I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I also thought I would immediately divorce with no second chance if my husband cheated.. But I didn’t. My reconciliation was not successful, although I remained married for decades longer, but there are people who do manage to rebuild their marriage after infidelity. If that’s what you decide to do, just know it’s a tough road and can take years to rebuild. Your husband will have to be 100% willing to do the work that’s necessary. Many say they are willing but quickly expect their wife to “get over it”. That doesn’t happen. There are lots of ups and downs in the process. You can feel positive one moment and devastated the next. Above all during this time take good care of yourself. I know it may feel like the end of the world (it did for me) but it isn’t. Whether you stay or go, life obviously continues for you and your children and, yes, for him. I wish you well.

 

Suggest you start sleeping in separate rooms. Possible request - he goes lives with a relative or rent an apartment short term and take the dog. No contact will help settle your feelings. Problem is how will you tell kids?

Sometimes life serves up a merde panini and you just have to hold your nose while you dispose of it. Choice is between awful and really bad. So this will test your innate ability to carry on life and be the good mother for family.

Take all the time you need - and know there is no shortcut - you will take many months for your brain to really adjust to your new reality. This is normal for rational humans so do not think there is anything wrong with your thinking.

Husband need to write out detailed & complete timeline - more for his own thinking - share with you if you think you can stomach the reading. He likely would benefit from individual counseling. His boundaries need major adjustment.
He also needs to learn how to live with real life - rhetorical question: What would he do if one of your children succumb to a disease? The correct response is NOT to get 'involved' with a woman other than you - his wife! He is broken and has to fix himself.

Question for you is how patient can you be? 6 months? a year? Often is said by the veterans of infidelity that up to 5 years will be needed before you really accept the new "you." - Yes you. You have a new reality now and whether you stay married or not - you still have to make peace with the crap sandwich you have been forced to chew on.

If you can, share with a close friend who has EMPATHY and can be a sounding board. Talking about "it" does help.
Possible he could benefit from reading "Not Just Friends" and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair" Look on Amazon for example. Possible there may be online for little or no cost. If he is really going to try and convince you to not divorce him - he should be finding things to do (get/read the books!) - counseling - and walk on a bed of coals to convince you he is serious about fixing himself.

Others will add more - good luck - is preparation meeting opportunity. HIs "good luck" (staying your husband) depends on his preparations.

Don't sell yourself cheap - insist 100% for what you want in a marriage and see how he responds.

Sorry to see you here - some may post things that upset you but try and see past language and word choices and get the overall message. Most of us here are posting from the point of experience. It is a "gag a maggot" chunk of crap to swallow and no one will fault you for not succeeding.

 

No Excuse. Ever.

 

One thing for sure is that you both need individual counseling/therapy. Him especially since he decided that instead of getting professional help and communicating with you about what he was feeling and going through, he decided to stick it in someone else.

I also suggest getting an STD test. Just as a precaution.

I hope you take time for yourself. Make your own health your top priority for now. See where your head is after you have the space, time, and professional help to process all this. If he's really sorry, he'll take the initiative and do what it takes to back that up. And even then, you don't 'owe' him reconciliation.

Good luck, OP.

ETA: You didn't mention if he's completely cut contact with the AP. That should be first and foremost for his proof of remorse. Continued contact = high chance affair is still occurring or could resume.

 

He hasn’t cut contact with her. He says he hasn’t talked to her in 2 weeks, but they’re still working together.

He refuses to leave his job or to even consider leaving. I told him it’d mean a lot to me if he left that job. It’d signal to me that he really cared about me and our marriage and was taking this seriously. I wasn’t asking him to be unemployed, but to no longer work there. He said that’s ridiculous and he’s not going to leave his job, he has “a huge client base there” and he won’t jeopardize that.

 

These things are tough, IME

Of the guys I know that went back and they "got back together" he spent practically every moment of the rest of his time with her having to be reminded of it...The wife used it as a club to beat the guy over the skull at every turn....He lives a life with his tail between his legs, feeling like a beaten dog....I'm not justifying it by any means, but what the hell is the point of living like that? For either side.....makes no sense, may as well just get divorced and move on....

Ive also witnessed women take revenge(not necessarily by cheating, although I have heard of revenge affairs) but will do stuff perhaps they shouldn't like make large frivolous purchases without telling him about it, then tell the guy "tough crap, should have thought of that before putting your **** in that woman"....They will store that in their pocket, I don't even think they want to forgive, but will use that as a chip against him any time she feels like she wants... Again, what then is the point of that?

Most guys end it on the spot when they find out their wife stepped out....Maybe that's the best thing to do in these cases.....My only advice is if you are doing it, and can truly forgive without any of the constant resentment and beating the guy down, then perhaps things can be patched up and some normality can be resumed....but that's a decision only you can make and I wont ever tell you what you should or shouldn't do under the circumstances..

 

If you are unsure of what you want to do, I would try to just let that be for now. You don't have to make a decision right away (and I wouldn't really trust a hasty decision in a time like this).

In the meantime, take care of yourself and your children, and distance yourself from your husband. Start taking steps towards divorce, such as seeing a lawyer. It doesn't mean you have decided to divorce - you are just looking into your options. If you want him to leave the house, tell him that. It's no different than having an abusive spouse leave the home, because what he did is abuse.

Tell him you don't know if you will stay together. If he wants a shot he will have to earn it, and even if he does "all the right things" you don't have to stay. He broke the marriage, not you.

