[hinterdir]

I am pretty hard lined on this. I will never tolerate unfaithfulness. That breaks the bond and the vow we've made to each other. If my spouse were ever unfaithful to me it would be over. I wouldn't care if it were X amount of years ago.

This is a no brainer for me. I'd immediately end the marriage. It wouldn't even be anything I'd have to wrestle with. I'd detest my wife and consider her scum.

I'd just maintain the relationship with my kids and (depending on how old I was) I'd start dating other women.

I could never be with this person again and they would be disgusting in my eyes, damaged, diseased. They could never be my spouse again. The law may take time to process but emotionally we'd be divorced the moment I found out they had sex with someone else while being my wife and betraying me in the most intimate and personal way any human can.

 

[Ynot]

This is WAY worse than your spouse of 33 years cheating on you for the last 4 years; This evolved into Paternity Fraud. Lying to relatives, lying to in-laws, lying to her son, lying to her husband, and lying to her daughters. The wife had every intention of keeping her rolls in the hay a secret perpetually and beyond the day she died. She robbed her husband of his decision to continue staying with an adulterous wife and raising her two children she created from acts of deception. The wife is simply a coward who chose the easier alternative. Do I tell my husband I've been having an affair for four years and potentially become a single mother with a life full of stress? Or do I keep my mouth closed and continue living my cushy life afforded to me by my naive, trusting husband and thus avoiding any stress and real consequences to my actions? You're correct that young people do stupid things and make mistakes but that doesn't mean you should be devoid of morality and that they shouldn't be held accountable for their actions. She acted and lived accordingly so as not to disrupt her peaceful lifestyle. We also only have one side of the story from her account. It wouldn't surprise me at all if there is more to this story. Repair this marriage?! Don't make me laugh. I've seen people divorce for much less than this. This is decades of manipulation and deceit.

BS! They were young and dumb when they got married. She made a mistake and made up for it with 29 years of otherwise marital happiness and companionship, raising a family along the way. You look at it like this woman simply forgot her past and lived a happy life, but the reality of it was she was probably tortured by guilt for years.
As I said there is huge rift in the trust bond, that may or may not be repaired. I for one wouldn't throw away a lifetime because of youthful indiscretion and stupidity. I would try to save the marriage.
If you didn't do anything stupid when you were young (including keeping it a secret when you were older) I feel badly for you. Because you haven't lived.
Now I think your high horse needs some hay so it can keep producing more horse manure.

 

[Broken at 20]

I find it interesting this man can just go along with it. It seems more like some sappy Hallmark movie or a Sex and the City plot. That he can just keep the kids in his life. Not cut them out, not use them to hurt the mother, he just seems to want to keep them. He certainly has questions, but still seems to love them.
Or perhaps this is Darwinism in progress. Weak men are cuckolded to raise the children of stronger men, eliminating their DNA from the gene pool.

I also find it interesting how many people here would immediately divorce.
Judging from the length of the marriage (30+ years, right?) this is an older couple, likely in their 50's, right? If you're a 50-something cuckolded man, do you want to divorce? You're on the hook for child support (pretty sure the paternity window has run out by now), but your ex-WW can jump state with the kids and you'll never see them. You'll also have to pay alimony, and who knows how much that will be.
Then your retirement nest egg. That will probably be split in half. And none of this even comes close to touching the legal fees.
An immediate divorce will wipe out half your life's work in a matter of months. How many users here, at that advance age, are willing to do that? Out of sheer rage at their WW?

Those kids are going to be messed up in the head for life.
On the bright side though, it looks like their father isn't cutting them out of his life like caner. So that will probably help.

 

[PigglyWiggly]

BS! They were young and dumb when they got married. She made a mistake and made up for it with 29 years of otherwise marital happiness and companionship, raising a family along the way. You look at it like this woman simply forgot her past and lived a happy life, but the reality of it was she was probably tortured by guilt for years.
As I said there is huge rift in the trust bond, that may or may not be repaired. I for one wouldn't throw away a lifetime because of youthful indiscretion and stupidity. I would try to save the marriage.
If you didn't do anything stupid when you were young (including keeping it a secret when you were older) I feel badly for you. Because you haven't lived.
Now I think your high horse needs some hay so it can keep producing more horse manure.

