It's hard to put myself in that situation. I think my inclination would be to file for divorce immediately and start living. But having read this forum enough, I know that sometimes when you're presented with the reality of it, 33 years of marriage, you might end up feeling very differently. The level of deception is profound. She knew all along that the kids might not be his.

 

I literally started crying halfway through this post for this man. And for HIS children (yes, they are his because he raised them their whole lives. Full stop.). What a...horrible thing for her to do. FOUR YEARS???? Ugh, I won't even say what I think of her. Sure, it's easy for her to be all Lifetime movie about it now....

As far as him? Well, he doesn't sound like the kind of cad who is going to disown the grown daughters he raised - good for him. However, he should feel NO shame if he decides he's done with this wife. And honestly, as far as the kids go, I wouldn't blame them if they were done with her too. She lied to ALL of them, even if she didn't know about the DNA.

My heart breaks for this man.

I would be interested to hear, however, what YOU would do. I assume you would never again speak to the children you raised?

 

Better this way than to find out your spouse of 33 years has been cheating on you for the last 4 years. In this case I think couples counseling should be the first step. Yes it would be hard to swallow, but think about it. They got married when they were very young. Young people do stupid things, make mistakes and (hopefully) learn and grow from them. It sounds like that is exactly what happened.
Was it crappy that she kept that secret for so many years? Yes it was. It was incredibly selfish of her. But it appears as though she learned from experience and once she did she acted and lived accordingly. This is not to excuse her. There is a huge rift in the trust bond that once existed and she (both actually) have a lot of work to do to repair it.
In regards to his daughters, this should not change a single thing. He raised the girls and he is better than their father, he is their dad! He needs to reassure them that this changes nothing between he and they.
If I were in his shoes I would try to work it out.

 

This is WAY worse than your spouse of 33 years cheating on you for the last 4 years; This evolved into Paternity Fraud. Lying to relatives, lying to in-laws, lying to her son, lying to her husband, and lying to her daughters. The wife had every intention of keeping her rolls in the hay a secret perpetually and beyond the day she died. She robbed her husband of his decision to continue staying with an adulterous wife and raising her two children she created from acts of deception. The wife is simply a coward who chose the easier alternative. Do I tell my husband I've been having an affair for four years and potentially become a single mother with a life full of stress? Or do I keep my mouth closed and continue living my cushy life afforded to me by my naive, trusting husband and thus avoiding any stress and real consequences to my actions? You're correct that young people do stupid things and make mistakes but that doesn't mean you should be devoid of morality and that they shouldn't be held accountable for their actions. She acted and lived accordingly so as not to disrupt her peaceful lifestyle. We also only have one side of the story from her account. It wouldn't surprise me at all if there is more to this story. Repair this marriage?! Don't make me laugh. I've seen people divorce for much less than this. This is decades of manipulation and deceit.

 

For me, marriage over. The kids father is the person who posted this sad tale of a lie lived for 30 some years. Relationship with the kids would continue if this were me. They, I'm sure are just as devastated. The marriage is based on a lie and needs to be terminated.

 

Living with that betrayal would not be a marriage I would enjoy. I would have to divorce.

 

This bears a striking semblance to Ambivalent One's posting on SI. Similar situation, LTA with an acquaintance that died nine years into the affair. The thread was called Dazed and Confused, and unfortunately, in January/February of this year, the WW took her own life. She too knew instinctively that this would eventually come back. She was not prepared for the sudden end to her marriage, and the asset split meeting, the one that I conduct regularly, drove the point home that her marriage was done, she had killed it nine years earlier, and she kept the zombie marriage alive by complete omission of the affair. Ambivalent one and his two daughters are left with nothing but detrius that she left in the wake of her affair. TotallyLostMan is suicidal at the thought of his world imploding. His wife one way or another is going to pay for this, and I predict that it will not be pleasant. One of my clients put his wife out of the family home. Their youngest was not his, and he discovered the LTA, then had DNA testing done on all of his children. He knew that his STBXW would crumble if one of the kids turned on her, so he said the most despicable thing in front of the youngest. "Take your bastard with you" The kid hears this, turns to his mother and says, "Is this true?" She answers yes, and the kid proceeds to go off on her. Called his mother a useless *****, and how can she live with herself. She fell apart. Near catatonic. He told his youngest to drive his mother to their grandparents, if he wanted to come home he could, mom was out. She was basically NMC for months following, and as soon as she was healthy enough, she was served.

