[Diana7]

Is she married? Has anyone told the partner? If he is truly sorry then he needs to apologise to her partner if she has one. If he wont tell him then you do it.

 

[hamadryad]

Is she married? Has anyone told the partner? If he is truly sorry then he needs to apologise to her partner if she has one. If he wont tell him then you do it.

Good way to get his brains beat in. Or worse.

I can only imagine how that convo goes. "Hey pal, you don't know me, but your wife has been sucking my **** for the last year"

The last thing you want to do is now create an enemy(or enemies) on top of everything else. It won't do anything to help with your situation,op, but add un necessary drama.

 

[Diana7]

Good way to get his brains beat in. Or worse.

I can only imagine how that convo goes. "Hey pal, you don't know me, but your wife has been sucking my **** for the last year"

The last thing you want to do is now create an enemy(or enemies) on top of everything else. It won't do anything to help with your situation,op, but add un necessary drama.

At least the poor man should be told if she has a partner .

 

[bobert]

There is no point having the OP's husband apologize to the other BS (if there is one). Maybe eventually, down the road, when he's actually sorry (but even then it doesnt mean much, in my experience). The (so far hypothetical) OBS should be informed about the affair, but when?

If he is told now, he could get the OPs husband fired. Then he's out of a job and the OP is even more screwed since she isn't working either.

If he isn't told now, it's easier for them to take the affair underground (and the other BS stays in the dark longer).

 

[*Deidre*]

I don’t believe it was “nothing” - doubt that’s what he told her. Of course, he’s going to tell you that. How do you know it’s over if they work together?

What caught my eye with your story though is you saying that you’re “terrified” of losing this man and your marriage. Why “terrified?” That just sounds extreme and like this man has utter control over your entire life. I think once you work through why you’re terrified, then you can make a logical decision as to your marriage. But, if you are clinging to your cheating husband out of fear of the unknown, you’ll stay without even realizing why.

I’m not suggesting to leave but don’t stay out of fear that you can’t manage your life without him.

 

[MissJ]

One thing for sure is that you both need individual counseling/therapy. Him especially since he decided that instead of getting professional help and communicating with you about what he was feeling and going through, he decided to stick it in someone else.

I also suggest getting an STD test. Just as a precaution.

I hope you take time for yourself. Make your own health your top priority for now. See where your head is after you have the space, time, and professional help to process all this. If he's really sorry, he'll take the initiative and do what it takes to back that up. And even then, you don't 'owe' him reconciliation.

Good luck, OP.

ETA: You didn't mention if he's completely cut contact with the AP. That should be first and foremost for his proof of remorse. Continued contact = high chance affair is still occurring or could resume.

He hasn’t cut contact with her. He says he hasn’t talked to her in 2 weeks, but they’re still working together.

He refuses to leave his job or to even consider leaving. I told him it’d mean a lot to me if he left that job. It’d signal to me that he really cared about me and our marriage and was taking this seriously. I wasn’t asking him to be unemployed, but to no longer work there. He said that’s ridiculous and he’s not going to leave his job, he has “a huge client base there” and he won’t jeopardize that.

 

[Beach123]

I’d say - given that he is very intent on staying at that job - that filing papers and serving him for divorce is appropriate. Tell HIM to leave the house. Not you.

I’m sorry but he doesn’t seem to get the full scope of what damage he’s done to you. And really he’s had no consequences. So he’s likely to do it again.

He really need to understand how serious his actions are and how much he harmed you. Right now I don’t think he does.

Has he started individual therapy to work on his own defects and how to fix those defects?

 

[bobert]

He hasn’t cut contact with her. He says he hasn’t talked to her in 2 weeks, but they’re still working together.

He refuses to leave his job or to even consider leaving. I told him it’d mean a lot to me if he left that job. It’d signal to me that he really cared about me and our marriage and was taking this seriously. I wasn’t asking him to be unemployed, but to no longer work there. He said that’s ridiculous and he’s not going to leave his job, he has “a huge client base there” and he won’t jeopardize that.

Then reconciliation isn't an option.

The fact that he thinks it's a "ridiculous" ask shows that he's not remorseful and doesn't understand the damage he's done. It also shows he hasn't looked into what it takes to reconcile, or hasn't taken it seriously, so how badly does he actually want it?