I feel what you are saying. I said I would divorce her and then posted again that I might consider starting anew with her. I THINk I could make that work but am so glad that I don't have to find out. That's a rough situation for everyone involved.

 

[BruceBanner]

BS! They were young and dumb when they got married. She made a mistake and made up for it with 29 years of otherwise marital happiness and companionship, raising a family along the way. You look at it like this woman simply forgot her past and lived a happy life, but the reality of it was she was probably tortured by guilt for years.
As I said there is huge rift in the trust bond, that may or may not be repaired. I for one wouldn't throw away a lifetime because of youthful indiscretion and stupidity. I would try to save the marriage.
If you didn't do anything stupid when you were young (including keeping it a secret when you were older) I feel badly for you. Because you haven't lived.
Now I think your high horse needs some hay so it can keep producing more horse manure.

Imagine actually defending the suspect in a situation like this! ****ing unbelievable! Lmfao. She made a mistake for four years and continued to make a mistake years afterwards? Getting plowed by another man outside of your marriage so frequently you become pregnant with two of his children is not a mistake. That's nothing but a lack of respect for the man you are married to and only focusing on what you want and the consequences be damned. If she was so tortured by guilt she would've confessed ages ago. I've done plenty of stupid **** as a kid but I have never gotten pregnant twice by a different man besides my husband and deceived him for decades into believing they were both his.

I'll give you another example of a similar situation that somehow ended up being worse than the situation from Reddit. An Arab man with nine children suddenly discovered the reality behind "his" children's births after a series of medical tests, which proved that he had been sterile all his life and hence could not have fathered "their" nine children. His wife was cheating so frequently that he wasn't even able to tell he was infertile for 50 years of his life! He had a mental breakdown after his discovery.

https://www.khaleejtimes.com/region...n/mena/arab-man-divorces-wife-for-having-9-children-from-extra-marital-affair--

 

[3Xnocharm]

BS! They were young and dumb when they got married. She made a mistake and made up for it with 29 years of otherwise marital happiness and companionship, raising a family along the way. You look at it like this woman simply forgot her past and lived a happy life, but the reality of it was she was probably tortured by guilt for years.

A young and dumb mistake is a drunken one night stand... this was YEARS of sex with the same man, YEARS of lying and deceiving the spouse, as well as the resulting children.

I find it interesting this man can just go along with it. It seems more like some sappy Hallmark movie or a Sex and the City plot. That he can just keep the kids in his life. Not cut them out, not use them to hurt the mother, he just seems to want to keep them. He certainly has questions, but still seems to love them.
Or perhaps this is Darwinism in progress. Weak men are cuckolded to raise the children of stronger men, eliminating their DNA from the gene pool.

I also find it interesting how many people here would immediately divorce.
Judging from the length of the marriage (30+ years, right?) this is an older couple, likely in their 50's, right? If you're a 50-something cuckolded man, do you want to divorce? You're on the hook for child support (pretty sure the paternity window has run out by now), but your ex-WW can jump state with the kids and you'll never see them. You'll also have to pay alimony, and who knows how much that will be.
Then your retirement nest egg. That will probably be split in half. And none of this even comes close to touching the legal fees.
An immediate divorce will wipe out half your life's work in a matter of months. How many users here, at that advance age, are willing to do that? Out of sheer rage at their WW?

Those kids are going to be messed up in the head for life.
On the bright side though, it looks like their father isn't cutting them out of his life like caner. So that will probably help.

These "kids" are all in their 20's. Child support is a moot issue, as is any chance of wife running off with them never to be seen again. If she is employed and earning a living wage, I don't see alimony being awarded, either. Paying out some retirement seems a small price to pay to rid your life of the trash.

 

[BruceBanner]

I find it too convenient that she had that affair for 4 years and the 2 daughters are 29 and 26, 3-4 years apart. Not to mention, if they were married for 33 years and their eldest daughter is 29, then it means they went 4 years without having children (more or less). So they had sex for 4 years and she didn't get pregnant once, yet when she started her affair she instantly got pregnant? Pure chance my ass.

This is a quote from another Reddit user who did the math. Her pregnancy to the OM was either deliberate or she simply didn't care about what her husband wanted. In her mind he was the father no matter who the biological father is.

 

[FieryHairedLady]

This is just terrible. The stuff nightmares are made of. What a horrible woman.

The level of deception is off the charts.

