[Ragnar Ragnasson]

Speaking as a woman who was NOT considered a valuable play toy to her husband, I can tell you that there was a point that I would have cut my own arm off for that kind of attention from him.

Being wanted as a special sexual object to my loving partner is what I always wanted, and would have made me feel like a whole woman, instead of a housekeeper.

Being used as a wife appliance was much more dehumanizing and so painful.

Well this confirms things yet again for me. I've always treated the W as my sex toy, and I'm hers, I've been doing it right all along!!

 

[hamadryad]

It's not only the women who have something to work on who lack confidence and worry they aren't "perfect" enough. Paulina Porizkova writes about her own insecurities!!!

Feeling truly confident is complicated and can be elusive, no matter how you look.

True....

But if you do nothing about it(not referring to anyone in the thread, btw), then why would anyone expect anything to change? I mean, sure, you can do everything right and still not feel any more confident or self assured, but at least at that point you attempted to put some work in to achieve it...

I dunno...I just hear a lot of complaining and not anyone actually putting in the work needed...

 

[LisaDiane]

True....

But if you do nothing about it(not referring to anyone in the thread, btw), then why would anyone expect anything to change? I mean, sure, you can do everything right and still not feel any more confident or self assured, but at least at that point you attempted to put some work in to achieve it...

I dunno...I just hear a lot of complaining and not anyone actually putting in the work needed...

I AGREE, definitely. And I feel the same way about people (mostly men) in frustrating, sexless relationships, who just complain all the time but never work to solve the problem. Just DO something already!! Lol!

I think the people who have a black hole of need for validation are the ones who can get stuck in a "loop" of never reaching their goals (for feeling good about themselves)...so it won't matter what they do, because what they really need is different from what getting in shape can give them.

When you live a healthier lifestyle and work out because you WANT to and because it makes your body feel good to be in shape and flexible/strong, you are going to have a much healthier mindset emotionally as well.
When eating right and staying in shape comes from a place of self-LOVE, not self-loathing, you already have the confidence that knowing your own value gives you.

 

[Anon Pink]

The hope is that being someone's play toy is the icing on the cake, while the actual cake is a sound relationship.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk

This is the goal ultimately. Can one have icing without the cake….only if they really like icing. Can one have the cake and no icing? Yes but what’s the point?

If your cake is good but your icing isn’t your either scrape off the icing or toss the cake. Most scrape off the icing and eat the cake.

If the icing is great but the cake sucks, the only people happy with that are those who really have a sweet tooth.

Hey there Far, hope all’s well with you.

 

[ConanHub]

This is the goal ultimately. Can one have icing without the cake….only if they really like icing. Can one have the cake and no icing? Yes but what’s the point?

If your cake is good but your icing isn’t your either scrape off the icing or toss the cake. Most scrape off the icing and eat the cake.

If the icing is great but the cake sucks, the only people happy with that are those who really have a sweet tooth.

Hey there Far, hope all’s well with you.

Anon Pink!!!!!!!👍

 

[Anon Pink]

Anon Pink!!!!!!!👍

shhhhhh, you never saw me……

 

[farsidejunky]

shhhhhh, you never saw me……

********!

I saw you. Now you can't sneak off...again...

[emoji41]

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk

 

[badsanta]

How lovely that my struggle is such a hilarious form of amusement.

Sorry to disappoint everyone rooting for my marriage to fail, but my husband has no idea I have these feelings. I come to the internet to vent the crazy so it doesn’t hurt our life.

Believe it or not, one insane internet based breakdown does not in fact define a person. What does define a person is their reaction to someone in pain. Mocking that, as you have done here, must make you feel so very proud.

I'm not mocking you personally even though it may feel that way. Keep in mind I have no idea who you are in real life nor have or will we ever meet. I am not even mocking your situation as there is nothing funny about it. Truth is it hurts! It hurts a lot.

My observation is that the pain is most often self inflicted. I've been there myself. When my wife and I had marital problems I tried to back down and just start with a hug. She would not hug me and I got upset about it. She eventually came to give me a hug but told me she didn't mean it but only did it just to shut me up so I would stop complaining. So I felt if not only had my physical being was rejected from intimacy, but also from something as a simple hug. I was devastated and considered leaving the marriage.

However I eventually stood up for myself. I allowed my wife to see how much I was hurting and how vulnerable I was but in a way that was non-confrontational. I basically told her that when she made my physical presence feel like something that was unwanted that in return I was starting to feel the same about her and to me that is what hurt the most.

Everyone knows the idea of wanting to be wanted. Needing to be needed. To love someone to love them. Then when that happens, some people refuse to believe it. Outright reject it. For sure something must be wrong because of that fear that no one could ever really love them. As a result they allow themselves to feel used. Instead you should stand up for yourself and tell your husband what it is you need in order to feel loved.

