[In Absentia]

Maybe they were just having coffee?

 

[Tatsuhiko]

Please resist the urge to confront her. If you confront now you'll get some explanation like "he's going through a tough time and just needed someone to talk to" or "I asked him to look at our heating system since he has experience in this area." It is better to wait and continue to gather evidence. Every piece of evidence is additional leverage in a divorce, as she does not want to be embarrassed in front of the children, etc.

Put voice-activated recorders in every bedroom and plan another out-of-town trip. You can even stay at a hotel 5 minutes away and come back home, camera in hand, when you see that he's entered your house.

 

[maquiscat]

Why is more evidence needed? His gut, her manner when an out-of-town trip cancelled, refusing him nooner, toilet seat up, 9" surrogate for the AP when he not available, thongs that WW never wore for the OP, and now the 88 minutes. Why not just hire an attorney, file for D and let his WW react, explain, plead whatever. The more "evidence" he collects is just more bad memories for him to forget. Imagine he plants a VR (which are illegal in some jurisdictions) and then gets to listen to and hour and half of moaning with bed springs creaking in the background. I believe in most jurisdictions the court cares nothing about the reason, adultery or otherwise so her adultery isn't going to change how things go for him.

Just my opinion, but what he already has is more than enough.

Depending on the state or country in question, it can matter greatly if he can show an affair. And as a poly, I will make it clear I do mean a relationship he was not made aware of. If she had an affair, it could go as far as he owes her nothing, and count against her for custody. Again laws vary, and we don't know the details of his location.

 

[re16]

We’ve seen cheating spouses re-write history and turn friends and family against the betrayed many times, portraying the betrayed as the evil family destroyer… he needs bullet proof evidence to keep her from doing that.

Right now, he has circumstantial evidence. It is strong, but a lying / cheating spouse could shoot holes in what he has easily.

 

[jsmart]

You need more proof before you confront. She can make an excuse of having him do some task. You need a VAR and a hidden camera. If they are doing stuff, it’s probably in the guess bedroom. Some WW think it’s too much to have their OM in their marital bed. It helps relieve a little of the guilt if they only desecrated the rest of the house.

 

[Beach123]

The evidence is mainly because we know she will lie and try and talk him into staying married to a known cheater.

OP, you ok?

 

[Kaliber]

If you confront you will never truly know what happened, it will go underground, this is the time that you gather all your strength to find out what really happened!

Your best option:
Extend you work trip for a day or two, and stay in a hotel near your home, once the delivery dude comes and your wife is in there, go and check for yourself, but don't go inside too soon wait for 20 min!
Oh and use your mobile camera to video record every thing, you will need it in case you want a divorce on your terms (assuming adultery is a deal breaker for you! )

If you tip you hand now, you will be in a state of limbo and immense pain for a very long time!

 

[Rus47]

If you confront you will never truly know what happened, it will go underground, this is the time that you gather all your strength to find out what really happened!

Your best option:
Extend you work trip for a day or two, and stay in a hotel near your home, once the delivery dude comes and your wife is in there, go and check for yourself, but don't go inside too soon wait for 20 min!
Oh and use your mobile camera to video record every thing, you will need it in case you want a divorce on your terms (assuming adultery is a deal breaker for you! )

Wouldnt it be easier and more effective to hire a real PI instead of trying to play at being one? Gives third party confirmation at same time.

 

[Kaliber]

Wouldnt it be easier and more effective to hire a real PI instead of trying to play at being one? Gives third party confirmation at same time.

Yes easier, but the problem is, what will the PI find?!
Van in the driveway (HommeNu knows)
The guy is inside for XX amount of minutes (HommeNu knows)
That's it
Unless she goes out on dates with the delivery man and from @HommeNu investigation she is completely normal so it's unlikely.

The key is that lunch time while @HommeNu is away!
The PI will not get anything new that @HommeNu doesn't know, unless the PI enters the house (and that will never happen!)

 

[HommeNu]

Rough night. It was hard to pretend. It was very hard to sleep. Felt like I'd been punched in the gut. A lot. Long flight home. Just landed an hour ago. Gonna catch up on all the advice. Not going to confront yet. Probably gonna hire a PI like half of you suggest. Lots of thinking and pretending, I guess, to do still. FML.