A lot of WS's say they are so sorry, they will do whatever they can, etc. Then they realize it actually takes work, the BS doesn't "get over it" in a matter of weeks, and they quit. So, if you are unsure, asking for these things will show you if he's even a candidate for reconciliation. He may make the decision easy for you.

So, some things you can require:

•Him especially, but you should both read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda McDonald. It's a fantastic book that will show you what he should be doing, and show him what to do. If he's not willing to read and implement a book, which is basically a guide telling him what to do, he won't do the harder work.

•He needs to write out a full timeline of the affair, in as many or little details as YOU want. HE doesn't get to decide what you should and shouldn't know, or what's "too hard", etc. There needs to be full transparency. If you don't want to read it yet, save it for later.

•No more downplaying his affair. It doesn't matter that he's not in love with her. He is trying to down play it as "it was just sex, it didn't mean anything". It sure means something to you!

•He needs to end the affair, immediately. They need to go as no contact as possible and he needs to avoid her at all costs.

•He needs to start looking for a new job, immediately. You cannot reconcile while he works with his AP. Don't tell him to QUIT his job yet because if you divorce, that will be paying your alimony and child support.

•He needs to give you all of his passwords and free access to all devices.

•He needs to answer any question that you may have, as many times as you ask, there cannot be any secrets about his affair. I know most of the details of my wife's affairs, and while it absolutely SUCKED, it was necessary for me/us. You should think about WHY you want to know though - to pain shop, or because you need to info to reconcile.

•He needs to get himself into IC, and go. If you decide to reconcile you will need to do MC, but honestly, it ****ing sucks. So I wouldn't do it yet. Personally, we started MC 4 months after D-Day, when I decided to reconcile.

Back to the "sorry" thing... He's not sorry that he did it, he's sorry that he got CAUGHT. He didn't stop the affair on his own, and it doesn't even sound like he's stopped it at all. It may hit him eventually, but right now it hasn't. He's sorry for HIMSELF, worried for HIMSELF - not you. In my experience, there is a big difference in the way the confrontation feels and the way it feels when what they did really hits them.

Reconciliation is possible, if BOTH spouses are all in. You BOTH have to do a lot of hard work, otherwise you will end up like the stories in the above post - those are not reconciliations, they are people who just stayed together. It's harder than you think it will be, and it's going to be years before you've reached a new normal (4-5). You may find that you wasted years of your life and want out later. There are no guarantees. So that may not be worth it to you.

If you want this over "quickly", divorce is probably the better option. It's still not quick, or easy, but at least it's over and you can move on.

 

If you are unsure of what you want to do, I would try to just let that be for now. You don't have to make a decision right away (and I wouldn't really trust a hasty decision in a time like this).

In the meantime, take care of yourself and your children, and distance yourself from your husband. Start taking steps towards divorce, such as seeing a lawyer. It doesn't mean you have decided to divorce - you are just looking into your options. If you want him to leave the house, tell him that. It's no different than having an abusive spouse leave the home, because what he did is abuse.

Tell him you don't know if you will stay together. If he wants a shot he will have to earn it, and even if he does "all the right things" you don't have to stay. He broke the marriage, not you.

A lot of WS's say they are so sorry, they will do whatever they can, etc. Then they realize it actually takes work, the BS doesn't "get over it" in a matter of weeks, and they quit. So, if you are unsure, asking for these things will show you if he's even a candidate for reconciliation. He may make the decision easy for you.

So, some things you can require:

•Him especially, but you should both read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda McDonald. It's a fantastic book that will show you what he should be doing, and show him what to do. If he's not willing to read and implement a book, which is basically a guide telling him what to do, he won't do the harder work.

•He needs to write out a full timeline of the affair, in as many or little details as YOU want. HE doesn't get to decide what you should and shouldn't know, or what's "too hard", etc. There needs to be full transparency. If you don't want to read it yet, save it for later.

•No more downplaying his affair. It doesn't matter that he's not in love with her. He is trying to down play it as "it was just sex, it didn't mean anything". It sure means something to you!

•He needs to end the affair, immediately. They need to go as no contact as possible and he needs to avoid her at all costs.

•He needs to start looking for a new job, immediately. You cannot reconcile while he works with his AP. Don't tell him to QUIT his job yet because if you divorce, that will be paying your alimony and child support.

•He needs to give you all of his passwords and free access to all devices.

•He needs to answer any question that you may have, as many times as you ask, there cannot be any secrets about his affair. I know most of the details of my wife's affairs, and while it absolutely SUCKED, it was necessary for me/us. You should think about WHY you want to know though - to pain shop, or because you need to info to reconcile.

•He needs to get himself into IC, and go. If you decide to reconcile you will need to do MC, but honestly, it ****ing sucks. So I wouldn't do it yet. Personally, we started MC 4 months after D-Day, when I decided to reconcile.

Back to the "sorry" thing... He's not sorry that he did it, he's sorry that he got CAUGHT. He didn't stop the affair on his own, and it doesn't even sound like he's stopped it at all. It may hit him eventually, but right now it hasn't. He's sorry for HIMSELF, worried for HIMSELF - not you. In my experience, there is a big difference in the way the confrontation feels and the way it feels when what they did really hits them.

Reconciliation is possible, if BOTH spouses are all in. You BOTH have to do a lot of hard work, otherwise you will end up like the stories in the above post - those are not reconciliations, they are people who just stayed together. It's harder than you think it will be, and it's going to be years before you've reached a new normal (4-5). You may find that you wasted years of your life and want out later. There are no guarantees. So that may not be worth it to you.

