovered 10,000 ways not to do something. And if you are living in the present, you will discover multitudes of ways to do something else along the way.
Everything in your life has brought you to this point. Now for the first time, in probably forever, you get to decide which way to go for your self, without the restrictions of a relationship, family, society or religion. Seize this time in your life and live up to your potential. The world is yours for the taking, take it!