She and this other guy snuck around for 4 years and managed to not be noticed by either other spouse.

Did the girls look so much like her that it was not expected for them to have some features of the husband?

ANd this poor husband, blindsided by all this.

Embarrassed and this brought to his attention by his kids.

WOW!

Poor guy.

 

[FieryHairedLady]

Imagine actually defending the suspect in a situation like this! ****ing unbelievable! I expected the female users to come to her defense but this I did not expect. Lmfao. She made a mistake for four years and continued to make a mistake years afterwards? Getting plowed by another man outside of your marriage so frequently you become pregnant with two of his children is not a mistake. That's nothing but a lack of respect for the man you are married to and only focusing on what you want and the consequences be damned. If she was so tortured by guilt she would've confessed ages ago. I've done plenty of stupid **** as a kid but I have never gotten pregnant twice by a different man besides my husband and deceived him for decades into believing they were both his.

I'll give you another example of a similar situation that somehow ended up being worse than the situation from Reddit. An Arab man with nine children suddenly discovered the reality behind "his" children's births after a series of medical tests, which proved that he had been sterile all his life and hence could not have fathered "their" nine children. His wife was cheating so frequently that he wasn't even able to tell he was infertile for 50 years of his life! He had a mental breakdown after his discovery.

https://www.khaleejtimes.com/region...n/mena/arab-man-divorces-wife-for-having-9-children-from-extra-marital-affair--

I agree with most of your post, but not the part about where you think the females would come to her defense. Well it is your opinion, you are welcome to it. (Respectfully)

Just I wouldn't of thought that.

Wrong is wrong, male or female.

 

[GusPolinski]

I’d file for divorce the very next morning.

 

[Broken at 20]

These "kids" are all in their 20's. Child support is a moot issue, as is any chance of wife running off with them never to be seen again. If she is employed and earning a living wage, I don't see alimony being awarded, either. Paying out some retirement seems a small price to pay to rid your life of the trash.

I was merely using the child support point to point it out. Several people that say they would immediately divorce. I feel that's it something many people forget.
And whether or not she gets alimony depends on too many factors to know. Like the judge, the state, how much she earns, how much he earns, etc.,

Lastly, losing potentially half your retirement, maybe more, maybe less, you can do that? Not even going to touch if you two own a house.
If you have $500K stashed away, after the divorce it will now be $250K. You're one economic downturn to having that nest egg become just a nest.


I'm not saying anyone is wrong. I'm just pointing out that not only is this type of fraud 100% legal, but being punished for it can be potentially very damaging for the wounded party.

 

[Idyit]

Youthful indiscretions?? An indiscretion is a lack of good judgement. Oops. Youthful ones would be something like running over mailboxes or drinking beer on the HS gym roof.

This was ****ing another man for 4 years. That's 1460 opportunities to say no to betraying your spouse. At 25 years old she gave birth to the first of the other man's daughters. Three years later another daughter of the OM was born. Youthful? She was at least 24 when the affair started. How old does one have to be before devastating actions are no longer indiscretions?

How would I handle it is the OP question. In his case I would love my children. As deeply or even moreso than before. They need to know that they are loved, cherished and tied to my heart always. The children were betrayed by their mother, I would not do the same by denying them in any way. The wife should not get such automatic consideration. Is R possible? Possibly But it is not owed for her subsequent good behavior.

I have a similar question for myself. At 50 I am currently separated and filing for divorce. Three kids 16 18 and 20. The middle child may not be mine. I have many reasons to believe this but will forgo listing them and the subsequent scrutiny.

Knowing the paternity of this child of mine will do nothing in divorce, nor change how I relate to and love them. But the not knowing nags at me. Part of me wants this resolved, the other fears it might change my relationships. Is there really a benefit to having them all tested/compared? Or am I just asking for the kind of misery the OP is enduring?

 

[Rowan]

I think the "youthful mistake" excuse is pretty well out the window, considering that she bore the OM two children.

A drunken one night stand might be a mistake. Getting too close to a friend so that you find yourself in the beginning stages of an EA might be a mistake. But a four year long physical affair, resulting in the births of two children, cannot really be termed a mistake. Rather, it's a series of active choices. Choices to lie, to deceive, to sneak around, to betray. And those choices were being made every single day, for years. That's not a mistake. It's not even a series of mistakes. It's a repeated and deliberate choice, over and over again, to betray someone who trusts and loves you.

