[TDSC60]

Update:

Well, make it to Anchorage after several days and around 1300 miles. Before I get to my wife, anyone who ever have wanted to travel in Alaska, I highly recommend it. Beautiful scenery and plenty of wildlife. The Dalton Highway is one of two roads in North America that crosses the Arctic Circle. It is the one used in the T.V. show "Ice Road Truckers" and when dry and the road turns to dirt, the dust from the truckers is so bad that you have to stop and let the dust settle. When wet, the chemical calcium chloride is sprayed to keep the dust down makes the road very slippery, kind of like riding on chicken fat. On of my buddies fell because of this and dislocated his shoulder blade and broke 2 ribs (according to the Anchorage doctor). We put his shoulder into place (thanks Rugby), taped his ribs, gave him a shot of Jack Danial's and off we went. This trip and these guys have been my life line to reality over the weeks and if it wasn't for them, I don't know where I would be. Never underestimate power of friendship.

Anyway, back to my cheating wife. Let me start where I noticed her changing in our relationship. We have been married under 10 years with no kids. We talked about kids and were excited about the future idea of children, but she wanted to wait till her education was completed and she had time at work to take advantage of the hospitals pre and post natal care benefits. Anyway, after some time working, she signed up for the hospitals soccer team. They are a intramural team which plays in the city's league. I always thought it was for singles to meet but it appears that married people are involved to meet singles or other married men. My wife met this neighbor during one of their after game booze parties. I use to go to all her games when I could, but now she just says she will be late and not tell me she has a game, so I never know when they play. Her schedule is sent out via email which I am not privy to. Anyway, she started to get real moody and confrontational any time I talked to her. She says I am never home, by the way, she has always been gone over 10 hours a day from the commute and work. She has done this from day one of her job. I never had any suspicion to think anything was up. She also started to be attached to her phone all day and night, short conversations when someone calls her, texts all night long, saying she is working more overtime hours while her paychecks remain the same (strange right!). She is staying over at her girlfriends house every Friday night. Says she goes out after work and crashes at the GF's house. In the beginning I checked up on this and found that she was indeed at her house after a night of drinking. So all is good, I thought.

She crawled in one Saturday morning all zombie looking and states the "Sorry, love you lots but not in love" bull****. OK, fine. Like I said, I have seen this attitude and non verbal cues before, so I thought she was doing something again. So a little bit about me. I currently work in law enforcement and am assigned to a violent offender task force in my city. I have been on this assignment for most of my career. It does have a lot of non scheduled work hours, but I have always communicated with my wife on how she feels about this work schedule and she has always stated that she was excited for me and had no issues.

I found out about the affair really by dumb luck. My work car died one day so I took my wife's POV to a conference I had to attend. Well, I forgot my briefcase in the car when my wife took it to work and a conversation she had between herself and someone else about meeting for dinner at the usual time and what she will not be wearing under her dress was recorded on my work voice activated recorder located in my bag. I was at my desk and wanted to review my notes from the conference I recorded and I heard her conversation. Well, it didn't really surprise me but it was totally annihilating. I had my partner listen to the tape and all he said was "get a lawyer now".

She is a serial cheater. Get the divorce started. "The usual time" means she has a standing dinner date with another. And mention of what she will not be wearing is an invitation. But you know all this.

I also told several of my good friends regarding my wife's affair and one mentioned the Alaska motorcycle trip they were taking in a week and said that I was going with them, no questions, no complaining. So this is how I am now riding in the rain and mud up in Alaska with three of the best people i know.

I told my wife I was leaving on this trip (I have lots of Annual and Medical leave I need to burn so no time issues for me) and if she needs to get a hold of me to call my best friend Jerry. Jerry is also one of the best young attorneys in my city. My wife does not know this yet, because I am going to get my ducks in a row before dropping the Divorce bomb on her.
I have only had to stop a scream at the pain only 4 to 5 times per day. I really helps me clear me head and now my buddies scream with me. I guess everyone has a scream in them now and then.

So now I am on the final leg of the trip and facing the unknown at home. I don't know where to start so any ideas would be a great help. I know of No Contact, which I am doing now, but I am not home and I don't know how I am going to handle it. The trip kept my mind focused but it is starting to unravel into constant thinking about my marriage, how I truly love my wife, but I cannot condone her behavior and I can't live with the thought of her.

Nostalgia. Thinking about what you thought were good times is common. The only problem is that is what you thought at the time before you found out she was cheating. Your marriage was not what you thought it was. Also you love the wife you thought you had and the marriage you thought you had. It was all a lie. She is not really that woman. She is someone else entirely. She has now shown you who and what she really is. Can you love a woman who chases after other men?

