Welcome to the club, unfortunately there are a lot of us here in the same situation - it might help if you read through some previously posted threads - they have some good, sound advice.

There's a deeper issue here and sex is just the symptom, I've surmised that from my threads on this issue.

If she truly doesn't want to have sex with you anymore and is not willing to get to the bottom of the issue, then you have a decision to make.

Sometimes giving space helps, but for the spouse who wants to avoid the issue, it just gives them more breathing space to stay apart and away from sexual intimacy. It's like they're thinking, great, he/she is not pressuring me and I'm certainly not going to bring it up - whew.

I have also given my husband space, not pressured and it has not resolved the issue, just makes it longer between encounters. We are in MC and are trying to work this and other issues out - success in some, status quo in others.

You need to get the bottom of what the real issue is.

Is it you?

Is she not feeling appreciated/loved in the marriage?

Are there some physical issues for why she wants to avoid sex?

Has she always had a low libido or is this something new?

If it is something new, why?

Did your sex life take a nose dive only after your child was born?

This may be a discussion you need to have with a neutral, third-party present - a MC.

Good luck...if it helps any, there are a lot of us out here that know how you feel.

 

Thank you.

 

Don't know if that helped any, but you're welcome.

You really need to see all the "sexless" type posts here on TAM - this issue has been beaten to death and there are a lot of really good postings that can help.

 

i cant compare my situation as my wife does like sex, just not as often as i do, she is content with 2-3 times a month. if i was in your situation i would be loking to make a move, and that would probably be as in move on. i know its alot easier said than done, but it sounds as if she is pushing you that way. if she knows how important it is to you and just wont address it, than what can you do?

 

Have you discussed marriage counseling? As MWIL said, when you have a neutral third party involved, it make the discussion somewhat easier.

However, you may have to face issues that you bring to the table, whether it be lack of respect, lack of non-sexual intimacy, help around the house, etc...

If you asked the question "If sex isn't important in this marriage, do you mind f I get it elsewhere?", what would she say (not suggesting you ask it, but think of what her response would be).

 

I get from your post that you think that there is something wrong with you for having sexual urges and that your wife is normal for not wanting sex!! I don't know where you got that notion but let me reassure you that it is the other way around. You are the normal one and your wife is the abnormal one.

Please do more reading about yourself as a man and know that sexual urges are a natural part of being human and to want to act on them is quite normal. A normal marital relationship includes regular satisfying sex with the partner. When that does not happen for the reasons you outline, then the union is in trouble.

You are not the trouble, you want a normal marriage. I can't speculate on why your wife does not want sex but she has no cause to make you feel like you are a freak for wanting to have sex with your own wife.

Read and understand male sexuality, I have a feeling you are totally ignorant and there is so much info available. In addition inform your wife that you are normal and you want to have a normal married life with her.

If she cannot manage that, she may accept an open marriage or you can divorce and find someone who is more enlightened. As for your child do you think this is a good model of a marriage? Is it good to see their father in the state you are in now?

Your wanting to turn off you sexual urges to stay with your wife is like a zoo-keeper turning the zoo over to a Mynah bird because it talked him into it. Makes no sense. Try to gather your wits about you, you'er in this sorry state because of lack of intimacy. Read about what happens to men who are denied sex in marriage. You will see that you are reacting normally.

 

Totally in agreement with every word spoken by Catherine602.

You won't be able to stuff your sexual desires & turn them off, it will just come out in another outlet & possibly an unheathly one that will cause resentment to build towards your wife if you stay in this marraige with no change. Your wife needs to understand this. When you & she married, she made a vow to be her husbands sole outlet for sexual pleasure & expression, this is not fair to you, it is downright CRUEL, this is not loving, and this is certainly not OK -what she is asking of you.

 

Been married over 26 years having the same problem over the years. Trust me, it only gets worse. Dump her now before you end up like me.

 

I'm going to be blunt, here (so unlike me, I know). If you had free reign to visit a hooker and get your pipes cleaned, would you be happy? If not, maybe you're missing intimacy and not just sex. If that's the case, that's a language your wife could probably relate to a lot more favorably. There are many ways you could increase intimacy with your wife without her feeling pressured for sex. Once intimacy and trust are reestablished, the natural extension would be that sex would increase as well.
I'm in a similar boat and lots of folks suggest divorce. Even a particularly frisky couple is unlikely to actually spend more than 3 hours a week having intercourse. Doesn't make sense to me to toss out an otherwise decent relationship over 3 hours. There's no guarantee that the next prospective partner would be any more forthcoming with sex. Might even be more reluctant.

