[EllisRedding]

No, I do not know why I did it. All of the rationalizations I used at the time are really sad.

Can you expand on what the rationalizations were? Just curious since everything you say about your H, I have a hard time wrapping my head around what the rationalizations could have been, except agreeing with @ThePheonix that you lost interest b/c he wasn't a challenge and the idea of something forbidden appealed to you.

Also, what do you think your H could have done, if anything, that would have kept you from cheating?

 

[funengineer]

I'm just curios

who is the other guy and where did you meet him? was he younger or older? was he better looking than your husband? and your first physical where was it and was it planned? the rest of your physicals where did they take place?

 

[Acoa]

@Wishes,

I know very well your XH emotional journey. It very closely parallels my own. Read http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62404-need-help-coping.html if you want for my journey.

Our marriage was not as perfect as the one you describe, but it was pretty good. Perhaps you are idealizing things, but I don't think that matters. Minor flaws or no flaws, I don't think it changes your XH's response.

Your response to his inquiry on texting was the fatal mistake. Yes, what you were doing was awful. Toying with another man's affections to inflate your own ego is a moral defect of character. But twisting your husband's suspicion and making him feel crazy for even questioning you was unforgivable. My XW did the same to me.

Now I question so much our past. Small details come back to me, fragments of memories where I question what really happened. How many lies did she feed me? I see in hindsight some of the things she said were really evil. All in an effort to keep me from knowing the truth.

We could never reconcile, as I will never trust her again. The lies were many, and they were awful. She used my love for her as a weapon against me. So, I'll never give her that power again.

My advice to you is to learn from your experience. Live a genuine life. Monogamy isn't for everyone, if it's not for you just be honest about that. If you think it is for you, then dig deep and understand why you sought out another man's attention when you had a perfectly good H at home.

And be honest in all things. When trying to hold up the image of being a 'good wife', it's easy to see why one wouldn't admit to having illicit communication with another man. But that cover up is the gasoline you tossed on the match. True intimacy requires absolute honest. If, on Dday 1 my XW would have been 100% honest about her affairs (yes, there were multiple), we could have made things work. I even told her this. But she was more concerned about her 'good girl' image. So, she lied. And worse, made me feel crazy for suspecting. Then even worse, continued the affairs and continued lying and playing the victim. It was because of that we will never reconcile.

Perhaps your H is in a similar spot as me. I don't hate my XW. I loved her for decades. We have 3 beautiful kids together. But I'll always guard my heart against her. To even consider a second attempt R makes me depressed. The anxiety and mistrust would kill me. I would become and angry, jealous and controlling man. And that's not who I am. Or worse, i'd fall for her again and risk the type of pain I've already went through. I don't think I could survive that. No, best that I move on. Best for everyone involved.

 

[LonelyinLove]

I suspect things were not as great as you think they were or the attention from someone else would not have been so meaningful.

 

[TDSC60]

Many times both spouses become too comfortable in the marriage. This looks like what happened here. As a SAHM, she got addicted to the thrill and attention she got from OM and eventually took it physical to keep the attention coming (an all too common story). Her husband (of 25 yrs?) was so comfortable and trusting with her he just could not imagine the possibility of her cheating on him. This is a trap that many SAHMs with a lengthy marriage fall into.

Wishes - your husband might come to talk to you about R in the future, but your treatment of him (try to place the blame on him) will not be an easy thing to get past for him. It may take a long time. But if you are willing to wait - who knows what could happen. One thing for sure is that if he gets word of you dating, he will be done with you.

Are you still in contact with him? Does he appear interested in how you are doing and how therapy is progressing? If so, he might be willing in the future.

 

[ConanHub]

I suspect things were not as great as you think they were or the attention from someone else would not have been so meaningful.

Or...

She had it good for a long time and started feeling complacent, entitled and took her good marriage for granted.

It honestly appears from her posts that she did take her husband for granted and let herself do some playing on the side.

She isn't the first person to blow a good thing and unfortunately won't be the last.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[BetrayedDad]

Anyone else think this bait, I mean story, was TOO well written?

Spider.... senses..... tingling..... Hope I'm wrong.

 

[snerg]

Anyone else think this bait, I mean story, was TOO well written?

Spider.... senses..... tingling..... Hope I'm wrong.

I swear this same story was here something like 6 or 7 moths ago.

The thing that made me wonder was that "he had to go through with the divorce". The other story was big on that part as well.

If it's not, then it's a pretty good indicator that almost all affairs follow the same rules (yeah, there is a nuance here and there that's different).

I would say in this case, it a matter of selfishness and entitlement.
OP you said you were in IC - ask about the above two items. How does your counselor think they figure in to your actions and attitude?