 

[personofinterest]

So @BruceBanner, I am curious, based on some of your other posts on this topic....

What WOULD you do about the kids you raised?

 

[GusPolinski]

BS! They were young and dumb when they got married. She made a mistake and made up for it with 29 years of otherwise marital happiness and companionship, raising a family along the way. You look at it like this woman simply forgot her past and lived a happy life, but the reality of it was she was probably tortured by guilt for years.
As I said there is huge rift in the trust bond, that may or may not be repaired. I for one wouldn't throw away a lifetime because of youthful indiscretion and stupidity. I would try to save the marriage.
If you didn't do anything stupid when you were young (including keeping it a secret when you were older) I feel badly for you. Because you haven't lived.
Now I think your high horse needs some hay so it can keep producing more horse manure.

Nope.

You can’t “make up” for a thing without first admitting to it.

 

[FieryHairedLady]

BS! They were young and dumb when they got married. She made a mistake and made up for it with 29 years of otherwise marital happiness and companionship, raising a family along the way. You look at it like this woman simply forgot her past and lived a happy life, but the reality of it was she was probably tortured by guilt for years.
As I said there is huge rift in the trust bond, that may or may not be repaired. I for one wouldn't throw away a lifetime because of youthful indiscretion and stupidity. I would try to save the marriage.
If you didn't do anything stupid when you were young (including keeping it a secret when you were older) I feel badly for you. Because you haven't lived.
Now I think your high horse needs some hay so it can keep producing more horse manure.

Everyone is welcome to their opinion of course. But come on, 4 years/2 kids? :surprise:

 

[BluesPower]

BS! They were young and dumb when they got married. She made a mistake and made up for it with 29 years of otherwise marital happiness and companionship, raising a family along the way. You look at it like this woman simply forgot her past and lived a happy life, but the reality of it was she was probably tortured by guilt for years.
As I said there is huge rift in the trust bond, that may or may not be repaired. I for one wouldn't throw away a lifetime because of youthful indiscretion and stupidity. I would try to save the marriage.
If you didn't do anything stupid when you were young (including keeping it a secret when you were older) I feel badly for you. Because you haven't lived.
Now I think your high horse needs some hay so it can keep producing more horse manure.

I think this is Crazy. She had a 4 year affair, and 2 of his 3 kids are not his?

Are you kidding me?

I don't care what she did afterwards. What she did was enough. She stole the mans life.

How could you say that?

 

[Bananapeel]

I have a similar question for myself. At 50 I am currently separated and filing for divorce. Three kids 16 18 and 20. The middle child may not be mine. I have many reasons to believe this but will forgo listing them and the subsequent scrutiny.

Knowing the paternity of this child of mine will do nothing in divorce, nor change how I relate to and love them. But the not knowing nags at me. Part of me wants this resolved, the other fears it might change my relationships. Is there really a benefit to having them all tested/compared? Or am I just asking for the kind of misery the OP is enduring?

I felt the exact same way as you. I did paternity test my kids after my wife's affair (they are mine), but I did it secretly. For me, I cannot go through life not knowing something as important as whether I am the father of my kids. I find it's a lot easier to deal with a known evil then fear the possibility of an unknown one. You should do the DNA and then deal with the consequences if they exist. Not knowing the paternity will eat at you inside for the rest of your life.

 

[Yeswecan]

BS! They were young and dumb when they got married. She made a mistake and made up for it with 29 years of otherwise marital happiness and companionship, raising a family along the way. You look at it like this woman simply forgot her past and lived a happy life, but the reality of it was she was probably tortured by guilt for years.
As I said there is huge rift in the trust bond, that may or may not be repaired. I for one wouldn't throw away a lifetime because of youthful indiscretion and stupidity. I would try to save the marriage.
If you didn't do anything stupid when you were young (including keeping it a secret when you were older) I feel badly for you. Because you haven't lived.
Now I think your high horse needs some hay so it can keep producing more horse manure.

Stupid was very calculating and deceiving....for years! Good Lord....not 1 but 2 kids with OM. Young and dumb? Hardly.

As far as guilt for years...that was her doing. Does not make me "feel" for her and her plight.

 

[Broken at 20]

So I don't mean to threadjack, but are most guys in agreement about what they would do with the kids? That they would keep them in their lives, and continue loving them?