[straightshooter]

Wishes,

Your behavior was not unique for a WW, maybe more gaslighting ( which he swallowed) than blamshifting, but the lying, deceit, are all par for the course.

The difference quite frankly is that while MOST men will make the statement that cheating is a deal breaker, in fact most men do not leave the first time it happens. At least not like your husband apparently did.

Unfortunately, it appears that whether it was the sex, gaslighting, or whatever, he has made his choice.

You know what you did was very bad, and you are reaping the consequences. You have lost your husband and you are now working full time to support yourself. And through it all, you are still hoping and it appears to me at least remorseful.

People reconcile after much worse, and people divorce with even less. That all depends on the BH involved.

Too bad a lot of WW do not give it the effort you have. You are not the worst person on the face of the earth and it is probably time to accept your situation and stop chasing something that will not happen.

You made terrible choices, you know that, but it happened and that cannot change.

 

[convert]

Wow can you send me that thread?

Here it is. don't know for sure it is wishes's husband

long thread

 

[Acoa]

Here it is. don't know for sure it is wishes's husband



long thread



SurvivingInfidelity.com - Now she is SO sorry

Very close to my story. Triggers abound.

Good take away lesson for any wayward who may stumble across this thread... This is what lying and covering up Discovery of the affair leads to. Complete and total destruction.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[convert]

Very close to my story. Triggers abound.

Good take away lesson for any wayward who may stumble across this thread... This is what lying and covering up Discovery of the affair leads to. Complete and total destruction.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

yep the emails the betrayed husband read were soul crushing

 

[GusPolinski]

Gaslighting (making someone think they are crazy or irrational for something that they have every right in the world to be concerned about) to me is an ultimate betrayal that, in my opinion, is equal to the adultery itself.

As a husband, I task myself to protect my wife emotionally, physically and mentally. I expect my wife to do the same. When a person gaslights his/her spouse, to me that is a direct mental and emotional assault on a person.

Remember our beloved member Ing? His WW and her OM were gaslighting the OMW for months on end and literally had the poor woman going psychotic with their lies and manipulation. Ing tried to help but the OMW wasn't listening. It was tragic. And evil.

As I recall, "Boob", the OM in RDMU's narrative, spent years doing the same to his own wife.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Doc Who]

I doubt if her BH is actually Done Gone. DG has not yet filed, but getting ready to. Apparently, Wishes is actually divorced.

 

[wmn1]

Here it is. don't know for sure it is wishes's husband

long thread

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Now she is SO sorry

yep, I bumped that thread over there and he just updated it.

I wonder if this is DG's wife.

If so, the OM got his arse handed to him physically and in court.

The reason I don't think this is DG's ex wife is because Wishes said he caught them in the act, DG never caught them in the act.

 

[convert]

I doubt if her BH is actually Done Gone. DG has not yet filed, but getting ready to. Apparently, Wishes is actually divorced.

no no read the update they are divorces like last week or so

I looked a post he made on February 14 he said his divorce was final in January.

 

[Tron]

I think I read your husband's side of the story. You turned the whole situation around on him. You convinced him he was crazy. You even made him go see a therapist. You even had your daughters fooled and told them you weren't doing anything and their father needed help. Once he finally had proof that you were indeed physically cheating, you made him go to three marriage counseling sessions before you gave him the passwords to your laptop and phone. He did go and after you gave him the passwords plus the burner phone, he found out how badly the OM would berate him. I think he even caught you two at a restaurant and the OM was playing footsie with you under the table while your trusting hubby sat there and was happy that you were meeting an old childhood friend. He did put you on a pedestal. He said you were his world and it all collapsed once he found out what you were really doing. He had to rebuild his relationship with his daughters because you had them believing he was accusing you and you said you were doing nothing. Now they tolerate you. It was very cruel how you did him. He would have a hard time believing that you would change after such behavior. I really hope you do change if this was you. I believe you can. I think your husband will always love you, but trust will be a whole different issue.

