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New year, new thread!

So I just got back from my vacation. I traveled all over Florida. I am positive that I missed more than a few places suggested by you guys. So I apologize.
But it was a fun trip. I put over 3000 miles on a rental care over 17 days of my trip. I started in Columbus Ohio. Traveled to Charlotte then to Vidalia Georgia. I went to Savannah one night and then went back two days later. Then I went to St Augustine. From there I went to Titusville. Then to Pompano Beach. I traveled thru the Everglades. Went Everglade City. Stayed in Fort Myers. Went to St Pete and then Gainesville and Jacksonville. Then I went to Charleston SC, before heading back to Charlotte and back home.
 

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New year, new thread!

So I just got back from my vacation. I traveled all over Florida. I am positive that I missed more than a few places suggested by you guys. So I apologize.
But it was a fun trip. I put over 3000 miles on a rental care over 17 days of my trip. I started in Columbus Ohio. Traveled to Charlotte then to Vidalia Georgia. I went to Savannah one night and then went back two days later. Then I went to St Augustine. From there I went to Titusville. Then to Pompano Beach. I traveled thru the Everglades. Went Everglade City. Stayed in Fort Myers. Went to St Pete and then Gainesville and Jacksonville. Then I went to Charleston SC, before heading back to Charlotte and back home.
What about Orlando dude?
 

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New year, new thread!

So I just got back from my vacation. I traveled all over Florida. I am positive that I missed more than a few places suggested by you guys. So I apologize.
But it was a fun trip. I put over 3000 miles on a rental care over 17 days of my trip. I started in Columbus Ohio. Traveled to Charlotte then to Vidalia Georgia. I went to Savannah one night and then went back two days later. Then I went to St Augustine. From there I went to Titusville. Then to Pompano Beach. I traveled thru the Everglades. Went Everglade City. Stayed in Fort Myers. Went to St Pete and then Gainesville and Jacksonville. Then I went to Charleston SC, before heading back to Charlotte and back home.

Sounds like an awesome trip. How lucky you are to have that type of vacation/flexibility. You are definitely living your best life.
 

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Sounds like an awesome trip. How lucky you are to have that type of vacation/flexibility. You are definitely living your best life.
Thanks! I got to see and do so much.
I took the on/off trolley tours in Savannah and St Augustine. So if I saw something I liked I could jump off and then get back on to go to some place else I wanted to see. Both those areas are so full of history.
I stumbled into the oldest continuously operating bar in Florida on Amelia Island. Went to Kennedy Space Center. Took an airboat ride in the Everglades. Spent a day visiting the Edison/Ford Winter Estates. Went to PGA Golf HOF. Kayaked in a Manatee Preserve. Traveled through the entire lower panhandle, got to see a huge variety of plant/wild life. Visited at least 20 craft breweries. It was a good time.
One of the good things, for those of you who do not like to travel alone, is that I could walk into practically any restaurant, bar, museum, exhibit or event and just walk right in and get served. Another plus was that I got to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, for as long as I wanted to do it.
There were times it got lonely, but I met new people everyday and had lots of good conversations and heard lots of good stories.
 

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In reference to my post from yesterday (https://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/409242-singles-tam-2018-a-95.html#post19762041), I was up all night working, and as I went to bed around 6 am, I had yet another epiphany... it's as if each realization and thought process is lighting up another room in my brain.

While both Real Estate and I were both trying to have a healthy relationship--and in many ways succeeded--it is now clear to me that our breakup/makeup pattern was an anxious-avoidant cycle. Our patterns, behaviors, and reactions are practically textbook, with him the avoidant and me the anxious. (Seriously. Reading the article, I'm written all over the left-hand columns and he is all over the right. At least we were both cognizant enough to avoid the seriously abusive behaviors on both sides.) I've only been able to see this because I finally recognized the role that my behavior played, and acknowledged that it wasn't just him. It's funny, I've known about this cycle and the pitfalls of an anxious-avoidant relationship for far longer than I've known Real Estate, but I couldn't see that we were stuck in it. I knew I was anxious and he was avoidant, but I also thought given that we talked together at length (on multiple occasions) about healthy behavior patterns, being aware and identifying unhealthy behaviors, and incorporating healthy behaviors in our relationships, that we would have avoided this cycle.

If one of us had seen this while we were together, we could have potentially changed the outcome, or at least the behavior pattern in favor of something more healthy and secure. Whether the outcome would have been different--if the relationship could have lasted--is less clear. It's possible we were only drawn to each other because of our opposing attachment styles, and once that problem was resolved, we might have found that there was very little else to keep us together. I think that's quite likely, in fact. We want very different things out of life, and this is taking us in very different directions.

So learning more about my attachment style and how to improve upon it will be another goal for the new year.