 

[TXTrini]

Rough night. It was hard to pretend. It was very hard to sleep. Felt like I'd been punched in the gut. A lot. Long flight home. Just landed an hour ago. Gonna catch up on all the advice. Not going to confront yet. Probably gonna hire a PI like half of you suggest. Lots of thinking and pretending, I guess, to do still. FML.

Hang in there HommeNu!

It's a really ****ty feeling, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Thanks for letting us know you're safe. Get a nice meal and some rest. We'll be waiting for you.

 

[Rus47]

Yes easier, but the problem is, what will the PI find?!
Van in the driveway (HommeNu knows)
The guy is inside for XX amount of minutes (HommeNu knows)
That's it
Unless she goes out on dates with the delivery man and from @HommeNu investigation she is completely normal so it's unlikely.

The key is that lunch time while @HommeNu is away!
The PI will not get anything new that @HommeNu doesn't know, unless the PI enters the house (and that will never happen!)

The PI has all of the tools you talk about OP using and can set up surveillance gear in and around house with OP approving. PI knows how to use the equipment OP is an amateur. PI does this work full time, OP trying to earn a living. OP should spend his spare time interviewing attorneys and selecting one to help him manage the mess.

 

[Rus47]

Also, the PI has no emotional involvement, and is a third party to the shytstorm. Can you imagine OP video taping a plowing he interrupts 20 minutes into the party?

OP will have to pretend to leave on business trip. Maybe just get motel room near home.

 

[Rus47]

It is possible PI has an open file on old Jerry. If Jerry is endowed in the top percentile, he likely has many other "clients", word having gotten out what a great FB he is amongst the other local ladies. Maybe another BH like the OP has hired professional help.

 

[ABHale]

Talk with a lawyer and draw up divorce papers.

You know that she is cheating. There is no reason for him to be in the home. Have her served at the flower shop with a note saying “Hope delivery guy’s name was worth it”. Inform your daughters at the same time WW is getting served.

Or

Wait til next week and pretend to go out of town. Check the cam for the delivery and then show up 30 mins later. Have a trusted friend with you so you don’t do anything stupid.

 

[ABHale]

Or just don’t go home, get a room somewhere. When your wife ask where you are and what’s up, tell her she knows damn well what is up. Tell her that you had a PI watch the home and you know everything. Then hang up.

 

[Lostinthought61]

If you do confront make sure part of your demands is a polygraph

 

[Gabriel]

Well, it's definitely strange that he'd be in your house that long. But you have no proof anything happened, nor is it even fully ascertainable that she is cheating with this guy. If they have been doing business a long time, it's possible they completed the transaction, and had a cup of coffee in the kitchen and chatted. You really don't know.

All you have now is MORE reason to suspect her. You already suspected her, and your gut has been sending you signals. Usually your gut is right, but you can't use that in any arguments with her, or in court.

You have 3 possible paths here

1) You confront now and she will probably deny it and make you feel like you are crazy (gaslighting).
2) You confront now and she can't hide it and just admits, either verbally or non verbally, that you are correct
3) You gather more evidence, something that is absolutely irrefutable this time. VAR, camera upstairs, etc.

#3 is the smartest choice because it will give you the best probability of the most accurate answer. But I totally understand it's excruciating, the waiting.

#2 would honestly be the best result, but you can't control it - it's more likely you get #1 - which is the worst result possible - because A) you won't really know the truth for sure and B) if she is cheating she will just cover her tracks now and make it very hard to catch her.

So if you can bear it, I'd go #3.

 

[Gabriel]

Yes easier, but the problem is, what will the PI find?!
Van in the driveway (HommeNu knows)
The guy is inside for XX amount of minutes (HommeNu knows)
That's it
Unless she goes out on dates with the delivery man and from @HommeNu investigation she is completely normal so it's unlikely.

The key is that lunch time while @HommeNu is away!
The PI will not get anything new that @HommeNu doesn't know, unless the PI enters the house (and that will never happen!)

Totally agree - Homenu should do his own recon - he's already gone part way there. Now do the VAR and camera inside the house.

 

[Rus47]

Usually your gut is right, but you can't use that in any arguments with her, or in court.

Why would he need to use arguments in court? Everyone I have ever known who divorced didn't use any "arguments in court", cuz the court didn't care why the divorce was happening. And in nearly all cases neither party appeared in court, their attorneys negotiated the settlement, filed the paperwork, and sent the bills. The whole process is essentially a financial transaction.

If OP just wanted a divorce because he wanted one, I doubt the results would differ from him presenting to a judge video with sound of Jerry plowing her.