It's also next to impossible to reconcile when the WS still works with their AP. You have no way of knowing if he's contacting her, if they are still in the affair, and it's far too triggering for you and tempting for them - I seriously doubt an affair can just be stopped cold turkey like that, while still seeing them 5x a week. There is no chance in hell I would have reconciled with my wife if she kept working with her AP.

Personally, I'd start moving towards divorce. Maybe he will get his act together, but you have to assume he won't.

 

[Diana7]

He hasn’t cut contact with her. He says he hasn’t talked to her in 2 weeks, but they’re still working together.

He refuses to leave his job or to even consider leaving. I told him it’d mean a lot to me if he left that job. It’d signal to me that he really cared about me and our marriage and was taking this seriously. I wasn’t asking him to be unemployed, but to no longer work there. He said that’s ridiculous and he’s not going to leave his job, he has “a huge client base there” and he won’t jeopardize that.

That's quite disgusting to be honest. He isn't even prepared to ensure your peace of mind by looking for a job elsewhere.
That's alone would make me not trust him.
That would be non negotiable for me. He should be doing everything he can to show you he is repentant. He isn't.

 

[MissJ]

Then reconciliation isn't an option.

The fact that he thinks it's a "ridiculous" ask shows that he's not remorseful and doesn't understand the damage he's done. It also shows he hasn't looked into what it takes to reconcile, or hasn't taken it seriously, so how badly does he actually want it?

It's also next to impossible to reconcile when the WS still works with their AP. You have no way of knowing if he's contacting her, if they are still in the affair, and it's far too triggering for you and tempting for them - I seriously doubt an affair can just be stopped cold turkey like that, while still seeing them 5x a week. There is no chance in hell I would have reconciled with my wife if she kept working with her AP.

Personally, I'd start moving towards divorce. Maybe he will get his act together, but you have to assume he won't.

Yeah, he could be telling the truth but I told him it’s impossible for me to trust anything he says now. Every day that he goes to work I live with the anxiety of wondering if he’s talking to her or doing far more than just talking with her. I told him that and basically said “Why can’t you understand that?” He thinks I should take his word for it? Now that is what’s really ridiculous here.

I wonder if anyone else at work knew. I feel like it’d be hard to hide it for long, especially if you’re both disappearing during the work day.

 

[MissJ]

If you are unsure of what you want to do, I would try to just let that be for now. You don't have to make a decision right away (and I wouldn't really trust a hasty decision in a time like this).

In the meantime, take care of yourself and your children, and distance yourself from your husband. Start taking steps towards divorce, such as seeing a lawyer. It doesn't mean you have decided to divorce - you are just looking into your options. If you want him to leave the house, tell him that. It's no different than having an abusive spouse leave the home, because what he did is abuse.

Tell him you don't know if you will stay together. If he wants a shot he will have to earn it, and even if he does "all the right things" you don't have to stay. He broke the marriage, not you.

A lot of WS's say they are so sorry, they will do whatever they can, etc. Then they realize it actually takes work, the BS doesn't "get over it" in a matter of weeks, and they quit. So, if you are unsure, asking for these things will show you if he's even a candidate for reconciliation. He may make the decision easy for you.

So, some things you can require:

•Him especially, but you should both read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda McDonald. It's a fantastic book that will show you what he should be doing, and show him what to do. If he's not willing to read and implement a book, which is basically a guide telling him what to do, he won't do the harder work.

•He needs to write out a full timeline of the affair, in as many or little details as YOU want. HE doesn't get to decide what you should and shouldn't know, or what's "too hard", etc. There needs to be full transparency. If you don't want to read it yet, save it for later.

•No more downplaying his affair. It doesn't matter that he's not in love with her. He is trying to down play it as "it was just sex, it didn't mean anything". It sure means something to you!

•He needs to end the affair, immediately. They need to go as no contact as possible and he needs to avoid her at all costs.

•He needs to start looking for a new job, immediately. You cannot reconcile while he works with his AP. Don't tell him to QUIT his job yet because if you divorce, that will be paying your alimony and child support.

•He needs to give you all of his passwords and free access to all devices.

•He needs to answer any question that you may have, as many times as you ask, there cannot be any secrets about his affair. I know most of the details of my wife's affairs, and while it absolutely SUCKED, it was necessary for me/us. You should think about WHY you want to know though - to pain shop, or because you need to info to reconcile.