If you want this over "quickly", divorce is probably the better option. It's still not quick, or easy, but at least it's over and you can move on.

Correct, I haven’t made any decisions yet. I’ve felt pretty numb the past few weeks since finding out (I found out between Christmas and New Year’s).

I wanted to leave the house myself initially. I don’t know why, just felt better to be the one leaving him there, not even leaving the dogs with him. It’s not the best option for my kids though. I also don’t want him to leave because I feel like it’ll be like giving him free reign to do more of whatever he wants. I rather he be here where I can see him. Plus, I prefer he be made to help with our children.

 

So sorry you’re experiencing this level of hurt. As a few have said, a marriage can be rebuilt, but it is hard work and will take both of you. You have righteous anger right now to feel as you do and question your entire marriage.

Unfortunately no one is infallible. No one. And that’s the problem. Sure there are plenty of married couples who never have infidelity with another person in their marriage. But no one can ever say never though some will claim it. I was one of those who said never. And I failed.

Some can forgive, some can’t. Some can forgive but must move on and some forgive and choose to stay and attempt true reconciliation. It’s only a choice you can make.

 

Ma'am, I am so very sorry you are facing this horrible trauma of marital treason. I truly am. I am generally hard on female marital traitors and am actually even more so on males, especially when they betray the faithful wife and mother of their children, one an infant no less, with the "office sl*t". Its sickening and unconscionable. So, my commiserations on the death of your marriage and express my solidarity to you as you walk through this unnecessary disaster of his making.

Before I dig into some of the things you posted, let me ask you:

• How long does he claim the treason ("affair" is just too innocuous a term for something so awful and devestating imo) went on for in toto? This includes the ramp up time of emotional/communicational intimacy (lunch dates, coffees, etc.)

• How did you discover the betrayal?

• Who else knew of the betrayal?

These are just a few of the questions youll be wrestling with for the foreseeable future.

Now on to some of your quotes:

He cried, he said he was sorry over and over again. He said he loves me and he loves our kids and he made a really stupid mistake. It wasn’t a mistake. It was a conscious choice over and over again.

Hes sorry NOW. Now that hes been caught. Now that hes been exposed as a fraud. How long would he have taken this had he not bedn exposed? My guess? Could have been years. Could have left you for her. Tell him to save his tears and figure out how he became a lying, traitorous s.o.b. for the sake of your children at least.

As to "loving you and the kids" he has a far different definition of "love" doesnt he? His is conditional. Its selfish. Its " when the going gets tough, its every man (man-child in his case) for themself. Its pleasure seeking for pleasure seekings sake regardless of the horrible toll it takes on the ones you SAY you love.

You get what I am saying here. Tell him to save his claims of "love".

As to the mistake claim, Ill not waste more words on that pathetic and worn excuse. You see it for exactly what it is.

He said he had a bad year and the affair was nothing more than an escape for him, he’s not in love with her. He said nothing made him feel happy this year and he was in a fog and made this bad decision. He swears he’s never cheated on me before, that I’m the love of his life, he doesn’t know what he was thinking but he was just so not himself this year (yes, his assessment on not being himself is the only part I can agree with).

Now, this may be the most disturbing revelation of all for you. Its the old "tea bag" analogy, meaning, when the waters of life's circumstances get hot (tough) enough, whats truly inside comes out. And in this case, its poison.

Its like saying, "Life is really tough right now, I think Ill throw a grenade in the midst of my marriage and family". For you, it begs the question of, "So what happens the next time he goes through tough circumstances?" "What about midlife crisis?" "Now that hes tasted the forbidden fruit, what happens the next time 'little miss thing' bats her eyes at him?"

All valid questions amidst many many more Im sure.

I just don’t know what to do. On one hand, I want to divorce him. I always thought if somebody cheated on me there would be no second chances. I feel really strongly about cheating and that it’s always wrong and unforgivable, full stop. Now, I don’t feel 100% sure about leaving. I still love him. I love our family. The thought of divorce terrifies me. The thought of not being with him terrifies me. I can’t imagine him not being my husband anymore.

Just breath now. Breath. Deep, slow breaths in and out for 5 mins. Do this often. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Its called blowing off the stress. It helps. I know.

As to next steps, here are a few practical ones.

• Firstly, get tested for stds. Immediately. Go to a clinic today and get it done. He must do the same.

• Increase your self care levels radically. Eat right. Hydrate (no booze). Exercise. Have regular spa days if possible (hair, nails, massage, the works) which HE pays for.

• Find a good therapist that specializes in betrayal trauma. You must have a safe space to "pour out your soul" in. I know that of which I speak.

• Confide in trusted family and friends. Do not "white knuckle" it or try to "go it alone". You need people on team "MissJ".

• Regardless of what you eventually decide as to D or R, get a legal consult to find out the lay of the land. You need to know this.

• Spend extra time with your kids. He has to figure himslf out.

• For now, practice the 180 assiduously. Its hard, but its for your benefit. As Shattered Kat advised, have him sleep in another room for now.

As to your CH, this guy has an almost vertical climb ahead of him. Should you eventually consider R, the starting point for him will be true remorse and hes not even close to that. Right now he represents the single greatest threat to your mental emotional health (we hooe to God he hasnt impacted you physically beyond the horrible trauma and sress hes inflicted).

If he is interested in actually trying, he needs to read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" as well as "Not Just Friends". He has a mountain of work to do.

