[bobert]

I've just always heard that this is a real obstacle, at least here in Dallas. The father should watch the children half the time ASAP so she can hopefully keep her career going. I don't think this is going to be an easy decision for her, though. I mean, it is hard to make a decision when you're heartbroken. She trusted him, hasn't entertained the possibility it could happen. Very sad.

In my area it's hard to find a daycare spot for under 18 months due to staffing ratios and long waitlists. It is possible though, usually at a private home daycare (same cost) or nanny/nanny sharing.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

Right. I've seen this a lot coming from men. I haven't gotten a plausible biological explanation for the sudden lost of attraction toward one's pregnant mate.

But I experienced the contrary during my wife's two pregnancies. I was highly attracted and horny for my wife during those pregnancies. We still to this day talk about it.

To OP conundrum, it's extremely hard to get by after such betrayal. It will always be there present even if subconsciously. Personally, it would be over for me the moment I'd found out, by I'm not OP. She needs to decide what's best for her, and if her decision is to stay in the marriage, she must do with the understanding that using his cheating as a constant weapon or part of anything he does that she's upset going forward, it eventually will lead to the relationship demise, guaranteed. So I advised to take some time to think about it, since OP is not so sure what to do right now, weight the future pros and cons, then decide.

It is sad. I think maybe it was between that and feeling his mortality after his brother died, but none of that is comforting or means it won't happen again!

Miss J, I sure hope you get on birth control now unless you don't plan to have sex.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

The suggestion is that he looks for a job elsewhere in his field. Him carrying in seeing her daily is madness.

It wouldn't even stop them from getting together and using the internet all the time or anything, though. It's not worth giving up a solid job for! If she feels trying to remove all his temptation is the only way she can trust, then she may as well divorce, because you can never remove all temptation. The person has to be able to do that for themselves.

 

[Diana7]

I've just always heard that this is a real obstacle, at least here in Dallas. The father should watch the children half the time ASAP so she can hopefully keep her career going. I don't think this is going to be an easy decision for her, though. I mean, it is hard to make a decision when you're heartbroken. She trusted him, hasn't entertained the possibility it could happen. Very sad.

Yes she is still in deep shock. She will need time to process it.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

Perhaps after some time, she and he can transform their relationship into a non romantic couple that can live together and go on for the sake of the kids....They wouldn't be the first to do this, millions of couples doing it now as we speak.....Then split when the kids are old enough....

Despite what some people make you believe, its not as bad as a flat out divorce and upheaval for the kids....The kids most likely won't care, as long as there is no fighting and their lives remain stable and there are no major changes for them...

But some people are bent on making the WS pay, even if the kids lives get destroyed.. and that is understandable I suppose...but at the end of the day, the bell can't be un rung...Best thing to do is try to come up with some plan to make the lives of the kids least impacted...what that looks like is up to the parties involved.

It takes two very mature in-control people to pull that off, but I agree with you that it can work sometimes. However, he's not "in control." Even though he cheated, what do you bet if she cut sex off he'd sit still for it without just going and finding someone else or this same woman? She's very invested in him. It would still be a lot of pain and doubt. The right two people could do that, but I'm not sure doing it as a remedy to cheating is the optimum reason. Maybe just two people who kind of became more friends and companions.

I do agree there's always this push to get revenge and all that. If it makes a person feel better, even a little, that's fine I suppose, but not with kids in the mix, really.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

In my area it's hard to find a daycare spot for under 18 months due to staffing ratios and long waitlists. It is possible though, usually at a private home daycare (same cost) or nanny/nanny sharing.

Yes, nanny if you can afford it, but wow, can you imagine her trying to trust her husband with a nanny in the mix, whether they're together or separated?

 

[Diana7]

It wouldn't even stop them from getting together and using the internet all the time or anything, though. It's not worth giving up a solid job for! If she feels trying to remove all his temptation is the only way she can trust, then she may as well divorce, because you can never remove all temptation. The person has to be able to do that for themselves.

Seeing each other every day would certainly stop me from wanting to reconcile. No she cant trust right now of course, which is why he must do all her can to show he is remorseful. That is the least he can do.

 

[bobert]

Yes, nanny if you can afford it, but wow, can you imagine her trying to trust her husband with a nanny in the mix, whether they're together or separated?