If this is indeed Wishes' story, I know it. Very sad. And Affaircare's comparison to a nuke is quite accurate. The gas-lighting and humiliation suffered by your H at the hands of you and your AP was especially heinous.

And, if this is the story I am thinking of, he is now dating your AP's ex-wife. And she has lot more going for her than you, morally, financially, etc. She didn't mess around with your loser AP either, just dumped his a$$ that fast.

If she doesn't snatch him up right away your XH will find dating quite remarkable.

OP, I honestly wish I had something hopeful or good to tell you. My advice would be to continue to focus on yourself, continue with whatever IC you need to come to terms with the what, where and how this happened. You will also need to come to terms witht eh fact that you've lost your H. You are still alive, can still be a good mom can make it your goal to be a better person in the future. Get healthy, fix your compass.

Without that, there is no path back to your XH...or any other decent man for that matter.

 

[GusPolinski]

I think I read your husband's side of the story. You turned the whole situation around on him. You convinced him he was crazy. You even made him go see a therapist. You even had your daughters fooled and told them you weren't doing anything and their father needed help. Once he finally had proof that you were indeed physically cheating, you made him go to three marriage counseling sessions before you gave him the passwords to your laptop and phone. He did go and after you gave him the passwords plus the burner phone, he found out how badly the OM would berate him. I think he even caught you two at a restaurant and the OM was playing footsie with you under the table while your trusting hubby sat there and was happy that you were meeting an old childhood friend. He did put you on a pedestal. He said you were his world and it all collapsed once he found out what you were really doing. He had to rebuild his relationship with his daughters because you had them believing he was accusing you and you said you were doing nothing. Now they tolerate you. It was very cruel how you did him. He would have a hard time believing that you would change after such behavior. I really hope you do change if this was you. I believe you can. I think your husband will always love you, but trust will be a whole different issue.

Damn.

If even half of this is true, I don't see him ever coming back.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[straightshooter]

Wishes,

If that thread that they said was your husbands is it, you have no chance at any reconciliation and he should be committed to an asylum if he even responded to you.

gaslighting and lying is one thing. using the kids is in a league of its own.

 

[jsmart]

I too, thought this was Done Gone's XWW. If so, he ain't taking her back. He was emotionally abused by his ex. Even had their daughters turned against him. He did get a chance to not only kick POS's @ss but may be dating the OBW.

If not the same person, this guy won't take her back unless, he goes out and sows some oats himself and if she waits, then maybe she can win him back. Thinking about the regular LSers that just recently had a baby after the BH divorced and dated for 3 years while his XWW stayed by herself.

 

[WasDecimated]

Don't forget boredom, and maybe empty-nest syndrome. She was a SAHM for most of the marriage. Once the kids are gone or no longer dependent on mom driving them back and forth, many SAHMs end up with lots of time on their hands, lots of time to surf the web, and lots of opportunity to get themselves into trouble.

This was part of the cheating equation for my XWW.

My Story is much like Wishes except I am the one who was cheated on. I always thought we had a great marriage and she claimed we did too. I put her on the proverbial pedestal…treated her like a queen and she became selfish and entitled. There were a lot of things that were happening at the same time. She was approaching 40, the kids were getting older and much more independent (more time on her hands), working only part time, she discovered Fakebook and jumped in deep, her parents had passed away with in in months of each other…etc.

My XWW reacted the same as you Wishes. I initially caught her texting OM. She claimed they were just friends. I told her if she continued I would divorce her. I gave her another chance. Guess what, she continued but took it underground. I was too trusting and naive. I didn’t find out for another 1 ½ years that it was still going on. After that she claimed it was only a EA. Again, I told her to stop talking to him or I would divorce her. I gave her yet another chance. Then I found out that the EA was lie and it was actually a PA the entire time. Her next step was the same as yours. She lied, gas-lighted, blame-shifted, insulted and humiliated me. She did her best to convince me that suddenly I was a piece of s**t. She said things that were so cold and cruel that I can never forget. Unlike you, she was unapologetic and had no empathy for me or our family that she was destroying. He only thoughts were about herself and her POS married boyfriend.

