A kind person who messaged me after reading my story on Reddit invited me to post my story here in this forum. I hope I can get some input here, and it feels a little safer and more private than Reddit.
This is really long, so I apologize for the length in advance.
I (40F) just recently found out that my husband (45M) has been having an affair with a woman at work. something about him doing the most cliche thing in the book makes me even more angry and makes me feel like an even bigger fool. I feel like I’m in denial. This is not somebody I ever thought would or could do this. I had no inkling and I feel like everything o ever thought about him is completely shaken. He was a good guy, somebody I completely trusted, somebody I have never once suspected of cheating on me. He was honestly my best friend and I don’t say that in the cheesy way that some married couples say that sort of thing. I trusted him implicitly with absolutely everything and felt so safe and protected by him.
We’ve been together for 20 years, married 15. We have 3 kids (13, 5, and 9 months). Our relationship was so good. I mean, after 20 years it’s not like I get butterflies every time he walks into the room, but yes sometimes I still did! I continuously has moments where I’d think “I’m the luckiest girl in the world” to have him as my partner. At times I’ve thought one of the only things I’ve done right is pick a great husband and give my kids the best dad I possibly could give them. We get along, we like doing some of the same things (not one of those couples who obsessively has to do everything together though and we have our own hobbies and own friends too), we can disagree on some things without it turning into fights. We still had sex regularly. I thought we had a happy, healthy home.
But then the past year and a half happened. First, we had an unplanned pregnancy and then his brother died unexpectedly. I’ve sensed that something about our relationship changed sometime during my pregnancy, but I couldn’t put my finger on it and admittedly I didn’t really talk to him about it. He changed this past year. It was as if he was still trying to pretend to be himself and doing a pretty good job at convincing some people, but he just wasn’t the same happy person I’ve known him to be. He used to be a glass half full sort of person, positive, motivated, energized. It was the most difficult year as far as our relationship goes. There were no big fights or anything like that, but overall there was less affection, more minor bickering, more time spent separately, more just getting under the other’s skin.
I was waiting for him as soon as he came home from work on the day I found out about his affair. I confronted him right away. Since then, I’ve read all about keeping your cards close to your chest and not letting your cheating spouse know that you’ve discovered them until your ducks are in a row. Screw that! I was sobbing and seething and there’s no way on earth I could have pretended to not know for a minute let alone weeks. He cried, he said he was sorry over and over again. He said he loves me and he loves our kids and he made a really stupid mistake. It wasn’t a mistake. It was a conscious choice over and over again. He begged me not to leave him. He knows he was an asshole and he never wanted to hurt me. He said he had a bad year and the affair was nothing more than an escape for him, he’s not in love with her. He said nothing made him feel happy this year and he was in a fog and made this bad decision. He swears he’s never cheated on me before, that I’m the love of his life, he doesn’t know what he was thinking but he was just so not himself this year (yes, his assessment on not being himself is the only part I can agree with).
We were done having kids but didn’t take any permanent steps to prevent it. Surprise, at 39 years old I experienced the first unplanned pregnancy of my life. Ultimately, we decided to have the baby. It was a joint decision. At the time, it seemed like I was the more undecided one. He just naturally seemed to assume we made a baby so we’re bringing it into the world now. I gave birth the same week I turned 40. The decision definitely changed some plans we had and it has changed things for us financially. I left my job when our youngest was born. I was extremely unhappy and very stressed with my job, constantly having to bring work home and works well beyond 49 hours a week. It was really unhealthy for our family and he expressed concern that he didn’t know how I’d be able to handle the stress of my job and a baby. I felt the same, as I already felt like I was slipping with everything in my personal life because of this job. I just refused to quit previously because the pay was so good and didn’t want to give that up. He makes a good living. He’s been with the same company for 25 years, since he was in college. But I know he feels stressed and like he has a big responsibility being the sole provider now.
Then his brother died unexpectedly this past year. He’s devastated by it, but trying to pretend like everything is fine. I think he fears if he lets himself truly feel all of the emotions over it, he will completely fall apart and not be able to function. These are feelings he expressed to me a long time ago about other difficult things in his life - he just feels he always has to be the strong one soldiering on for everyone else, but it’s really effecting him. His parents are just a mess over it and we’ve had to take on sole duties of helping them (they’re divorced, so two separate households).
I just don’t know what to do. On one hand, I want to divorce him. I always thought if somebody cheated on me there would be no second chances. I feel really strongly about cheating and that it’s always wrong and unforgivable, full stop. Now, I don’t feel 100% sure about leaving. I still love him. I love our family. The thought of divorce terrifies me. The thought of not being with him terrifies me. I can’t imagine him not being my husband anymore.