•He needs to get himself into IC, and go. If you decide to reconcile you will need to do MC, but honestly, it ****ing sucks. So I wouldn't do it yet. Personally, we started MC 4 months after D-Day, when I decided to reconcile.

Back to the "sorry" thing... He's not sorry that he did it, he's sorry that he got CAUGHT. He didn't stop the affair on his own, and it doesn't even sound like he's stopped it at all. It may hit him eventually, but right now it hasn't. He's sorry for HIMSELF, worried for HIMSELF - not you. In my experience, there is a big difference in the way the confrontation feels and the way it feels when what they did really hits them.

Reconciliation is possible, if BOTH spouses are all in. You BOTH have to do a lot of hard work, otherwise you will end up like the stories in the above post - those are not reconciliations, they are people who just stayed together. It's harder than you think it will be, and it's going to be years before you've reached a new normal (4-5). You may find that you wasted years of your life and want out later. There are no guarantees. So that may not be worth it to you.

If you want this over "quickly", divorce is probably the better option. It's still not quick, or easy, but at least it's over and you can move on.

Correct, I haven’t made any decisions yet. I’ve felt pretty numb the past few weeks since finding out (I found out between Christmas and New Year’s).

I wanted to leave the house myself initially. I don’t know why, just felt better to be the one leaving him there, not even leaving the dogs with him. It’s not the best option for my kids though. I also don’t want him to leave because I feel like it’ll be like giving him free reign to do more of whatever he wants. I rather he be here where I can see him. Plus, I prefer he be made to help with our children.

 

[bobert]

Yeah, he could be telling the truth but I told him it’s impossible for me to trust anything he says now. Every day that he goes to work I live with the anxiety of wondering if he’s talking to her or doing far more than just talking with her. I told him that and basically said “Why can’t you understand that?” He thinks I should take his word for it? Now that is what’s really ridiculous here.

I wonder if anyone else at work knew. I feel like it’d be hard to hide it for long, especially if you’re both disappearing during the work day.

He's either an idiot who doesn’t care, or the magnitude of what he's done hasn't hit yet.

I'm sure people at work either knew or suspected. People notice that sort of thing, even if they were just "going to lunch together".

 

[Bella51]

I’m sorry you’re here. This is all very new and your emotions will be everywhere for a good while.

I hope you are taking care of yourself during this difficult time. Eat a sandwich. Take a walk. Drink water. Cry to friends and listen to music with a lot of cuss words etc.

Things I do NOT recommend doing:

1. Giving him a list of things to do, read, and think.

I’d rather have a guy that didn’t cheat, but failing that, minimally did what was needed on his own when he screwed up really badly. (He has access to Google, which I’m sure he used to find those hotel rooms; he can manage figuring out how to help the wife he cheated on according to psychology, astrology, reflexology… and every other manner of practice all by himself.) Let him figure his own crap out and what kind of man he is for the “bad years” in the future. (If you decide to entertain even caring that is)

2. Having sex with him.

Some of us have traitorous bodies that don’t seem to get with the program that we’ve been betrayed. If you are like this, don’t do it. It’s hard enough having sane and coherent thoughts during traumatic episodes without adding in the complication of having sex with the betrayer and imagining him inside other people before, during and afterward. Just don’t do it.

3. Immediately work on the marriage

I am not one of those people that thinks it’s a good idea to have the person who betrayed you trying to help you “get over it” and “save the marriage”. I think you have to come to terms with reality and the situation, and tending to any trauma you feel as a result of this betrayal on your own first. I certainly wouldn’t ask someone who purposefully stabbed me to hold my hand at the hospital and explain to the doctor my responsibility in the stabbing. I feel it’s the same with this.

(I’ll add here, that the above 3 things are what I wish I didn’t do. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. If you have further questions on that, feel free to ask. I get wordy, and don’t want to overwhelm you with my listing habits.)

I do recommend you get as much space from him as humanly possible. Emotionally, physically, and mentally. If you’re considering staying, figure out if you can tolerate this, and what it would mean if you did. I don’t think most people are cut out for reconciliation. Not a good one anyways. But I don’t think you can know that for sure without the distance. If it’s at all possible, maybe he can stay elsewhere and give you the space.

