[Bibi1031]

sex-a-thon with meathead eh.

Dump her like yesterday's garbage. Before dumping expose as far and wide as your screams can muster. She deserves no less.

 

[Bellyscratch]

Update:

Well, make it to Anchorage after several days and around 1300 miles. Before I get to my wife, anyone who ever have wanted to travel in Alaska, I highly recommend it. Beautiful scenery and plenty of wildlife. The Dalton Highway is one of two roads in North America that crosses the Arctic Circle. It is the one used in the T.V. show "Ice Road Truckers" and when dry and the road turns to dirt, the dust from the truckers is so bad that you have to stop and let the dust settle. When wet, the chemical calcium chloride is sprayed to keep the dust down makes the road very slippery, kind of like riding on chicken fat. On of my buddies fell because of this and dislocated his shoulder blade and broke 2 ribs (according to the Anchorage doctor). We put his shoulder into place (thanks Rugby), taped his ribs, gave him a shot of Jack Danial's and off we went. This trip and these guys have been my life line to reality over the weeks and if it wasn't for them, I don't know where I would be. Never underestimate power of friendship.

Anyway, back to my cheating wife. Let me start where I noticed her changing in our relationship. We have been married under 10 years with no kids. We talked about kids and were excited about the future idea of children, but she wanted to wait till her education was completed and she had time at work to take advantage of the hospitals pre and post natal care benefits. Anyway, after some time working, she signed up for the hospitals soccer team. They are a intramural team which plays in the city's league. I always thought it was for singles to meet but it appears that married people are involved to meet singles or other married men. My wife met this neighbor during one of their after game booze parties. I use to go to all her games when I could, but now she just says she will be late and not tell me she has a game, so I never know when they play. Her schedule is sent out via email which I am not privy to. Anyway, she started to get real moody and confrontational any time I talked to her. She says I am never home, by the way, she has always been gone over 10 hours a day from the commute and work. She has done this from day one of her job. I never had any suspicion to think anything was up. She also started to be attached to her phone all day and night, short conversations when someone calls her, texts all night long, saying she is working more overtime hours while her paychecks remain the same (strange right!). She is staying over at her girlfriends house every Friday night. Says she goes out after work and crashes at the GF's house. In the beginning I checked up on this and found that she was indeed at her house after a night of drinking. So all is good, I thought.

She crawled in one Saturday morning all zombie looking and states the "Sorry, love you lots but not in love" bull****. OK, fine. Like I said, I have seen this attitude and non verbal cues before, so I thought she was doing something again. So a little bit about me. I currently work in law enforcement and am assigned to a violent offender task force in my city. I have been on this assignment for most of my career. It does have a lot of non scheduled work hours, but I have always communicated with my wife on how she feels about this work schedule and she has always stated that she was excited for me and had no issues.

I found out about the affair really by dumb luck. My work car died one day so I took my wife's POV to a conference I had to attend. Well, I forgot my briefcase in the car when my wife took it to work and a conversation she had between herself and someone else about meeting for dinner at the usual time and what she will not be wearing under her dress was recorded on my work voice activated recorder located in my bag. I was at my desk and wanted to review my notes from the conference I recorded and I heard her conversation. Well, it didn't really surprise me but it was totally annihilating. I had my partner listen to the tape and all he said was "get a lawyer now".

I also told several of my good friends regarding my wife's affair and one mentioned the Alaska motorcycle trip they were taking in a week and said that I was going with them, no questions, no complaining. So this is how I am now riding in the rain and mud up in Alaska with three of the best people i know.

I told my wife I was leaving on this trip (I have lots of Annual and Medical leave I need to burn so no time issues for me) and if she needs to get a hold of me to call my best friend Jerry. Jerry is also one of the best young attorneys in my city. My wife does not know this yet, because I am going to get my ducks in a row before dropping the Divorce bomb on her.
I have only had to stop a scream at the pain only 4 to 5 times per day. I really helps me clear me head and now my buddies scream with me. I guess everyone has a scream in them now and then.

So now I am on the final leg of the trip and facing the unknown at home. I don't know where to start so any ideas would be a great help. I know of No Contact, which I am doing now, but I am not home and I don't know how I am going to handle it. The trip kept my mind focused but it is starting to unravel into constant thinking about my marriage, how I truly love my wife, but I cannot condone her behavior and I can't live with the thought of her.

I will talk to my friend/attorney when I get home and take the leash off and file ASAP. What will she try to do or say to change my mind about the divorce if she wants to reconcile or what do I do if she wants to cut bait and end it all? This is what is consuming my thoughts now. What a sh** show and I am the main attraction, yea for me.