 

Feel for you I'm there now. Just had another talk and wrote her a letter outlining twhat we are going to do going forward. Seems like this may be a turning point but I'm not holding my breath. What I did get to agree on was a monthly conversation about what is good and bad from the previous month until we get to the point of mutual happiness. My whole gaol is to keep this at the forefront figring she'll get tired of having he talk each month. Silence didn't work time to try something new!

I think this will bring the topic at the forefront instead of the back burner. What gets measured gets done. I've tried staying silent twice for 6 months a piece. I talked extensively when this first started two years ago. Nothing works our sex life has gone from low to minimal to near zero Something has to give for both our sakes. I've tried my best for two years straight! I've tried all the angles... manning up, wooing her it doesn't matter, backing off.

It's her and the little feelings of resentment for small slights that I wasn't attentive enough and self-centered. I quit drinking as a show of love and have been sober for two years! I wasn't an alcoholic either. I thought it would show her how serious I was.

It's a very stressful from a man's perspective. All outward appearances normal but neither of us reporting happy yet in our marriage... that has to change.

I think is peri-menopause and put the bug in her ear about making a doctor visit and discussing it with her doctor to rule out something medical. We'll se what he next month brings. So far so good I can tell I made an impact.

Wee'll see...good luck!

I report a success story if we make it work. I have better feelings than I have for a while.

 

You and the OP both need a good dose of Athol: Married Man Sex Life

Dude knows his stuff like Einstein. Go take a red pill and wake up.

 

I can sympathize with you!

My stbxw of 20+ years distanced herself from me both physically and emotionally for years. We had numerous talks and promises but our marriage kept going downhill. Over a year ago she suggested I get a GF or visit hookers and I realized she had no interest in being married. As I've posted here I am retired, in good financial shape, hated east coast winters and summers and moved to the west coast and started dating.

Contrary to what some write I found there are a fair number of women who enjoy sex with a caring, giving lover at least in northern California. I met a wonderful woman after 9 months in my new home and we connected to an extent that is unbelievable to both of us. We are in our early 60s with no children at home and have more intimacy - emotional and physical - than many younger folks who have children and jobs.

Our recipe for love - two hours of cooking, eating and talking and a bottle of wine - if the urge strikes leaving the dirty dishes on the table and running to the bedroom. :smthumbup:. If it doesn't put the dishes in the dishwasher, head into the living room for cuddling, reading, music, TV or a movie.

I'll say it again - there is life after marriage and it can be in the marriage or after it. Separation and divorce can be the beginning of a fulfilling life, but so can reconciliation.

 

Would i be wrong if i went out and found someone just for sex? My wife is cheating on me. Not with someone else but by just stopping having sex with me. and this have been going on for years. Yes she is cheating and i'm mad and not going to let this rest. I love my wife she's my whole world but she is wrong and i can not deal with this . I heard it all give her time , you are being Selfish and so on and so on. Bull**** if the shoe was on the other foot the wicked people would be going nutz saying we are cheating and checking our phone and going on talk show. Not me guys If they want to stop and give us a bull crapp line. Fine not me I'm going to find someone that will and NO i;m not taking off my ring if ask i'm just going to say my wife is a Butt.

Wife's response: when you get a clue, we'll talk. Otherwise, if you can't take responsibility for your actions, stop cursing in front of your 4 year old, stop taking out your anger on your 4 year old (not physically, but yelling unnecessarily and generally being a grump) then I won't stop being, what YOU consider to be: a BUTT. Impulsive decisions, purchases, and generally being BROKE, some times , do not a happy marriage make. You are also a BUTT (ALL CAPITAL LETTERS)

 

Leroy,

If you are indeed taking it out on your child (and your wife is not just saying you are to make excuses) then you've gone too far and need to get a grip.