Excellent advice! Very important to do at this time. Other work can happen later if you wish.

 

[MissJ]

Ma'am, I am so very sorry you are facing this horrible trauma of marital treason. I truly am. I am generally hard on female marital traitors and am actually even more so on males, especially when they betray the faithful wife and mother of their children, one an infant no less, with the "office sl*t". Its sickening and unconscionable. So, my commiserations on the death of your marriage and express my solidarity to you as you walk through this unnecessary disaster of his making.

Before I dig into some of the things you posted, let me ask you:

• How long does he claim the treason ("affair" is just too innocuous a term for something so awful and devestating imo) went on for in toto? This includes the ramp up time of emotional/communicational intimacy (lunch dates, coffees, etc.)

• How did you discover the betrayal?

• Who else knew of the betrayal?

These are just a few of the questions youll be wrestling with for the foreseeable future.

Now on to some of your quotes:



Hes sorry NOW. Now that hes been caught. Now that hes been exposed as a fraud. How long would he have taken this had he not bedn exposed? My guess? Could have been years. Could have left you for her. Tell him to save his tears and figure out how he became a lying, traitorous s.o.s. for the sake of your children at least.

As to "loving you and the kids" he has a far different definition of "love" doesnt he? His is conditional. Its selfish. Its " when the going gets tough, its every man (man-child in his case) for themself. Its pleasure seeking for pleasure seekings sake regardless of the horrible toll it takes on the ones you SAY you love.

You get what I am saying here. Tell him to save his claims of "love".

As to the mistake claim, Ill not waste more words on that pathetic and worn excuse. You see it for exactly what it is.



Now, this may be the most disturbing revelation of all for you. Its the old "tea bag" analogy, meaning, when the waters of life's circumstances get hot (tough) enough, whats truly inside comes out. And in this case, its poison.

Its like saying, "Life is really tough right now, I think Ill throw a grenade in the midst of my marriage and family". For you, it begs the question of, "So what happens the next time he goes through tough circumstances?" "What about midlife crisis?" "Now that hes tasted the forbidden fruit, what happens the next time 'little miss thing' bats her eyes at him?"

All valid questions amidst many many more Im sure.



Just breath now. Breath. Deep, slow breaths in and out for 5 mins. Do this often. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Its called blowing off the stress. It helps. I know.

As to next steps, here are a few practical ones.

• Firstly, get tested for stds. Immediately. Go to a clinic today and get it done. He must do the same.

• Increase your self care levels radically. Eat right. Hydrate (no booze). Exercise. Have regular spa days if possible (hair, nails, massage, the works) which HE pays for.

• Find a good therapist that specializes in betrayal trauma. You must have a safe space to "pour out your soul" in. I know that of which I speak.

• Confide in trusted family and friends. Do not "white knuckle" it or try to "go it alone". You need people on team "MissJ".

• Regardless of what you eventually decide as to D or R, get a legal consult to find out the lay of the land. You need to know this.

• Spend extra time with your kids. He has to figure himslf out.

• For now, practice the 180 assiduously. Its hard, but its for your benefit. As Shattered Kat advised, have him sleep in another room for now.

As to your CH, this guy has an almost vertical climb ahead of him. Should you eventually consider R, the starting point for him will be true remorse and hes not even close to that. Right now he represents the single greatest threat to your mental emotional health (we hooe to God he hasnt impacted you physically beyond the horrible trauma and sress hes inflicted).

If he is interested in actually trying, he needs to read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" as well as "Not Just Friends". He has a mountain of work to do.

If you want a good example of what a truly remorseful spouse looks like for comparisons sake, look up MrsJohnAdams here on TAM. Read everything she has posted. Her sentiments literally ooze remorse and she and her husband (MrJohnAdams) did reconcile and seemed happy. I will tell you that truly remorseful former cheaters are very rare imo but not impossible to find.

Should you decide to D, well, thats a well worn path and you'll get a ton of good input here on that option. On that note, here is a great quote from a former BH to a newly betrayed husband for your consideration:

"If you walk away right now your recovery starts immediately. Zero - and I mean zero - contact with her. Start divorce proceedings. See a counselor or priest or good friend or whomever and talk about your recovery.