If you want a good example of what a truly remorseful spouse looks like for comparisons sake, look up MrsJohnAdams here on TAM. Read everything she has posted. Her sentiments literally ooze remorse and she and her husband (MrJohnAdams) did reconcile and seemed happy. I will tell you that truly remorseful former cheaters are very rare imo but not impossible to find.

Should you decide to D, well, thats a well worn path and you'll get a ton of good input here on that option. On that note, here is a great quote from a former BH to a newly betrayed husband for your consideration:

"If you walk away right now your recovery starts immediately. Zero - and I mean zero - contact with her. Start divorce proceedings. See a counselor or priest or good friend or whomever and talk about your recovery.

Not seeing her face reduces triggers. Not hearing her lying voice reduces triggers. Facing a new life without that cheater gives you strength and builds your self-esteem. Or just keep doing what you're doing and feeling how you're feeling."

Keep posting here. This is a great outlet and the folks who get the most out of this site keep posting their thoughrs and feelings. Its very therapeutic.

One day at a time. You will make it through this.

 

Ma'am, I am so very sorry you are facing this horrible trauma of marital treason. I truly am. I am generally hard on female marital traitors and am actually even more so on males, especially when they betray the faithful wife and mother of their children, one an infant no less, with the "office sl*t". Its sickening and unconscionable. So, my commiserations on the death of your marriage and express my solidarity to you as you walk through this unnecessary disaster of his making.

Before I dig into some of the things you posted, let me ask you:

• How long does he claim the treason ("affair" is just too innocuous a term for something so awful and devestating imo) went on for in toto? This includes the ramp up time of emotional/communicational intimacy (lunch dates, coffees, etc.)

• How did you discover the betrayal?

• Who else knew of the betrayal?

These are just a few of the questions youll be wrestling with for the foreseeable future.

Now on to some of your quotes:



Hes sorry NOW. Now that hes been caught. Now that hes been exposed as a fraud. How long would he have taken this had he not bedn exposed? My guess? Could have been years. Could have left you for her. Tell him to save his tears and figure out how he became a lying, traitorous s.o.s. for the sake of your children at least.

As to "loving you and the kids" he has a far different definition of "love" doesnt he? His is conditional. Its selfish. Its " when the going gets tough, its every man (man-child in his case) for themself. Its pleasure seeking for pleasure seekings sake regardless of the horrible toll it takes on the ones you SAY you love.

You get what I am saying here. Tell him to save his claims of "love".

As to the mistake claim, Ill not waste more words on that pathetic and worn excuse. You see it for exactly what it is.



Now, this may be the most disturbing revelation of all for you. Its the old "tea bag" analogy, meaning, when the waters of life's circumstances get hot (tough) enough, whats truly inside comes out. And in this case, its poison.

Its like saying, "Life is really tough right now, I think Ill throw a grenade in the midst of my marriage and family". For you, it begs the question of, "So what happens the next time he goes through tough circumstances?" "What about midlife crisis?" "Now that hes tasted the forbidden fruit, what happens the next time 'little miss thing' bats her eyes at him?"

All valid questions amidst many many more Im sure.



Just breath now. Breath. Deep, slow breaths in and out for 5 mins. Do this often. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Its called blowing off the stress. It helps. I know.

As to next steps, here are a few practical ones.

• Firstly, get tested for stds. Immediately. Go to a clinic today and get it done. He must do the same.

• Increase your self care levels radically. Eat right. Hydrate (no booze). Exercise. Have regular spa days if possible (hair, nails, massage, the works) which HE pays for.

• Find a good therapist that specializes in betrayal trauma. You must have a safe space to "pour out your soul" in. I know that of which I speak.

• Confide in trusted family and friends. Do not "white knuckle" it or try to "go it alone". You need people on team "MissJ".

• Regardless of what you eventually decide as to D or R, get a legal consult to find out the lay of the land. You need to know this.

• Spend extra time with your kids. He has to figure himslf out.

• For now, practice the 180 assiduously. Its hard, but its for your benefit. As Shattered Kat advised, have him sleep in another room for now.

As to your CH, this guy has an almost vertical climb ahead of him. Should you eventually consider R, the starting point for him will be true remorse and hes not even close to that. Right now he represents the single greatest threat to your mental emotional health (we hooe to God he hasnt impacted you physically beyond the horrible trauma and sress hes inflicted).

If he is interested in actually trying, he needs to read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" as well as "Not Just Friends". He has a mountain of work to do.

If you want a good example of what a truly remorseful spouse looks like for comparisons sake, look up MrsJohnAdams here on TAM. Read everything she has posted. Her sentiments literally ooze remorse and she and her husband (MrJohnAdams) did reconcile and seemed happy. I will tell you that truly remorseful former cheaters are very rare imo but not impossible to find.

Should you decide to D, well, thats a well worn path and you'll get a ton of good input here on that option. On that note, here is a great quote from a former BH to a newly betrayed husband for your consideration:

"If you walk away right now your recovery starts immediately. Zero - and I mean zero - contact with her. Start divorce proceedings. See a counselor or priest or good friend or whomever and talk about your recovery.

Not seeing her face reduces triggers. Not hearing her lying voice reduces triggers. Facing a new life without that cheater gives you strength and builds your self-esteem. Or just keep doing what you're doing and feeling how you're feeling."

Keep posting here. This is a great outlet and the folks who get the most out of this site keep posting their thoughrs and feelings. Its very therapeutic.

One day at a time. You will make it through this.

