[Mybabysgotit]

Hopefully this is a quick question with a straight forward answer. First a quick history. My wife and I have been married over 18 years now and together for over 20. We have what I feel is a very good relationship. I trust my wife but I am also not a fool and don’t throw that trust around blindly.

My wife has about a twenty minute drive to work and she used to call me fairly frequently on her drive to work. I changed jobs a few months ago and it is much harder for her to call me now. My wife is always talking on the phone while she is driving anywhere (I have teased her that she thinks she needs to be on the phone for her car to run) but she has told me that she has started to listen to audio books as well. If I ask her if she found someone else to talk to in the morning to replace me she laughs and says no just my books I listen to. There are a couple of male coworkers of hers that it wouldn’t really surprise me if she was talking to them but if that’s the case why hide it? I know she texts with these guys and there are some phone calls (fairly uncommon) but it’s always been work related and never given me reason to worry. It seems kind of silly to me but it really bothers me wondering if she really is listening to audio books or talking to someone else. So my question boils down to is it really worth a VAR to try and find out for sure? I am positive there’s nothing physical going on with my wife and someone else but my wife isn’t the emotional talk about your feelings type either and so I feel like it might be more difficult to tell if there’s a start of an emotional connection happening. Thanks in advance for any feedback.

General Rule: If your spidey sense is tingling.....investigate.

 

[Cynthia]

It's a simple thing to check the phone bill.

How about, on your drive into work, you listen to the same audio book she's listening to, then you two discuss it? That would be fun and ease your concerns.

 

[Beach123]

Check the phone bill. If that’s not possible then put a voice activated recorder under her seat and find out if she is listening to audio books.
Obviously you asked - so you must be left wondering.
So find out for sure.

 

[DudeInProgress]

For your piece of mind, just check the call logs on her phone and the phone bill call log. Anything beyond that (like a VAR) seems a bit excessive at this point based on what you wrote. If there’s nothing concerning or suspicious there, I wouldn’t worry about it unless something else suspicious comes up.
And if you don’t have access to the phone bill and her phone (assuming it’s not a work phone) that’s a separate problem.

 

[laxguy10]

If you trust your wife, go with your gut feelings.

I wouldn't take to heart a lot of this advice from the site. People tend to jump to the worst conclusion and make you start worrying, and then start to question your wife's loyalty.

I've read everything from detective, friends to follow her, or you do it. Track her car, put a listening device in the car. Go through her phone, really? Don't let your imagination get the best of you, or let people on here start thinking the worst.

I'm a cheater, and not in a small way. But I never protect my phone from her; we both have the same passcodes, so nothing to hide. I would never look at her phone, and you shouldn't either. When her phone rings, I bring it to her. I never answer it. She always tells me to answer it, but I don't.

Once again, go with your gut on this.

 

[frusdil]

If there are no other details you've left out that could make you suspicious, then I think a VAR is an extreme overreaction. If you put in a VAR and there isn't anything more than what you've described, it will end up backfiring and you will be the one to have broken her trust. Are there any other reasons you feel you can't trust her?

There is nothing wrong with feeling a little uneasy from time to time, but I don't see anything here that would make me personally worried. That said, just take a look at the cell phone bill. Are there calls happening during the time she is driving? If there are, then she is lying and a VAR would make more sense. I also like the suggestion from @Teacherwifemom to ask her about the audio books. You'll get a good idea of whether or not she is actually listening to books and it could result is some good conversation.

This ^^.

OP, if you go down the VAR route, and again, based on what you've told us I STRONGLY advise against it, and find nothing of note, you need to take that you did it to your grave.

If you find nothing and tell your wife what you did, you likely will end up divorced - because YOU broke the trust in the marriage.

 

[Olsmokey]

Firstly, about the moral side of your case, because so many people are ashamed to find out if their partner is cheating on them or not, especially through snooping through their phones and other gadgets.
I have formulated for myself and offer you the following moral code of a relationship partner.
1. Every person HAS the RIGHT to suspect their partner of cheating.
2. Every person who suspects their partner of cheating HAS the RIGHT to confirm or deny their suspicions through INVESTIGATION without violating the officially established laws adopted in their country/state.
3.When investigating a partner's infidelity, everyone HAS the RIGHT to be guided by the moral restrictions set by themselves, and not by the moral restrictions set by the suspect or any other people.
.........................................................................
So, answering your question, I believe that you have the right and must confirm or deny your suspicions about your wife.
Installing a VAR and GPS tracker is a good investigative tool, as long as it does not contradict the law in force in the place where you live.
But even if this is prohibited by law, and the results cannot be presented in the divorce process or are useless in the division of property or in the establishment of custody, then you still have the right to find out the truth, if this method does not contradict your morals.
At the same time, it should be remembered that theoretically, if there is a prohibitive law, your wife can sue you. However, I have not yet met or heard/read anywhere about a single fact when a cheater/accused of cheating would actually bring the case to an open hearing in court.
.......................................................................
So, in short, my advice.
1) Establish yourself internally in the need to investigate your suspicions and formulate your strategy and tactics.
2) Contact a good lawyer about the permissibility of various investigation methods.
3) Install a hidden VAR and additionally a GPS tracker.
4) Snoop through her phone but be very careful so that she wouldn't find out about it in any case.
+
If additional red flags appear:
4) Install hidden cameras and microphones at home, microphones should be installed in all places where she can talk on the phone with potential APs or share her adventures with friends and family members.
5) Hire a PI (this is the best solution if there are serious suspicions).