Do a 180 here. Lavish attention on your child and simply cut your wife out of your attention span. First of all, your wife is clearly not happy in a situation where she does not want to have sex with you (for whatever reason) but knows you do. This dynamic (even absent any inappropriate emotional outbursts) is damaging to children - they can sense the tension. Your child needs and deserves all the love and support you can muster, and disconnecting from your wife might be the only way you can muster it.

Secondly, by immersing yourself in your child's life, you will give your wife a chance to see what she's missing out on. Let her stew in her discontentment and build a good life for the rest of your family.

 

I found the answer!

That's right, I've found the answer to this problem. And I found it here on this post. A special thanks goes out to member "unbelievable" for lighting the way.

I am 46 years old and have been married for 23 years. I have been struggling with my wife's lack of sexual interest for many years. We've had numerous discussions on the subject and I'd tried every angle to convince my wife to be more sexually active with me. I am a good provider, loving father, and all around good guy.

I tried so many ways to "fix" the problem, to "fix" her. I tried giving her space. I tried showering her with affection (groping and molestation is more like it). I tried recommending counselors and medical assistance. All the time thinking she was the problem. Making her feel like this was her fault.

I was the problem. It became completely clear to me on Thursday October 18th 2012 when I read this post and the message from member "unbelievable" that there was a break in trust. That was it. Over the years I had coerced my wife into thinking she was the problem for the lack of sex in our marriage. This revelation led to a period of discovery for me that has had my head reeling for over a week. How could I have missed this? How could I have treated her so poorly? Why didn't I pick up on all the signs she was giving me? Sure, now that I know what is going on the problem is obvious. My pattern of behavior caused my wife to put up her defenses. She doesn't trust me any more. She doesn't believe I have her best interest at heart. I am selfish.

As one of the posters said - If you were given permission from your wife to go visit a prostitute to get your pipes cleaned would you be satisfied after the experience? For me the answer is no. Then I realized that I didn't want sex from my wife. That's right - I said it. All these years I had been chasing after sex when I should have been focusing on her needs. My wife needs to feel safe. She needs to be cared for. She needs someone she can believe in and look up to. She needs someone who will be strong and open with her. She needs someone who will treat her with respect and not cast blame or have expectations.

Listen up fellas. Take a long look at yourselves and consider the possibility that you have unconsciously driven a wedge between you and your wife. Do you really want more sex with your wife? Would you really be happy if you could make love to her every day but while doing so she kept her eyes closed and just laid there and let it happen? NO you wouldn't. What you seek is the connection. Establish the connection and the rest will fall into place, including sex. And when you do make love it will mean something to both of you and you both will be satisfied.

It's not too late. Tell your wife you are the problem. Tell her you're sorry. Reevaluate your behavior and your priorities. Be open, honest, and make her feel safe. She has to trust you and believe in you or it simply will never work.

I apologized for using her, objectifying her, and making her feel like it was all her fault. I told her that I was sorry for resenting her for withholding her love and affection. I accepted the blame and have told her that none of this was her fault. She reacted to my behavior appropriately. I caused this. I am the only one that can fix this, fix me.

I spilled my guts about my feelings along with some other unsavory aspects of my behavior that I am not proud of but felt she needed to know. Needless to say it was very difficult to tell her these things. I told her I had to tell her. She had to know the truth. She has to know I am now willing to be open, honest, and consistent no matter how uncomfortable the discussion may be.

Read up on passive aggressive behavior. Everyone has it and it can be extremely hazardous to your relationship.

Here's the best part. For the first time in over 2 decades I finally believe this will improve. Like most men I want to be able to fix any problem that comes my way. For years I felt like I was never going to be able to fix this. Now that I know what the problem is (me) the fix is simple. Be yourself. Be honest. Cultivate an environment where your wife can feel safe with every decision that you make. She has to trust you before the love will come back. When it comes back it will be meaningful and you will be satisfied.

This has not been easy. My wife is hurt. She couldn't trust me before and doesn't know if this is just some other attempt to get in her pants. I told her I no longer have expectations from her and that I would wait for her to be ready. I told her the next time we make love it will be because she initiates it. I told her I would wait, years if necessary. There used to be incredible love and passion and fun there and it will be there again in time. I just need to be patient and consistent and honest. This will be difficult for her too. She has built up a wall of mistrust that I need to tear down. And I do so gleefully.