And things have not ended on as sour a note as I believed. We will be getting together for lunch tomorrow, and with this new knowledge I am no longer anxious about seeing him, or impatient, or worried about the outcome of us meeting. I look forward to sharing all of this with him, and I hope that he can use all this to help heal and move forward and grow, because I do want the best for him and I want him to find his happy. But what he does is his choice, and will have no impact on how I move forward.
 

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You might have enjoyed traveling another couple hours south and seeing the southern Everglades, and head down through the Keys. However, LOTS of traffic in the Keys over New Years so maybe a good idea that you stayed further north.
 

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FIP - maybe you are over-thinking this ? You broke up 2 months ago and your still spending all this time and energy living in the past and evaluating ? Maybe time move on ? Or is your real hope and plan to say what happened is your fault and twist his arm into getting back together ? I don't think your helping yourself or him trying to "understand" all the not solvable details of if, or, why, etc.. It just keeps the wound open - not heal. Guess I thought by after 25 or so all knew/know clean breaks are always best.
 

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You might have enjoyed traveling another couple hours south and seeing the southern Everglades, and head down through the Keys. However, LOTS of traffic in the Keys over New Years so maybe a good idea that you stayed further north.
Not sure where you meant. I traveled thru the Everglades on 41 not on 75. In fact upon leaving Savannah and heading south I think I traveled on less than 50 miles of interstate highway. I went to Everglade City for seafood. I took my airboat ride in the Everglades and got to see a lot of stuff.

I purposefully avoided the Keys. First of all because I had been to Key West once before, then there was the time element. I couldn't see spending a whole day going there and back and then finding some place remotely affordable to stay at. The further south I went along the Atlantic, the more expensive and seedier the hotels got. At one of them I though about going out for an 8Ball of Crack and a Hooker. Right around the corner there were at least 7 strip clubs, so I am sure a party could have been found. As it was I hit a couple of craft breweries and called it an early night. I wanted to get out of there before the neighborhood woke up.
 

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FIP, all of these epiphanies are good. I really do think, many of us never learn these lessons and so we continue to make the same mistakes over and over, again and again. That is why so many people jump out of one bad relationship right back into another. It is a new year, and it sounds like you found some REAL resolutions to make and keep.
 

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Not sure where you meant. I traveled thru the Everglades on 41 not on 75. In fact upon leaving Savannah and heading south I think I traveled on less than 50 miles of interstate highway. I went to Everglade City for seafood. I took my airboat ride in the Everglades and got to see a lot of stuff.

I purposefully avoided the Keys. First of all because I had been to Key West once before, then there was the time element. I couldn't see spending a whole day going there and back and then finding some place remotely affordable to stay at. The further south I went along the Atlantic, the more expensive and seedier the hotels got. At one of them I though about going out for an 8Ball of Crack and a Hooker. Right around the corner there were at least 7 strip clubs, so I am sure a party could have been found. As it was I hit a couple of craft breweries and called it an early night. I wanted to get out of there before the neighborhood woke up.
Yes, 41 runs between Miami and Naples at the northern end of the Everglades. The southern entrance to Everglades is west of Florida City. I've been to both. The northern end is more commercial while the southern end is more national park"ish". Just a different experience.
 

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FIP - maybe you are over-thinking this ? You broke up 2 months ago and your still spending all this time and energy living in the past and evaluating ? Maybe time move on ? Or is your real hope and plan to say what happened is your fault and twist his arm into getting back together ? I don't think your helping yourself or him trying to "understand" all the not solvable details of if, or, why, etc.. It just keeps the wound open - not heal. Guess I thought by after 25 or so all knew/know clean breaks are always best.
I respectfully disagree. I am trying to learn from my failures and grow as a person, and that requires introspection. An eye towards oneself and the situation that is both critical and compassionate, which can identify the unhealthy behaviors so that I can make changes and do better in my next relationship. THIS is the healing.

What do you do after a big project at work? You sit down and debrief. Talk through the steps of the project, identify pain points and unanticipated problems, and discuss possible solutions and improvements so the next one will be better. This is the exact same thing, but I've been debriefing as a team of one.

I am finding all this incredibly helpful, and I think it will be helpful to him as well, if he wants to take advantage of it. You can't fix a problem until you know what the problem IS. I want him to be happy, and I want him to have the same opportunity to grow, if he wants it, and that is why I want to talk to him. And I also want to apologize in person for the ways that I've only recently realized that I hurt him. Because when you've hurt someone, you apologize. Guess I thought by after 25 or so all know that apologizing when you've hurt someone is best.

I never said this was all my fault, and I would never say that. He and I are equally responsible, but up until very recently I have been faulting him for everything, and that was unfair. And he has taken the blame for the whole thing whenever anyone asks him about it--even his friends and family--so no one would think less of me. That is the type of man who deserves a freaking apology and acknowledgement from me.