I try to put myself into my client's shoes when this sort of thing rears its ugly head. In this case, given that he is father to one of his three children, and he was living a life that was a falsehood propagated by a wife that was in CYA mode for nearly thirty years. My first thought would be to drain everything financially, grab my passport, and get lost for a few months or years. Yes, I am a son of a ***** for saying that. What? he's going to leave her high and dry without a penny? Abandon his children? Well there would be one **** of a goodbye note to the kids saying that Mom should find out what life is like as a single after having grifted her husband into supporting, accepting and loving two kids that were not his. I have counselled one BH to take his wife to court, the filing was not done to exact revenge on her, but the corollary outing would have embarrassed the hell out her family that was fairly affluent. My client's FIL paid him a significant amount to keep his mouth shut. Of course that did not outlive the FIL, and my client had a significant bone to pick that ten times the amount of money would not salve, so day or two after the funeral, he tells the full story to her family. His ExWW had a very extended vacation away from everyone, as shall we say, she and her family were held up to intense ridicule. (They were church deacons, pillars of the community, and could not live down their daughter's indiscretion, made worse because the father of the children, was a servant)

 

This bears a striking semblance to Ambivalent One's posting on SI. Similar situation, LTA with an acquaintance that died nine years into the affair. The thread was called Dazed and Confused, and unfortunately, in January/February of this year, the WW took her own life. She too knew instinctively that this would eventually come back. She was not prepared for the sudden end to her marriage, and the asset split meeting, the one that I conduct regularly, drove the point home that her marriage was done, she had killed it nine years earlier, and she kept the zombie marriage alive by complete omission of the affair. Ambivalent one and his two daughters are left with nothing but detrius that she left in the wake of her affair. TotallyLostMan is suicidal at the thought of his world imploding. His wife one way or another is going to pay for this, and I predict that it will not be pleasant. One of my clients put his wife out of the family home. Their youngest was not his, and he discovered the LTA, then had DNA testing done on all of his children. He knew that his STBXW would crumble if one of the kids turned on her, so he said the most despicable thing in front of the youngest. "Take your bastard with you" The kid hears this, turns to his mother and says, "Is this true?" She answers yes, and the kid proceeds to go off on her. Called his mother a useless *****, and how can she live with herself. She fell apart. Near catatonic. He told his youngest to drive his mother to their grandparents, if he wanted to come home he could, mom was out. She was basically NMC for months following, and as soon as she was healthy enough, she was served.

I try to put myself into my client's shoes when this sort of thing rears its ugly head. In this case, given that he is father to one of his three children, and he was living a life that was a falsehood propagated by a wife that was in CYA mode for nearly thirty years. My first thought would be to drain everything financially, grab my passport, and get lost for a few months or years. Yes, I am a son of a ***** for saying that. What? he's going to leave her high and dry without a penny? Abandon his children? Well there would be one fu ck of a goodbye note to the kids saying that Mom should find out what life is like as a single after having grifted her husband into supporting, accepting and loving two kids that were not his. I have counselled one BH to take his wife to court, the filing was not done to exact revenge on her, but the corollary outing would have embarrassed the hell out her family that was fairly affluent. My client's FIL paid him a significant amount to keep his mouth shut. Of course that did not outlive the FIL, and my client had a significant bone to pick that ten times the amount of money would not salve, so day or two after the funeral, he tells the full story to her family. His ExWW had a very extended vacation away from everyone, as shall we say, she and her family were held up to intense ridicule. (They were church deacons, pillars of the community, and could not live down their daughter's indiscretion, made worse because the father of the children, was a servant)

My thoughts exactly. I will keep my other thoughts on that situation to myself. I hope at least he does the same as AO.

Everyone he talks to say his wife is a great wife? What great friends he has. She is a total fraud and a monster. At the very least he should get a free pass for life so he can have a "sexual outlet" like her.

Besides that, they are always like "I only love you! I would never leave you!" To them it's just implied that they are some sort of catch. She doesn't get that she is every mans worst nightmare.

At least the posters at Reddit never let me down. They always cut to the reality of the situation.

 

This would be so devastating and life-altering, the first few days or so after the reveal I think I wouldn't be able to get off the floor, or eat, or drink or do anything. They say God gives you what you can handle but damn. Their entire life was a lie. It's crazy how history repeats itself sometimes. This woman did the same thing the husband's mother did to him - kept paternity a secret. I feel awful for everyone involved except the wife. Imagine being the kids.

 

If the marriage seemed really good in the last few years, I could almost see myself divorcing and then dating her all over again as a "new" couple. That doesn't make any sense but I am not always reasonable.

 

I couldn't deal with it. I've been married 38 years, and if I found out my two oldest kids weren't mine, it would end of story, I couldn't file for divorce fast enough. FOUR YEARS????? No, just no.