I will talk to my friend/attorney when I get home and take the leash off and file ASAP. What will she try to do or say to change my mind about the divorce if she wants to reconcile or what do I do if she wants to cut bait and end it all? This is what is consuming my thoughts now. What a sh** show and I am the main attraction, yea for me.

She will deny all at first. Do not be tempted to show her evidence. Just say "I know what you have been doing". As for reconciling - given her history can you ever trust her again? Will you life be better without the constant worry about what your wife is doing when you are not around? Who makes more money? Lots of cheaters go for false R because they do not want to give up the money their husband beings in.

 

[Decorum]

.

 

[alte Dame]

You ask for advice for what to do if.....she wants reconciliation, she just wants to split, she wants....

You should decide for yourself that you won't be married to someone like this and then just see it through.

It's your life to live, not hers. It doesn't matter how she reacts. Be decisive and strong and things will take care of themselves. A year from now you will be on your annual Primal Scream ride and she will be far in the distance in your rearview mirror.

 

[Robert22205]

You're on a roller coaster and can't ride this alone. Lean on us to cry or just vent.
You are not the first to walk this path nor are you alone.

How are you doing?

 

[VFW]

I agree with you on Alaska, I lived there for 2 years back in the 80's, just north of Delta Junction. You are taking a good course, get your thoughts in order, consult with an attorney and then file. Having a plan is key to staying ahead of the game. Don't feel that you have to prove your evidence to her, as she will deny anyway. Keep this information for court if it is pertinent and just move on with life. She is a serial cheater and not worth another minute of your time.

 

[Stormguy2018]

Bellyscratch

You have this right.

1.Separate finances immediately. Include getting new credit cards and dump the old ones.

2. File now. Have her served at work. If she ever comes around, you can slow or stop the process.

3. Have STD test done today. You don't know where his **** has been. https://wgno.com/2019/06/06/one-million-stds-diagnosed-every-day-world-health-organization-finds/

4. 180 technique religiously. https://affaircare.com/the-180/

5. No sex with her if you are sure about the divorce. Judge will take it as forgiveness.

6. Expose to her and your friends & family. Out her for what she is.

7. Give the butcher one star reviews if he has a website.

8. Get her to move out if you can.

9. Ask her if she is out of clean lingerie when showing her the post about what she had on under the dress.>

All this. Whatever you do, do not stay with her. She's proven she can't keep her panties on.

This guy is having sex with a LE officers wife? He really is a Meathead.

 

[TDSC60]

How's it going BS?

Back home yet?

Any updates?

 

[Bellyscratch]

Update:

To all who replied while I was out of communication, I just want to say thank you so much. I have read all comments and truly appreciate the help afforded by board members. I have not had any communication with my wife so it will be interesting how this will all play out.

So on to the update. After 5200 miles on a motorcycle I am safely in my hometown at my friends house. My wife thinks I will be home in a couple of days so I am getting ready for possible war with the confrontation, denial, trickle truth, crying, et. all. I am getting this from reading all the other unfortunate posters on here that have opened up to complete strangers to help with the most darkest times in your life. Or she might say "it is all over and you need to leave". It is the spectrum of what could and can happen that is driving me nuts.

I have not been able to do any investigation regarding if the affair is still active or completely done. The closer my ride got to my home town the higher my anxiety level grew to a point that I was getting physically sick and showing signs of depression. The real reason my friends basically kidnapped me for this ride is because they have been through it themselves, some of them numerous times. So this ride was not only fun, but also therapeutic. Unfortunately, what I was getting from them was how bitter they still were even after numerous years since their divorce. They always talked me out of calling her and telling her that I know she is still seeing the meat dude. They were good listeners but not so much the Dear Abby I needed. So that is why I am continuing on this site. I need people who can see the big picture. I picked up on her diversion sooner than the first one, but this is the last straw, I am done.

So my best friend is also my attorney. He was voted last year as one of the top attorneys in the West Coast. He is also a divorce attorney, and he is mine. He read over the texts and said they were pretty damning, but I need more information. This were I am extremely lucky. The team I work with conduct investigations, surveillance, interviews and arrests. On my last day before my trip, we were all having lunch and I told them everything. We have worked years together and they will die for me and I will die for them. They are closer than my family. After, they all said that they would love to help catcher her in the act. I only agreed if they did it on their personal time and didn't use agency resources. No problem. So today they all came over to my friend's house and we went over what they did. I have to say, if these guys were hunting my down for doing something illegal, I would be scared to death.
After several days of surveillance they did indeed catch her cheating on me. Apparently, my wife and "meat" would meet every Thursday night at a Italian restaurant in another close by town and have "date night". Something we used to do all the time, but stopped several months ago when she lost interest. Not only did they have pictures and video but audio as well. I have to say, I never have so humiliated, sad and despondent until I saw and heard what they said. They were talking about their future, children, houses all the while just bashing the He!! out of me. Why would a person who you thought loved you can say such hurtful things about you. I felt like I was having an out of body experience looking at my best friends faces as if they were in a kaleidoscope. It was frighting, and I never really get frightened.