We have one, though she's not here often lately. My wife intentionally switched the filter to oldest (in age) first and picked one old enough to be our mother.

She wanted someone who had been there, done that, and didn't want to feel like she had a 7th child, but also didn't want a "my husband is ****ing the nanny" situation.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

Seeing each other every day would certainly stop me from wanting to reconcile. No she cant trust right now of course, which is why he must do all her can to show he is remorseful. That is the least he can do.

Yes, but in her situation, she could be the one who suffers from it if he ends up underemployed.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

We have one, though she's not here often lately. My wife intentionally switched the filter to oldest (in age) first and picked one old enough to be our mother.

She wanted someone who had been there, done that, and didn't want to feel like she had a 7th child, but also didn't want a "my husband is ****ing the nanny" situation.

Yes, your wife is a smart cookie!

 

[SunCMars]

The suggestion is that he looks for a job elsewhere in his field. Him carrying on seeing her daily is madness.

Agreed.

While she and he are working together....

There will be mere looking.
There will be more longing.

There will be more remembering.
There will be, even more longing.

While the touching may forever cease, the longing for what's remembered will cause his member to remember him standing tall in the breach.

With him seeing her daily, he would gaily admire her posture.
And remember her longing eyes, a-flutter..

Aye, he needs to quit his job.


Prince Robbie-

 

[bobert]

Yes, your wife is a smart cookie!

Thanks for the vote of confidence!! 😅

 

[DownByTheRiver]

Thanks for the vote of confidence!! 😅

I thought about that after I posted it .
I trust you, Bobert.

 

[Diana7]

Yes, but in her situation, she could be the one who suffers from it if he ends up underemployed.

I doubt that would happen. He can look for a similar job elsewhere.

 

[Beach123]

Well my exH cheated when we were 10 years married while everything seemed really good.

He promised he would never do it again and that he loved me dearly.

It was another ten years before I found solid proof again. We were still experiencing a very good relationship. We had done a lot of counseling. I divorced him without any conversation. I realized he cheated when he thought I couldn’t find out. But I did. I was always paying attention - but he was sneaky.

And I don’t regret divorcing him! I wish I’d done it at the ten year mark!!! I deserved so much better! I was a good wife to him.

Since he says it was a bad year that caused it - what happens when the next bad few months come along (because they will!) and it wasn’t the bad year - it was actually him being weak and giving in to his ego and not respecting you!!! So how does he expect to repair THAT about himself and the damage he’s done to you?

Personally, I would divorce him - especially if he decided to continue working with her!!

My exH regrets it still almost 20 years after we divorced. But that didn’t stop him from cheating again on his next wife.

Some men cheat when a woman strokes his ego.

And some men never really regrets it unless they are caught.

I wouldn’t let him do that to you without severe consequences - even with severe consequences they do it again - so it’s a gamble YOU take if you stay. I wanted my peace of mind back. It’s a tough thing knowing someone is sleeping next you - that didn’t treat you right.

 

[MissJ]

I didn’t post and run, just got busy today with everyone being off school and work due to the holiday.

I found out completely by accident. I didn’t suspect anything, so I wasn’t looking for anything. All I wanted to do was get a Petco coupon code from his email. I needed to make a large purchase at the pet store and they had a deal going on for $20.00 off a pickup order. I decided to split my order so I could get $20.00 off twice. The deal could only be used once per customer, so I signed up once with my email and once with his email. I don’t know his email password, never asked for it. I went to his Mac in his office at our home and his email was logged in. The Petco email didn’t show up immediately, so I was just sitting there for a few moments waiting for the coupon code and I saw an email receipt from a hotel, and then another further down in his inbox. That was weird, so I opened the emails. The reservations were for hotels right near his workplace and for days/times when he was supposed to be at work. Immediately, I knew it was bad news. There’s no innocent reason for that. He would have absolutely no reason to do that. So I started to dig further and found that he’d forwarded some of these details to a woman at work. I didn’t know her, had never even heard her name. I was easily able to find her and her picture on the website for the company they were for. They have everyone’s titles and pictures on there. I checked the cloud and found a few pictures of them together - no sexual, but posing as if they were a couple somewhere. Then I found a few inappropriate pictures of her.

I just wanted to get a coupon code! I never imagined when I got in that computer that I was about to stumble on his secret.