For me I don't so much need sex. I just need for my wife to confidently accept that I find her desirable and cultivate that into something positive. Perhaps I have done too good of a job as my wife now fully understands what she can do with that in our marriage. She smiles and giggles when I let her know that I am wanting her because that is a reason to celebrate marriage and not to destroy it.

What is it that you need from your husband to feel loved? Do you have the courage to stand up and advocate for yourself in order to make him give that to you? (You don't have to answer that, but just reflect on it). Odds are whatever it is might make him feel a little used by you in order to make that happen, and odds are you are going to struggle with allowing yourself to enjoy it during that moments that those things happen for you. But if you stop and take a moment to appreciate reality from his perspective, he probably enjoys trying to help you feel loved if you give him and honest opportunity to do that.

What does the above paragraph look like in practice? Perhaps he helps you to pursue a hobby or career path that you have never had the time for. In the process you discover something that brings you joy and makes you happy. That feeling of "love" will be you wanting to share that happiness with him. Yes he may want to be intimate with you as a result, but just allow yourself to enjoy being wanted and appreciated by your spouse. Why do some folks have to make that so unbelievably impossible.

Allow yourself to be confident. That does not happen with instant gratification, it happens by allowing yourself to fail and learn by doing things that you care about for you. Gradually you build that confidence by learning that you learn a lot with each failure and you slowly become confident at knowing exactly how to do the things you care about and do them not only well but in ways that better yourself more than you thought was possible.

Allowing yourself to be confident is allowing yourself to embrace the failures that are a part of self growth. A college professor of mine once required everyone to fail at least one project in order to get an A. You however had to fail while diligently trying something new and outside of your comfort zone. Best lesson in life I ever learned!

OK I'm rambling. Just wanted to say I am not mocking you. I however don't want to comfort you. Your frustration is a required part of your self growth kicking you to do something. Anything... stand up for yourself! Not here, but in real life with your spouse!

Cheers,
Badsanta

 

[Divine&FemPatriciaBlue]

I'm not mocking you personally even though it may feel that way. Keep in mind I have no idea who you are in real life nor have or will we ever meet. I am not even mocking your situation as there is nothing funny about it. Truth is it hurts! It hurts a lot.

My observation is that the pain is most often self inflicted. I've been there myself. When my wife and I had marital problems I tried to back down and just start with a hug. She would not hug me and I got upset about it. She eventually came to give me a hug but told me she didn't mean it but only did it just to shut me up so I would stop complaining. So I felt if not only had my physical being was rejected from intimacy, but also from something as a simple hug. I was devastated and considered leaving the marriage.

However I eventually stood up for myself. I allowed my wife to see how much I was hurting and how vulnerable I was but in a way that was non-confrontational. I basically told her that when she made my physical presence feel like something that was unwanted that in return I was starting to feel the same about her and to me that is what hurt the most.

Everyone knows the idea of wanting to be wanted. Needing to be needed. To love someone to love them. Then when that happens, some people refuse to believe it. Outright reject it. For sure something must be wrong because of that fear that no one could ever really love them. As a result they allow themselves to feel used. Instead you should stand up for yourself and tell your husband what it is you need in order to feel loved.

For me I don't so much need sex. I just need for my wife to confidently accept that I find her desirable and cultivate that into something positive. Perhaps I have done too good of a job as my wife now fully understands what she can do with that in our marriage. She smiles and giggles when I let her know that I am wanting her because that is a reason to celebrate marriage and not to destroy it.

What is it that you need from your husband to feel loved? Do you have the courage to stand up and advocate for yourself in order to make him give that to you? (You don't have to answer that, but just reflect on it). Odds are whatever it is might make him feel a little used by you in order to make that happen, and odds are you are going to struggle with allowing yourself to enjoy it during that moments that those things happen for you. But if you stop and take a moment to appreciate reality from his perspective, he probably enjoys trying to help you feel loved if you give him and honest opportunity to do that.

What does the above paragraph look like in practice? Perhaps he helps you to pursue a hobby or career path that you have never had the time for. In the process you discover something that brings you joy and makes you happy. That feeling of "love" will be you wanting to share that happiness with him. Yes he may want to be intimate with you as a result, but just allow yourself to enjoy being wanted and appreciated by your spouse. Why do some folks have to make that so unbelievably impossible.

Allow yourself to be confident. That does not happen with instant gratification, it happens by allowing yourself to fail and learn by doing things that you care about for you. Gradually you build that confidence by learning that you learn a lot with each failure and you slowly become confident at knowing exactly how to do the things you care about and do them not only well but in ways that better yourself more than you thought was possible.