 

"you are my everything. I am your girl for life. I love you with all my heart. I did a very stupid and selfish thing many years ago. You did nothing wrong. You've been the best husband any woman could ever ask for and I hope we try to put this in perspective and recognize what a wonderful life we've had together and that we don't want this stupid, hurtful, mistake to ruin it."

There are about 10 billion things wrong with what she said and how she said it. No remorse, no apology, no acknowledgment of the devastation and lifetime of lying. And using a fear tactic to keep him in the marriage - "I hope we try to put this in perspective." If it took her two hours to come up with that she has no remorse in her body.

 

If you really, truly think about it...

What would this remorse look like?

Even it were real, and it may have been; it was real for her.
It had to be small.

Compared to her crime, her guilty slobbering plea is is no bargain.
A no-plea bargain.

After her affair she treated him well, well that is some recourse and some remorse.

But as witnessed here, not enough time served for such a terrible crime.

It is a double jeopardy thing, no, this a sextus debt to be paid.

She cheated for four years, having joy, no tears. That is four.
She created two girls from joy, not his. Add two more

That is six ways to Sunday that she got over her husband, that she got under her lover.
She is in sextus jeopardy, sex was good while it lasted.

It has now morphed and is jeopardizing her future. The good sex has morphed into no-sex, no intimacy for life.
The rest of his and her lives. They together, no more.

I might forgive.
But only if my 'now' adopted daughters asked me to.

Tis, a joint betrayal, requiring a joint judgement.

 

I would divorce her ASAP. Sell every single asset I had and move somewhere really nice.

No way would I stay with this women for a another second...

 

Bruce you bet me to this i saw this yesterday and I thought about this guy the entire day and morning, i felt so so sad for him and trying to place myself in his shoes i could see where you could see your life was a partial lie, but honestly i would rather see the wife take her life over his....she is the one that instilled this deception from the beginning. But one thing for sure i could never look in her face again with out being angry and hurt...I had thought of sending here but not sure if your allowed to do that on Reddit.

 

a 4 year lifestyle of cheating is not a stupid, hurtful mistake.

It would take about 6 months for my love to turn to hate, and I'd say gtho.

I'd love the two kids just like my bio kids. But I'd hate my wife for the fact that I'd have to think of the 2 kids that I loved so much not carrying my genes.
If this is a true story, it's beyond sad.

 

Wow. Just, wow. I am not a man, but damn this was hard to read. Based on what kind of man the author seems to be, seems to me he should divorce her ASAP and keep the relationship with the kids going status quo. I don't imagine he will abandon them, he doesn't seem the type, despite the horror he has been handed.

One thing about this that kills me (among all of it)… the wife I'm sure KNEW that they were doing this DNA thing, and she just remained clammed up about it. She had to know the potential repercussions of the results! And she just sat there?? I guess she was silently hoping/praying it would come out that he indeed was their father, and her life of deception would just keep going until she died.

UGH.

 

I really don't know what I would do if I were in his shoes other than take a good long time to sit and think with her out of the house while I made my decision. It's so much easier when you catch a spouse in the middle of the affair and you can just blow it up and change your life direction. But there's something harder about it being in the past especially if your spouse had tried to make up for it.

 

I would love my daughters and boot the skanky wife out on her ass.

 

First, he should D asap. I would never want to look at that woman again. Parental Fraud ... especially long term ... is as bad of a betrayal as there is.

D'ing first also has another added ... albeit darker ... benefit. If the OP is serious about wanting out of this life, if he D's first, at least his portion of the marital assets will go to his kids rather than his W.

If I was serious about suicide in this situation, I'd make damn sure the W didn't profit from her deception and betrayal.

 

I am pretty hard lined on this. I will never tolerate unfaithfulness. That breaks the bond and the vow we've made to each other. If my spouse were ever unfaithful to me it would be over. I wouldn't care if it were X amount of years ago.

This is a no brainer for me. I'd immediately end the marriage. It wouldn't even be anything I'd have to wrestle with. I'd detest my wife and consider her scum.

I'd just maintain the relationship with my kids and (depending on how old I was) I'd start dating other women.

I could never be with this person again and they would be disgusting in my eyes, damaged, diseased. They could never be my spouse again. The law may take time to process but emotionally we'd be divorced the moment I found out they had sex with someone else while being my wife and betraying me in the most intimate and personal way any human can.

 

I find it interesting this man can just go along with it. It seems more like some sappy Hallmark movie or a Sex and the City plot. That he can just keep the kids in his life. Not cut them out, not use them to hurt the mother, he just seems to want to keep them. He certainly has questions, but still seems to love them.
Or perhaps this is Darwinism in progress. Weak men are cuckolded to raise the children of stronger men, eliminating their DNA from the gene pool.