Take a look at yourself fellas. If there was love there before and it is gone, something happened. It just might be you.

 

I think your optimism is a bit premature. Actually, a LOT premature. And the fact that you seem to be wanting to give advice on how great these changes are going to be, makes me wonder if you also post here as trying2figureitout. You sound a lot like him. Anyway, when you're getting the sex and intimacy that you think you're going to get, please come back and tell us all about how you made it happen. It could help a lot of people.

Oh, and you might consider making your own post, rather than bumping someone elses year old thread.

 

I've heard every excuse in the book and tried to fix anything I could to make easier for her. Nothing works and you shouldn't stress yourself or work yourself into exhaustion to help because it is a waste of time. You just have to decide what your willing to live with and make a decision

 

I was afraid some folks would miss the point of my post. Every marriage is unique and your problem may not be the same as my problem. The point I wanted to make is take a look at yourself. If your wife is physically healthy and your not having sex then there is some personal problem going on that neither of you have been able to pinpoint. If there is an intimacy problem with your relationship you might be the cause. If that is the case with your marriage and you acknowledge it you are already on your way toward repairing the situation.

I've concluded that what my marriage is missing is the connection. This may not be the case for you. My wife doesn't need a good lover, she needs someone she can trust. She needs to know that no matter what happens large or small I will be there to for her without expectation of repayment through sex.

Do not turn sex into a chore for your wife.

Consider that the problem may be you.

Your situation may be entirely different.

 

Ref: Sexual health of elderly single men, elderly men… and clergymen
…are likely to suffer prostate cancer, unless they care to effectively prevent it. Apart from a healthy diet; i.e. low in animal meats/ fats, lots of fruit, Veggies and Omega 3 rich fish, Nature’s laws compel us as well to fulfill our physical true needs systematically, regularly and adequately. Of course this includes our sexual needs, since our libido or sexual drive is derived from inherited, evolutionary biological urges. Common sense and personal life experiences tell me that neglecting any one of our physical needs can only be detrimental to our health and well being.
Thus, regular sex is vital, for it helps to protect all men against prostate cancer and a good excuse to enjoy it more often! (At least that is what Bonobo apes think and do Medically viewed, it is obvious that stagnant sperm, stored at +37°C, will be subjected to bacterial decomposition. For the same reason we are advised to every time completely empty our bladder, as to eliminate bacteria activity and infections. Regular stools etc. are also required. Thus, I wonder: what makes some of us think regular sex is unnecessary?
Furthermore, I believe that the level of our sex drive indicates our overall health; i.e. low sex drive or sudden, prolonged diminishing sex drive is the first event to occur before the onset of a serious chronic or even fatal illness.

Frequency: As with anything physical, best is to allow nature decide the frequency of use, for our fantasies and desires invariably lead us to error, abuse and decreased satisfaction. Men, suffering from perversions, depend largely on human interaction to overcome their psychological imposition in order to fulfill their fantasies, for the lack of it causes sexual dysfunction. - In addition, men in relationships based physical (rather than emotional) inequality resent the libido curve of their wife's sexual desire after menopause, and that also leads to sexual dysfunction. - It is, because the libido curve of men decreases very gradually and lasts well into old age.
There are indeed numerous occasions in which one feels sexually disinterested. It might be one is single, in old age or in bad health. Young, single men are less likely to suffer from lack of regular sexual activities, because they still enjoy being naturally encouraged to it. - Yet, men over their forties and elderly men or in bad health are likely to neglect their sexual needs. Most of them got bored of worrying about it or simply do not care anymore about it as they used to, when they were younger.
The former, because of changes in their partner relationship and the latter, because their female partner’s menopause issues: their declining estrogen levels lead to thinning of the vaginal walls. This, in combination with increasing vaginal dryness contributes to making sex more painful; albeit menopause can mean different things for different women.
While some may experience a decrease in sex drive, other women find that with the right mindset, their sex drive may actually increase. Hence, it largely also depends on one’s mental attitude and metabolic constituency.
Young drug addicts are also neglecting their sexual needs, because their drug abuse has virtually replaced their sexual needs and thus, ruining their health. Very sad, indeed!