When I asked him how long it’d been happening, he said “a few months.” Funny, because I found hotel receipts going back to June 2023! Thats more than a few months, considering I confronted him about this in the week between Christmas and New Year’s. I doubt two co-workers decide out of the blue to go rent a hotel room together, so things had to have started even earlier than June 2023. Do I have a straight answer from him? No!

I’ve made a post about how I discovered it. I’ve told 2 people about it. I’m not the type of person who wants to blast him all over social media or anything like that. I don’t know if anyone else knows. I’m assuming people he works with aren’t dumb and have picked up on it since it’s been going on for the better part of a year.

 

Funny how these affairs often begin when the wife is pregnant.
Pregnant and not seen as 'available, or sexually attractive'.

To the cheater, mind you, not to all men.

In the subconscious mind of the cheater, they lost their lover, she has been replaced by another.
A mother.

He found himself abandoned, first by his beloved brother, then his wife who is now a looming, big bellied mother.
He, for the first time, felt mortal, time is running out.

The other woman was soothing, the reality with a newly pregnant 39 year old wife was jarring.
Jarring, jamming his common sense channel.

In a moment of weakness, his little head led forth his pity party.
Woe is he, forlorn and betrayed are you.

 

Funny how these affairs often begin when the wife is pregnant.
Pregnant and not seen as 'available, or sexually attractive'.

Right. I've seen this a lot coming from men. I haven't gotten a plausible biological explanation for the sudden lost of attraction toward one's pregnant mate.

But I experienced the contrary during my wife's two pregnancies. I was highly attracted and horny for my wife during those pregnancies. We still to this day talk about it.

To OP conundrum, it's extremely hard to get by after such betrayal. It will always be there present even if subconsciously. Personally, it would be over for me the moment I'd found out, by I'm not OP. She needs to decide what's best for her, and if her decision is to stay in the marriage, she must do with the understanding that using his cheating as a constant weapon or part of anything he does that she's upset going forward, it eventually will lead to the relationship demise, guaranteed. So I advised to take some time to think about it, since OP is not so sure what to do right now, weight the future pros and cons, then decide.

 

I think he fears if he lets himself truly feel all of the emotions over it, he will completely fall apart and not be able to function. These are feelings he expressed to me a long time ago about other difficult things in his life - he just feels he always has to be the strong one soldiering on for everyone else, but it’s really effecting him. His parents are just a mess over it and we’ve had to take on sole duties of helping them (they’re divorced, so two separate households).

As a man who experienced something very similar, I can promise you that it sucks, and I can guarantee you will meet someone who knows what the definition of loyalty is (if you so choose).

Real men shoulder things, because life is all about the good and the bad. You have to roll with the punches. No one is without flaws, but some flaws are critical and must be identified and worked on. Your husband failed miserably at this. His proclamation of "it was a bad year" screams of selfishness and utter ********. I have lost many people in my lifetime, and at an early age, but not once did I ever turn to someone other than my wife or friends. You are the one who should be most important in his time of need. My wife is my little rock that keeps this tough guy going. I have faced temptation many times myself. I am not rude about it, but I turn them down all the time. Why? Because I've lost and I value what I have. My first wife didn't value me, so I got a second and better one who did.

Also, your husband didn't just permanently damage you or your marriage. He also put his own feelings ahead of his children's. I tried to work on things for a year with my xw. It didn't work. Nothing was ever the same after that. The trust was gone, and with it our marriage. I learned there are many good matches for anyone in life, so don't feel that he's your "soul mate", because he didn't think of you in that regard. He did this to you and himself, and you are right by saying it wasn't a mistake. You are alot farther along than most in your situation, and don't sacrifice your principles, you will regret it.

 

It is definitely tough since there are kids involved. One concern, he had a "bad year" so he cheated to feel better. I mean, it that isn't a huge red flag. Do you want to spend the rest of your marriage worrying that if you guys go through any turmoil (which will happen), he will just ditch you for some other chick? Do you honestly think you can forgive him? Do you honestly think you can ever be intimate with him again and not think about the other woman? Keep in mind as well, HE WAS WILLING TO BRING HOME A NICE LITTLE STD TO YOU, THE RISK WAS WORTH IT TO HIM... Obviously these are all things you will need to work out. Me personally, cheating is an automatic end to a relationship. I would never be able to look at my wife the same way and I would never touch her again.

Praying that you will be able to work through this and do what is best FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS, not your husband.

 

Betrayal is always such a painful thing to be facing. To find out that the person you love isnt who you thought they were. The facts are that he didn't tell you, you found out. Therefore he is sorry he got caught. If you hadn't found out it would still be carrying on. He is blaming circumstances, he seemed unhappy to you because he was cheating. Many of us have faced horrible things but we didn't cheat. Not only did he cheat once but it carried on and on.

How much has he told you? IE how long was the affair? Where did they meet? Who is it?
If she is married then has he told her husband and appologised? I would make sure the other spouse knows if there is one.

Is he looking for another job? That would be my first non negotiable demand. I would also ask him to move out for a period of time so that he knows the seriousness of what he has done and also to give you time to think and make a decision. Only you can decide if you could trust again, some can and some cant. My ex husbands deep betrayal was different but I made him leave the day I found out what he had done. I appreciate that you have young children which makes it harder, so make sure he can have them regularly.

 

But I know he feels stressed and like he has a big responsibility being the sole provider now.

Stop making EXCUSES for this man.