And no, I'm not going to twist his arm to get back together. That type of behavior would feed directly into the anxious-avoidant cycle, and would be bad for both of us, and would likely trigger both of us in different ways. When we broke up, I told him that I would be willing to reconcile if he would work on his issues, so he knows that already. So I feel no need to suggest it again.

AND SERIOUSLY, WHO THE **** gets over a 2.5 yr serious relationship with a person they loved very deeply in just a few months??? If you seriously believe that, then you sound like a pretty cold and heartless bastard. I have several friends who are therapists and 1) they all think that it will take me a year, and 2) they are proud of me for the emotional discoveries and progress that I have made.
 

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FIP, all of these epiphanies are good. I really do think, many of us never learn these lessons and so we continue to make the same mistakes over and over, again and again. That is why so many people jump out of one bad relationship right back into another. It is a new year, and it sounds like you found some REAL resolutions to make and keep.
Thank you! Which is precisely why I have no intention to jump into another relationship ANY time soon.
 

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Thank you! Which is precisely why I have no intention to jump into another relationship ANY time soon.
Yeah, I wish I had the prefect knowledge that some here seem to possess. But taking the time to really let a life lesson sink in so that you can apply it throughout your life is often the best course of action. As I said, too many people never do this. Bravos to you.
 

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I respectfully disagree. I am trying to learn from my failures and grow as a person, and that requires introspection. An eye towards oneself and the situation that is both critical and compassionate, which can identify the unhealthy behaviors so that I can make changes and do better in my next relationship. THIS is the healing.
I think this can be healthy if you go into it not expecting any sort of satisfying resolution. Often, examining relationship issues can lead down a never-ending hole of more questions and issues. Sometimes it's 'why-why-why...' all the way down forever. If you're meeting expecting to finally have all the answers to the questions that have been bothering you, you will likely just end up with even more questions that bother you even more.

And also keep in mind that the things that worked/failed with your ex might be unique to him and that relationship. Your next beau may like all the things that your ex didn't. You don't want to conform yourself to your ex.

If you can go into the meeting more as a disinterested observer, it will probably be healthier in the long run.
 

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I think this can be healthy if you go into it not expecting any sort of satisfying resolution. Often, examining relationship issues can lead down a never-ending hole of more questions and issues. Sometimes it's 'why-why-why...' all the way down forever. If you're meeting expecting to finally have all the answers to the questions that have been bothering you, you will likely just end up with even more questions that bother you even more.

And also keep in mind that the things that worked/failed with your ex might be unique to him and that relationship. Your next beau may like all the things that your ex didn't. You don't want to conform yourself to your ex.

If you can go into the meeting more as a disinterested observer, it will probably be healthier in the long run.
And that is the way I am approaching it. I'm not looking for any answers from him--I'm finding the answers I'm looking for on my own.

This isn't about conforming to my ex. I learned long ago to not change who you are for another person. And that was something I never felt that I had to do with Real Estate, he always liked me exactly the way I am, and I never felt the need to be more or less of anything, or to change in any way to make him happy--and he never expected me to. In fact, he always encouraged me to be true to myself. I'm talking about identifying the unhealthy behavioral patterns that he and I both exhibited, which are directly tied to our attachment styles. This is the crux of the failure of our relationship. Everything else about our relationship was very good and in sync--we were on the same page with damn near everything. It is VERY likely that I will encounter these same problems in my next relationship, because avoidant attracts anxious, and vice versa... and I want to learn how I can have a more secure style (although I will never NOT be anxious, I can become more secure), be more mindful, and exhibit healthier behaviors for the future, whoever that is with. If anything, this exercise is directed at becoming my more authentic self, and being true to myself--not about conforming to another person.
 

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I think this can be healthy if you go into it not expecting any sort of satisfying resolution. Often, examining relationship issues can lead down a never-ending hole of more questions and issues. Sometimes it's 'why-why-why...' all the way down forever. If you're meeting expecting to finally have all the answers to the questions that have been bothering you, you will likely just end up with even more questions that bother you even more.

And also keep in mind that the things that worked/failed with your ex might be unique to him and that relationship. Your next beau may like all the things that your ex didn't. You don't want to conform yourself to your ex.

If you can go into the meeting more as a disinterested observer, it will probably be healthier in the long run.
I disagree. Perhaps early on when one searches for answers about why a relationship failed you can fall into the trap of why-why-why. But as time progresses and you are able to take a less butt-hurt POV, looking into why something failed is a good thing, that can and does provide a lot of answers. Especially when one looks within. As FIP has said, it isn't about conforming your Ex or for that matter attempting to attract your next, it is more about learning about yourself and questioning some of the assumptions and conclusions you have used to guide your own actions moving forward.
As far as conforming to your ex or whether or not your next likes things, those are really not as important than whether or not YOU like them your self.
 
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