Good luck!

Thank you for the great info and advice. I’ll definitely be better prepared moving forward whichever way this goes.

 

[Olsmokey]

From what you have said I can't understand why you are worried. You have no reason to think those things except for your own jealousy.

Yes, you are correct and I think that’s kind of what I needed to hear. I’m a classic over thinker and sometimes get myself in trouble because of it. This is that situation where the more I think about it the more it bugs me but the reality is is that there’s really no reason for me to be bothered by any of it. Thank you.

 

[Olsmokey]

It is not jealousy, it is a fear created in his mind.

Good point. I hadn’t thought about it like that but I think you may be correct. As I keep running the situation through my mind I just keep adding to it based on what I’m afraid of finding out. In reality there is nothing to validate those fears.

 

[Olsmokey]

Always trust your gut feeling if something feels off and what to do for peace of mind:
To follow your wife`s activities it is extremely easy to be your own detective and most of it can be done at home on the computer from the comfort of your own armchair.
I guarantee that she will have either a facebook account, instagram, Youtube or have profiles on other social networking sites or on multiple networking websites perhaps even ads on dating sites.

What you need:

Her email addresses
Mobile phone numbers
Any nicknames she uses
Actual Name
Residential address.
A clear facial photo.

First try typing in either her real name, nickname, phone numbers or emailing addresses into facebook in order to find her facebook account if you don`t have it. Check out her past and present activities on there including and most importantly, check out her friends list to see the type of people she is associating with.

Next type any of the information you already have about her including what I have listed above into various search engines, especially Google and see if she is mentioned in any of the lists that appear. Also do a Google image search. I bet my bottom dollar that this will yield in results. You will be amazed what results this will have just by only typing in an email address or mobile phone number.
Next go into a website called Pimeyes. It works by face recognition. The first 3 searches are free. You get 3 free searches every 24 hours. Upload a clear face photo of your wife and then click search. If she has any photos of her online the search will show them. The best one is face check - FaceCheck - Reverse Image Search - Face Recognition Search Engine
Completely free and does a face recognition search of all social medias.

There are various free people, social networking search engines and image comparison searches also available online. If you discover photos of her online, download the photos onto your hard drive and do a Google and TinEye image search to see where else she has uploaded her photos she may be using on her profiles.

At one time a close friend asked me to conduct an online search on his girlfriend and within only 5 minutes I knew more about this person than my friend had known since the 2 years he was dating her. It transpired that this girl had a string of guys on the go.. It was all there in plain view.

My recommended above methods should be the first line of search and the hiring of a private detective that I have no doubts won`t be cheap could be considered as a last resort.

Also worth trying, is to get a friend or you follow her when she goes out and if getting a chance or to unexpectedly turn up wherever she is and also take a look at her cell phone to see who she`s communicating with.

One major point in all this, is that at all times you must act cool as if suspecting nothing and the online searches must be discrete and the person unaware that these searches are taking place. Otherwise if they get even a hint that their activities are under scrutiny, they will quickly make their profiles private or change their user names and other details so that it becomes extremely difficult to track them online.

If you find evidence that she is cheating, grab the evidence that can be used if need be.

Hopefully this leads to nothing, except to help give peace of mind.

Think about it.

Wow great info. I had no idea a lot of that even existed lol. I will keep that in mind moving forward. Thank you.

 

[Olsmokey]

If your marriage is that far gone that you have to do this ^^ just get a divorce.

I dont understand why you’re concerned, at least from what you wrote.

In a lot of ways I agree with you that if our marriage is at that point it’s time to leave. A big part of why I posted on here is that I was curious what other people’s thoughts were on a situation like this. I am great at over-thinking things and I think this is a situation where I can create a situation in my head that doesn’t exist in reality. But because it’s in my head now I can’t let it go. Overall I think my wife and I have a solid relationship but it’s just this one situation that has gotten into my head and has turned into more than it should. I appreciate you taking the time to reply and thank you for your advice.