Then his brother died unexpectedly this past year. He’s devastated by it, but trying to pretend like everything is fine. I think he fears if he lets himself truly feel all of the emotions over it, he will completely fall apart and not be able to function. These are feelings he expressed to me a long time ago about other difficult things in his life - he just feels he always has to be the strong one soldiering on for everyone else, but it’s really effecting him. His parents are just a mess over it and we’ve had to take on sole duties of helping them (they’re divorced, so two separate households).

Stop making EXCUSES for this man.

I will tell you this - you've made a ton of excuses for why he did what he did and I can guarantee you that when you go to some therapist, that's the garbage they're going to sell you as well. They're famous for making excuses for cheaters rather than calling them out for the low-down snakes they actually ARE. And you'll get all the blather about how death and other big life changes are responsible for having caused the perfect storm that made this affair happen. They seem to hate assigning actual personal accountability to cheaters because their devastated betrayed spouses want so badly to belive that a whole bunch of something ELSE made them lose their moral compass.

He's a cheater. You now know what he is. Don't believe his "I was in a fog" garbage either. He's a walking cliche of every cheater out there and has just as many lame excuses as they all have. He's not special. He's not unique.

You just have to decide how much of your pride you're willing to sacrifice in order to be with someone who honestly couldn't even show you the respect most people show to common houseflies. He showed you exactly how low he's willing to sink, and when someone shows you who they are, believe them. As you can tell, I'm in the "divorce them" camp when it comes to cheaters. Good luck to you.

 

Stop making EXCUSES for this man.

Stop making EXCUSES for this man.

I will tell you this - you've made a ton of excuses for why he did what he did and I can guarantee you that when you go to some therapist, that's the garbage they're going to sell you as well. They're famous for making excuses for cheaters rather than calling them out for the low-down snakes they actually ARE. And you'll get all the blather about how death and other big life changes are responsible for having caused the perfect storm that made this affair happen. They seem to hate assigning actual personal accountability to cheaters because their devastated betrayed spouses want so badly to belive that a whole bunch of something ELSE made them lose their moral compass.

He's a cheater. You now know what he is. Don't believe his "I was in a fog" garbage either. He's a walking cliche of every cheater out there and has just as many lame excuses as they all have. He's not special. He's not unique.

THIS!! I lived this when I pursued "counseling" after my ex cheated. He got literal pats on the shoulder, told that "we all make mistakes", and I got told that I needed to learn to put it behind me. Yes, very BAD counseling. That's not to say that all counseling is bad, but even solid counseling is only worthwhile if BOTH spouses want to put the effort in - and if the betrayer truly wants to change. Your spouse, I am sorry to say, displays zero remorse and his attitude toward you shows that he is selfish and self-motivated. Just the kind of person who would do it again.

I am so sorry that you are going through this terrible pain and shock of betrayal. Please stop searching for reasons that he did it. I know that you want to make sense of it all. But there is no sense in betrayal - it is because he puts himself and his pleasure/comfort/desires above anything and anyone else in life.

He wronged you and his children big time. He also wronged the coworker's husband/family. Now there are TWO broken homes. Please don't leave the other husband in the dark... I know it is difficult, but he needs to be made aware that all of this has happened. The Petco coupon policy was a blessing in disguise that led you to truth. He might not ever find out if not for you revealing what happened.

As others have mentioned, you need support and love right now, more than ever. Please surround yourself with people you trust, allow yourself to feel what you feel, pray if you pray, and definitely get an STD test. Hugs to you.

 

Meanwhile she has a newborn and other children and needs to be working, if I read correctly.

So kids who are school age are a lot easier to divvy up and share custody so that both parents can have their separate lives and keep working and be responsible for half of the care of the children.

But with a newborn and the next couple of years at least, not sure it's even possible for her to leave and work or any of that.

She's already given up her good career because of this last baby that was not planned so she's in a bit of a pickle and so is he.

She can go ahead and divorce and she can still have him take 50% custody so that she has some time for herself and the baby, but he is going to have to be paying a lot of child support even if that happens because she has to take care of the newborn and can't work quite yet.

I don't know what kind of support she has so I don't know for example if she waited out a year, if she has a mom or somebody who could take care of her baby while she's at work and get back to work or if that's even too early to go back to work as far as nursing the baby etc. but if it would help to take a year before going forward with divorce, then that's one consideration but only if you can have an agreement that it goes back to 50/50 custody once the baby is old enough and you get back to work.

But if she waited a year to file then it will take at least another year for it to be final. So she's got to think about all this stuff and what stage the baby will be in and what that means.

I feel he will likely just do something like this again especially if he gets away with it this time so easily. Maybe she just needs to decide what is the easier life for herself, putting blinders on or being in a real pickle logistically to take care of the kids and make a living at the same time.

We see so many people with young kids in a jam and just kind of stuck and they're just isn't any magic solution to it unless someone happens to be independently wealthy and have lots of child care support.

Sorry you got your trust destroyed. How long you know a person, the better you know that person so don't start telling yourself that this isn't the real him.

I don't know what to tell you about moving into separate bedrooms because that's a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation.

I would not insist he quits his job he's had 25 years because this may be the only financial security you have until the baby is old enough. I mean the deed is already done. Him quitting his job isn't going to erase that and wouldn't keep him from seeing her if he wanted to.

 

Meanwhile she has a newborn and other children and needs to be working, if I read correctly.

So kids who are school age are a lot easier to divvy up and share custody so that both parents can have their separate lives and keep working and be responsible for half of the care of the children.

But with a newborn and the next couple of years at least, not sure it's even possible for her to leave and work or any of that.