So this is where I am now. I have texts, pictures and video with audio. My attorney now says "now we're working with oil". I don't know what this means, he may be smart but he really is a dweeb. So I think that I will go home and act like everything is good to try to get a reading on her. I don't know how long this will last but I don't know a good starting point to all this, if you know what I mean.

Some things in my favor:

1. house is mine and was mine before the marriage.
2. a vested interest in a uniform store that now has several locations
3. strong friend and family base
4. a good job that pays pretty well


Things not in my favor:

1. a cheating, vindictive, soulless bones from the Master wife.

Anyway, anyone who has been through a successful confrontation without bloodshed or other bodily harm, please, I am seeking guidance.

-E-

 

[syhoybenden]

All you need to know ... check.

Ducks in a row ... not quite, yet. Get everything sorted out as to how you want it to go down.

Boom to be lowered .... exactly how hard do you want it to come down, on whom, and where.

You got this. Godspeed.

 

[OutofRetirement]

Nobody initially posts here how to get divorced. To divorce, all you do is follow your lawyer's advice.

People post here to save their marriage. Once in a while they are in a roller coaster like you, wanting divorce one day and wanting the cheater to come crawling back apologizing the next.

So divorce is easy, just follow your friend Jerry's advice. If you can move out or get her to move out, it's easier physically and emotionally. Let the affair continue, because your wife will be focused on her pre-owned lover and her extramarital bliss and she'll let the divorce go smoother. Don't poke the bear. You can give her verbal jabs after the divorce is final.

If you divorce, you'll have to tell her why. The "you love me but not in-love with me" is good enough, you can tell her you now feel the same, best to end this mess so we can get on with our lives and find someone else we'll both be in love with. If she wants to suddenly fight for the marriage, you can let her (I assume that is why you are on this site - the part of you that hopes she does this.) If you want her, or you're just not sure but want to give it a wait-and-see, then let her earn it. Tell her for you to even think about staying with her, she'd have to change a lot of stuff, for one thing the truth. Tell her you know she's been cheating and she'd like to tell you the truth. You'd like her to end the affair. You'd like her to commit to you. And you'd like her to prove her love for you. I have to be honest, no cheater the way you described your wife EVER comes around like that. In an affair like hers, it NEVER happens. She really does believe she is in love with the Meathead, and she really believes his future-faking lies about having kids. So your wife won't commit. If you are separated, it might be tough to know if she still is cheating. Two-three weeks into her claiming to be committed to you, get a private investigator (stop using your friends for this), and you'll get the bad news (really, long-term, probably good news).

A bit about cheating. Of course your wife wants you and wants to stay married to you. She could have left you anytime she wanted. She didn't. Why? Because she wants the Meathead AND she wants you, too. She wants you BOTH. That's why cheaters cheat. They want more than what is allowed in the "rules" of marriage or monogamy. She wants the new-man courting her feelings, and the old stable love who unconditionally loves her feelings. So she will not want to get divorced. Also, she knows the Meathead did not leave his wife, either, and your wife knows damn well he could leave his wife if he wants to. But he doesn't. Isn't love grand? These cheaters are so well matched.

Cheating is a form of wrongdoing. Your wife knows it is wrong, that's why she's not open about it. As a law enforcement officer, think about criminal wrongdoing. Cheating is not criminal, but the wrongdoing part of it is somewhat the same mentally. The way criminals justify, rationalize, minimize their wrongdoing. Same with your wife. She will come around the same way the criminals do. Slowly, if ever.

 

[Stormguy2018]

Update:


Anyway, anyone who has been through a successful confrontation without bloodshed or other bodily harm, please, I am seeking guidance.

-E-

Keep your cool when you confront her. And, seeing as how it's YOUR house, kick her out.

Out her to family, friends, the world.

You're going to go through a roller coaster of emotions. Take care of yourself - eat right, no booze, exercise, sleep.

Thankfully you don't have to do the lawyer search. That's a real plus.

Hang in there.

 

[ButtPunch]

No confrontation necessary

Surprise her with the divorce summons

She already knows why

No explanation needed

 

[SunCMars]

You ask for advice for what to do if.....she wants reconciliation, she just wants to split, she wants....

You should decide for yourself that you won't be married to someone like this and then just see it through.