 

[Cynthia]

I think this whole thing stems from your belief that your wife can't drive without talking to someone, so you believe she must be talking to someone.

A lot of people listen to audio books. It's more probable that your wife is listening to audio books than it is she's talking to someone else. If you put a VAR in your vehicle, it's way over kill and can damage your marriage, if your wife finds out. It's also illegal in many, probably most states.

Coming on here is probably making it much worse, because people are encouraging you to distrust your wife.

Why haven't you simply checked the phone bill?

 

[Olsmokey]

I've been cheated on, and cheated, and the responses here seem like overkill based on what you said. You think she's cheating just because, due to your job, she can't talk to you on her commute? Is there more to this story that gives you that worried feeling?

If you are concerned, look at her phone bill call log. That's step 1. If you don't have access to that, why not?

That was part of why I came here to post. I was kind of hoping people would tell me I’m overreacting and it would straighten me out. It’s not the not talking to me on her drive that’s the problem. I don’t even care if it’s a male coworker necessarily. There are a couple of her male coworkers that I don’t care for but if she’s talking about school (she’s a teacher) with them it wouldn’t really bother me too much. It’s more just if she is talking to someone I’d rather her be upfront about it. She’s never really been into audio books until now but it just seemed kind of out of character for her to that and that’s what got me thinking in the first place. I guess if it’s anything it’s probably got more to do with my not liking/trusting a couple of her coworkers that started me thinking about the whole situation. I could check the call logs but our phones are under her name (teachers get a discount) and I can’t ever remember the password we used for the phone account so I’d have to ask her and try to come up with a cover story about why I wanted it. As crazy as it sounds that didn’t seem sensible but a VAR did lol. Thank you for your advice.

 

[Olsmokey]

I'm of the opinion that you either have trust or you don't. And a marriage cannot succeed without it.

If you really think your wife is calling some other guy then go ahead and place a VAR. But consider what the fallout will be if she discovers you've done this, especially if she isn't cheating. And frankly, nothing you've written suggests that she is. Is there more to this story than you've told us?

Not much to add to explain my thoughts but there are a couple of my wife’s male coworkers that I don’t care for. She’s a teacher and another teacher (male) made some comments to me about my wife while we were at a dinner/fundraiser a while back. My wife downplayed it because he was drunk but it still didn’t sit well with me. I think a lot of this comes from my dislike/distrust of him. I wouldn’t be thrilled moooif she was talking to him on her way to school but if they were talking about school stuff I wouldn’t necessarily be too upset. It’s more just that if she is talking to him I’d like her to be upfront about it. Thank you for your advice.

 

[Olsmokey]

IMHO, in this day and age, the strongest indicator is how the suspected cheater behaves with their phone. Look for things such as password changes, phone bills, and "phone guarding". Is she inseparable from her phone? Does she ever leave it behind? Are you able to access and use it if needed?

If none of the above, then I think you're in the clear. What you posted in and of itself does not seem to be nearly a strong enough indicator, unless you're omitting something.

Also, another poster mentioned gut feelings. Do not confuse paranoia with your gut. Use your gut to make you more aware of your situation, and don't make investigative decisions based on paranoia.

Thank you for the great advice. My gut is telling me I’m being crazy getting this worked up over this situation. Overall I think I have a really good relationship with my wife and it’s just this one situation that has me all twisted about. She hasn’t given me any reason to worry. She is fairly open with her phone although she has always, always deleted texts and calls from her phone (we have had conversations about this in the past and her explanation is fine-long but fine). I would think about checking the call logs but our phones are in her name (we get a discount lol) and I can’t remember the account password. For some stupid reason I didn’t want to try to think up a reason to ask her for the password so I thought a recorder made more sense. Again thank you for your input.

 

[Olsmokey]

You start by acting like a rational husband. Ask her to tell you about her audiobooks.

Your job change has made the normal phone calls more difficult. Discovering audiobooks is not uncommon at all.

If this is truly all you’re going by then I think you have serious jealousy issues. You sound very insecure, which is a real turn off to women. If I ever discovered that I was being recording while doing absolutely nothing wrong THAT would be the absolute end of the trust, and likely the marriage.

I can agree on digging deeper when there is an actual reason for suspicion, but based on what you wrote, this isn’t it. I’d tread very lightly here.

If there’s more going on then you should share it, because based just on this, you’re being paranoid.