Allowing yourself to be confident is allowing yourself to embrace the failures that are a part of self growth. A college professor of mine once required everyone to fail at least one project in order to get an A. You however had to fail while diligently trying something new and outside of your comfort zone. Best lesson in life I ever learned!

OK I'm rambling. Just wanted to say I am not mocking you. I however don't want to comfort you. Your frustration is a required part of your self growth kicking you to do something. Anything... stand up for yourself! Not here, but in real life with your spouse!

Cheers,
Badsanta

I felt a lot of these things you mentioned in my own marriage. I'm not so much lacking confidence in myself as I am in my spouse. Once I finally got the courage to really tell him what I needed, without being gas lit or being talked over and not backing down until it was all out of my mouth, I felt better. My situation didn't change, but I did take up for myself, full well knowing I was not going to met with anything other than anger and ridicule for explaining myself.

I still feel used, completely taken advantage of an under appreciated and the only thing left to do is shut up and bear it, or get off the pot so to speak. You can stand up for yourself and be open to your spouse trying to make an effort to turn things around, but you can't make that horse drink from the well you sprung. Mine would rather thirst to death than show any form of vulnerability for emotion for the sake of being intimate. I really am just a warm wet hole.

Anyhow, kudo's to you for taking the time to explain to previous poster you weren't coming for her and sharing the hard truths you did. It's eye opening.

 

[Resu]

What does define a person is their reaction to someone in pain.

Well done speaking up!
To an outsider it looks like a class bully entertaining his fans by picking on someone, possibly someone vulnerable for added effect. Not a good look for a site like this. I am sure the notion of being reduced to a hole has been well articulated by women writers elsewhere and if it is only your experience of your own situation it should be perfectly valid for that alone anyway.

 

[badsanta]

Mine would rather thirst to death than show any form of vulnerability for emotion for the sake of being intimate. I really am just a warm wet hole.

Vulnerability can sometimes be a paradox. Men are often taught that women need to feel safe and protected, and also treat relationships the exact same way. On the surface that looks and feels a lot like the very opposite of allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Ironically it is a willingness to be vulnerable with those that we love that actually serves to make relationships stronger.

What exactly is this type of vulnerability that needs to be embraced? In my opinion it is a willingness to openly embrace one's own imperfections as something that actually serves to make us into a stronger and better person. It can take a lot of courage to open up about one's compulsive habits/vices that tend to stay hidden (in order to protect the relationship). The longer one hides their imperfections, it allows shame to grow which then distorts and tends to destroy everything. As time goes by, the effort needed to open up and be vulnerable can feel insurmountable. It is however needed in order for a relationship to grow and thrive. According to the divorce rates, approximately 50% of people never get the courage to simply be completely honest about themselves with the one's they love.

In doing so, one has to embrace failure and imperfection as a true source of self development. A willingness to do so is what confidence starts to look like. That willingness to go to the doctor and honestly talk about something that seems troubling as opposed to ignoring it and hoping it goes away. A mindset of knowing that things may not go well when trying something new, but being open to enjoying an opportunity to learn something from it.

I still struggle with this notion of someone feeling used for sex. In my opinion I think it is because we all have this model of love=intimacy=sex. Sex can happen without love or intimacy. Intimacy can happen without sex or love. Love can happen without sex or intimacy. Generally speaking we all however have this prerequisite that love and intimacy should be present in order for sex to be allowed. The truth is that we are all under a great deal of stress which when you allow someone to get close to that it can feel rather uncomfortable, unsettling, and the opposite of what one might thing intimacy should feel like. Connecting with someone should feel good shouldn't it? Well if you connect with someone full of stress and shame about being true to themselves, it is going to be a rather unpleasant experience of intimacy. Couples then have a tendency to use sexual pleasure as relief from that uncomfortable intimacy. Is that an act of love or just confusion? Does it make us feel confident or unsettled.

My point being here is that we have to own up to the fact that not only do we want intimacy (feeling close) with our spouse, but we want them to do so from a place of being relaxed and without any stress so that it feels good when we make that connection. We want that feeling of close connection to feel comforting and reassuring. Meanwhile sexual pleasure tends to thrive on some form of risk and the novelty of something new and unknown. Some philosophies describe pleasure exclusively as relief from suffering.

Men often tend to use sex as a relief from stress. It is perhaps a difficult habit to break. Once other coping mechanisms for stress relief are successful, along with the subsiding stress comes a subsiding drive for sex. Your not wanted for sex anymore, but perhaps that is the time when you might want it the most. It is imperfect. Perhaps meeting somewhere in the middle us where the magic happens, but to do so I think everyone has to own up to the fact that no one gets exactly what they want, things are going to be imperfect, and will often fail. A willingness to try and be a team about it doesn't happen overnight, that part will take years.

Regards,
Badsanta