 

[Bellyscratch]

Just a quick note, I am reading all your responses and I will respond as soon as I get off this bike and in a real home.:smile2:

 

[Marc878]

It's a sexual affair so get out of your denial. This is her second rodeo. This will play over and over again.

File and free yourself. If not you'll get it again.

 

[Robert22205]

Ouch ... you are not the first person to walk this path. As dark as it seems it will get better (much better after you exit infidelity).
You are not alone.

You can't control her or the outcome. However, the most effective response is the same whether you ultimately choose to D or R. Zero tolerance for cheating and strong decisive action provides you with the highest probability of regaining control over/saving your marriage. Her pulling away from you is a sign that she's in limerence (google it) over this guy. Under the circumstances, being a better husband, crying or begging won't work. Instead it's viewed as weakness and a free pass to continue the affair.

It sounds like you're an attorney and per your training you're developing a rational plan (that's good). Although you sound like you're handling it well (nobody does). You're experiencing an emotional and physical trauma that will put you on a emotional roller coaster ride for a long long time. Time heals but in the interim you need to reach out for emotional support and guidance (friends, family, and IC).

See a doctor immediately, they can help you with sleeping and controlling anger/anxiety (and get tested for STDs).

DO NOT prematurely reveal that you know about the affair. Remaining silent and calm at this stage is very difficult (see a doctor). Developing a 'plan' will give you a sense of control and reduce (but not eliminate) anxiety.

When you and your attorney are ready, consider serving divorce papers at work on a Thursday (and you go dark and disappear for a 3 day weekend). I suggest distancing yourself for a few days to protect yourself from the drama and potential retaliation. When you return home carry a VAR on you to record all conversations (and to protect you from charges of domestic abuse).

Consult with your divorce attorney about simultaneously exposing the affair to friends, family, the OM's wife and the hospital where she works. Yes she and the OM will likely be fired, however health care workers can find another job (and depending on the state, spouse support determined on their earnings capability). Consult with your divorce attorney about the possible additional cost associated with exposure - and weight it against the satisfaction of standing up for yourself. My observation is that most betrayed spouses do not regret exposing the affair.

If you need more graphic/concrete evidence (perhaps for settlement reasons), hire a PI for a day or two to document their affair. Should be easy to follow them after a softball game.

To the extent possible (without tipping your hand), separate your financial accounts and change the beneficiary on your insurance.

Your wife will bad mouth you, blame you for the affair etc. IMO the best defense is to take control of the dialogue by preparing an informal statement in advance that you provide to friends and family when you expose her history of cheating.

 

[Robert22205]

Here's a few things I wish somebody had told me years ago.

1 - While you can accept 50% of the responsibility for marital issues - her decision to cheat is 100% her responsibility. All marriages and people have issues: ranging from being taken for granted/boredom/lack of romance ... sickness, job stress, depression ... and being attracted to someone else - the list is endless.
There are many coping mechanisms but your wife chose to cheat.

2 - Cheaters share similar personality characteristics to enable them to cheat: selfish, entitled, deceitful and lacking in empathy for their spouse. Her decision to cheat had nothing to do with you or her marriage - there was nothing you could do to prevent her affair. First she has to take 100% responsibility for her decision to cheat - and then she has to spend months/years figuring out why she choose to cheat vs other options. Since there are no kids, why not just divorce? There are lots of reasons - perhaps she liked the security of being married to you & the excitement of the OM.

3 - She's known you since high school (like a comfortable old shoe) and therefore you can't compete with the OM. He's not only a fantasy (she doesn't really know him) but his attention makes her feel 'special'. People protect themselves and their marriage from temptation with firm boundaries. She didn't and now she's addicted to getting attention from this POS.

4 - This is not the girl you married. Among other things, cheaters are good at justifying their infidelity and convincing themselves that they are the victim. She's had plenty of time to rewrite your marriage history (and you as husband) negatively in her head.

Don't expect her to confess when confronted with evidence. For example, she'll dismiss the recording as taken out of context or that they were just fantasizing etc. With respect to time alone with the OM, she'll insist there was no sex that they are just good friends and he offered her a shoulder to lean on (and she slept on the couch). Sometimes they refuse to confess because they are desperate to avoid public exposure, loss of their security blanket/marriage - plus they want to stay in contact with the OM (and stay married).

Save all evidence. Never disclose your sources (she'll just learn from it and cheat better the next tiime). Rather than disclose how you know she's cheating, bluff and say someone saw her them together etc.

5 - If you decide to R, it typically takes 2-5 years for you to recover (assuming she actively fixes herself).