This is really long, so I apologize for the length in advance.
I (40F) just recently found out that my husband (45M) has been having an affair with a woman at work. something about him doing the most cliche thing in the book makes me even more angry and makes me feel like an even bigger fool. I feel like I’m in denial. This is not somebody I ever thought would or could do this. I had no inkling and I feel like everything o ever thought about him is completely shaken. He was a good guy, somebody I completely trusted, somebody I have never once suspected of cheating on me. He was honestly my best friend and I don’t say that in the cheesy way that some married couples say that sort of thing. I trusted him implicitly with absolutely everything and felt so safe and protected by him.
We’ve been together for 20 years, married 15. We have 3 kids (13, 5, and 9 months). Our relationship was so good. I mean, after 20 years it’s not like I get butterflies every time he walks into the room, but yes sometimes I still did! I continuously has moments where I’d think “I’m the luckiest girl in the world” to have him as my partner. At times I’ve thought one of the only things I’ve done right is pick a great husband and give my kids the best dad I possibly could give them. We get along, we like doing some of the same things (not one of those couples who obsessively has to do everything together though and we have our own hobbies and own friends too), we can disagree on some things without it turning into fights. We still had sex regularly. I thought we had a happy, healthy home.
But then the past year and a half happened. First, we had an unplanned pregnancy and then his brother died unexpectedly. I’ve sensed that something about our relationship changed sometime during my pregnancy, but I couldn’t put my finger on it and admittedly I didn’t really talk to him about it. He changed this past year. It was as if he was still trying to pretend to be himself and doing a pretty good job at convincing some people, but he just wasn’t the same happy person I’ve known him to be. He used to be a glass half full sort of person, positive, motivated, energized. It was the most difficult year as far as our relationship goes. There were no big fights or anything like that, but overall there was less affection, more minor bickering, more time spent separately, more just getting under the other’s skin.
I was waiting for him as soon as he came home from work on the day I found out about his affair. I confronted him right away. Since then, I’ve read all about keeping your cards close to your chest and not letting your cheating spouse know that you’ve discovered them until your ducks are in a row. Screw that! I was sobbing and seething and there’s no way on earth I could have pretended to not know for a minute let alone weeks. He cried, he said he was sorry over and over again. He said he loves me and he loves our kids and he made a really stupid mistake. It wasn’t a mistake. It was a conscious choice over and over again. He begged me not to leave him. He knows he was an asshole and he never wanted to hurt me. He said he had a bad year and the affair was nothing more than an escape for him, he’s not in love with her. He said nothing made him feel happy this year and he was in a fog and made this bad decision. He swears he’s never cheated on me before, that I’m the love of his life, he doesn’t know what he was thinking but he was just so not himself this year (yes, his assessment on not being himself is the only part I can agree with).
We were done having kids but didn’t take any permanent steps to prevent it. Surprise, at 39 years old I experienced the first unplanned pregnancy of my life. Ultimately, we decided to have the baby. It was a joint decision. At the time, it seemed like I was the more undecided one. He just naturally seemed to assume we made a baby so we’re bringing it into the world now. I gave birth the same week I turned 40. The decision definitely changed some plans we had and it has changed things for us financially. I left my job when our youngest was born. I was extremely unhappy and very stressed with my job, constantly having to bring work home and works well beyond 49 hours a week. It was really unhealthy for our family and he expressed concern that he didn’t know how I’d be able to handle the stress of my job and a baby. I felt the same, as I already felt like I was slipping with everything in my personal life because of this job. I just refused to quit previously because the pay was so good and didn’t want to give that up. He makes a good living. He’s been with the same company for 25 years, since he was in college. But I know he feels stressed and like he has a big responsibility being the sole provider now.
Then his brother died unexpectedly this past year. He’s devastated by it, but trying to pretend like everything is fine. I think he fears if he lets himself truly feel all of the emotions over it, he will completely fall apart and not be able to function. These are feelings he expressed to me a long time ago about other difficult things in his life - he just feels he always has to be the strong one soldiering on for everyone else, but it’s really effecting him. His parents are just a mess over it and we’ve had to take on sole duties of helping them (they’re divorced, so two separate households).
I just don’t know what to do. On one hand, I want to divorce him. I always thought if somebody cheated on me there would be no second chances. I feel really strongly about cheating and that it’s always wrong and unforgivable, full stop. Now, I don’t feel 100% sure about leaving. I still love him. I love our family. The thought of divorce terrifies me. The thought of not being with him terrifies me. I can’t imagine him not being my husband anymore.