She's already given up her good career because of this last baby that was not planned so she's in a bit of a pickle and so is he.

She can go ahead and divorce and she can still have him take 50% custody so that she has some time for herself and the baby, but he is going to have to be paying a lot of child support even if that happens because she has to take care of the newborn and can't work quite yet.

I don't know what kind of support she has so I don't know for example if she waited out a year, if she has a mom or somebody who could take care of her baby while she's at work and get back to work or if that's even too early to go back to work as far as nursing the baby etc. but if it would help to take a year before going forward with divorce, then that's one consideration but only if you can have an agreement that it goes back to 50/50 custody once the baby is old enough and you get back to work.

But if she waited a year to file then it will take at least another year for it to be final. So she's got to think about all this stuff and what stage the baby will be in and what that means.

I feel he will likely just do something like this again especially if he gets away with it this time so easily. Maybe she just needs to decide what is the easier life for herself, putting blinders on or being in a real pickle logistically to take care of the kids and make a living at the same time.

We see so many people with young kids in a jam and just kind of stuck and they're just isn't any magic solution to it unless someone happens to be independently wealthy and have lots of child care support.

Sorry you got your trust destroyed. How long do you know a person, the better you know that person so don't start telling yourself that this isn't the real him.

I don't know what to tell you about moving into separate bedrooms because that's a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation.

I would not insist he quits his job he's had 25 years because this may be the only financial security you have until the baby is old enough. I mean the deed is already done. Him quitting his job isn't going to erase that and wouldn't keep him from seeing her if he wanted to.

The suggestion is that he looks for a job elsewhere in his field. Him carrying in seeing her daily is madness.

 

Well my exH cheated when we were 10 years married while everything seemed really good.

He promised he would never do it again and that he loved me dearly.

It was another ten years before I found solid proof again. We were still experiencing a very good relationship. We had done a lot of counseling. I divorced him without any conversation. I realized he cheated when he thought I couldn’t find out. But I did. I was always paying attention - but he was sneaky.

And I don’t regret divorcing him! I wish I’d done it at the ten year mark!!! I deserved so much better! I was a good wife to him.

Since he says it was a bad year that caused it - what happens when the next bad few months come along (because they will!) and it wasn’t the bad year - it was actually him being weak and giving in to his ego and not respecting you!!! So how does he expect to repair THAT about himself and the damage he’s done to you?

Personally, I would divorce him - especially if he decided to continue working with her!!

My exH regrets it still almost 20 years after we divorced. But that didn’t stop him from cheating again on his next wife.

Some men cheat when a woman strokes his ego.

And some men never really regrets it unless they are caught.

I wouldn’t let him do that to you without severe consequences - even with severe consequences they do it again - so it’s a gamble YOU take if you stay. I wanted my peace of mind back. It’s a tough thing knowing someone is sleeping next you - that didn’t treat you right.

 

I didn’t post and run, just got busy today with everyone being off school and work due to the holiday.

I found out completely by accident. I didn’t suspect anything, so I wasn’t looking for anything. All I wanted to do was get a Petco coupon code from his email. I needed to make a large purchase at the pet store and they had a deal going on for $20.00 off a pickup order. I decided to split my order so I could get $20.00 off twice. The deal could only be used once per customer, so I signed up once with my email and once with his email. I don’t know his email password, never asked for it. I went to his Mac in his office at our home and his email was logged in. The Petco email didn’t show up immediately, so I was just sitting there for a few moments waiting for the coupon code and I saw an email receipt from a hotel, and then another further down in his inbox. That was weird, so I opened the emails. The reservations were for hotels right near his workplace and for days/times when he was supposed to be at work. Immediately, I knew it was bad news. There’s no innocent reason for that. He would have absolutely no reason to do that. So I started to dig further and found that he’d forwarded some of these details to a woman at work. I didn’t know her, had never even heard her name. I was easily able to find her and her picture on the website for the company they were for. They have everyone’s titles and pictures on there. I checked the cloud and found a few pictures of them together - no sexual, but posing as if they were a couple somewhere. Then I found a few inappropriate pictures of her.

I just wanted to get a coupon code! I never imagined when I got in that computer that I was about to stumble on his secret.

 

Since several people have mentioned it, he’s still living at home. I actually tried to leave the day I found out, after I confronted him. I packed up the dogs and the kids and planned to go to a hotel. The two youngest started screaming, the dogs started freaking out, I had to pull over and ask myself what in the hell I was doing. I wanted to be the one to leave, I don’t know why, but I realized that it was causing too much anxiety for my kids and I’d probably get kicked out of a hotel because my dogs were on edge and would probably bark all night since they freak out when they go anywhere away from home. I decided to turn around and go home, but I made it clear to him that I only came home for their sakes.

 

I’m sorry you’re here. This is all very new and your emotions will be everywhere for a good while.

I hope you are taking care of yourself during this difficult time. Eat a sandwich. Take a walk. Drink water. Cry to friends and listen to music with a lot of cuss words etc.

Things I do NOT recommend doing:

1. Giving him a list of things to do, read, and think.

I’d rather have a guy that didn’t cheat, but failing that, minimally did what was needed on his own when he screwed up really badly. (He has access to Google, which I’m sure he used to find those hotel rooms; he can manage figuring out how to help the wife he cheated on according to psychology, astrology, reflexology… and every other manner of practice all by himself.) Let him figure his own crap out and what kind of man he is for the “bad years” in the future. (If you decide to entertain even caring that is)

2. Having sex with him.

Some of us have traitorous bodies that don’t seem to get with the program that we’ve been betrayed. If you are like this, don’t do it. It’s hard enough having sane and coherent thoughts during traumatic episodes without adding in the complication of having sex with the betrayer and imagining him inside other people before, during and afterward. Just don’t do it.