It is only natural for elderly men to experience a gradual decline in the sexual libido and frequency. Yet, some of these men are unwilling to comply with this fact and desperately seek to compensate their declining libido with extra marital affairs and even blame their partners for it. I also believe that it is unwise to succumb to sexual greed, because with every orgasm our libido decreases.
The same happens to all our other physical needs. For instance, when we are hungry, the first round of food intake tastes extremely delicious, yet after we satisfied our hunger, more food intake becomes far less enjoyable and we are advised to learn to recognize our body’s genuine needs; i.e. allow rather our body’s true physical needs to determine the right amount and timing of sexual frequency.
For younger, inexperienced men this might be pretty confusing, because our body is too often tempted by sexual fantasies, wants and wishes, which easily misleads us to sexual addictions, perversions and invariably ending up in frustrations. Trial and error and most importantly, self-discipline is the solution to this problem.

Elderly men, confronted with this kind of dilemma are hard pressed to resolve this rather crucial decision in an irrational manner. – Here is how to deal with it, logically correct:
Statistics show that healthy, elderly men are in high demand by lonely, often even much younger ladies and will do almost anything to seduce character-weak, elderly men.
If your partner relationship is based on genuine love and mutual respect, the worst men can do, is to seek to compensate sexual shortcomings with younger women! - Why?
For it is going to destroy the most valuable asset of any partner relationship, that of true love and mutual respect! All then is left is to live “like animals” together, by merely using and abusing each other... or worse, facing a divorce and the dilemma of what to do with that floozy ...after every loveless, purely sexually based intercourse?

The very fact that most men enjoy extra marital, sexual adventures, in itself proves that most men are able to divide the fulfillment of their emotional needs from their physical, sexual needs. In turn, this fact offers them a uniquely novel opportunity.
The smart thing to do in this situation is to find a “neutral solution” to the problem: to scan the market for latest advances in sexual accessories to aid the fulfillment of sexual needs. Do not be surprised about the amount of gadgets on offer! As usual, most of them are money-wasters and only very few of them are truly effective in the long run.
Thus, be sure to do your own, thorough research, otherwise you might end up wasting lots of money by trying out dozens of them, merely to discover that non-of them really satisfies your needs. There are indeed very, very few truly effective gadgets out there.

The pricey “Venus 2000”, made by Abco/USA, is such an effective product, to mention one. I neither promote nor sell their products, but its the only truly effective gadget on the market, I can think of. - A technically versed friend of mine, build his own “Venus Compact”, a DIY version of the Venus 2000 by using a pneumatic cylinder pump and the geared motor from a Chi-exerciser machine, which he replaced with a less powerful car window wiper motor.
If you are not technically versed, the best you can do is to search for Internet forums, in which genuine users (not salesmen), in detail narrate their experience and effectiveness of various gadgets on sale. They even offer you demonstration videos of it.

My friend described the physical sensation of using this gadget as “ravingly insane” and only wished all Catholic clerics and sexual criminals would rather enjoy raping the “Venus 2000” than suffering disgrace and years-long prison sentences.
The pimping scandals of Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the former head of the International Monetary Fund and the scandalous parties of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi etc. prove that men on powerful positions do not mind to divulge their aberrant sexuality?

Their powerful financial position makes them feel entitled to arrogate themselves the right to enjoy and even publicize their disgusting perversions. It is their unwillingness to content themselves with less, than perverse, sexual adventures. I reckon, their mentality in itself is pretty aberrant, criminal and perverse. The problem is that most of them might already have tried a number of ineffective masturbation products and hence, the very ignorance of the existence of truly effective products misleads them to sexual perversions and criminal acts.

Yet, some men categorically reject even the best of these alternatives, because they just prefer to indulge in criminal perversions and only imprisoning them will stop them. Their psychologically damaged, twisted mind is causing their sexual dysfunction and misleads them to criminal, sexual behaviors.
That is, why only a highly effective sexual, mechanical alternative, such as the “Venus 2000” or its clone will be able to offer a high level of satisfaction, relief and self-control.
Therefore, it might be partly the lack of a highly effective sexual, mechanical alternative, which misleads sex criminals to committing sexual crimes. Yes, human sexuality is known to be fairly complex, but it is manageable!

