[EllisRedding]

Some people are just unable/unwilling to look past a cheater (tbh I would be one of those people). After reading your post I would like to think the way you describe your H is how my W would describe me. If my W ever cheated I would react the same way as your H, no matter how strong my feelings are for her I would lose all respect for her and simply move on with my life with no chance of reconciliation. It sounds like your H has already done that, and I don't believe you will ever really be able to move on with your life if you hope that one day he will come back to you. Now is the time to work on yourself and most importantly, try to fix the damage you have done to the relationship with your children.

 

[farsidejunky]

You should post this over in SIM.

Why?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

 

[jld]

Why?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

It might offer some understanding to others going through the same thing.

 

[Wishes]

Wow. Just wow. It is great that you have accepted responsbility for your actions. After a year apart i would say chances are minimal that he will take you back. Obviously despite his unconditional love for you his line in the sand was a Physical Affair.

Your "Wow. Just wow," send shivers down my spine, but I get it. I do. Pretty bad, huh? His line in the sand, as he explained it was, three strikes, you're out. First he registered his concern with my preoccupation with texting; then he discovered the disgusting texts and pictures exchanged between myself and OM, and third strike is when he assumed it was a PA.
I appreciate your support.

Sounds like he's moved on.
You should probably do the same.
Posted via Mobile Device

He has moved on but I cannot do the same. There is no place for me to go.

So what was it about the POS you craved so much
sex different..better..kinkier
Just compliments
The thrill of deceit

The Power was intoxicating and the ego trip.

Your cheating was not out of character.
Your actions define you.

Books have been written on that subject. Is my character defined by the 46 years I lived before my affair, the 9 months of my affair or the year that has passed since the affair? I am not necessarily making a statement, I am asking a question?

 

[Truthseeker1]

Your "Wow. Just wow," send shivers down my spine, but I get it. I do. Pretty bad, huh? His line in the sand, as he explained it was, three strikes, you're out. First he registered his concern with my preoccupation with texting; then he discovered the disgusting texts and pictures exchanged between myself and OM, and third strike is when he assumed it was a PA.
I appreciate your support.


He has moved on but I cannot do the same. There is no place for me to go.


The Power was intoxicating and the ego trip.


Books have been written on that subject. Is my character defined by the 46 years I lived before my affair, the 9 months of my affair or the year that has passed since the affair? I am not necessarily making a statement, I am asking a question?

@Wishes - there is where your work lies - to figure out why now? why would you engage in such devastating behavior? perhaps this is a side of you that was doormant for decades and then popped out - perhpas not but only you can figure that out...

 

[MattMatt]

It was not the cheating that made him realise that there could be no reconciliation.

It was the fact that you deliberately tore him down, smashed his psyche and convinced him that he was mentally ill.

In fact your games DID make your husband mentally ill to some extent.

You relied on your husband's love for you to enable him to forgive you.

And you know something? Had you not tore him down and broke his manhood and his sense of self, he may well have forgiven you.

You have apologised for cheating on him

Have you apologised for tearing him down? If not, do so.

You never know that just might help.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Wishes]

Did the affair ever go physical? If so for how long?

The highlighted portion tells me he has not closed the door but he has not left it wide open either. The only thing you can do now is work on you- become a better you. I'm not going to lie for some BSs it is simply a deal break and even if you do R it will take YEARS to recover somewhat form this.

Aside form therapy are you doing any reading about affairs? How are oyu dealing with your kids?

Yes, the affair did go physical for about two months. I would have to read the text messages to know exactly but probably about two months and I absolutely have no desire to read over the sick, sick, sick text messages exchanged between myself and OM.

The part that you highlighted is the place my life is hanging right now. I have not been able to pressure him for reconciliation because that is a subject he will not discuss with me. He has never discussed it. In the beginning his anger was such that he did not trust himself to speak to me at all. Several months later we did discuss in detail everything that I had done.

She also mentioned that she has no idea why she did it, what allowed her to do it, how to fix it, etc. And I'll bet that her ex is aware of this.

My guess is that he fed her a line about not knowing what the future holds to grease the wheels on the divorce.

No, I do not know why I did it. All of the rationalizations I used at the time are really sad.
No, he did not need to feed me a line to grease the wheels. I told him from the beginning I would not contest the divorce nor would I seek representation by attorney. When he brought papers for me to sigh, I did not even read. I signed.
It wasn't much but it was the least I could do.

 

[Truthseeker1]

It was not the cheating that made him realise that there could be no reconciliation.

It was the fact that you deliberately tore him down, smashed his psyche and convinced him that he was mentally ill.

In fact your games DID make your husband mentally ill to some extent.

You relied on your husband's love for you to enable him to forgive you.

And you know something? Had you not tore him down and broke his manhood and his sense of self, he may well have forgiven you.

You have apologised for cheating on him

Have you apologised for tearing him down? If not, do so.

You never know that just might help.
Posted via Mobile Device

Excellent points - when a spouse cheats its like pulling the pin on a hand grenade - you don't know what the exact results are going to be but it's not going to be good. By you tearing him down that compounded the damage - the affair is bad enough but combined with sh!tty behavior you must be able to see why he left and never looked back. "R" is not an entitlement - a gift when give which in effect allows the cheater to get away with their affair on some level. Which is why true "R" is rare.