3. Immediately work on the marriage

I am not one of those people that thinks it’s a good idea to have the person who betrayed you trying to help you “get over it” and “save the marriage”. I think you have to come to terms with reality and the situation, and tending to any trauma you feel as a result of this betrayal on your own first. I certainly wouldn’t ask someone who purposefully stabbed me to hold my hand at the hospital and explain to the doctor my responsibility in the stabbing. I feel it’s the same with this.

(I’ll add here, that the above 3 things are what I wish I didn’t do. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. If you have further questions on that, feel free to ask. I get wordy, and don’t want to overwhelm you with my listing habits.)

I do recommend you get as much space from him as humanly possible. Emotionally, physically, and mentally. If you’re considering staying, figure out if you can tolerate this, and what it would mean if you did. I don’t think most people are cut out for reconciliation. Not a good one anyways. But I don’t think you can know that for sure without the distance. If it’s at all possible, maybe he can stay elsewhere and give you the space.

 

Excellent advice! Very important to do at this time. Other work can happen later if you wish.

 

I just don’t know what to do. On one hand, I want to divorce him. I always thought if somebody cheated on me there would be no second chances. I feel really strongly about cheating and that it’s always wrong and unforgivable, full stop. Now, I don’t feel 100% sure about leaving. I still love him. I love our family. The thought of divorce terrifies me. The thought of not being with him terrifies me. I can’t imagine him not being my husband anymore.

I found out completely by accident.

I decided to turn around and go home, but I made it clear to him that I only came home for their sakes.

OK you found out, now you and your H or soon to be Ex H need to deal with the situation.

You both need to figure out what you can live with, what you can forgive, etc. Marriage require two to make it work.

If you can, take a few minutes and watch a TED talk on Momogomish. A small part of it says that many relationships end in divorce and then they marry other people and start new marriages. She goes on to say that some couples in your situation realize that one person destroyed there marriage. If you can both grieve the death of your marriage and accept that, you might with the right commitment be able to start a new and different marriage. You both need to understand that neither of you can have the old marriage that was destroyed, as it is over.

After examining your feelings and you both want to try again at building a marriage, you both need to understand that it will never be the same, you can never rug sweep and continue as if nothing happened. However, you have each learned from the experience and after all those years of sharing you know each other far better than someone you date for a few years and marry. If the two of you want you may each start your second marriage with the same person.

You have every reason to divorce him if you want. If the two of you decide you can forgive, learn from mistakes, then you can attempt to start a new marriage with each other.

Good luck to you and your children.

 

I agree with this. However a period of PHYSICAL separation would define the death of the existing marriage and if decided upon, the building of a new marriage. However, you need time ALONE to figure out who you are now and what you really want going forward --- not a knee jerk reaction to guilt and crisis. This is extremely hard to do if you are still living under the same roof getting triggered all the time and, especially if your husband tries to rug sweep the whole thing which is what he is already doing by making excuses. There are NO excuses or mistakes when a man makes friends with another woman and then plans and executes an affair. This took mental and physical energy to do over and over again.

 

So what has he been doing to help himself understand why he cheated - and how to never do it again?

What has he been doing to repair the damage he cause to you, the marriage and the family?

Is he sorry he did it or just sorry he got caught? There is a difference.

 

Is she married? Has anyone told the partner? If he is truly sorry then he needs to apologise to her partner if she has one. If he wont tell him then you do it.

 

Good way to get his brains beat in. Or worse.

I can only imagine how that convo goes. "Hey pal, you don't know me, but your wife has been sucking my **** for the last year"

The last thing you want to do is now create an enemy(or enemies) on top of everything else. It won't do anything to help with your situation,op, but add un necessary drama.

 

There is no point having the OP's husband apologize to the other BS (if there is one). Maybe eventually, down the road, when he's actually sorry (but even then it doesnt mean much, in my experience). The (so far hypothetical) OBS should be informed about the affair, but when?

If he is told now, he could get the OPs husband fired. Then he's out of a job and the OP is even more screwed since she isn't working either.

If he isn't told now, it's easier for them to take the affair underground (and the other BS stays in the dark longer).

 

I don’t believe it was “nothing” - doubt that’s what he told her. Of course, he’s going to tell you that. How do you know it’s over if they work together?

What caught my eye with your story though is you saying that you’re “terrified” of losing this man and your marriage. Why “terrified?” That just sounds extreme and like this man has utter control over your entire life. I think once you work through why you’re terrified, then you can make a logical decision as to your marriage. But, if you are clinging to your cheating husband out of fear of the unknown, you’ll stay without even realizing why.

I’m not suggesting to leave but don’t stay out of fear that you can’t manage your life without him.

 

I’d say - given that he is very intent on staying at that job - that filing papers and serving him for divorce is appropriate. Tell HIM to leave the house. Not you.

I’m sorry but he doesn’t seem to get the full scope of what damage he’s done to you. And really he’s had no consequences. So he’s likely to do it again.

He really need to understand how serious his actions are and how much he harmed you. Right now I don’t think he does.

Has he started individual therapy to work on his own defects and how to fix those defects?

 

Why have you settled for him not doing enough to repair the damage he caused?