Not seeing her face reduces triggers. Not hearing her lying voice reduces triggers. Facing a new life without that cheater gives you strength and builds your self-esteem. Or just keep doing what you're doing and feeling how you're feeling."

Keep posting here. This is a great outlet and the folks who get the most out of this site keep posting their thoughrs and feelings. Its very therapeutic.

One day at a time. You will make it through this.

When I asked him how long it’d been happening, he said “a few months.” Funny, because I found hotel receipts going back to June 2023! Thats more than a few months, considering I confronted him about this in the week between Christmas and New Year’s. I doubt two co-workers decide out of the blue to go rent a hotel room together, so things had to have started even earlier than June 2023. Do I have a straight answer from him? No!

I’ve made a post about how I discovered it. I’ve told 2 people about it. I’m not the type of person who wants to blast him all over social media or anything like that. I don’t know if anyone else knows. I’m assuming people he works with aren’t dumb and have picked up on it since it’s been going on for the better part of a year.

 

[bobert]

Correct, I haven’t made any decisions yet. I’ve felt pretty numb the past few weeks since finding out (I found out between Christmas and New Year’s).

I wanted to leave the house myself initially. I don’t know why, just felt better to be the one leaving him there, not even leaving the dogs with him. It’s not the best option for my kids though. I also don’t want him to leave because I feel like it’ll be like giving him free reign to do more of whatever he wants. I rather he be here where I can see him. Plus, I prefer he be made to help with our children.

It's fine (and understandable) if you want him to stay in the house. I didn't want my wife leaving the house for the same reason (I worried she'd sleep with an affair partner again, and that's exactly what she did). You aren't ready to make a choice, so him being out of the house would make you worry more.

Reading and implementing the 180 may help:

Private Site

 

[Bella51]

OK you found out, now you and your H or soon to be Ex H need to deal with the situation.

You both need to figure out what you can live with, what you can forgive, etc. Marriage require two to make it work.

If you can, take a few minutes and watch a TED talk on Momogomish. A small part of it says that many relationships end in divorce and then they marry other people and start new marriages. She goes on to say that some couples in your situation realize that one person destroyed there marriage. If you can both grieve the death of your marriage and accept that, you might with the right commitment be able to start a new and different marriage. You both need to understand that neither of you can have the old marriage that was destroyed, as it is over.

After examining your feelings and you both want to try again at building a marriage, you both need to understand that it will never be the same, you can never rug sweep and continue as if nothing happened. However, you have each learned from the experience and after all those years of sharing you know each other far better than someone you date for a few years and marry. If the two of you want you may each start your second marriage with the same person.

You have every reason to divorce him if you want. If the two of you decide you can forgive, learn from mistakes, then you can attempt to start a new marriage with each other.

Good luck to you and your children.

I agree with this. However a period of PHYSICAL separation would define the death of the existing marriage and if decided upon, the building of a new marriage. However, you need time ALONE to figure out who you are now and what you really want going forward --- not a knee jerk reaction to guilt and crisis. This is extremely hard to do if you are still living under the same roof getting triggered all the time and, especially if your husband tries to rug sweep the whole thing which is what he is already doing by making excuses. There are NO excuses or mistakes when a man makes friends with another woman and then plans and executes an affair. This took mental and physical energy to do over and over again.

 

[Beach123]

Why have you settled for him not doing enough to repair the damage he caused?

 

[Diana7]

Is she married? Are you going to tell her partner? If you do then please don't tell him what you are going to do.

 

[Diana7]

When I asked him how long it’d been happening, he said “a few months.” Funny, because I found hotel receipts going back to June 2023! Thats more than a few months, considering I confronted him about this in the week between Christmas and New Year’s. I doubt two co-workers decide out of the blue to go rent a hotel room together, so things had to have started even earlier than June 2023. Do I have a straight answer from him? No!

I’ve made a post about how I discovered it. I’ve told 2 people about it. I’m not the type of person who wants to blast him all over social media or anything like that. I don’t know if anyone else knows. I’m assuming people he works with aren’t dumb and have picked up on it since it’s been going on the better part of a year.

You should demand a time line. When it started etc.

 

[Beach123]

Did he use protection? If not, then he put you at risk every time he makes a conscious decision to meet her.

No matter how he answers I would get an STD test right away!