 

[bandit.45]

This is a problem. My marriage was almost perfect. My husband? Well, I would have to think hard and long to come up with a flaw. He is the product of very good parenting, a very gently nature and forgiving spirit. I am the one who brought baggage into the relationship and he never really seemed to notice.

I will finish this later today. Have to leave for work now.
And by the way, another result of my adultery...work.
I was a sahm; not anymore.

I think it took a lot of courage for you to come hear and tell us your story.

So that we can get a better picture of this situation, can you answer some questions for me? Answering these might allow us to come up with more refined suggestions as to what you can do for your XH going forwards.

1) How old are you and your husband?

2) Are your children grown or still at home?

3) You said your husband caught you and that is how he found out. What were the circumstances? Did he actually catch you with the OM, find your texts or emails, or catch you in the act of sexting the OM?

4) Once the affair went physical, how many times total did you meet with the OM to have sex?

5) Where did your meetups with the OM take place?

6) Did you ever have sex with the OM in your own home or on the marital bed?

7) How much of your shared household money went to fund your affair?

8) Was the OM a friend of the family or friend of your husband's?

9) How old is the OM?

10) How does your husband stack up to the OM? Is he uglier, more handsome, in better shape, in worse shape?

11) Were you still physically attracted to your husband when you started up with the OM?

12) How was your husband in bed? Were you satisfied sexually with him? Was the OM a better lover?

13) You said the texts/e-mails between you and OM were pretty lurid. Were there things you did sexually with the OM that you had beforehand refused or shied away from doing with hubby?

I'm not asking these questions to embarrass you, but these questions are the same questions that are churning in your husband's mind, I can guarantee you.

 

[bandit.45]

I swear this same story was here something like 6 or 7 moths ago.

The thing that made me wonder was that "he had to go through with the divorce". The other story was big on that part as well.

If it's not, then it's a pretty good indicator that almost all affairs follow the same rules (yeah, there is a nuance here and there that's different).

I would say in this case, it a matter of selfishness and entitlement.
OP you said you were in IC - ask about the above two items. How does your counselor think they figure in to your actions and attitude?

This story has been repeated a dozen times in the 4 years I've been on this site. The script doesn't change much.

 

[bandit.45]

Or...

She had it good for a long time and started feeling complacent, entitled and took her good marriage for granted.

It honestly appears from her posts that she did take her husband for granted and let herself do some playing on the side.

She isn't the first person to blow a good thing and unfortunately won't be the last.
Posted via Mobile Device

Don't forget boredom, and maybe empty-nest syndrome. She was a SAHM for most of the marriage. Once the kids are gone or no longer dependent on mom driving them back and forth, many SAHMs end up with lots of time on their hands, lots of time to surf the web, and lots of opportunity to get themselves into trouble.

 

[Decorum]

Can someone pm me a link to the husbands thread?

Thanks

 

[farsidejunky]

Can someone pm me a link to the husbands thread?

Thanks

Same.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

 

[Truthseeker1]

This story has been repeated a dozen times in the 4 years I've been on this site. The script doesn't change much.

QFT - no it doesn't the cheating playbook is used by all cheaters - the Op seems to be taking full responsibility for her decisions - but that still doesn't guarantee a successful R

 

[Decorum]

Wishes,

This is so disturbing. Wishes I feel sympathy for you, it is sad you have so badly damaged your life. I am sorry.

My wife and I have been married for 30 years; I can’t imagine looking into my partners eyes and seeing this unspeakable level of hurt and pain and knowing that I put it there. I am sure the pain must be crushing for you as well.

There are reasons why a man wont reconcile. It might be helpful to know what your husbands are. I am not suggesting you ask him, but maybe give it some thought.
In some cases a man will feel there will always be a third person in bed with the two of you, he will never know the truth of how he compares, or that he wants to be compared at all. A life time of that is simply too much.
Why you did it may be important, but it may not even be on the top of his list.

Sometimes they are not willing to live with the daily pain and reminder for the rest of their life. Every day the sun comes up and they have to compartmentalize the affair.

Here is another problem, reoccurrence.
If we would have asked you at some point beforehand, you would have insisted you would have never done something like this, so pre-meditated, so cruel, so against everything, you are, believe, have taught your children, etc. Yet here you are.

I am sure now as before you would say with equal or even greater conviction, this will never happen again!! But lets say you reconcile, and a few years from now things are good, and the desire and opportunity presents itself, what will you do? Do you believe you will never be tempted again?

Even you must look back on how heartless and cruel you were to him and wounder where that came from?

How can your husband know?

You have been humbled by the consequence of your loss. Humility brings a certain grace to our souls to be honest and sorrowful for what we have done. It is a type of integrity but it has its origin externally to us, who can know if you have truly internalized the integrity? Absent the external impetus what is your lowest common denominator? Who can say?

If I were your husband I would want to know. Maybe you have a weakness, what permanent precautions are you committed to take?
How can you show, now in real life a change in character?