Yes I do feel like I have jealousy/insecurity issues going on but really it’s just this one situation that is bothering me. There is a little bit of a history with a male coworker of hers who I don’t care for. My wife is a teacher and if she is talking to a male coworker about school stuff it wouldn’t really bother me. It’s more about if she is talking to someone why would she hide that? She knows I don’t care for/trust this guy but it would bother me more if she is covering up that she’s talking to him. That’s what I keep getting hung up on. I think I just want to know if it’s the one coworker that I don’t like that she’s talking to. More because I don’t like him than because I don’t trust her. Thank you for your honesty and advice.

 

[Olsmokey]

What you wrote, on its surface, makes me think you are overreacting and don't need to do anything. Your job is new, she can't talk to you, so she listens to books. She has given you zero indication of any wrongdoing whatsoever.

HOWEVER - there are only 2 reasons that you are suspicious at all.

1) You are very suspicious/insecure by nature, despite a long marriage. This is a YOU problem. OR.....
2) Something has happened before (either in this marriage or another relationship you had) that has your spidey senses tingling. Maybe she's gotten too close to a coworker before, or you guys went through infidelity, something?

Only you really know if it's #1 or #2. If there is nothing you can really point to, specifically, then it's probably #1.

Yes I definitely agree that I feel like it’s a ‘me’ problem. Overall I think my wife and I have a pretty solid relationship. It’s just this one situation that is eating away at me. There is a little bit of a history with a male coworker of hers and it would bother me a little bit if she was talking to him on the phone. I also think it’s more because I don’t like/don’t trust him than anything to do with her. Thank you for your advice.

 

[Olsmokey]

If there are no other details you've left out that could make you suspicious, then I think a VAR is an extreme overreaction. If you put in a VAR and there isn't anything more than what you've described, it will end up backfiring and you will be the one to have broken her trust. Are there any other reasons you feel you can't trust her?

There is nothing wrong with feeling a little uneasy from time to time, but I don't see anything here that would make me personally worried. That said, just take a look at the cell phone bill. Are there calls happening during the time she is driving? If there are, then she is lying and a VAR would make more sense. I also like the suggestion from @Teacherwifemom to ask her about the audio books. You'll get a good idea of whether or not she is actually listening to books and it could result is some good conversation.

There really isn’t anything on my wife’s side that gives me reason to suspect anything other than possibly lying about talking on the phone. There is a male coworker of hers that I don’t like/don’t trust and it would bother me a little bit if she was talking to him but I think that’s just because I don’t like the guy. The VAR is probably extreme but on the surface it seemed like the quickest way to find things out. It, however, does open up an other set of issues and that’s how I ended up posting here. I was kind of hoping enough people would respond with sanity and reason to steer me towards a better decision than the way I was going. Our phones are under my wife’s name and I can’t ever remember the account password to be able to check call logs. So rather than trying to come up with a story for my wife about why I needed the password I thought maybe a VAR was a better option. Definitely sounds a little extreme just typing that. I also agree that @Teacherwifemom has some great advice. Thank you for your help.

 

[Olsmokey]

This ^^.

OP, if you go down the VAR route, and again, based on what you've told us I STRONGLY advise against it, and find nothing of note, you need to take that you did it to your grave.

If you find nothing and tell your wife what you did, you likely will end up divorced - because YOU broke the trust in the marriage.

Very true and great advice. I was half hoping to get a verbal slap in the face on here and open my eyes to how crazy I have turned this situation into. That’s my fear with the VAR- once I open that door and use it how much easier would it be to use it again in the future. And again. And again. When would I be able to stop? Thank you for your helpful and wise words.

 

[Olsmokey]

For me, trust and open, honest communication are the foundation of my relationship with my wife. We've worked hard to build that, and it's something we both value deeply.

That said, I understand not everyone has that same dynamic, or sometimes doubt can creep in even in strong relationships—especially when behaviors change.

If you're feeling unsettled and need peace of mind, and if direct communication doesn’t seem like an option right now, there are ways to discreetly clarify things. One option could be using a voice-activated recorder—something inexpensive you could place in the car (even an old smartphone works). It’s not ideal, and it’s definitely a last resort—but if it's something you feel you have to do to put your mind at ease, it’s a simple method that can provide clarity.

Just be mindful: going down this path could have consequences if discovered. If you do find something concerning—or if you find nothing at all—it may lead back to the need for an honest conversation anyway. So really weigh whether you want to get an answer covertly or work toward more open communication.

Normally I feel like my wife and I can converse about anything and be upfront and honest with each other. It’s just this one situation that has me feeling like I’m not getting the same honesty as I normally do. I do feel like a recorder is a bit extreme but as I run through the situation over and over in my head a recorder seems to make more and more sense. But it does open up the very real possibility of me having to explain my actions and that is a whole other issue that I’m not sure is worth the risk. Thank you for your advice.