6 - Read: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass to help understand how her affair happened.

7- Whether you R or D, (in order for her to fully understand what she did to you) she should read (it's a very short read) : How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda MacDonald.

8 - And you may find this book helpful: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
by Melody Beattie

 

[VladDracul]

sex-a-thon with meathead eh.

Dump her like yesterday's garbage. Before dumping expose as far and wide as your screams can muster. She deserves no less.

I think his options to keep her or ditch her are not there. He can either lead or follow getting out of the marriage but its over for her. She may be willing to temporarily hang around if he simple turns a blind eye to her seeing other guys. As far as exposing, I be happy to simply jettison this loose cargo before she can do even more damage. If our man Bellyscratch is motivated by believing he needs to help her experience her own pain as a consequence of her actions, expose tell the cows come home.

 

[Chaparral]

Since this isn’t her first rodeo, she is a serial cheater. Think mentally broken. Serial cheaters are unfortunately not fixable. Even if she wanted to she will never be a safe partner.

Google serial cheater.

 

[turnera]

The Primal Scream tour is just that. My hobby is adventure riding with a couple of my best motorcycle friends. I am currently in Dawson Creek, Alaska riding to Deadhorse, Alaska and the Artic Ocean. I am eating dinner at the one of the few restaurants with wi-fi and I believe I am overstating my welcome.

How often do you do this hobby each year? For how long are you gone each time?

 

[sa58]

Serial cheater, no kids.

Divorce lawyer and file.

Expose her to your family
and friends.

Move on quickly and don't look back.
She is not worth your time or energy.

Lean on your friends they will be there
for you. She will not, probably never has
been.

 

[blazer prophet]

Serial cheater, no kids.

Divorce lawyer and file.

Expose her to your family
and friends.

Move on quickly and don't look back.
She is not worth your time or energy.

Lean on our friends they will be there
for you. She will not, probably never has
been.

^^This

In this situation, I really see no hope. Sorry to say that, but it's best to put this lady behind you.

 

[SunCMars]

I did that ride to Alaska right out of high school, umpteen years ago. We went up on the Alaskan Highway, through British Columbia.

Four of us went up in a beat up, 1954 Chevy Bel Air sedan. We rolled it twice on the curved top (gravel) portions. The army pulled us out twice.

I don't think there was a straight piece of sheet metal on the car.

We drove the car back to the Midwest and my friend then drove it straight to the junkyard.

After that, I went straight into the Army, soon to Vietnam.
All three of those fellow riders have since ridden into Heaven.





[THM]- THRD

 

[skerzoid]

Bellyscratch

You have this right.

1.Separate finances immediately. Include getting new credit cards and dump the old ones.

2. File now. Have her served at work. If she ever comes around, you can slow or stop the process.

3. Have STD test done today. You don't know where his **** has been. https://wgno.com/2019/06/06/one-million-stds-diagnosed-every-day-world-health-organization-finds/

4. 180 technique religiously. https://affaircare.com/the-180/

5. No sex with her if you are sure about the divorce. Judge will take it as forgiveness.

6. Expose to her and your friends & family. Out her for what she is.

7. Give the butcher one star reviews if he has a website.

8. Get her to move out if you can.

9. Ask her if she is out of clean lingerie when showing her the post about what she had on under the dress.>

 

[MattMatt]

Divorce. But you already know that, don't you?

 

[TDSC60]

You gave her a chance to reconcile and she though it right back in your face.

File and get rid of this anchor and chain ASAP. Then take "Freebird Ride" with your friends.

Oh - BTW - you do not love her. You love the woman you thought she was. She is not that woman and she has shown you that.

 

[Icelander@35]

Bellyscratch, take a look at what Skerzoid posted. You won't get better adive.

 

[3Xnocharm]

Divorce. Dont even try to reconcile. She was a cheater before you ever even married.

 

[bandit.45]

When you get back home, start the divorce process immediately. She has checked out brother. She's gone.

Then start doing the 180 as shown below. The 180 will help you to emotionally distance yourself from her so that her actions and behaviors won't impact you as much.

So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.

 

[VladDracul]

Belly, have you give any thought to simply keep riding and not returning? What's she going to do, bang another guy. At your age you could easily recover any financial losses when you don't have a vampire feeding off your blood.

 

[ABHale]

Thank goodness for great friends!!!!!

The 180. Read it do it.

Talk with your lawyer.

If he says it’s alright, kick your WW out of your bedroom when you get home.

Do not leave the home with your things still there. She mine sell it all or give it away. Have seen it happen.