 

[MissJ]

Since several people have mentioned it, he’s still living at home. I actually tried to leave the day I found out, after I confronted him. I packed up the dogs and the kids and planned to go to a hotel. The two youngest started screaming, the dogs started freaking out, I had to pull over and ask myself what in the hell I was doing. I wanted to be the one to leave, I don’t know why, but I realized that it was causing too much anxiety for my kids and I’d probably get kicked out of a hotel because my dogs were on edge and would probably bark all night since they freak out when they go anywhere away from home. I decided to turn around and go home, but I made it clear to him that I only came home for their sakes.

 

[QuietRiot]

I’m sorry you’re here. This is all very new and your emotions will be everywhere for a good while.

I hope you are taking care of yourself during this difficult time. Eat a sandwich. Take a walk. Drink water. Cry to friends and listen to music with a lot of cuss words etc.

Things I do NOT recommend doing:

1. Giving him a list of things to do, read, and think.

I’d rather have a guy that didn’t cheat, but failing that, minimally did what was needed on his own when he screwed up really badly. (He has access to Google, which I’m sure he used to find those hotel rooms; he can manage figuring out how to help the wife he cheated on according to psychology, astrology, reflexology… and every other manner of practice all by himself.) Let him figure his own crap out and what kind of man he is for the “bad years” in the future. (If you decide to entertain even caring that is)

2. Having sex with him.

Some of us have traitorous bodies that don’t seem to get with the program that we’ve been betrayed. If you are like this, don’t do it. It’s hard enough having sane and coherent thoughts during traumatic episodes without adding in the complication of having sex with the betrayer and imagining him inside other people before, during and afterward. Just don’t do it.

3. Immediately work on the marriage

I am not one of those people that thinks it’s a good idea to have the person who betrayed you trying to help you “get over it” and “save the marriage”. I think you have to come to terms with reality and the situation, and tending to any trauma you feel as a result of this betrayal on your own first. I certainly wouldn’t ask someone who purposefully stabbed me to hold my hand at the hospital and explain to the doctor my responsibility in the stabbing. I feel it’s the same with this.

(I’ll add here, that the above 3 things are what I wish I didn’t do. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. If you have further questions on that, feel free to ask. I get wordy, and don’t want to overwhelm you with my listing habits.)

I do recommend you get as much space from him as humanly possible. Emotionally, physically, and mentally. If you’re considering staying, figure out if you can tolerate this, and what it would mean if you did. I don’t think most people are cut out for reconciliation. Not a good one anyways. But I don’t think you can know that for sure without the distance. If it’s at all possible, maybe he can stay elsewhere and give you the space.

 

[Young at Heart]

I just don’t know what to do. On one hand, I want to divorce him. I always thought if somebody cheated on me there would be no second chances. I feel really strongly about cheating and that it’s always wrong and unforgivable, full stop. Now, I don’t feel 100% sure about leaving. I still love him. I love our family. The thought of divorce terrifies me. The thought of not being with him terrifies me. I can’t imagine him not being my husband anymore.

I found out completely by accident.

I decided to turn around and go home, but I made it clear to him that I only came home for their sakes.

OK you found out, now you and your H or soon to be Ex H need to deal with the situation.

You both need to figure out what you can live with, what you can forgive, etc. Marriage require two to make it work.

If you can, take a few minutes and watch a TED talk on Momogomish. A small part of it says that many relationships end in divorce and then they marry other people and start new marriages. She goes on to say that some couples in your situation realize that one person destroyed there marriage. If you can both grieve the death of your marriage and accept that, you might with the right commitment be able to start a new and different marriage. You both need to understand that neither of you can have the old marriage that was destroyed, as it is over.

After examining your feelings and you both want to try again at building a marriage, you both need to understand that it will never be the same, you can never rug sweep and continue as if nothing happened. However, you have each learned from the experience and after all those years of sharing you know each other far better than someone you date for a few years and marry. If the two of you want you may each start your second marriage with the same person.

You have every reason to divorce him if you want. If the two of you decide you can forgive, learn from mistakes, then you can attempt to start a new marriage with each other.

Good luck to you and your children.

 

[Beach123]

So what has he been doing to help himself understand why he cheated - and how to never do it again?

What has he been doing to repair the damage he cause to you, the marriage and the family?

Is he sorry he did it or just sorry he got caught? There is a difference.