Frequency of use and general considerations:
Like with anything physical, best is to allow nature to decide the frequency of use, for our desires easily misleads us to abuse and diminished satisfaction.
Most men living in physical, rather than emotional based partner relationships, resent the unequal sex drive curve of their female partner after their menopause, for it leads them to sexual boredom and dysfunction. It is, because a men's sex drive and estrogen level only very gradually diminishes and lasts until very old age.
Even men, suffering from criminal sexual perversions, such as pedophilia, rape, bestiality etc., are in fact able to control their abnormal desires with the “Venus 2000” or its clone. Thanks to its incredible effectiveness they won’t feel missing out. Hence, it is paramount
to investigate and search for the most effective gadget, since wasting money on pricey, inferior and futile gadgets invariably end in frustrations and prolonged suffering.
Tip: Perusing Internet pages of physically handicapped people offer us a good source of information as well, because for most of these people the fulfillment of their sexual needs is problematic. - For them it is a crucial and serious matter to try out a number of these gadgets until they finally settle on the most effective one. Their good advice will safe you heaps of money.

Thus, this (above mentioned) neutral solution enables all men to enjoy sexual fulfillment and at the same time foster, maintain the precious, emotional bond with their trusty wife/ partner; even curb/disguise their aberrant sexual appetite and last, not least, effectively protect themselves from venereal deceases, such as AIDS and prostate cancer. Yes man, that is the way to go! I wished I could preach this message to the Catholic clergy!

 

Zombie thread alert...

 

Party pooper...

I Was getting ready to enjoy all the overweight slobbish men saying MMSLP is all bunk. Then all the newly buff former fat slobs say what a difference it is and getting banged by their wifes and ladies phone numbers pushed into their pockets left and right...

 

Have you tried just taking her?? Walk in the room kiss her with as much passion as you can push her against a wall and just go for it? I've had my icky times were i didn't necessarily want it, but man did I want him to take it. Ugh that probably makes no sense lol

 

Makes more sense than you realize. Thanks for the input.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

....After we had our child almost 5 yrs ago.

....I kept pushing for sex and she has been pulling away. We have had this discussion several times and we try to work at it, no changes, i keep messing up, bugging for sex. But she has confronted me and told me she is tired and exhausted already, doesnt like to make love/sex any more and doesnt want to hurt me any more.

...I am trying my best not to get my sexual urges and ask her for sex, give her space. Please any advice? Will she ever want to make love/sex to me again? How long can that take?

Your understanding is very good. May I suggest MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage for starters. I will give you a framework for understanding the problem. And it will teach you about 180's that will help you no push her away.

You really do need to give her enough space she she can change herself. You can not change her and you need to accept that. All you can do is change yourself and the way you interact with her. Many times that will be enough for her to have to react differently to you, in a way that she chooses.

Good luck.

 

OP's long gone.

 

Does she not want sex, does she not want sex with you?
Posted via Mobile Device

 

I have been married for over 28 years. My wife is a great friend and I love doing things with her. We get along well. I don't want to ever lose her but I'm soooo sexually frustrated because she has no desire to make love! It's been a year since we've been intimate and before that we would have sex maybe 3-4 times a year. So I turned to pornography because I didn't want to have an affair. I always made it the priority to make sure she reached orgasm but when it came to my needs to spice things up like different positions to have sex or oral sex, She didn't like it. She complained too much and I tired of the selfishness on her part about pleasure being all about her. I told her that I'm tired of always having to pursue after her to make love because she hardly has ever pursued after me. I feel unloved. I am really wanting to have an affair because I need to know that I'm wanted by someone. I am tired of pornography, I just want to be loved.

 

Perhaps you could start your own thread, and own it. Might be more useful than adding to a 6 year old thread, which has been dead for years.

Just sayin'.

 

Wow, rudeness right from the beginning William? I'm new to this site. I need advice not someone trying to prove that they are macho with their own rules for this site!

 

Hello @Ultrafrustrated. I am sorry you had to find us, but I am glad you did.

Your story is not uncommon and I am sure that the people here at TAM -many having gone through your situation- will be able to help you.

However, this thread is an old one and it would be really helpful if you could please copy your post and use it to launch your own thread in this same category, the Sex In Marriage category.