There are more, but can you think of anything specific to your husband or anything he has said?

The previously asked questions; How did you come to know the Om? Are you still in contact with him? Are important to your situation, it would be helpful if you could answer them.

We don't always see the aftermath here, usually its the betrayed partners life that comes into view, especially after the divorce. I can see this is very hard for you.

I really do wish you well, take care.

 

[bandit.45]

Gaslighting (making someone think they are crazy or irrational for something that they have every right in the world to be concerned about) to me is an ultimate betrayal that, in my opinion, is equal to the adultery itself.

As a husband, I task myself to protect my wife emotionally, physically and mentally. I expect my wife to do the same. When a person gaslights his/her spouse, to me that is a direct mental and emotional assault on a person.

Remember our beloved member Ing? His WW and her OM were gaslighting the OMW for months on end and literally had the poor woman going psychotic with their lies and manipulation. Ing tried to help but the OMW wasn't listening. It was tragic. And evil.

 

[michzz]

Gaslighting (making someone think they are crazy or irrational for something that they have every right in the world to be concerned about) to me is an ultimate betrayal that, in my opinion, is equal to the adultery itself.

As a husband, I task myself to protect my wife emotionally, physically and mentally. I expect my wife to do the same. When a person gaslights his/her spouse, to me that is a direct mental and emotional assault on a person.

Remember our beloved member Ing? His WW and her OM were gaslighting the OMW for months on end and literally had the poor woman going psychotic with their lies and manipulation. Ing tried to help but the OMW wasn't listening. It was tragic. And evil.

I agree with you, about the impact of gaslighting.

My ex-wife used gaslighting techniques so much that i finally got to the point that I questioned everything that came out of her mouth. I often wondered if there was actually air in the room if I saw her breathing. Why? Because if she looked like she were breathing, then there could not be air. Everything else out of her mouth was deceitful, so why not air?

 

[Truthseeker1]

Gaslighting (making someone think they are crazy or irrational for something that they have every right in the world to be concerned about) to me is an ultimate betrayal that, in my opinion, is equal to the adultery itself.

As a husband, I task myself to protect my wife emotionally, physically and mentally. I expect my wife to do the same. When a person gaslights his/her spouse, to me that is a direct mental and emotional assault on a person.

Remember our beloved member Ing? His WW and her OM were gaslighting the OMW for months on end and literally had the poor woman going psychotic with their lies and manipulation. Ing tried to help but the OMW wasn't listening. It was tragic. And evil.

Great points - its the covering up, lying, blame shifting that further destroys whatever is left of the marriage...I think it is very rare for couples even those in R where a WS takes full responsibility and gets it - many never ever do...if you blame your spouse AT ALL for your affair you are not remorseful IMO...just lucky your spouse ate their sh!t sandwich and stayed...The OP does not seem to be doing that at all...thankfully

 

[SoulStorm]

I think I read your husband's side of the story. You turned the whole situation around on him. You convinced him he was crazy. You even made him go see a therapist. You even had your daughters fooled and told them you weren't doing anything and their father needed help. Once he finally had proof that you were indeed physically cheating, you made him go to three marriage counseling sessions before you gave him the passwords to your laptop and phone. He did go and after you gave him the passwords plus the burner phone, he found out how badly the OM would berate him. I think he even caught you two at a restaurant and the OM was playing footsie with you under the table while your trusting hubby sat there and was happy that you were meeting an old childhood friend. He did put you on a pedestal. He said you were his world and it all collapsed once he found out what you were really doing. He had to rebuild his relationship with his daughters because you had them believing he was accusing you and you said you were doing nothing. Now they tolerate you. It was very cruel how you did him. He would have a hard time believing that you would change after such behavior. I really hope you do change if this was you. I believe you can. I think your husband will always love you, but trust will be a whole different issue.

 

[Truthseeker1]

I think I read your husband's side of the story. You turned the whole situation around on him. You convinced him he was crazy. You even made him go see a therapist. You even had your daughters fooled and told them you weren't doing anything and their father needed help. Once he finally had proof that you were indeed physically cheating, you made him go to three marriage counseling sessions before you gave him the passwords to your laptop and phone. He did go and after you gave him the passwords plus the burner phone, he found out how badly the OM would berate him. I think he even caught you two at a restaurant and the OM was playing footsie with you under the table while your trusting hubby sat there and was happy that you were meeting an old childhood friend. He did put you on a pedestal. He said you were his world and it all collapsed once he found out what you were really doing. He had to rebuild his relationship with his daughters because you had them believing he was accusing you and you said you were doing nothing. Now they tolerate you. It was very cruel how you did him. He would have a hard time believing that you would change after such behavior. I really hope you do change if this was you. I believe you can. I think your husband will always love you, but trust will be a whole different issue.

Wow can you send me that thread?