It's your life to live, not hers. It doesn't matter how she reacts. Be decisive and strong and things will take care of themselves. A year from now you will be on your annual Primal Scream ride and she will be far in the distance in your rearview mirror.

And after the divorce the Primal Scream will be one of Joy!





[THM]- Lilith McGarvey

 

[TDSC60]

No need for a great confrontation. Just follow your attorney's advise. He will know what you can and cannot do legally - such as ask her to leave the house or change the locks.

Open a bank account in your name only. If you have direct deposit of your pay, switch it to that account.

When attorney says GO - take 50% of any joint back accounts and put into your new account.

Remove her as beneficiary on any insurance policies.

Remove her from any investment accounts.

Change your will.

Do not tell her about any of the surveillance done by your buddies. And do not show her what you have.

Stay away from alcohol.

See your doctor for an STD check and for something to calm your nerves and depression.

Your wife is a serial cheater who never considered herself married. I have never heard of a serial cheater who has made a successful change and became a faithful wife.

Keep that VAR on yourself anytime she is near. False DV charges are common.

Consider having her served Divorce papers while she is on her regular Thursday night date with Meathead. Failing that have her served at work.

 

[Robert22205]

It sounds like your suffering from PTSD. Have you talked to your doctor about help sleeping and dealing with the anger/anxiety?

Thank you for your update. Your future updates, strategy and lessons learned contributes to the collective wisdom of this website - and will help the next victim of infidelity.

I'm sorry you're in this mess. You don't deserve this. You are 50% responsible for marriage issues - but she is 100% responsible for her decision to cheat.
Everyone has issues and there are many coping mechanisms available to satisfy her needs - but she chose to cheat.

She is not the girl you married. Somehow/somewhere she changed and you must protect yourself.
She has mentally rewritten her marriage and vilified you in order to blame you for her cheating (and to justify hurting you and blowing up your life).

None of their trash talk about you is based on fact. The OM does not know you and simply mirrors whatever she needs to hear in order to keep the affair going.

IMO it's likely that you have about 30 days where she will be dreaming of life with the OM. During that time, she'll be very receptive to getting her own place and speeding up the divorce process. Ask your attorney to prepare a settlement agreement for her to sign (in advance of a final divorce decree).

Why? Because it's highly probable that the OM will not want to marry her. When the affair ends and she realizes the OM has dumped her and she's alone - she'll fight like hell to reconcile with you (at first begging & crying saying she's sorry - and then legally to delay hoping you'll change your mind - and then if that fails she'll extract as much as possible from you financially). Not out of love but out of self survival.

 

[Robert22205]

Reread Bandit.45's post on the 180. It's intended to help you recover from this trauma.

You are not alone.

 

[3Xnocharm]

So this is where I am now. I have texts, pictures and video with audio. My attorney now says "now we're working with oil". I don't know what this means, he may be smart but he really is a dweeb. So I think that I will go home and act like everything is good to try to get a reading on her. I don't know how long this will last but I don't know a good starting point to all this, if you know what I mean.

Some things in my favor:

1. house is mine and was mine before the marriage.
2. a vested interest in a uniform store that now has several locations
3. strong friend and family base
4. a good job that pays pretty well


Things not in my favor:

1. a cheating, vindictive, soulless bones from the Master wife.

Anyway, anyone who has been through a successful confrontation without bloodshed or other bodily harm, please, I am seeking guidance.

-E-

I guess it depends on what it is you want. Do you want to out her and let her know you know everything she has been up to? Personally, this would be MY angle. If so, then get all your financials squared, (new bank account, direct deposit, split the savings, etc..), file for divorce with your lawyer friend, then drop a few pictures of her and Meathead on the table in front of her. Calm and cool as a cucumber. Then let her know she needs to get out of your house.

 

[Decorum]

.

 

[ABHale]

Don't say a word.

Have her served with divorce papers at the Italian restaurant on a Thursday night.

Nuff said!

Yes this!!!!!

 

[the guy]

In my case...I just showed my old lady the evidence and asked "do you love him" and the conversation began. It was calm and collective and we just talked honestly.


In a case like yours....you already know the answer and you already know the out come here. I suggest you just have her served. I would even talk to her about her A until she gets served.

Then you can have it out if you want. I mean what else do you and her have to talk about?
I mean do you think she really cares?

Not until the OM bails on her will she even think twice in what she had.

From were I'm sitting, you are doing her a favor so just get out with the least amount of bull crap that you will have to listen to.

At some point she will ask you why you are D her and then you can just say nothing and let her wonder for the rest of her life. At some point the A will have to come out put until then.....way even deal with the POSWW.