I also find it interesting how many people here would immediately divorce.
Judging from the length of the marriage (30+ years, right?) this is an older couple, likely in their 50's, right? If you're a 50-something cuckolded man, do you want to divorce? You're on the hook for child support (pretty sure the paternity window has run out by now), but your ex-WW can jump state with the kids and you'll never see them. You'll also have to pay alimony, and who knows how much that will be.
Then your retirement nest egg. That will probably be split in half. And none of this even comes close to touching the legal fees.
An immediate divorce will wipe out half your life's work in a matter of months. How many users here, at that advance age, are willing to do that? Out of sheer rage at their WW?

Those kids are going to be messed up in the head for life.
On the bright side though, it looks like their father isn't cutting them out of his life like caner. So that will probably help.

 

I find it too convenient that she had that affair for 4 years and the 2 daughters are 29 and 26, 3-4 years apart. Not to mention, if they were married for 33 years and their eldest daughter is 29, then it means they went 4 years without having children (more or less). So they had sex for 4 years and she didn't get pregnant once, yet when she started her affair she instantly got pregnant? Pure chance my ass.

This is a quote from another Reddit user who did the math. Her pregnancy to the OM was either deliberate or she simply didn't care about what her husband wanted. In her mind he was the father no matter who the biological father is.

 

This is just terrible. The stuff nightmares are made of. What a horrible woman.

The level of deception is off the charts.

She and this other guy snuck around for 4 years and managed to not be noticed by either other spouse.

Did the girls look so much like her that it was not expected for them to have some features of the husband?

ANd this poor husband, blindsided by all this.

Embarrassed and this brought to his attention by his kids.

WOW!

Poor guy.

 

I’d file for divorce the very next morning.

 

Youthful indiscretions?? An indiscretion is a lack of good judgement. Oops. Youthful ones would be something like running over mailboxes or drinking beer on the HS gym roof.

This was ****ing another man for 4 years. That's 1460 opportunities to say no to betraying your spouse. At 25 years old she gave birth to the first of the other man's daughters. Three years later another daughter of the OM was born. Youthful? She was at least 24 when the affair started. How old does one have to be before devastating actions are no longer indiscretions?

How would I handle it is the OP question. In his case I would love my children. As deeply or even moreso than before. They need to know that they are loved, cherished and tied to my heart always. The children were betrayed by their mother, I would not do the same by denying them in any way. The wife should not get such automatic consideration. Is R possible? Possibly But it is not owed for her subsequent good behavior.

I have a similar question for myself. At 50 I am currently separated and filing for divorce. Three kids 16 18 and 20. The middle child may not be mine. I have many reasons to believe this but will forgo listing them and the subsequent scrutiny.

Knowing the paternity of this child of mine will do nothing in divorce, nor change how I relate to and love them. But the not knowing nags at me. Part of me wants this resolved, the other fears it might change my relationships. Is there really a benefit to having them all tested/compared? Or am I just asking for the kind of misery the OP is enduring?

 

I have a similar question for myself. At 50 I am currently separated and filing for divorce. Three kids 16 18 and 20. The middle child may not be mine. I have many reasons to believe this but will forgo listing them and the subsequent scrutiny.

Knowing the paternity of this child of mine will do nothing in divorce, nor change how I relate to and love them. But the not knowing nags at me. Part of me wants this resolved, the other fears it might change my relationships. Is there really a benefit to having them all tested/compared? Or am I just asking for the kind of misery the OP is enduring?

I felt the exact same way as you. I did paternity test my kids after my wife's affair (they are mine), but I did it secretly. For me, I cannot go through life not knowing something as important as whether I am the father of my kids. I find it's a lot easier to deal with a known evil then fear the possibility of an unknown one. You should do the DNA and then deal with the consequences if they exist. Not knowing the paternity will eat at you inside for the rest of your life.

 

I think the "youthful mistake" excuse is pretty well out the window, considering that she bore the OM two children.

A drunken one night stand might be a mistake. Getting too close to a friend so that you find yourself in the beginning stages of an EA might be a mistake. But a four year long physical affair, resulting in the births of two children, cannot really be termed a mistake. Rather, it's a series of active choices. Choices to lie, to deceive, to sneak around, to betray. And those choices were being made every single day, for years. That's not a mistake. It's not even a series of mistakes. It's a repeated and deliberate choice, over and over again, to betray someone who trusts and loves you.

 

So @BruceBanner, I am curious, based on some of your other posts on this topic....

What WOULD you do about the kids you raised?

 

If they were young I would've gotten the **** like the Road Runner. But now that they are adults severing a bond with them wouldn't achieve anything.