 

[Lostinthought61]

I hope you stay around TAM, for several reasons, first to help others grasp the other side of the coin, you can provide a perspective to BS who are trying to understand what is going on in their spouses head.... providing a refer of reference that they themselves can not see. additionally you might find it cathartic, in dealing with your own issues and hopes. an opportunity to further express the various paths that brought you here, much in the same way that brings us all here, and help in taking us to our next version of ourselves.

 

[Wishes]

Well I'd guess the marriage wasn't as perfect as you describe and you've romanticized it in your desire to get him back.

It's imperative you understand why it happened and why made the choices you did.

When I say the marriage wasn't perfect I'm not suggesting your hb wasn't an impeccable hb, I'm sure he was. I'm saying that it's highly unlikely in 25 years you guys didn't have normal issues like everyone else.

This is a problem. My marriage was almost perfect. My husband? Well, I would have to think hard and long to come up with a flaw. He is the product of very good parenting, a very gently nature and forgiving spirit. I am the one who brought baggage into the relationship and he never really seemed to notice.

I will finish this later today. Have to leave for work now.
And by the way, another result of my adultery...work.
I was a sahm; not anymore.

 

[philreag]

Something positive....You write well.

 

[Marc878]

I'm assuming there are children involved. Is there much contact now other than over the children?

Did you explain/apologize for manipulating, tearing him down during the affair?

I'm assuming this was to hide the affair and/or to justify it? Perhaps both?

 

[GusPolinski]

@Wishes, you mentioned that your ex caught you in the affair... did he actually catch you in the act w/ OM?

Was/is OM married? If so, was the affair exposed to his spouse?
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Marc878]

There are no excuses for this behavior but it sounds like your husband may have been to nice causing you to lose respect or at least take advantage of him. Even so this was 100% on you.

The other thing is a MLC gave you the added excuse to go over the edge. I'm not convinced on this theory but it seems plausible.

Again a lot of people have bad childhoods, go through MLC's and don't cheat. Was this behavior or thought of this behavior always there?

 

[Truthseeker1]

This is a problem. My marriage was almost perfect. My husband? Well, I would have to think hard and long to come up with a flaw. He is the product of very good parenting, a very gently nature and forgiving spirit. I am the one who brought baggage into the relationship and he never really seemed to notice.

I will finish this later today. Have to leave for work now.
And by the way, another result of my adultery...work.
I was a sahm; not anymore.

Perhaps your husband was too trusting and too naive about your baggage? That is a problem being too trusting or naive about what other people are capable of will bite you in the end.

 

[jorgegene]

wow. 25 years down the drain.

this is really sad for both of you.

you sound sincere and devastated (as you should be).

time will only tell, but hopefully you will both heal and find some degree of serenity and happiness again.

 

[bfree]

@Wishes - there is where your work lies - to figure out why now? why would you engage in such devastating behavior? perhaps this is a side of you that was doormant for decades and then popped out - perhpas not but only you can figure that out...

Agreed.

Wishes, what is your husband's last memories of you? Is it the faithful good wife and mother he saw for decades? Or is it a deceitful adulteress who cruelly gaslighted him and tore him down? Which woman do you think he sees when he looks at you in his mind's eye. You ask who you are. I'm sure he wonders the same. And if neither of you know who you are then why should he ever trust you in a relationship again?

 

[michzz]

Your "Wow. Just wow," send shivers down my spine, but I get it. I do. Pretty bad, huh? His line in the sand, as he explained it was, three strikes, you're out. First he registered his concern with my preoccupation with texting; then he discovered the disgusting texts and pictures exchanged between myself and OM, and third strike is when he assumed it was a PA.
I appreciate your support.


He has moved on but I cannot do the same. There is no place for me to go.


The Power was intoxicating and the ego trip.


Books have been written on that subject. Is my character defined by the 46 years I lived before my affair, the 9 months of my affair or the year that has passed since the affair? I am not necessarily making a statement, I am asking a question?

Your character incorporates all of your behavior. You can't excise a piece of it because your true nature was found out.

What you can do is dilute the impact of that part of you that is willing to behave badly, by never doing that again.

Will doing so bring back your ex-husband? Probably not.

But that is not the point, it's not goal-oriented with a reward.

Other than, of course, personal integrity.

Going back to your original posting, it is confusing to me to see that you say that you do not know why you betrayed your husband, a man you describe as a really great husband.

I believe that you know why but do not want to claim the reasons as your own.

You will not progress until you own those reasons and can admit to them.

 

[Jeffery]

Hello and wellcome. .

You briefly mentioned your children. How many and how old are they? What do they know as to why you are divorced? How do they treat you ? Who do they live with?
Also what makes you think your exh has moved on?

 

[ThePheonix]

This is a problem. My marriage was almost perfect. My husband? Well, I would have to think hard and long to come up with a flaw. He is the product of very good parenting, a very gently nature and forgiving spirit.

The problem is you lost interest in him because he was not a challenge. You had him lock, stock, and barrel and because of that he lost that certain mystique. You are now chomping at the bits because he's now a challenge. As the saying goes, "people tend to want what the don't have".
I keep warning these guys about not remaining a challenge, even after married a number of years. I'm likely one of the most senior members here and I, like your husband said to you, will love my wife forever. But I, like your husband, knows that when forever is over, we're gone. Maybe he'll drift back to you someday, but its not likely melady.