Needless to say, I divorced her. Her lack of empathy was one of the reasons but the fact that I gave her many chances to stop. Hell, every day from the beginning, was a new chance for her and she chose to blow them off in favor of lying and deception.

Honestly, I would never take her back. In my mind, cheating = divorce. Lying, gas-lighting, blame-shifting, lack of empathy with no remorse = I will never speak to you again…you are dead to me.

You do have one thing going for you, at least you are now remorseful and it seems as if you want to change and figure out your whys. You need to continue to pursue this regardless of what your BH wants in the future. You both getting time on your own to sort this out but I would consider this divorce real. Nobody goes through the D process unless they are serious.

 

[raven3321]

yep, I bumped that thread over there and he just updated it.

I wonder if this is DG's wife.

If so, the OM got his arse handed to him physically and in court.

The reason I don't think this is DG's ex wife is because Wishes said he caught them in the act, DG never caught them in the act.

This actually may be DG's wife. He wrote the divorce was finalized in January and she never said she was caught in the act. She only said she never confessed......he caught her. I'm re-analyzing this thread in light of DG's thread but the more I think about it, the more it looks like her. If it is, there probably won't be a reconciliation. The last post I saw from DG was the OMs drop dead gorgeous stbxw, invited him out on a date. Apparently they've both grown close over the past year.

Yeah. He ain't coming back.

 

[Cynthia]

Based on your op, I think I know what caused you to cheat.
You do not have an internal sense of self containment or integrity. You get your value from outside of yourself. You feel you cannot live without your ex. If you cannot live without him, you are not a safe person, because you base your worth on how he feels about you. You went looking for someone else, because you had a void that you were trying to fill. This is because another person will never be sufficient for giving you value. If your value doesn't come from your beliefs about yourself and your place in the world, you will never be safe or secure.
Until you feel that you are a person of value and that you are able to live without feeling lost without someone else to give you that sense of peace, you will not be a safe person for your ex. You may never get him back, but until you are okay with that and care enough about him that you let him go, he shouldn't take you back anyway. Until you resolve your internal issues, you could go off the rails again at any time.

 

[MattMatt]

Here it is. don't know for sure it is wishes's husband

long thread

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Now she is SO sorry

Oh, my.... I just read his first post. It really chilled me.

Triggered me, made me realise how fortunate I am to have my wife, as broken as she is.

Wishes, in effect, drove a stake through his heart and wonders why he just won't get up.

 

[Marduk]

Baloney.

I'm sorry to be insensitive, I'm just not buying it. Any of it.

Of course you know why you had the affair. You just don't want to own up to it.

Of course you knew you were risking your marriage. You did it anyway.

And I don't buy that you're this broken up about it now, either. I mean, in your whole diatribe, nowhere do you speak to how devastating this must have been to your husband.

In short... Don't buy any of it.

 

[Be smart]

Welcome to TAM my Lady.

Never lose hope. Who knows maybe someday you will start dating each other and marry once again. Life is full of suprises

You said you have kids together,so you know you are going to be in each other lives for so long. Try and work from there. Be a good mother and a good friend to your ex-husband.

I have to ask this. Are you still in contact with the OM ? Was he a good friend of your husband,co worker ... ?
Did you ever apologize to your husband,tell him the whole story and the truth ?

Are you working together for kids sake? Is there any other men in your life right now ?

How about your family,do they know ?

Most important thing - I hope you learned your lesson and you never do this again. No matter if we are talking about your ex-husband or the next one.

Sorry so much questions from me.

Stay strong my Lady.

 

[eric1]

If you really love him wouldn't you rather he be with someone better than you have proven yourself to be?

 

[TDSC60]

Just read the posts on SI of DoneGone. If he is indeed the XH of Wishes, then my advice to her is to move on with her life - there is no hope of R with XH. Her remorse at this point seems real, but after what she did to him, remorse is too little, too late. He will not allow her back in his life. In one of his last posts he admits to loving her but says being away from her hurts far less than being around her.